“Johnny’s new satanic twister floor game never did catch on at parties. Players kept ending up in purgatory.”

I’m dissapointed that the media never covered a particular subject this past election season that I felt was important. The problem of overcrowded prisons. If you don’t mind me getting up on my soapbox for a second, I don’t think they rehabilitate and we certainly can’t find enough room to build more of them. I think there’s a couple easy solutions for this though. First, build them on golf courses. Yeah golf courses with all their well manicured grass and rich people in plaid pants chasing around little white balls. They could really use a correctional facility next to the local country club. The lifers in solitary confinement or the trouble makers in cell block 5 could be the new caddy’s. It’s not only punishment for the inmates but it would keep those old rich guys on their toes thinking they might get a 9 iron to the back of the head or end up buried headfirst in a sand trap. As for rehabilitation, I think they should ship in some old Catholic school nuns to shape things up. They could parachute them in storming the golf course hills like para-nuns.  A old cranky nun with a long range wooden ruler and rosemary side arm is much more intimidating than a warden anyday and nuns can get the job done. Sure, in Catholics school You may have hated that old sister of the cloth running your math class but I bet you knew your Algebra. They are able to quite literary strike the fear of God into people and make an excellent prison guard to boot. Even a 250 pound harden criminal serving time for tearing the tag off a mattress pad would cry like a little girl when facing wrong end of one of those wood rulers. So be sure to write you local congress and ask for your new Catholic penitentiary golf resort. It’s time for a change.

nun on the runSister Gloria is one nun you don’t want to mess with in Night of the Demons 2. She’s like the Chuck Norris of Catholicism including the facial hair and roundhouse kicks. She’s also the head holy lady at a private school for troubled teens where the motto is “If you’re not screwed up now we’re not working hard enough.”  Much like Chuck Norris, Sister Gloria’s job consist of mostly trying to educate girls on woman’s health issues and keep teens from having sex. She’d have less to worry about if they just not build their co-ed dorms facing each other’s bedroom windows where the guys stock up on binoculars  and the girls are oblivious to the fact they have no window shades. The school also just happens to be a convenient drive to the old Hull house around the corner where a  demonized Angela made mince meat of some local teens a few years back. Angela’s body was never found and the urban legend peeks the curiosity of some of the students, one of whom happens to be Angela’s sister “Mouse.” She’s A uber-emo girl with a bowl cut hair-do and keen Amish fashion sense. Mouse believes that Angela still haunts it’s halls waiting for her guests to someday return, so some of the girls and school jocks think it would be happy fun times to kidnap Mouse and take her to Hull house for yet another Halloween party and fake virgin sacrifice. Apparently the rule of a successful halloween bash is if everyone dies at the first party, try try again. This time Angela isn’t content to staying on the property with her new guests so she crams her demon soul into a lipstick canister that one of the girls discovers in a bathroom. Yes, the exact same lipstick case from the first film that was ingested by a demon’s boob.  “Ewwww!”  

isn't this everyone's worse fearAfter a sinus vaporizing mist releases Angela from her lipstick prison, she shows us yet again she can still shake her money maker and puts on a  exhibition at the Halloween school dance.  It distracts people long enough for one of her newly converted she-demons to melt a dude’s hand with her mutant breast grip of death, a horrifying second base move for that horny guy. Meanwhile a  local dweeb with a cult book collection that he picked up on Ebay tries to warn the school’s priest that Angela is real and is out for blood. He even performs his own demon raising ceremony to prove it and nearly gets himself killed in the process. What made him think that the best way to prove the existence of a dangerous demon is by throwing them an open house party? That’s like proving the existence of sharks by wearing a wetsuit made of chum.

Angela starts converting over students to  her demon army via dry humping, french kissing, or decapitations, and not necessarily in that order. The result is more of a demon garage band than an actual army ..I only counted about 4 demons totals so they’re still short a keyboard player. Angela tells Mouse that she’s not as evil as everyone says and has a nice heart to heart talk convincing her to head back to Hull house in her demom-mobile. Angela apparently wants to get promoted to management in Hell’s HR office so she hopes that by sacrificing Mouse she’ll score some Beelzebub brownie points. As she gets prepped for the big ceremony, Mouse’s few surviving friends along with the school’s priest,  the assassin nun, and a dweeb armed with holy water squirt guns and water balloons attempt to rescue her. They end up fighting a decapitated point guard and a giant mutant anaconda instead. Not something they were trained for in Catholicism.

Much like the original Night of the Demons…the movie has a lot of tongue in cheek humor…literally, there’s a lot of ripped out tongues and cheeks continuing the fine tradition of gorey horrey fun. So always remember if you’re hosting a Halloween party in a creepy house and some satanic goth girl starts a dance show, don’t wait around for the encore. You should have learned your lesson from your first demon infested halloween party where everyone died.

Roadside Attractions

-1 Demon Snake creature
-2 failed virgin sacrifices
-2 lady liplocks
-Chin chomping
-Talking toilet bowl heads
-Multiple demon french kissing
-Lipstick possessions
-Reverse breast fondling
-Holy super soakers
-Basketball decapitations
-Holy water balloon fights

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

I ordered the three bean burrito platter from Las Tres Amigos and my stomach had it’s own night of the demons. 

 

HAHA! hilarious the YouTube preview image is some dude in his underwear but really this is the actual movie Night of the Demons 2 and not gay porn.