Tagline: The Ultimate Team Of Woman And Machine.

Year: 1987 Runtime: 89 min

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Paul Garson (screenplay) & T.L. Lankford (additional material)

Starring: Heather Thomas, Jeffrey Combs, Ashley Ferrare

What does Airwolf, Blue Thunder, KITT, Ecto-One, Firefox, Streethawk, and the Highwayman semi’s  have in common? They are all over-the-top 80’s vehicles that graced our screens (big or small). As a little boy my heart skipped a beat when we saw them. All I ever wanted—EVAR—was to be the coolest person ever and own one. Having a cool ride was one thing, and I had my eye on a few of those too, but having a super military vehicle was the bee’s patellas!

As you can tell from that last sentence there was never any hope for me, regardless of what I rode around in.

Cyclone is another, less well known, motorcycle belonging to that illustrious bunch of mean machines. With a price tag of $5 million, Cyclone is 5/6th of a Steve Austin. Yet, because it was designed by Dr. Herbert West, I mean Dr. Jeffery Combs… erhm, no, I… Dr. Rick Davenport. Yeah, that’s it. Because it was designed by Dr. Rick Davenport it’s 6/5th a Steve Austin, and a bag of chips! Here’s a quick breakdown of Cyclone’s assets:

  • twin laser gun helmet with H.U.D.
  • turbo charged with nos injection (putting out 400+ hp)
  • armor plating
  • stealth paint that’s been “jazzed up”
  • fire power equal to an F-16
  • powered by The Transformer

The most important development is The Transformer. A dry erase board eraser fuel cell. Sucks hydrogen out of the atmosphere and converts it into “energy.” Neato!

Thing is, Davenport is a bit of an eccentric. He agreed to design and build Cyclone, but he had to do so in secret. The closer Davenport got to finishing the bike the more he was worried that he couldn’t trust “The Agency.” And he was right. The very night he finishes Cyclone he goes out dancing at the hot metal club with his girl and gets an icepick in the back of his head for his troubles.

He didn’t deserve such a fate for designing Cyclone, but he was asking for a beat down by getting on the dance floor. First off, one doesn’t “dance” to metal, one headbangs, or moshes, or in a pinch knifes whomever happens to be standing in the general area.  Everyone there was awkwardly metal dancing, think Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-air, so when in Rome, right? It was so offensive my eyes bled, but then came the insult. He exclaims gayly, “All right!” and “Yeah!” as he is Rick Ashleying. For that, the ice pick was poetic justice.

When Davenport dies “The Agency” sends some of it’s operatives to get Cyclone from his girlfriend, Teri Marshall, i.e. The Fall Guy’s Jody Banks. For no reason she’s skeptical of the agents and feigns ignorance of Davenport’s activities. When she goes back home she heads straight for the secret lab where she trips a hidden message from Davenport. He tells her if she’s hearing this message something bad’s happened and blah, blah, blah. He gives her a complete rundown on Cyclone, including who she can deliver it to if she should accept the mission. She decides she’ll honor his memory and make sure Cyclone gets to the right people, or whatever.

One quick note: It was her handprint which set off the message. Thing is, the only thing she touched was his drafting table. That means the whole thing was a big touch sensor. Considering this was the late 80’s I think someone might have skimmed a good chunk of that $5 million for the drafting table. Who knows what other goodies he had in there.

Speaking of, Davenport’s lab is the least obfuscated in the history of secret labs. It’s hidden behind the fire place in his living room, which isn’t a bad idea in and of itself. It’s the implementation where things fall apart. With the molding around the door, and the decorative molding on the walls, the sliding fire place had to stick out noticeably. And that’s turning a blind eye to the fireplace itself which was only about a foot deep. A neon sign reading “Secret Lab Back Here” would be as inconspicuous.

Then the movie introduces the bad guys. To say they are a bunch of Key Stone Mongoloids would be giving them undue intelligence points. For such an important weapon, and more important fuel source, “The Agency” sends two idiots to stake out the house. They promptly fall asleep. Yep. Out cold. They are awakened when Cyclone takes off out back. They go right back to sleep.

And that’s not the worst of it.

To fully appreciate this enematic experience, I have to back up a bit. What booger eater would give $5 million to some schmuck and not know where he was working, how it was going, or anything for that matter? This is $5 million in 80’s dollars. That’s like $200 trillion now. Secondly, no one thought that MAYBE his secret lab was in his house since he NEVER leaves to go to work? Furthermore, no one is sent out to check until AFTER Davenport is dead? There were plenty of opportunities to drop by. And yet when they do go in they completely miss the obvious hidden passageway to the lab? I have a hemorrhoid that’s smarter than these morons. Anyone this stupid deserves to loose their money and get a swift kick in the ding-ding.

And there’s more.

When the cretins finally discover the lab, and more importantly the missing Cyclone, the main bad guy and his partner give chase. What do they bring to catch a super turbo-charged, 400 horsepower motorcycle? An Oldsmobile station wagon. Sigh. Thing is, the Oldsmobile station wagon actually kept up with Cyclone. I was so angry at this point that I broke my TV trying to pick a fight with the movie.

“The Ultimate Team Of Woman And Machine,” huh? If that’s the case, Cyclone is a technological failure worse than healthcare.gov. (Or that pathetic attempt at political satire.)

To save what little color I have left in my hair I’ll cut to the penultimate atrocity and be done with it. After being caught, escaping, and a fantastic final fight scene where Teri gets to use Cyclone’s cool weapons, Teri just walks away. There are dead people, cars are on fire, and the police are casually looking around at the carnage. No one stops her, asks her questions, nothing. She just walks away. As she left she pocketed The Transformer. Remember, The Transformer is the solution to the world’s fuel needs. It can convert hydrogen in the atmosphere into “energy.” What does Teri do with it? She throws it in a pool of dirty water in the gutter, destroying it.

Good jorb, Teri. Way to honor Davenport. He’s in his own special Hell, and is suffering is legendary.

roadside attractions

  • Marvel at Cyclone, a motorcycle so advanced Davenport has to wear rubber surgical gloves to work on it!
  • Freak Out by how cool the Cyclone sounds—a jet engine played through a flanger!
  • Envy the Cyclone’s ultimate piece of super military tech: a knife with brass knuckles!
  • Be Moved the Rent-a-Center In the Air Tonight song, Riding on the Edge of Night!
  • Throw Up your devil horns \m/ and bang your head to Devil Metal! (You don’t have to wait, check out the video below.)
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

There’s enough blood to warrant a bucket and mop, and some of it in inexplicable places.

2

blood

BREASTS

Only breasts in the movie are in the background in the gym locker room scene.

5

beast

BEASTS

No beasts, but this kind of movie is all about the cool vehicle, and Cyclone is no Streethawk.

4.666 OVERALL
dripper

Bang Your Head! Bang Your Head! Bang Your Head!(Devil Metal):

trailers

dripper