Experiment 42

He was born 3 days after the introduction of the IBM PC, the offspring of an alien and a maniac. He runs on DOS. Raised on the isle of Zaxxon on a steady diet of Mail Order Monsters. Has 20 imaginary friends all named Vic, a secret girlfriend called Lisa, and even an imaginary pet platypus he calls “The Commodore”. Nocturnal by nature, must wear prescription eyewear to prevent blindness. Has an eye for Adventure, no stranger to Combat, (even the occasional Joust). Built a teleporter at age 11. Spent most of his teens and twenties watching and collecting movies in order to better assimilate human culture. Lost Highway now proudly brings Experiment 42’s review of Freaked. Time to get your freak on!

freaked

So, you are visiting a third world country, happen to be on the back roads and see misspelled signs for a freak show. Of course you would need to go visit it right? Well, that is what 3 dupes do. Upon seeing that it is run by Randy Quaid, they decide, sure, it’s safe to go into the secret warehouse. That’s when it all goes wrong for our … ‘heroes’? With the help of a Commodore 64, and some kind of radioactive fertilizer they are turned into hideous freaks to be displayed for the paying public of “Santa Flan”.

Ricky Coogan (Alex Winter from Bill and Ted) a sleazy, former child actor, and Ernie (Michael Stoyanov of Blossom) his lackey friend, fly Pan Am to Santa Flan [named for the patron saint of creamy desserts] to help promote the use of banned chemical fertilizer Zygrot 24. There they are met by a swarm of protesters let by Julie (Megan Ward of Trancers II/III) who they convince to ride with her to pelt Coogan with Insults and Cow crap.

On their journey Ricky eventually blows his cover and argues with Julie until a string of signs leads them to Elijah C. Skuggs Freek Land, a local freakshow. Skuggs [Randy Quaid] tricks all three into visiting his secret warehouse. After being transformed by something that looks like a green slime akin to Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, Ricky, Ernie and Julie meet all of the freaks created by Skuggs.

freakedA man with a giant nose, a crescent wrench turned into a hammer, a bearded lady (played by Mr. T), a frog man, the Eternal Flame (A Man with constant flaming flatulence), a man whose head has been turned into a sock puppet, a cow cowboy, a human worm, and Ortiz the dog boy (played by the uncredited Keanu Reeves). They come up with a plan to escape Skuggs’s machinations. First dodging Mr. Toad, and two Rastafarian machine gun toting eyball robots. Then the additional transformation of Ricky into a super freak. I was still waiting to hear Skuggs utter “Shi***** full”.

Honestly, you need to watch it to know whether you will enjoy it or not, but it is the quintesscential B-Movie. C-List actors, lots of foam rubber, puns, and cameos.

roadside attractions

  • Rabid Dog Boy Knife Fight
  • MACHINE GUN RASTAFARIAN EYEBALL ROBOTS
  • Petting and Heavy Petting Zoo
  • The world’s loudest styrofoam cup
  • President of the United States Larry Bud Melman
  • Outhouse built like a TARDIS
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Head Spiked like a football after being removed with one’s bare hands.
Man Impaled with I Like Ike Placard
Bob Vila hit in the head with a hammer.
Brooke Shields riddled with bullets. Twice.
College Professor Crushed in a Riot. Twice.

0

blood

BREASTS

The closest we come to seeing any skin is just post transformation of JulieErnie, and just prior the miming of extra chest-al equipment.

5

beast

BEASTS

All of the Freaks
A Really Big Shoe
Two Headed Chicken

7.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Freaked”

trailers

dripper