Amityville 3d

Made for TV’s Tony Roberts and Candy Clark are investigating fake seances when they uncover some paranormal tom foolery at the infamous Amittyville house. After exposing the scam artists, Tony buys the home cheap from the realtor who later gets his face eaten by flies and dies in his attic. That doesn’t seem to really shock anyone. Sure a haunted houses comes with a few demonic insect swarms but those bleeding walls mean you don’t have to decorate for halloween.

amityville 3dTony later uncovers a major plumbing problem in the basement with a uncapped drainage well that goes straight to hell. It keeps filling his house with demonic spirits but at least that will keep his heating costs low in the winter. Candy stops in later when Tony is away and gets blasted by some extreme ice mint flavor coming up from the basement and is found huddled freezing on the floor. She hightails it out of there only to be impaled by a plumber’s pipe and trapped in her own burning car. The worst case of freezer burn ever.

Thickheaded Tony is still not convinced his house is haunted despite just having a free ride on a demonic shake and bake elevator at work and invites his daughter Lori Loughlin to stop by. She brings four of her pals including a young Meg Ryan for a little demon house warming party. After flirting with Tony, Meg gets out the ouija board and gets the ghosts riled up enough to start breaking glassware. Or it’s could just be Meg’s insane levels of perkiness. It’s like holy water to evil spirits.

Tony’s ex-wife shows up later just as Lori gets killed in a boating accident returning as a drippy zombie that hides in her room. After seeing her daughters ghost, Tony’s ex convinces him to hire a rookie scientist and his crew to investigate but they all get sucked up into a vortex of evil by a fire breathing gillman from the basement’s hell pit. Tony and his wife escape just in time to watch the house explode in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics which somehow still leaves the front porch lights on. Its just too bad everyone else was already killed and had to miss the show. Barry Goodall says this movie could have used more of the 3B’s and less of the 3D but check it out if you got a hankerin’ for gratuitous objects thrust at you. “A FRISBEE!!! A BOOM MIC!!! SPITTLE! A FLASHLIGHT!!! OH THE HORROR!!!”

roadside attractions

  • Death by fly smothering
  • Ghost puppets
  • Face shish-kabob
  • Dry well entrances to hell
  • Demonic photoshopping
  • Car-side BBQ
  • Flame thrower death pit
  • Door smashing
  • Glowing orbe
  • Sail fish harpooning
  • Multiple exploding houses
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much blood but lots of people getting killed by flames.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…this must be that “family friendly horror” I hear the Disney folks talking about.

9

beast

BEASTS

flies and some weird demon gillman that lives in the basement. Another reason to make sure your kids move out when they’re 20.

4.5 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer for “Amityville 3D”

trailers

dripper