Big Trouble in Little China

“Oh no… not another one of my gas attacks.”

Why do my fortune cookies always give me such vague predictions. “You will enjoy prosperity and good health.” Uh… okay when? It might as well say “You will have breakfast and you will be full and enjoy a brisk walk to the front door from your car.” Let’s get some specifics. How about…”avoid pork on Wednesday or it will give you botulism” or “Don’t go hiking on Saturday with granola bars in your pocket or you will be mauled by a bear” But nooo…I only get to know that my lucky numbers are 6-23-56-7. Not even enough numbers for a Lotto ticket.

Kurt Russel should have read his fortune cookie a little closer. “Avoid lawyers who look like Kim Cattrall and green eyed Chinese woman. Go home and take a nap.” But Kurt’s Character Jack Burton, just can’t help finding Big Trouble in Little China. Jack and his friend Wang Lee are at the airport to pickup Wang’s green eye girlfriend only to end up getting her and a couple of other ladies kidnapped by a local gang of sunglass wearing crip gang wanna-be’s. So much for Jack’s introductory demonstrations of heroics. Later they attempt track them down while driving the narrow streets of San Francisco in Jacks’ Giant Pork Chop Express Semi Truck. Not exactly being stealthy, they stumble upon an impromptu Chinese street war. Safe in the confines of the truck they watch the live kung-fu show as if only missing their buckets of popcorn and some gum on the floor.

Suddenly some supernatural powered fighting masters appear out of sky like rejects from Mortal Kombat and start unleashing their own Wang-chung style of justice. Dressed in oversize baskets hats from Pier One Imports, these demon gods can shoot electricity from their finger tips, spin claws of death at their enemy, and fly through the air via some not so well hidden special f/x wires. There’s also the head demon, Lopan who turns out to be the ghost of a living old guy waiting in an underground temple for a green eye Chinese girl that he can sacrifice. Then he can become mortal again and rule the world through a series glowing sword rituals. Confused yet? Don’t worry because Jack is just as confused, probably even more so but that won’t stop him from attempting to kick some supernatural butt.

Jack realizes his hero limitations yet again when he loses his truck to the street gang and is momentarily blinded by Lopan’s secret eyes on high-beam defense move. Man this guy can’t keep track of anything. Finally coming to their senses he and Wang enlist a small army of yellow bandanna wearing martial art experts and a local tour bus driver/alchemist named Egg “overeasy” Shento to find the girls and more importantly help Jack find his truck. They travel to the underworld via a conveniently place firepole and encounter a variety of monstrous roadblocks along the way including a rabid Orangutang, a floating orb of eyeballs, and the black blood of the earth (big clue.. it ain’t oil.)

Jack and Wang spend a lot of time blindfolded and stuck in wheel chairs conversing with an extremely geriatric senior center escapee or having to hold their breath for a variety of underwater magic escapes. Eventually there’s a big battle-royal in the underground temple ala 80’s neon style resulting in lots of aerial sword play, gun fire, and explosive stone throwing. Can Jack and Wang escape the evil clutches of Lopan, save the girls, and find Jack’s beloved truck? Will Kim Cattrall survive to make movies like Mannequin and City Limits?

This is definitely one of John Carpenter’s greatest cult films. Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it, you’ll definitely enjoy checking it out again. It really holds up to the test of time just like that box of Chinese takeout still in your fridge.

Keep an eye out for…
– impromptu kung-fu street brawls
– gang members in ridiculous sunglasses
– handicap accessible ancient underground temples
– Buddha vandalisms
– giant rabid monkeys
– floating eyeball spheres
– explosive weight gain 2000
– static electric kung-fu
– glowing old guys stuck in wheelchairs
– firepoles to netherworlds
– Chinese buffets with $1.99 all you can eat specials

“I have a black belt in feng-shui! Stop your evil ways or I will arrange you furniture to achieve harmony with the environment!”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

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Check out the trailer for Big Trouble in Little China