If you’re going to watch one dubbed Asian film about vampires, gamblers, ninja, and tinfoil clad warriors, it may as well be Devil’s Dynamite. Why? Because I doubt another film does as much justice to these subjects. Or even puts them together.

Devil’s Dynamite is a “You got peanut butter in my chocolate/You got chocolate in my peanut butter” situation: it feels like two different films were edited together to form one wacky cinematic cocktail. Film A is about a baddie using vampires to do his evil deeds. Said vampires even do some of these wicked deeds in the day time. And they hop. Yes, hop. In unison. They also have blue skin, and can be kept in check by sticky-notes on their foreheads.

And where is our street walking Hercules to fight these vampires? We find him in, as the film so excellently puts it, “That damn Futuristic Warrior!” Yes, the Futuristic Warrior appears at first to be just an Average Joe. But, in the blink of an eye (or to be more specific, a jump cut) Average Joe can change into the tinfoil covered, motorcycle helmet wearing Futuristic Warrior (who also has the ability to burn children with his touch. Yep). Besides his goofy helmet, the Futuristic Warrior sports a kickin’ neckerchief, too. 90% of fighting vampires is style. The other half is just showin’ up.

Devil’s Dynamite also teaches us, if you punch a vampire hard enough, they disappear in a cloud of smoke. Now you tell me! All that money wasted on hand-carved, artisan stakes.

Film Two in Devil’s Dynamite is some kinda gangster revenge flick. A fallen from grace “gambling king,” just got out of the slammer and is looking for his secret cache of gold. I think. There is something about a kidnapping, and his ex-wife marrying a new boyfriend, but my brain had melted after the Futuristic Warrior/blue vampire sitch. An hour into the 80+ minute film, and I had no idea what was going on.

Was this a bad thing? Nah. The confusion and “What the French toast?” moments made Devil’s Dynamite quite a hoot. In the waning minutes of the film, there is an attempt to marrying Film A and Film Two with a bit of short dialogue, but it really didn’t matter. In a film with a guy in tinfoil suit punching blue vampires (during the day), who cares about plot?

While Devil’s Dynamite is more confusing than trying to read War and Peace upside down, it is highly entertaining and will stick to your ribs: “Why do the vampires hop?” “What’s the Futuristic Warrior’s story?” “Is that little girl actually a ghost?” Tiger says, call the gang over and give this one a watch, you are in for a treat.

plastic vampire teeth gang fights knife eye-poking body painting ninja UNDEAD ninja bloody swords blue vampires hopping vampires evaporating vampires tinfoil suits crazy martial arts creepy kids anti-sorcery mirrors bad ass priests	10 BLOOD As expected in any vampire flick, there is plenty of neck biting. Throw in a few ninja and some gangster brutality, and you have a blood bath on yer hands. 2 BREASTS We see one lady in a bathing suit, but that is it. 10 BEASTS Hopping, blue faced vampires and undead ninja (I think). What more could you want? Besides a plot, that is. 7.3 OVERALL

We received this letter today along with a delicious pecan pie wrapped in a used Wonderbread sandwich bag. We are currently working with local police to resolve this matter and find out how to get more pie.

To: Lost Highway

I’m not rightly sure who I need to direct this to, but I figure it only fair I let y’all know what happened.
It was an accident, really; I mean; this broad was crazy! She came in to the diner, muttering something about patty melts and proper place settings, and plopped herself down in a booth. I went over and gave her a cup of coffee, and ran down the specials. She ordered Bubba’s Barnyard Slaughter breakfast, which isn’t unusual at 3am; folks tend to crave chicken fried meats in the night, so it didn’t ruffle my petticoats. What did raise my eyebrow was the way she cut her eggs; all symmetrical and weird. I had other tables to tend to, so I didn’t pay her too much attention. I dropped her check, and the next thing I know, she was gone, her money on the table. Exact change, no tip! That pissed me off a little, but it happens.

Anyway, I’m taking the garbage out around 4:45, and I hear a ruckus at the dumpster. I turned the corner, and there she was, throwing bags and stuff into MY dumpster! I hollered at her, and she turned on me.

She looked wild, man! All sweaty and breathing heavy- Her eyes were crazy! She smiled all wide and toothy at me, and said something like she’d “be just a minute,” and kept on tossing stuff from this huge bag in to the garbage- and it was a nice bag, too; lots of nice pockets and things- I got closer to her, and hollered at her again to just go on, split, sister! and that crazy fool, she pulled a friggin butcher knife on me!

