Breakin’

“Why don’t people take me seriously anymore?”

When I was 10 years old I took break dancing lessons at the local YMCA. My variety of moves was limited to “the wave” and “the centipede” and not much else. But I did have enough common sense to give myself the cool street name of “Electromagic.” Ok you can stop laughing now. I was like a cross between Vanilla Ice and Urkel complete with big hair and parachute pants (in case I ever had to perform an emergency sky dive.) I was poppin’ and lockin’ my way to early midlife back problems and practicing loop tracks on my Casio keyboard. I can still play a mean rendition of Chaka Khan.

Breakin’ brought back all these frightening memories of my early dancing fame. The single brain cell storyline revolves around a struggling jazz dancer, Kelly played played by Lucinda “got no groove” Dickey who hopes to make it big on Broadway someday. During the day she works at a greasy diner as a waitress, then takes evening dance classes under the tutoring of an even greasier dance instructor. One day he puts his best dirty dance moves on her. Disgusted by his creepy Swayze ways, she quits his class and storms out.

Later that day her flamboyant best friend introduces her to a couple of local street dancers named Ozone and Turbo. Ozone played by Adolfo “Shabba-Doo” Quinones and Turbo played by “Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers are showing off their super 80’s dance moves at the nearby beach. They have the ability to levitate brooms and can bust a groove but dress like blind people lost in a renaissance costume factory. Specifically watch for Ozone’s Zorro-Michael Jackson ensemble and Turbo’s karate-kid inspired outfit that would make Mr. Miyagee cry.

Seeing that Kelly has got some bad dance moves of her own, the two take her to the local dance-off where street gangs dressed as satanic French men battle with epileptic inspired moves while Ice-T rattles out some “G” rated rap. The losers are most likely to get shot in a drive-by later but Kelly still wants to join the team and help create an unholy dance revenge of terror. With her fine balletic skills and jazz hands she should fit right in.

Against their better judgment they let her join the team and give her the street title “Special K” because you’re only cool if your named after a breakfast cereal. She dances like a corn flake, at first crispy but then gets soggy in milk. Ozone begins to fall in love with her though it’s hard to tell since he seems to exhibit only two types of emotions…frustration and apathy.

Can Kelly ever fit in with a street dancer who wears cut-off shirts and shark tooth ear-rings? Can Ozone ever date someone who lacks his accessorizing skills? Kelly enlists the help of a Hollywood agent who oozes slime as he tries to get them the big break on Broadway so they just might end up dressed as extras in the community players rendition of Cats. Having a difficult time fitting in with the old rich people and finger food at a local society party, Ozone breaks up with Kelly figuring he can’t be apart of her new rich world. Soon he finds there’s a hole in his Ozone heart for her that only 2 scoops of special “K” can fill.

The big tryouts are finally upon them and they dress themselves in top hats and tuxedos. Not blending with the other hopefuls contestants who appear to be dressed in western attire including Kelly’s former dance teacher who resembles an evil Colonel Sanders. Will Turbo Ozone and Special “K” make it on Broadway? Will they ever fine clothes that match?

A great nostalgic trip to the boom-box days of break dancing. It’s definitely smells of cheese but it’s a good kind of cheese. So go check it out and get your boogie on the dance floor. Chaka Khan… Chaka Khan…

Keep an eye out for…
– Jean-Claude Van Damme as a spectator in the crowd
– dance floor epileptic seizures
– diner owners with glandular problems
– whirling guy on crutches
– gratuitous use of head bands and ankle warmers
– midget dancers in garbage cans
– ice-t “lite”
– voodoo broom levitations

“ladies and gentlemen, Electromagic has left the building……on a stretcher.”

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Breakin’