StarCrash

“Why would someone put the toilet in the middle of the living room?”

I’ve endured the pain of Gymkata, suffered the Nilbog torture of Troll 2, suffered the tons of farm manure shoveled out by Manos the Hands of Fate. But I could never wish the deep hurting that the movie Starcrash rained down on me. Like getting hit in the gut with a sledge hammer just before you’re pushed off a cliff into a pit of rusted Cadillacs, this movie will make you beg for the excitement of waiting in line at a bank or watching c-span after downing a bottle of Benadryl. I am still suffering post traumatic shock disorder from this movie. I close my eyes and still see the people swimming in space.

Stella Star is a space smuggler super model with a fetish for wearing black leather space bikini’s when fighting evil. Her Playboy profile would read something like “enjoys longs swims in outerspace, prefers men that are bulky robots, turns offs are evil minions, cavemen, PMS-ing giant robot women, and snow.”

I would try to summarize a plot to this film but as far as I could tell there really wasn’t one. It would have just gotten in the way anyways. Stella along with her faithful robot companion Akton, named after a failed diet plan, are fleeing the space police in their goofy looking space cruiser. Maybe they’re just out to replace the giant Christmas bulbs that makeup the background space scenes. Akton has the uncanny ability to make Pink Floyd light shows in his hand for his own amusement and can even see into the near future but most of the time it’s seemingly random irrelevant information. It would be like having the ability of predicting what’s for dinner or when the mail is coming. Not exactly hero worthy.

Stella ends up on a prison planet hauling giant glowing beach balls while working out in her favorite bikini. The beach balls are supposedly powering the prison though they should have just harvested the power of the various perms adorning the actors throughout the film. It’s a little known fact that perms were a major power source in the 1970’s. Each strain of hair is a elaborate network of solar cells creating a vast network of….oh wait I’m having another Starcrash flashback.

Stella escapes and with her other robot boy-toy Elle, who looks to have been hastily assembled with used pinball machine parts and a free-range oven. They decide to explore an ice planet together when their ship is sabotaged by a green Spock wanna-be so they end up frozen like cryogenic TV dinners. But Elle holds Stella’s hand and miraculously that keeps her all warm and fuzzy inside preserved like a galactic pop-tart.

The movie could end right there but unfortunately they are thawed later back on the ship with only a hint of freezer burn. On yet another planet they battle against a giant nippled girl robot who looks liked it was hastily put together by a 9 year old kid with a roll of tinfoil and duct tape. They’re also attacked by some wild woman of Womba who fall down easily via a standard karate chop to the neck. This just happens to be a the only defense move Stella has so they easily escape. Suddenly Christopher Plummer shows up as the galactic emperor and freezes time. What the heck is Christopher Plummer doing in this movie anyways? He must have had some mob debts to pay off.

They finally get the help of a prince played by David Hasselhoff before his Knight Ridder days and before he didn’t need to suck in his gut for Baywatch sand running. David helps fight off attacking cavemen with a mask that shoots powerful laser beams out it’s eye holes. David is relegated to the backup hero role while Akton fights off robots with a light saber or to be constantly out acted by his permed hair

There’s also an evil Count Zartan based loosely on Darth Vadar, if Darth Vadar was a small creepy bipolar Latino with greased pointy hair who can’t stop yelling “KILL THEM!!!” Count Zartan intends to take over the universe via a super secret weapon that drives people insane from giant lava lamps special effects. He accomplishes this all from his fortress of kung-fu grip which is shaped like a giant hand. I was almost expecting the fortress to flip me the finger but that probably would have blown the rest of the $6.00 budget.

There’s a big space battle royal with lots of looping film footage and firework explosions. In case you never seen a spaceship launch before, the director is more than happy to show it you a dozen or so times over and over again. Laser blasts a pletny, model kits on fire, light saber duals and poorly balanced robot guards round out the film. And just when you think you’ve seen it all you geet torpedoes packed with imperial soldiers launched at the evil count’s base ship! A failed military tactic if I ever saw one.

Really this movie has to be seen to be believed. Definitely entertaining and purely awful. A so bad it’s good experience like fizz candy and Coca -Cola mixed together. Sure you’ll get a sugar buzz out of it but your stomach might explode.

Keep an eye out for…
– attack by lava lamp
– space swimming
– giant radium gumballs
– Hasselhoff hair
– giant robot nipples
– torpedoes stuffed with soldiers (wtih a side of salsa)
– redneck robots built like a GE oven.
– Christmas tree lights based galaxies
– Spaceships made of old model kit parts and household utensils

“Please Don’t Hassel the Hoff!”

rated 8.0 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this clip from Starcrash