[Editor’s Note: We received this DVD from Donna Bleed via FedEx this morning. The below is transcribed from the salvageable audio, with visuals and other parties in italics. We have not contacted the proper authorities, because the contents below are bewildering, and we don’t want her coming after us.]

Woman’s face, smiling. This can safely be assumed to be Donna Bleed. Ah, Thanksgiving! The one day a year when you gather together with family to stuff yourself and watch football, or air all the family’s dirty laundry and point out everybody’s shortcomings. This is the preferred tradition of my Mother in Law, Pat. I’m not allowed to call her Pat. She *insists* I call her Mother, and it makes me cringe. This is a woman for whom schadenfreude is not an emotion, but a religion. She sucks the life out of a room like a dour succubus. She refuses to eat my cooking, despite her devoted son’s reassurances of how delicious it is (and IT IS!). I’m not good enough to cook for him, and she always fussing about me and the way I keep this trailer house. I’ve wanted to have a chat with her about her manners, and show her just how lucky her son is to have me. She wants a bad dinner, I’ll show her a bad dinner! Camera turns, we are now able to see a bright, spotless kitchen, moving into a living room. Dominating the room is a large television, in front of which is a high-backed chair. Bits of duct tape peek around the sides.

Luckily, I was able to send Bert and Dad out for another bag of cranberries so I can finish up the last bit of baking for tomorrow, leaving Mother and I here for some ‘girl time.’

Mother snuck a piece of the ‘guest fudge’ and she’s now sitting in her favorite chair. She’s going to sit there quietly while I show her my very favorite dinner scenes from some great horror movies. If she’ll stop wiggling, I won’t have to rewind. I want her to see just how bad a dinner could get.

The camera pans back around, to Donna’s face. The camera is placed on a stationary object. She exits the room, and returns shortly with a chair, likely from a dining table. She sits it next to the high-back chair, then moves towards camera, then turns and sits in the chair. We hear a snap, and she leans over to the high-backed chair. A woman’s screams immediately begin.

DB: Oh, hush, Mother. I swear, you make the biggest fuss out of nothing. Screams continue. Donna snaps her fingers. SHUT UP. You are not in charge right now, this is my show. You’re going to watch, and you’re going to learn! Let’s start! Donna points a remote at the television, and it turns on. A slide show presentation begins. The numbers and titles were taken directly from the slide show. All transcribed audio is Donna Bleed talking.

10. Thirteen Ghosts (1960) This is a rather tame one compared to the rest, but I like it because it sets the scene for the mayem of the rest of the movie. All the exposition happens around the dinner table. [She turns to face the woman in the chair, gesturing with the remote control.] See, Mother? See how calmly they’re all talking? [Reply indistinct.] Pass the peas, and by the way, you’re all going to die because there are 12 ghosts in your house, you play with the Ouija, and the Wicked Witch of the West is your maid. Look at how civilized they are! [She turns back to face the television, pointing the remote control.]

9. The Legend of Hell House (1973) One of the finest furniture-flinging, pissed-off poltergeist, chasing skeptics around the room scenes ever put to film…[Screams resume, with cries of “Help!” DB pauses the video and stands, pointing at the person in the chair] and if you don’t shush with that screaming… [DB leans out of frame, then back, brandishing a throw pillow] …I’ll stuff this throw pillow between your teeth and you can choke on imitation goose down. Nobody here will help you, they know better. [Screaming is replaced with muffled crying. DB tosses the pillow out of frame and nods curtly.] That’s more like it. [DB sits back down, and starts the video.] Now where were we? Oh yes! Look! The plates jitter and jive all over that table like they’re doing the Bristol Stomp! Those slivers of broken glass look sharp as a pistol, don’t they, Pat? [DB looks sharply at Pat, leaning on the arm.] Do you mind if I call you Pat? [Reply indistinct] Oh, every time I look across the dinner table at you, I picture something like this happening. You know, I think you do, too. It’s so great to bond. [DB reaches over] Here, let me get that hair out of your face…there you go. [DB advances the video]

