There isn’t a word to describe how totally AWE-some this movie is. That’s mostly ‘cos this movie isn’t all that awesome. The instant I saw Jeremy “One Life to Live” Slate was crossing over into horror I decided to use my time more wisely, I began to search my dog for that louse that had been evading me for months. He was an onery cuss, the louse, and when I found him he put up a good fight. In the end, I got him.

That is a far more entertaining story, so I will now return to my disgustion of The Dead Pit.

This is your typical 1980’s horror set in a mental asylum flick. The plot goes something like this, there’s a crazy psychologist who is killing his patients ‘cos… it’s fun? A colleague catches him in the act and is forced to kill him. Rather than go to the police, the good doctor boards up (i.e. drives a couple nails and fills the gap with spackle) the secret basement pit and all  the dead patients therein and promptly forgets about the whole mess. Twenty years pass and there’s an earthquake which opens the “sealed” basement, releasing the zombie psychologist. There’s not much more by way of explanation, and that’s a good thing, ‘cos as the Jolly Green Mongoloid would have called it, “Ho, Ho, Ho, UMH-tarded!”

The Mad Psychologist is so mad, that when he returns from the dead, he wears rubber gloves. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to do. He’s dead, or undead, so he doesn’t have to worry about any germs. The people he’s treating are soon going to be dead, so no need to protect them…

It makes my head hurt, so I’m going to move on.

Our hero, Jane Doe, has had her memory taken, surgically. She was found wandering around, unawares of who she was. The court sentenced her to a stay at the mental hospital for “therapy” until such time as her memory returned. After much convoluted plot twists, we discover that her memoryectomy was performed when she was a small child. Not only that, but it was performed by the Mad Psychologist, who, remember, was killed twenty years earlier.

Half Naked

Which means she’s been wandering around for 20 something years as an amnesiac…

I think I can actually feel a tumor forming.

There is one attribute, one saving grace, which our heroine possesses, breasts. More importantly, she has the exhibitionistic dignity required to present them for our viewing pleasure. It’s not cheaply thrown in there. Rather, I find how Brett Leonard, the writer/director, slipped them into the story to be dignified. Jane is tied up in a basement. She is wearing a half wife-beater and panties, both cotton, both white.  A cackling nurse isn’t so much spraying Jane’s face and chest as she’s BLASTING them. So much so, in fact, Jane’s half shirt rips right off.

Ah, subtly, thy name is Brett Leonard.

So, in the end, the Mad Psychologist’s pit of dead patients comes back to life to, uhm, do something. It’s not to kill Jane, ‘cos Mad Psychologist has her captured and tied down next to the pit when they rise, and they pass right by her. I ‘spose it’s ‘cos he’s her [spoiler] father. What they do is  get out and wander around a bit, disabling all the vehicles in the parking lot. They then take after the staff. They kill the two police guards, who, in all honesty, deserve worse. If you fail to see the group of about twenty shuffling zombie patients coming at you across a wide open area, moaning and carrying on, you need to be removed from the gene pool. They go on to kill a couple orderlies, a nurse or two and all the patients.

The Dead Pit

Not wanting to get arrested for loitering, they set their sites on Jane and her convenient friend the Demolitions Man. Demo Man whips up a bomb to weaken the truss on the water tower, which has been “blessed” by the other convenient character, Nun Nutter. Nuns can’t bless things, much less would they do so by just repeating “in nomine patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti” (in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit), but I digress. The game plan is such: when the tower topples the  blessed water will pour down into the cellar and consecrate the unholy ground of the pit, thus turning the zombies into pudding.

When it comes down to it, Demo Man was caught without his Hero’s Death Exemption card and therefore has to go down the with water tower. While he’s blowing himself up, Jane faces off with her daddy, Mad Psychologist, one last time.

Naturally, when Mad Psychologist melts we get a shot of Jane kneeling down, eyes closed. The camera slowly pans into her face and… all together now… her eyes are glowing red, just like his did. Thankfully, it’s over, and to the best of my knowledge there was no sequel.

roadside attractions

  • Zombies (whose make-up looked like mime paint)
  • Zombie pudding (what zombies become when sprinkle with holy water)
  • Miniature of hospital and water tower (for flooding scene)
  • Rent-a-center version of Sean Connery (Demolitions Man)
  • Hypnosis
  • Pseudo-psychology
totals

6

blood
BLOOD

couple gallons

7

blood
BREASTS

Two. Displayed in a show fit for any teenage boy’s wet dream.

7

beast
BEASTS

Mad Psychologist, zombies, lunatics.

6.5 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “The Dead Pit”

trailers

dripper