necronomicon

Jeffery Combs plays HP Lovecraft, the infamous horror writer that just learned a bunch of shape shifting Hari Krishnas have a copy of the famed Necronomicon. It’s a first edition, mint condition, so he rushes to their monastery and finds it stashed in a secret library ontop of a grated fish tank. Yes, a fish tank that holds non other that Cuthulu…possibly…or could just be a very large Koi fish. It’s hard to tell. These  guys have some weird food fetishes. HP quickly starts copying some of the stories from the pages onto his notepad to give us his 3 tales of cliff notes terror.

The first installment revolves around Edward De LaPoer (Bruce Payne) who just inherited a creepy ocean front hotel. Despite having never seen the Shining he travels there with his realty agent while reading a letter about his uncle Jethro tragic death. Years ago Jethro’s wife and son were both killed in a boating accident near the hotel, or the idea of being married to a man named Jethro was simply too much for his wife to bear.At the in-home funeral Jethro  throws a bible into a fire and the mourners flee his house Necronomiconnevering getting to sample the free buffet. A fish person in a Gorton fisherman raincoat shows up and gives him the necronomicon muttering how “he wasn’t alone” and then slips him some Long John Silver Coupons before disappearing into the night. Jethro figures out one of the zombie spells in the book reanimating his wife and kid but this time they’re squid face demon fish with glowing eyes. Distraught he throws himself off the balcony killing himself and thus ending what must have been a really long letter. Back in the present, Edward wants to revive his dead wife Clara too so he finds the Necronomicon hidden in the wall and performs the same ritual as his Uncle tried. Because if it don’t work right the first time, try ,try again. While resting in his bed Clara shows up later that night, creepy, drenched, and a little horny. she tries to do the nasty with him but then goes all sea demon monster on him so he cuts off her tentacles with a sword ending the worst date night ever. This ticks off a sea monster she was attached to which slowly crawls up from the basement just in time for Eddie to drop a chandler on it’s eyeball. And somewhere Aquaman sheds a tear.

After this little fish tale, we get stuck with a story about a reporter who’s investigating some unsolved murders near an apartment building. He meets a residents who tells him the story of Emily Osterman, an abused woman on the run from her slacker boyfriend or possibly that cop that played in Alien Nation. The old boyfriend shows up to smack her around some more and a pale mad scientist (David Warner) pushes him down some stairs and sucks his spinal fluid out like a milkshake. Turns out, Dr. Madden has been using hobo’s spinal fluid along with a bit of black magic from the Necronomicon to keep himself alive and kicking. The side affects are that he can’t go into the sun, talks with an accent and can’t eat real food, so obviously he’s turned British. The old doc does the nasty with Emily on the lab table and we finally witness the real “shocking horror” described on the back of the DVD cover. “my eyes! my eyes!!!”

Emily flees the next day from the house since the jealous and psychotic maid threatens to kill her. Months later Emily returns with news of her pregnancy from Dr. Madden whom she gets to see one last time before he melts into a big pile of melted goo from his lack of spinal Gatoraid. David Warner’s hair still stay perfect the whole time he’s melting, now that’s acting.

Necronomicon

The 3rd and final tale goes for the jugular when a police officer goes in search of her partner who was just kidnapped by a murder called “The Butcher.” She discovers a married couple living in a nearby warehouse who claim to know his location but the husband also claims his wife’s an alien so not sure she should really count on them as “reliable witnesses.” They trap the officer in a pit where she fends off a bunch of Mynocks from that cave in the Empire Strikes Back. One of the wombats sounds just like her missing partner’s voice which we know just can’t be because he just showed up as a gooey zombie right next to her. The classic “take my brain and put it a bat so my body can be a zombie” switcher-roo! She wakes up later in the hospital and that freaky couple are still there hanging around claiming to be her parents. This might make sense if the mom wasn’t missing her eyeballs and sporting a fetus tummy tucker. Yikes, yeah it gets weirder folks. Bone marrow sucking aliens, amputations and walking corpses make this the best of the 3 stories, or at least the goriest.

Barry Goodall says checkout Necronomicon: Book of Dead for some cheap thrills, but be sure to bring it back before the overdue fees kick in. Cuthulu knows where you live and he’s bringing sushi.

I can’t believe they haven’t made the necronomicon into an e-book yet.

roadside attractions

  • Hari Krishnas cotorntionist
  • extreme lip pulling facelifts
  • tentacle fu
  • jacuzzi morgue storage
  • melting faces
  • squid face family time
  • talking wombats
  • fish demon eye impalements
  • alien Amputations
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

You’re gonna need a mop

2

blood

BREASTS

Do squid breasts count?

8

beast

BEASTS

Cuthulu, squid people, fish faced mutants, wombats. This movie practically has scales.

8.7 OVERALL
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trailers

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