8. Carrie (1976) While less dramatic, we’ll keep in vein with the souped-up psychic phenomena. She’s going to the prom, Mrs. White, and you’re not going to stop her! [DB slams her fist on the arm of the chair, glaring at Pat] I married your son, Pat! [Crying resumes] You couldn’t stop me, no matter how many times you stood across the room and called me a witch! [DB slaps her knee, bending over in her chair, laughing. She sits back up, pointing at the screen] All it took was a cup of lukewarm apple-cinnamon zinger thrown in her face and she turns into a telekenetic wunderkind, holding momma captive in her own kitchen. No smashing crockery, but the threat that if she wanted to she could, and she’d enjoy it. She’s not going to her closet, she’s gonna let the boys look at her dirtypillows. So there. [DB advances video]

7. American Gothic (1987) This movie is not well known, sadly, but it’s one of my favorite twist-ending psycho-family flicks. This is one of a couple of dinner scenes, but the first one is a big ol’ red flag screaming to these liberal types to just go on and row their way back to the mainland before they become beef-jerky barbie dolls. There are blessings, and there are BLESSINGS, right, Pat? And when Yvonne De Carlo scolds you for not being in the Clean Plate Club and for telling tall tales about the moon landing, you know something’s just not right. Pa made me uncomfortable when he talked about the vice of tobacco. You can’t get their dander up too early, or they’ll run, unless they’re stupid…oh, wait. Heh, that’s just what happens. [DB advances the video]

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead, aka Dead-Alive) (1992) I’ll never forget the first time I saw this one, Pat. It was a special day! I had to rewind it to be sure I had seen what I thought I saw. One of the pinnacle gross-out, gag-o-matic scenes ever put on film; you’ve got skin sloughing, zombie slobbering, ooze spewing, undead pus-filled pudding eating…it’s beautiful in it’s awfulness. Hats off to Peter “The One Ring” Jackson for making one of the grossest films ever put to celluloid, right, Pat? [DB looks at Pat] Pat? Oh, this is why I keep smelling salts handy…[DB drops the remote and stands, reaching into her apron pocket. She leans in to Pat. A sharp snap, and Pat’s screaming resumes] There we go. [Screams continue] Yes, yes; now you were nice and calm just a second ago. [DB points at the television behind her] Don’t make me rewind this…[Screams immediately stop. DB turns, picks up the remote and sits down.] That’s better. Moving on! [DB advances the video]

5. Hannibal (2001) He’s so classy, that Hannibal the Cannibal, especially when he’s murdering somebody! [DB leans on the chair in a relaxed way] Making sauteed brains in a copper fait-tout out of the man who got Clarice fired! How elegant, how refined…and she’s so ungrateful! [Muffled; possibly “Right” or “Uh-huh”] I saw this one in the theater, and when he removed the top of Paul’s head, I couldn’t help but laugh with delight, much to the discomfort of my fellow theater patrons. [DB looks at Pat] You’re looking a little green, Pat; you know, I thought you were made of stronger stuff! Just focus on the silverware. [DB advances video]

4. Psycho (1960) You’re the only guest at the motel, you just stole a bunch of money from your job, and the awkward clerk invites you up to his house for dinner. The room is full of taxidermied animals and over your sandwiches and coffee, he tells you he did it himself. [DB looks at Pat] That is the time you put down the sandwich (to quote you, “who knows WHAT it’s made of!), [Pat chuckles] and drive off into the night. How many warning signs do you need? Then dear old MOTHER starts screaming from upstairs about the whore in her parlor? Yeah, let’s sleep there! [Laughter from both. DB advances video.]

