Shew! Things have been just crazy here! We’ve been doing some cleaning out and remodeling after the last visit from the health inspector. He doesn’t tend to score well when there’s human remains on the premises, so we had to take care of them… and him. But, we gave ourselves a modest score of 92 after we got all the blood off’n his clipboard, and had to make it through a bit of questioning by the authorities, but not to worry, we’re just fine and dandy. I had a couple of days off right before we reopened, and seeing as how things are a tad bit lonely in these parts, I decided to try out something a little romantical.  Which has brought me to Love Object.

Love Object is the tale of socially inept technical manual writer, Kenneth. He is hot to trot, but he doesn’t have the huevos to ask the cute new temp out. After a meeting with his mercurial supervisor, Mr. Novak, he’s given a difficult project with a ridiculous deadline and has to work in close quarters with the girl of his dreams, but instead of being normal and asking her out to coffee, he goes an alternate route.

One of his more helpful coworkers (that guy who keeps hardcore porn in the office- You all have one, I’m sure!) introduces him to ultra-realistic love dolls. This sends him into a tizzy, prompting him to visit his local purveyor of filth. The clerk at the porn store has some strange wine-colored rash and facial deformity, which startles our romeo, and keeps him from buying anything to add to his spank bank.

After considering the options of actually talking to the girl or spending $10,000 on a sex toy… you guessed it. He goes online and orders the custom-crafted Nikki doll, basing her physical features on his office temptress, Lisa.

He begins to recieve calls from his bank, asking about the charge, because it sent him into massive overdraft, but they’re giving him until the end of the month to pay the balance. Nikki is delivered by a man with one of those crazy rashes on his hand, and his creepy apartment manager starts poking his nose into his business, because large packages are everyone’s business, even the cop neighbor from downstairs.

I swear to my grandma, if my neighbors were this nosy, I’d either be acting as bizzare as possible on purpose, or I’d move out. These folks are listening through walls and trying to look into peep-holes and all that. That is not how adults interact with each other! If I caught someone looking into my peephole, they’d get a skillet upside the head! Err… well, maybe a stern talkin’ to. Yeah. That one.

He gets the box inside and unearths darling Nikki. He whips her out of the box and, well, you know. Yeah, you do. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, either. He tries to return her (EWW!), but then finds the instruction manual. Now, this thing is no manual, it’s a CD-Rom that just lights up all of tech-boy’s dials; complete with audio and pictures he can print out and tack up to his corkboard, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do!

He starts paying a lot of attention to Lisa the temp, and enacts all kinds of freaky scenarios, buying the silicone seductress clothes and lingerie, and even venturing back to the porn shop… where everyone has those weird rashes! Is the director trying to say something? If you’re kinky, you get a rash? Well, honey, if that’s the price for being kinky, then I should look like I’ve had full-body poison oak for 17 years.

The problem with him payin’ so much attention to Lisa is that Nikki is a jealous doll. Think Chatty Cathy, but with a realistic va-jay-jay, and a nastier temper. He wakes up to find she’s moved, changed wardrobe, even attacked his stalkery- um, no, not that, but his research- with a nice German kitchen knife.

He finally gets with the girl and is tired of all of Nikki’s bullcrap, hacks her into pieces, and throws her into the dumpster. Then he goes forth, forging a new romance with Lisa, dancing, making the sign of the three-throated cobra, even dressing her up like Nikki. Everything is roses, until…

She finds the advertisement for Nikki and freaks out (naturally!), dumps him, and he’s sent into the biggest tizzy of them all- tries to order a new doll and gets denied, he requests an advance on his bonus for writing the manual and gets fired, then he goes nuts and attacks Lisa.

He brings her back to his apartment and puts her in the specialized rig he made for Nikki. His apartment manager gets suspicious and comes into the apartment and sees her. Kenneth, (who is now sporting a crazy pervert rash of his own) kills him after Nikki the dismembered sex-doll calls him on the phone, and chops him up.

He has decided to plasicize Lisa, that way she can be his party-doll forever and ever. During a struggle, Lisa manages to send his plans to the office, hoping they’ll get it and send help.

Kenneth is officially off his nut now, and has Lisa tied down in the box that Nikki came in. He puts a needle in her femoral artery to drain her blood, and has a full embalming rig sitting there ready to go. She flips out (of course), and they have a decent little fight.

While this is happening, the apartment manager’s chopped-up bits have been found by the cops, and who else but his downstairs neighbor is in on the discovery! He tries to call Kenneth, but doesn’t get an answer. He decides to just drop in, and sees Lisa on top of Kenneth in dominatrix lingere, preparing to stab him with the very large, very sharp embalming needle! He wastes no time emptying his clip into Lisa. HOLY JEEZ!!

Kenneth gets his job back, plus he gets his bonus; Lisa is labeled as a psycho, and who gets a Nikki 2.0? You guessed it, ol’ rash-neck hisself.

I tell you what, this one is definitely an examination of relationships gone pear-shaped. I don’t much care for the director trying to be all high-and-mighty about what people should stick into themselves or vice-versa, but overall a very off-kilter flick. It really makes you feel off balance at times, especially when Lisa is revealed to not be the perfect doll Kenneth has made her out to be, and his hallucinations of Nikki attacking him are nuts. Check this one out!

roadside attractions

  • Ultra-Realistic Silicone Love Doll
  • Multiple aardvarking
  • needle-fu
  • tattoo-fu
  • shock at body piercing
  • limp noodle
  • pervert rash
  • mildy kinky behavior
  • psychological trauma
  • cubicle dwelling
  • office politics-fu
  • sexual deviancy
  • 1 real head rolls
  • 1 silicone head rolls
  • Rip Torn-fu
  • pink slip-fu
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

2 gallons of blood.

3

blood

BREASTS

Sorry fellas, I don’t count silicone ta-tas as the real kahunas

6

beast

BEASTS

Kenneth and Rip Torn, and anyone else with a pervert rash!

8.00 OVERALL
dripper