I told her to be cool, I wasn’t looking for a fight, she just needed to scram, I wouldn’t call the cops or nothing! She wasn’t listening, and she came at me, big as Christmas! I swung that bag of swill I was carrying right into her, and it busted all over her. Coffee grounds, cigarette butts, food… oh, it was nasty! She screamed and dropped her knife, she fell to her knees in all that yucky stuff, and looked at me. Before she could say or do anything, Bubba cracked her skull with his skillet. I guess the racket made him come outside to see what was going on, and he won’t abide by anyone pulling a stunt like that at his diner.

Well, nothing we could really do at that point, she was worm food. I looked through her bag, and some of what she was putting in the trash; it looked like she had been on the lam for a while. Lots of newspaper clippings and prescription bottles. There was also this huge binder full of movies and articles and stuff, where I found your email address.

So, long story short, Donna Bleed has shuffled off this mortal coil. I couldn’t help but notice she wrote about crazy movies, there’s a whole list here I guess she was planning to watch; and if there’s one thing I love, it’s a drive-in movie; so I figured since I’m indirectly responsible for smashing her brains in, and directly responsible for wrapping her body in visqueen and sticking it in the walk-in freezer, I could take up her slack for y’all.

Don’t worry; Aside from this letter here , we fry-o-lated all her other stuff, except for that swanky bag and her car. I’m more than happy to watch movies so other folks don’t have to!
If y’all are ever in the neighborhood, stop on by; we’re always open, and the pie is to DIE for!

Blood and Kisses,
Die-Anne Takillya

An Australian couple goes tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s  ”Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Nobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Peter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

Surfer skeet shooting Bald eagle attack Possum mugging Sea cow stalking Harpoon to the throat Littering kangaroo hit n’ run	6 BLOOD A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow. 7 BREASTS Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory. 9 BEASTS Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo. 8.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”

As Pa Sixon used to say, “Does this look infected?” Wait. I mean, “Christmas ain’t about bein’ with people ya like. It’s about bein’ with family.” And bein’ with family is a main theme of the 1984 post-apocalyptic-zombie-horror-romance-comedy, Night of the Comet.

Christmas is around the corner for sunny California and Santa, or perhaps maybe the Krampus, is bringin’ one heck o’ a gift: a comet. We learn it is, more or less, the same comet what knocked out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Shoot, ya don’t a comet for that—just feed ‘em some of Ma Sixon’s tuna surprise served at room temperature. While everyone is partying about the comet (because I guess that is what you do in California), Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck workin’ at the local movie theater—which involves beating a mysterious high score on Tempest and scoring with the projectionist in the booth (to use the film’s vernacular, “making it”). Ah, to be an 18 year old girl in the 80’s again.

Back home, Regina’s mouthy little sis, Sam (Kelli Maroney), gets slapped around by her step mom—who is throwin’ a comet party of her own. One problem: once the comet arrives, everyone outside is turned to dust. And those what ain’t turned to dust, are turned into zombies. Regina wakes up after a night o’ lovin’ to find the streets filled with piles of dust, and a dash of occasional zombie. A tender moment ensues when Regina finds Sam, now (thankfully) clad in a cheerleader outfit. In an effort to find survivors, the pair goes to the local radio station (which has more neon lights than a Blade Runner convention in Las Vegas). At the station, they meet future Star Trek Voyager regular, Hector (Robert Beltran). That’s right, Commander Chakotay comes to the rescue.

Uh, sort of. As we learn, the girls’ dad is in the military–he trained the pair how to fight and use guns, so they can handle themselves (although Sam wishes Hector would handle her).

Because the film was made in the ‘80s, we are treated to a shopping montage set to a non-Lauper version of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, while Regina and Sam have the run of the mall. This was a requirement for most ‘80s films, along with Steve Gutenberg. Meanwhile, there is a secret underground group, with a maze for a logo, keeping tabs on survivors. They decide to bring a few back to the base, and hilarity ensues. By which I mean, stuff gets blown up.

Deep down, Night of the Comet is about family: two sisters are on their own and realize, despite pissin’ each other off from time to time, they are all they have. The girls also realize they need to stick together with Hector if they want to survive (and Regina hopes her and Hector really stick together), and form a new family o’ sorts.

While fairly tame by today’s standards, there is enough blood and violence to go around, and Night of the Comet leans heavily toward the goofy side of the post-apocalyptic meter. Night of the Comet, like any quality b-movie, is a campy, blood-soaked hoot. Give this one a watch–just don’t forget yer hairspray and leotard.

neon lights leotards cheerleading outfit sunglasses at night shopping montage zombies future star trek actors retro video games exploding cars blood stealing keyboard whacking big hair bloody wrenches secret bases MAC-10s	6 BLOOD Not too bloody, but plenty it when it counts. 5 BREASTS While we never see Sam totally topless, she gets down to a bra in one scene, and jumps up and down in a nighty in another. 10 BEASTS Lots of zombie action, including kid zombies. 7.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Night of the Comet”