3. Alien (1979) I have never clutched my chest so hard in my life; this is the kind of heartburn that no kind of antacid or bicarbonate soda will even touch! Alien larvae incubating in your esophagus, just waiting on you to scarf down on some galactic spaghetti-o’s, then BAM! Space spawn all over your formica table. Everyone screaming, then out pops that bugger like a stripper from a giant cake…memories. [ Pat, indistinct, “…seen that? No!” DB turns to face Pat] You have to admit, this is brilliance right here. [Pat, indistinct, ”..better…Ressurection…”] I mean, come on, exploding John Hurt! Alien chest babies! Dinner is the beginning of the end for this crew! [DB advances video]

2. Misery (1990) This was another one that had multiples to choose from, and it is hard to pick a favorite, but one that speaks to me, [DB looks at Pat] especially when it comes to our relationship, is the fancy dinner scene. She’s rolled out the leaf in the table and lit candles, and all he wants to do is kill her with his saved-up Novril. But, that clumsy oaf, she spills that wine. But, was she so much clumsy as she is crafty, Pat, hmm? [DB turns to face Pat, leaning on the chair.] You’ve pulled this one on me a couple of times, [Pat, indistinct, “…could smell it…”] but I got you with that stash of fudge, didn’t I? I wish she wouldn’t have spilled, though; she needed to be punished for putting Spam in her meatloaf. [Pat, indistinct “…might be alright, but I…wouldn’t …Bert try it…” DB laughs, turning back to face the television. Advances video.]

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) The family that slays together stays together, Pat! Just ask my momma! [Pat, indistinct “…your mother…wedding…lovely”] Shh-pay attention! [DB points emphatically at the television] This is THE hands-down ultimate dinner scene of all dinner scenes before or since. This also happens to be my very favorite movie of all time. [Pat: “Really?” DB nods.] Yes, and this scene is the reason why. Three generations of jeering cannibal psychos, [Pat, indistinct “…grandmother someday…”] Shush! Look at the helpless girl tied to an armchair made out of real arms, REAL ARMS, Pat! The sweltering heat-look! [DB points at the screen] Look at the heat waves rising during the overhead shots! Look at those bloated animal parts baking! Then you’ve got Leatherface’s lovely dinner mask, Marilyn Burns’ horrified screams…you feel like you’re going crazy right along with her, don’t you, Pat? [Pat, indistinct “…a little dizzy..”] Then, just when you think it can’t get any more horrifying, holy- [Pat: ”Language, young lady.”] Er…uh…moley! Grandpa isn’t a corpse, he’s ALIVE! He’s gonna smash her with the hammer! [Pat: “That’s awful.”] Stay with it, Pat, come on! See! Look! Look at the blood! I-

[A car door slams outside, DB leaps from her chair, runs out of frame.] Oh! That’s Bert’s car! [DB rushes back to the chair, bending down. Slight tearing sounds.] Let me just get this tape. [Pat: “OW!” I know, yes it stings, I’m sorry. I’ve got ointment…Shh, they’ll hear. [A door opens, DB looks towards it, smiling brightly, pointing the remote behind her, turning off the television.] Hi, honey, hi, dad! [Male voices, indistinct. Two male figures walk into frame towards the kitchen, carrying grocery bags. Male voice, indistinct: “…furniture, sweetie?” A woman (Pat) stands up from the high-back chair, pulling the sleeves of her sweater down around her wrists, turning to face camera. DB backs up, standing close to the television]

Pat: For God’s sake, Bert, the woman has been slaving away in there and you’re asking about furniture? I moved the furniture.” [Bert, indistinct: “…Ma…asking…”]

Pat: Yeah well you could help out rather than conducting an interview. [Pat walks out of frame, following Bert into the kitchen. Grocery bags rattle. An oven timer goes off. Murmured voices. DB walks to the chair, removing the tape from the back and sides. She walks towards camera, balling up the tape and putting it into her apron pocket. She leans in, her face filling the frame.]

Donna Bleed: [Whispering] Happy Thanksgiving!

[DB grins, adjusts her glasses, and drops a wink. The camera goes dark.]

[Editor’s Note: The footage ends. We do have to admit, she’s got some pretty good taste in movies. Happy Thanksgiving from your crew at The Lost Highway!]