Slumber party massacre

If you’d compare power tools and slasers, “Slumber Party Massacre” is the Sears Craftsman of 80’s slashers… and it’s a great dinner party conversations starter too. The movie’s a perfect blend of blood, breasts and beasts featuring 2 foot long drill bit and plenty of cleavage. And before anyways starts their email writin’ saying “Barry this is just obviously another one of your ¬†exploitation of women for horny middle aged men living in their parents basement films dealing with inadequency issues”, let me tell you It was made by real live women…. and I moved out of my parents months ago when mama needed the room for her taxidermy. It was scripted by feminist activist Rita Mae Brown and directed by Amy Holden Jones who went onto to writing such screenplay gems as¬†Mystic Pizza, and Beethoven.Yes, two of the most testosterone free movies any guy could endure sober, yet somehow they managed to put out this quality melonfest slasher.

slumber party massacre

The party really gets kickin’ when Trish’s mom and dad are out of town and it’s all over the news that a psycho killer is on the loose. That can only mean one thing….slumber party in your underwear! With the all day basketball practice and gratutious community showering, there’s little time for the girls to get nekkid in front of the living room window. A couple of guys show up to do some peeping Tom foolery but one of them gets elbowed in the eye and has to press hotdogs to his face to bring down the swelling. That’s probably not how he imagined his night going.

Trish’s neighbor, Valerie, is babysitting her butch younger sister whose been perusing a stash of porno-mags and doing her best to stay incredibly annoying at least until her voice changes and she has to start shaving. There’s some back seat ardvarking out in the garage with one of the couples in a sedan where romance is always best to the music of Journey and under the haze of carbon monoxide. It’s just enough to set off any nearby psycho sex alarms so Russ Thorn shows up with a 2 foot cordless power drill and what has to be the best battery charge he’s ever had. He bores out holes in their hippie neighbor who was just hunting garden snails with a cleaver and then drills through the eye sockets of the pizza guy who still manages to ring the door bell. Now that’s a guy looking for a good tip.

Whoever is left that isn’t swiss cheese yet decides it’s best to send out the men to make a run for help so the guys logically split up and get death drilled faster than a texas oil reserve. Meanwhile the girls are still huddled inside eating the pizza kept warm from the fresh body. Dead people start piling up pretty quick so the driller killer puts them on ice in the space saver fridge carefully not crushing the Swanson salsbury steak dinners he saved for later. Valerie finally stops by just in time to battle Russ with a firepoker and title for the world’s worse sword fighter while her sister looks on drinking a weight gain 2000 shake. It’s denim-tastic.

Barry Goodall says drill baby drill! but be sure to bring both metric and standard drill sets. You know, in case you have to kill in Europe.

disclaimer: Sears in no way endorse or supports the use of their power tools in psychomaniac rampages and will not accept tool returns used in killing sprees without a receipt and in like new condition.

roadside attractions

  • gratuitous shower scene
  • snail hunting
  • gratuitous clothes changing
  • blatant usage of “if the van is rockin’ don’t come a knocking”
  • multiple head drillings
  • garage decapitation
  • pizza delivery eye gouging
  • chest drilling
  • 2 knife stabbings
  • freezer burn bodies
  • hand chopin’
  • stomach slashin’
  • machete impalement
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Mutiple slash and gashers for the gore hounds.

10

blood

BREASTS

holy melon fest batman…Did I mention this was a movie made by feminists? nice job on the lingering camera work in the shower scenes ladies.

7

beast

BEASTS

psycho Russ Thorn…and I guess you could count the snail and maybe the neighbor’s Hawaiin shirt.

9.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Slumber Party Massacre”

trailers

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