Satan Claus

If one more kid asks me for a Zuzu Pet...

This is a very dark film. I mean that quite literally, not that it was brooding and evil. It was either a.) filmed in dark-o-vision (i.e. with the lens cap on) or b.) zombie Ray Charles was the director of photography. Or, perhaps c.) both. The lighting is so bad that for most of the 61 minutes you can’t tell what is going on.

From what I could hear, that might have been for the best. The story was terrible, but the acting…

The acting left my heinie feeling violated and in desperate need of a very hot shower. I implore the actors in this film to pick up a copy of The Room and study it, thoroughly. There is much you can learn. After which, get anything starring William Shatner. Please don’t skip ahead and go straight for Shatner. You’re not ready for that. Please, take small steps. I don’t want you to hurt yourselves.

I will say this, the one kernel of corn in this turd in the punch bowl, was the Rent-A-Center Mrs. Cleo. I dubbed her Mrs. Chloe ‘cos don’t know what her name was, Mom-mom or something uhm-tarded like that. I was too busy comforting myself with the gentle swaying that is the Autistic Rock while counting all the toothpicks in my kitchen.

In conclusion, if you’re finding it hard to pass that clump of cheese fondue from your work’s Christmas party, this is the movie for you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend it.