Raiders of Atlantis

“Raiders of Atlantis” aka “Atlantis Interceptors” sort of reminds me of “Rambo First Blood”…in that people will say “First Blood was a good movie, Raiders of Atlantis isn’t.” It’s a sort of “Everything but the kitchen sink” approach to filmmaking and could be the only movie to actually suffer from ADHD.

It all starts out as a white guy/black guy buddy movie with Mike (Christopher Connelly) and Washington (Tony King) chloroforming rich guys in mansions and then hog tying them up for delivery in the trunk of their car. After making their last drop and reminiscing about the Viet Cong they decide to take a boat trip. Their vacation is cut short though when they have to pick up survivors from a capsized ocean platform where a Russian submarine just popped up thanks to a large helping of baking soda. Toy subs in a bathtub have never been more breath taking. Somehow the radioactive missiles in the sub have also caused the ancient island of Atantis to rise, a sort of ancient island viagra. The sky grow darks, casio keyboards play in the distance and somewhere a bimbo gets a blow dart to the neck. Behold the mighty powers of Atlantis!

Raiders of AtlantisOne of the platform survivors is Cathy (Gioia Scola.) She’s your average super model scientist who has an ancient pre-Columbian tablet that possibly tells the secrets of the ancient city…and how Juan Valdez can pick all those dang coffee beans all by himself. After some brief sexual tension and discussions about spinach diners they all arrive ashore on a totally different island just to further confuse things. The town’s streets are abandoned and it’s inhabitants have all been brutally killed, a Packers celebration gone horribly wrong. but A gang of  “Road Warrior” rejects are still roaming the streets lead by a bouncer in a fish bowl helmet shaped like a skull. Because when you think evil leaders, you think clear plastic headware.

The biker gang attacks the survivors who hold up in a warehouse, alamo style and start flinging an endless supply of  flaming cocktails. Despite the unlimited ammo, Cathy stills gets kidnapped while Mike and his group try to go after her on a tour bus fending off any air dropped punk rockers. Mike, Washington, the professor, ginger, and a few nameless victims go along for a helicopter ride to the Atlantis Raiders of Atlantisisland to try to rescue Cathy. They somehow stumble upon an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular  including spiked jungle traps and poorly paid cliff divers. Mike has plans to sink the island since they have a professor aboard who can neutralize the radioactive missiles  in the now washed ashore submarine.  Once again this proves the theory that all island professors can build radio’s out of coconuts and reverse radioactive isotopes in their spare time.

Mike uses the totem as a sort of babe scientist GPS device guiding them to an underground tomb where Cathy is being held captive by the band Devo. They’re forcing her to perform as a backup singer in a Robert Palmer music video and solve pictionary puzzles while intravenously feeding her prozac. Tom and Washington fight 100’s of tribal gangs, nearly get chomped up in a ancient wind tunnel fan and dodge aztech death lasers only to find that she doesn’t want to go that badly and then disappears into the wall. Typical first date. The biodome on the island starts to shut and Tom and Washington have to high tail it out before the effects budget runs out.

Barry Goodall says it’s all good…but only  if consumed with large amounts of Pabst Blue and zucinni snappers. Check it out and don’t forget to wear a helmet.

roadside attractions

  • Gratutious use of spinach
  • Toy submarine
  • Drive-by decapitations
  • Flaming cocktails
  • Flame throwers
  • Aztech laser spectacular
  • Flaming helipcopters
  • Extreme wind tunnels
  • Jungle spike impalement
  • Punk rocker blow darts
  • Fish bowl helmets
  • Over use of the term “Come on!” and “Alright lets go!”
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Decapitations, spearing, impaling gore.

3

blood

BREASTS

As cheap as this movie was they wouldn’t sink to that level. pity.

5

beast

BEASTS

If you count the Atlantis demon spirits, probably a dozen or so tops.

5.2 OVERALL
dripper

The original title was “I predatori di Atlantide” which roughly translated means, “I predict this movie will end up in the Atantic”

Check out the trailer for “Raiders of Atlantis”

trailers

dripper