Blood Hook

Nothing quite like relaxing at the lake in your boat with your friends. That’s right; you, you’re friends and your Johnson… Anyone remember that? Anyone? Well anyway, it was all fun and games, until your pal (most likely nicknamed ‘Smitty’) drank one too many Milwaukee’s Best and then got snagged by a giant lure, dragged off the boat and murdered. Sound familiar? Then welcome to the world of Blood Hook, where someone has bigger fish to catch… like human!

After a traumatic scene of a boy watching his grandfather grip at his face and sink into the lake while disregarding the laws of science and sinking rather than floating (there’s your backstory, ladies and gents), we cut to seventeen years later as that boy, Peter (who delivers every line through a stuffy nose), his girlfriend Ann and a group of his friends are going to a cabin on the lake for some partying. Can’t say I’ve ever heard that plot before. I’m sure they will be fine and live full, healthy lives. But in all seriousness, they are there to do just more than party. This cabin use to be Peter’s grandfather’s and good ol’ salty Mr. Duerst has been keeping an eye on the place with the help of Evelyn (I didn’t know Evelyn was a man’s name), a porky Vietnam vet with post traumatic stress disorder. Just the kind of people you want hanging around on your property drinking cheap, watery American beer all day. Oh and let’s not forget about Mr. Leudke, who’s Bratwurst accent is so thick you would want to drizzle syrup all over it. It’s ripe for some MST3K style riffing…

bh_2The gang is in town just in time for Muskie Madness, a fishing competition to see who can catch the largest Muskie! Fishing competition? What is this, Wisconsin? Oh, it is. Families arrive for the festivities, like the unnamed dysfunctional family whose mother is obsessed with loons (the scene where she walks along the dock making loon noises is priceless). Anyway, Peter’s really annoying friend and music lover, Rodney, has been all over town irritating the locals and listening to the same song over and over… and over… and over. Get use to hearing that song, because it’s basically the only song you will hear the entire film. Finally, the movie can’t tolerate him anymore and decides he needs to die, sparing you and I another line of 80’s slang from his oily face. On a boat alone, he gets snagged by a foot long lure and dragged into the water never to be seen again. They find the boat the next day and Peter thinks he’s been murdered, probably because he was. But the Sheriff won’t hear about it since, “There ain’t been no murder in seventeen years!” The Sheriff can’t go screaming bloody murder and upsetting the 30,000 people there (the US’s entire Packers fan population) for Muski Madness, although you only see about 27 people at most and… really? 30,000 people show up in Middle-of-nowhere, Wisconsin for a fishing festival that only has a stage no larger than the back of a truck? Never mind that, Peter thinks it was Evelyn, due to him wanting to ‘blow things away’, but the chubby little schizo is innocent. But no more of that nonsense, the Sheriff has forms to fill out.

At the competition, we are introduced to Bev. She’s a single mom, obsessed with running and sit-ups and would fit in quite nicely with any ‘bro’ at Bally’s Total Fitness. I won’t go into her parenting skills, but let’s just say I wouldn’t trust her to watch paint dry. She crushes on Peter’s manic depressive friend Finner and she comments on his nice pole (fishing pole, you perv!). Inbetween all of the fishing, bad parenting and everything involving the Packers, you may have noticed that people are getting snagged by this killer lure when that song is playing. At first you may be thinking it was the only song they could afford, but they do manage to tie it in. It would seem our killer has a metal plate in his head, resonating all kinds of frequencies in his brain and making him go all Norman Bates. But let’s be real, after hearing that song a dozen times, even I wanted to kill someone. Peter discovers the identity of the killer after all of friends are already dead, but still may be able to save his girlfriend, so I guess you win some and you lose some. With the help of Evelyn (still can’t get over that) and Mr. Duerst, they set out to stop the madman and catch the largest Muskie Wisconsin could ever dream of. Now that’s a big Muskie.

bh_2It’s a unique little slasher film, substituting a fishing lure for a butcher knife. You get the feel that this film was written and directed by Wisconsin natives and are well aware off all of their oddball stereotypes and decided to have fun with it, without making it an obvious spoof. It does take itself semi-serious, especially in the final act. What it lacks in guts (literally, not a whole lot of gore), it makes up in heart and director Jim Mallon shows it… Wait a second. Fishing, Wisconsin, Jim Mallon… this is all beginning to add up. That’s right! Mystery Science Theater 3000 director Jim Mallon directed this film. And to add some more shock on top of that, Kevin Murphy, voice of Tom Servo, was a key grip. My mind… is… imploding right now. When watching Blood Hook, you can’t but help think how perfect of an MST3K episode this would have made. Now it all makes sense. So catch Muskie fever and watch this and if you feel up to it, tape a couple silhouettes in the bottom right corner of your TV.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Muskie Madness is bigger than Woodstock.
  • Good luck getting that song out of your head.
  • Master ‘baiter’!
  • Unlucky lure.
  • The sparrow song of the Loon Lady.
  • ‘Ears’ looking at you, kid!
  • Characters have slightly more dignity than those in Hobgoblins.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Tame amounts of blood, severed ear and corpses all strung together. Consider this ‘Troma-Light’.

3

blood

BREASTS

Ann shows off fan favorite ‘side-boob’.

7

beast

BEASTS

I’d rather deal with the killer than Evelyn any day.

5 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the entire movie!”

trailers

dripper