Comments Off on Ghost Shark: A guest review by Deadman
Shark movies are a dime a dozen. Even more common than shark movies are bad shark movies, lke this little SyFy-produced gem aptly named Ghost Shark. Boy, are we in for a whopper: a fisherman’s tale so hard to believe Bruce from Jaws is rolling in his grave. We start the movie with three extras turned plot devices and all the cursing a major network can allow. It sounds more like the would-be conversation of a couple of tweens who just learned their first swear words. And these three salty folks are on a chartered ship trying to catch a fish to win a contest that has not been mentioned, or ever gets mentioned, in the entire movie. Plot device,ho! The female aboard the ship has a tiny handy-cam which she’s filming the entire venture with, giving us our first “That’s gonna come back later” moment. Upon hooking what we’re lead to believe is an award-winning fish, for the contest that is never again brought up, we have apparently a great white shark that comes and not only eats the fish on the line but spits the stripped carcass back onto the chartered boat. Take a minute to let that ‘Tom & Jerry’ moment sink in. Got it? Okay. Let’s continue.
In a “murderous rage,” and I use quotation marks because the actor has the emotional range of a highway billboard sign, Redneck Fisherman #1 starts to shoot at the shark. It gets better. After shooting the shark with a .357 revolver, he gets all Daryl Dixon and uses a crossbow. Don’t finish that sigh, yet. Following the eight bullets fired from the six shooter, and the crossbow bolt to the face, the guy adds insult to injury by pouring hot sauce on the shark. Now you can imagine that all this was some grand chase or some kind of pursuit or multiple sessions of the shark surfacing, but this all happens at the back of the boat and the shark stays to take it all. The final straw to this attack is when the couple on the back of the boat throw a stick ofdynamite into the shark’s open mouth, which proceeds to explode, but doesn’t kill the shark. That’s right, a stick of dynamite, in the mouth of the shark, and that DOES NOT kill it. Whilst the drunken fishermen celebrate their victory over the hungry predator, the shark that we now know is destined to be the title character, swims to a cave to die when the walls glow with symbols that were probably drawn by the producer’s infant son. A bad CGI shark dies and floats to the depths of the ocean.
Already tough to swallow? We’ve only gotten past the first scene, folks. The shark that went to die in the glowing cave, by the way, that never gets explained, comes back as a see-throughblue predator of the deep that can now leap over tall boats with a single splash, bite peoplein half like they’re made of Wonderbread, and the ability to….Oops. Spoilers. Remember that previously mentioned handy-cam? Yeah. We get the set-up for the first half of the movie from the supposed footage from that thing. Enter the rest of the cast! Teenagers galore and bikinis (although very old styled) abound and not a single person outside of the main characters are on the beach! No, really, stock footage is used to establish a busy beach and then real footage takes over and it seems these kids are the only occupants. Now begins all the worst shark attacks that man can muster and paste to film. First shark attack is a teenage girl, bitten in half, off the top of a Jet Ski. Ghost sharks can leap. The chartered boat shows up with “blood all over the deck” (in reality it’s just a bloody hat) at the same time, thus leading the Scooby Doo gang to put together the shark-killed folks. Yeah, I know. But at some points it really does play out like a cartoon.
Begin the great investigation! And I meant the Scooby Doo reference. Almost every adult in this movie is simply unwilling to budge on any point made, even when they witness the shark comeout of a man’s body, splitting him in twain, just a few feet away from them. Yes, folks, that’s the Ghost Shark’s super power! The edge that makes it the most dangerous CG critter this side of Starship Troopers is that it can “haunt” any standing or running water around the town! Kids are devoured going down a slip and slide, modeled like a shark, of course, cheerleaders are chomped on during a summer car wash, and the aforementioned man split in two met his fate at the hands of the office water cooler. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the horror! Oh, my glob! It doesn’t make this movie ANY BETTER! Almost everyone that meets up with the apparition is guaranteed certain death, except the main characters, of course. The sister of the main female protagonist gets mauled in her bathtub, only resulting in a badly applied make-up effect of a bad cut. So I’ve gone through some of the attacks, leaving out the pool party attack where a severed head ends up impaled on a champagne bottle, but there is one thing we haven’t covered: actors. All these players are no-name actors except for Richard Moll. That’s right, Bull fromNight Court ended up on a SyFy shark movie.
So now that we’ve gotten the meat of the movie out of the way, let’s discuss how they “kill”the Ghost Shark. Call the Ghostbusters? No. Perform some voodoo ritual? No. Sing a song and show it that only true love can prosper? No. After a false ending of stabbing the shark with the bolt from the crossbow above and it exploding like an incorporeal pinata, the only way to kill the shark is the way they’d been discussing for the last 20 minutes in the movie: blow up that glowing cave! (Fake CGI shark cadaver included). But what’s this? Lo, those who could only see THIS plot twist coming, will have called it and knew its arrival. It starts raining! More specifically, IT STARTS RAINING GHOST SHARKS! Goodbye, Richard Moll, you will not be missed. But this is a SyFy movie. They blow up the cave and the whole town is saved. For the credits, the last survivors go for a swim in the now safe ocean, somehow forgetting their father, friends, lovers, county officials, and someone’s dog, are all dead. You can breathe now, folks. It’s over. If you think reading it was hard, try watching it!
Blood: 7 – less than a hanful of good gore spouts.
Breasts: 5 – It’s a SyFy feature
Beasts: 3 = less than convincing and sadly…Sad
Deadman is a published writer, YouTube reviewer of video games, movies and the like. Also a zombie survivalist who has a series to help those get through Z-Day. A lover of all things horror and B-Flick. Born and raised in El Paso, Texas. An artist, gamer, and father. He games as often as possible and when he’s not gaming he’s creating some literary work. Weird sense of humor, but always willing to make fun of himself, too. Another interesting note is that he is blamed by friends and family to be responsible for the zombie apocalypse; being evil isn’t easy these days.
Deadman is his second name, the first one has been stricken from history. Ask him anything
and he’ll probably have an answer.