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Listen, I’m all for alternate energy sources….wind, solar, hydro, trapped souls, heck even moon shine will run my lawn mower, but let’s just take nuclear off the table ok? IT’S NUCLEAR. It’s a little atomic bomb that never stops exploding and if there’s one thing b-movies taught us is that nuclear and nature don’t mix. We’ve already seen swarms of radioactive ants and giant spiders attacking teenagers making out in convertibles. All this just because they took a little roll in some radioactive goop, and what about that so called “Amazing Colossal Man?” Yup, nuclear blast made him grow 60ft., lose all his hair and now he has to wear a giant diaper! Oh the humiliation, and let’s not forgot Godzilla, the first nuclear powered pet lizard. I say keep nuclear where it’s safe, in flying Deloreans and missile defense systems.
Speaking of going ballistic. We’re heading back to school with “”Class of Nuke Em’ High.” It’s the heart warming tale of what happens when nuclear power meets teenage love and what to do with mutant sewer babies. Tromaville High School sits conveniently next to a nuclear power plant where the class motto is reading, writing and radiation but after a minor plant accident some atomic stew seeps into the water supply and makes the students go nuts-o. A rabid geek starts spewing green goo and tosses himself through a window to end up a puddle on the sidewalk while the school is being over run by former honor students who call themselves “the Cretins.” They’re a bunch of Mad Max rejects who sport gymnastic size nose rings and sell radioactive marijuana to maintain their hair gel supply. Warner the class putz, and his dizzy girlfriend Chrissy try some of the weed at a indoor pool party and proceed to do the horizontal mamba without a safety net. In the after glow, Warner fantasizes he has an 8 ft. tent pole in his pants. The kind they warn about in those viagra ads and Chrissy dreams that her belly is blowing up like jiffy pop but it turns out she really is pregnant with a baby tadpole that she spits out in the toilet. Why didn’t they show these types of films in those abstinence classes?
The mutant tadpole travels through the basement pipes and lands in a barrel full of radioactive waste where it grows into a giant gooey porcupine. Warren whose been thinking a lot about baseball is hormone raging and is sporting some bad acne. He takes out some of his frustration by throat punching a few Cretins who just smacked down a grandma crossing the street. Meanwhile, some shmucks in devo-radiation suits show up with gigercounters to get their arms gnawed off by the basement mutant. Chrissy is taken hostage by the surviving Cretins back at the school where Warren fights them on motorcycles. The monster decapitates a few just for the kicks (extreme hallway safety monitoring!) Warren rescues Chrissy from it’s tentacles and shoots it in the eye with it with a makeshift laser gun resulting in a psychedelic laser light meltdown. Pink Floyd music not included. Most of the faculty are dead but at least the students will get a nice extended summer vacation while the radioactivity hangs around for the next 200 years or so.
Barry Goodall says go enroll for Class of Nuke Em’ High. It may end up killing you on the inside but you’ll glow on the outside.
Check out this trailer from “Class of Nuke Em’ High”