What is it about the deep south that brings hapless victims and mutants together like old people to casinos? In “The Bloodstalkers,” it’s that constant state of weird, Florida. I Blame it on the humidity, an obsession with tree fruit or senior prescriptions seeping into the water supply. There ain’t no nekkid face eatin’  in this one, but I do have  suspicion the director had been snortin’ the bath salts one too many times.

Mike (Jerry Albert) is taking his wife Kim  down to the Everglads to check out a cabin he inherited. Along for the ride is  Danny (Ken Miller) a poor excuse for a used car salesman along with his stripper girlfriend Jeri (Celaa Anne Cole.) Yes, the same Celaa Anne Cole who shoke her shiny future  hinny in Space Mutiny.

While driving the backroads, they stop at a local gas station hoping to find some breathable polyster jackets and trucker hats. Instead they’re warned by a crotchety store owner to “stay away from them woods…ya varmits” ok he didn’t say “ya varmits” but I swear he threw in a “horn swaggle and a “dang nabbit” in there somewhere. Mike and friends laugh it off so they can get quicker to their deaths and ask for directions from a roadside deaf mute who makes popping noises with his tongue (sorry ladies he’s already taken.) Like a redneck Onstar, he points them to an overgrown trail leading to their shack in the swamp but their brady bunch station wagon gets stuck and they have to hoof it on foot.

There’s quite a long time before any killing so we learn about Mike’s post traumatic Stress disorder, Kim’s love of denim and how Jeri is a really bad stripper ever since becoming a nun. Ok I made up that last part but it was still more interesting than their actual story. Mike takes a skinny dip with Kim to get away from Danny and Jeri’s constant dry humping on furniture so they relax in a swamp hole behind the cabin. Lots of backwoods nookie and 70’s folks music before Kim catches a glimpse of a furry man hanging out on the deep end of their oozie jacuzzi. Mike doesn’t see it (likely due to how dark this film is) so they head back to the shack to dry off leaving the swamp sasquatch to throw mud pies at their car.

Later that night, Jeri is attacked by a furry hand  through their window trying to coop a feel, but Mike scares him away with a mini-pistol he won in a crane game. Jeri goes  into catatonic shock and Mike in a bold heroic move leave everyone at the cabin alone and heads back to town for help. Along the way he get hassled  by some drunk Miami Dolphin fans and meets the town’s minister who tells him the truth about the cabin, sasquastch and recites entire book of Leviticus.

Ken hightales it back to the cabin while a church choir sings his action theme music only to find his wife and friends murdered and left in humorous poses. Yet another mass mime homcide. The town sherrif shows up late to let Ken know those rednecks in town were actually poachers and the cabin is where they kept the goods but Ken is too busy workin’ up some tears over his impaled girlfriend to care.  One of the poachers dressed in a monkey suit shows up for a one man game of shotgun roulette while the rest of poachers take down the sheriff. Limbs are chopped, bell bottoms are soiled and Mike has to walk back to town alone since everyone he knows and loves is dead… but hey it’s the 70’s so he’s still mello.

Barry Goodall says track down Bloodstalkers for some deep hurting cajun style. It might make you wish the south did secede.

roadside attractions

  • scythe to throat
  • multiple axings to various body parts
  • shotgun to chest
  • mute redneck GPS
  • swampwater skinny dippin’
  • neck and hand choppin’
  • a creepy shirtless Ken Miller
  • Brady Bunch stationwagon
  • Baptist choir killer theme music
  • Rednecks poachers in ape suits
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Wait for it….wait for it…

7

blood

BREASTS

Skinny dippin’ C cups and some cleavage on display. But nothin’ to write home about. Wait, that would be a weird thing to write home about.

5

beast

BEASTS

The Bloodstalkers who really aren’t sasquash but merely unshaven Floridians. Go Dolphins!!!

5.0 OVERALL
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They should heed the warning of the old swamp rat, kerwin … “That’s Bloodstalker Country … nobody can survive out there overnight!.”

Check out this b-movie survival tip from “The Bloodstalkers”

trailers

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