Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

“How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?…just one… if they’re this freakishly tall!!”

I’ve taken quite a few autumn trips to the cider mill out in the country side. I enjoyed the hay rides and pumpkin patches, the delicious cinnamon donuts that put me into a hazed sugar comma. But I especially enjoyed the vicious squashing of thousands of helpless apples in the looming cider press. Oh so little do these apples know of their awaiting doom after being freed from the trees. But now I have a new appreciation for the ability of cider presses to not only entertain us tourists but to fight supernatural evil with extreme prejudice.

Leslie Vernon, local turtle wrangler, understands the vengeful power of cider in this great little mockumentary horror film. As a up and coming maniac killer in a world where Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers actually exist, Leslie invites a college film crew led by a Diana Sawyers wanna-be to learn the ins and outs of the killing business. He wants everything about his soon to be legend filmed. A sort of Donald Trump of slashers without the hockey-head hair.

Leslie is like the smart mouth guy you knew in high-school who was very witty and smooth with the ladies but obviously a few fries short of a happy meal. He’s also very enthusiastic about his trade profession as he introduces us to his slasher mentor Eugene, your typical truck-driver physco who likes to be buried alive in the backyard for days at a time. Eugene, played by Scott Wilson, is like the nice bartender at your local pub but this one might have some bodies hidden in the storage freezer next to the kegs.

Leslie who apparently snapped from being given such a girly name at an early age plans to murder a group of stereotypical teeenagers in a nearby abandoned apple orchard/farmhouse complete with rustic furniture and stained ceilings (how’s does a stain like that get on the ceiling anyways?) His hopes are that one of the town’s giant amazonian virgins will fight him in the orchard to the death with a weak handle tree axe or a loose fitted sledge hammer. Potentially stopping his teenage carnage buffet is Dr. Halloran, impressively over acted by Robert “Please call me Freddy” Englund along with some additional victims of the laurel and hardey camera crew.

Leslie picked a tough profession where things don’t usually end well for the employees and would have been better suited to being a stunt double for Jim Carrey or Dana Cook. Oh well he can always post a resume on monster.com if this whole professional supernatural physcopath gig doesn’t work out. I wonder if they’re unionized?

Definitely a film to check out if your a big fan of the classic slashers from the 70’s and 80’s. You won’t be disappointed and you may even learn what to do next time if you’re trapped in an abandoned farmhouse with a couple of airheads, stoners, and football jocks. Just run…run and don’t look back.

Keep an eye out for…
– midget librarians
– 7ft tall virgin amazonian blondes
– psychopaths official car “Toyota Prius”
– narcoleptic stoners
– gratuitous references to Herman Melville characters
– farmhouse kung-fu
– avon face cream of evil
– 1 pole digger to the chest
– Dr. Krueger house calls

“Yea… Yea, plants and turtles… Plants and turtles… I only keep pets I can eat.”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon