monster squad

“Maybe I’ll stick one of you in a giant bowl and keep tapping on the glass and see how you like it? Did you ever think how loud that is to me?! Did you!!!?”

When I was in junior high in the mid 1980’s there was a few things to look forward to.. acne, voice changes and the jr. high dances weren’t one of them. The awkward pre-teen ritual of horrible dancing in a dimly lit school gym still etched in my memory. My parachute pants swaying softly in the purple neon light to the soft rock hits of Foreigner.

Fortunately we never have to witness such horrors to our band of pre-teen heroes in the cult classic “The monster squad” They’re more concerned about kicking monster butt and saving the world than asking the girl in head gear to the dance from home economics class (hey I can still make a mean pasta meatloaf so stop laughing.)

Andrew Gower plays Sean Crenshaw the self appointed leader of the Monster Squad. Whether leadership is measure by the length of your spiky 80’s hair or the level of monster killing knowledge is unknown but Sean soon discovers that Dracula has taken residents in his town searching for a holy amulet and book of spells that will unleash the forces of darkness. Along with his fellow foul-mouthed club members Patrick, Del, Horace and Rudy they attempt to track down the amulet before Dracula uses it and opens a portal to untold darkness, or as we like to call it New Jersey.

Dracula isn’t a one man mission though. He enlisted all the Universal theme park monsters to help him including a hilarious squishy faced werewolf who is more ferret like than wolf, a hastily put together mummy who at any moment looks like he’s going to crumble in a strong wind, the gill-man who is a literal fish out water, and of course the legendary Frankenstein brought back to life via some vampire issued jumper cables.

Dracula sends Frankenstein to get the spell book from the kids but unfortunately Frankenstein has the heart of a dead Auntie who liked to bake cookies and decides to join the Monster Squad and play dress up with Andrew’s little sister Phoebe. Franken-wuss apparently blends well with the crowd of 13 years olds going un-noticed by towns folks and authorities as a 7ft tall peeping tom.

The “Mon” Squad learns the secrets of stopping Dracula’s world domination from a scary German guy played convincingly by Leonardo Cimino. Mr. “S.G.G.” translates the book and tells them of the portal will suck out all the evil monsters out of the world like a giant Hoover vacuum cleaner leaving behind just the fresh scent pine. But only if read by a virgin at midnight while holding amulet of goodness (typical dimensional portal stuff). Virgin’s were in low supply in the 80’s but their market value was at all time high so They instead settle on Del’s older sister figuring close enough should count for something. It doesn’t. They should have went to Frankenmuth, Mi. I’m sure there’s some German virgins there sorting Christmas ornaments somewhere and they would have gotten an excellent chicken dinner as well.

Well things end up as a monster battle royal in the town square as Scary German Guy attempts to give a crash course in German to Andrew’s little sister Phoebee. Dracula’s Vampire vixens are encircling, Mummies are aggressively hitchhiking, the Wolfman is searching for Snausages…. and Gill-man…well he’s just left gasping for air. Who will survive and will they save the world from the forces of darkness and how will they get back in time for a jr. high dance?

A fun cult classic for the foul mouthed kid in all of us who’s watched all those vintage Universal horror films. I say give it a try and if you’re ever attacked by a werewolf just kick him in the nards.

Keep an eye out for…
– close range vampire archery
– feret-faced werewolves
– single-ply mummy wrapping
– intense Jewish pie slicing
– pyrotechnician vampires
– peeping Frankenstein
– Fishing with Twinkie bait
– virgin imposters
– cat-faced teachers
– monster air delivery services
– garlic pizza kung-fu
– gratuitous use of the brother from “The Wonder Years”

“for some reason I really want to drink a Pepsi, go to Burger King then buy a new pair of Adidas after I watched this. Can you say product placement?”

rated 8.7 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer from Monster Squad.