Hello, again, folks! Let’s get into yet another installment of the Megaladon series that has plagued the airways for years. You know, cause there’s fans just hammering SyFy inboxes for another. Let’s see if we got all the proper ingredients for a movie that makes as much sense as going into the woods. TV stars searching for a paycheck? Yup. Props left over from the previous twelve SyFy movies? Can’t miss them. CGI that makes Jurassic Park look photorealistic? Oh yeah. Now we can begin.

So this little romp takes place, according to the movie, several places all over the world. Truth be told it’s just Google maps zoomed in on with some text over laid. I’m fairly certain you can see the watermark during at least one scene. Well, now that global warming has began melting the ice caps another Megaladon escapes it’s icy prison! Okay who let Al Gore pen this? And on top of that; how many of these sharks are frozen in these places? Did they have a shark convention in the arctic circle and were caught off guard by a sudden freeze?

Well after said 200 foot shark is released we’re greeted by an Angel and Stargate alumni to come and combat the situation with their version of a cliché voice activated semi-intelligent electronic butler and, you guessed it, a Mecha shark. Another 200 foot monstrosity made of materials that couldn’t possibly hold up to a normal shark’s bite, but is supposed to be strong enough to take on the great grandaddy of Bruce from Jaws. Science, folks!

After determining that this does, indeed, take place in both San Francisco AND Australia, by hiring actors who can sorta fake the accents, we get to the problem and how to solve it. Yes, even after everything has already been set up, they still feel the need to explain more. Shark attacks, ho! We have to make it the villain, don’t we?

After the same fleet that was in Bermuda Tentacles attempts to take on the Megaladon with no avail they deploy the Mecha shark, which also happens to contain the same cockpit as the one in the aforementioned movie. No, really, do a side by side comparison for a good laugh. Now if all that wasn’t silly enough for you get ready for the combat portion of the movie! They fire torpedoes, the shark dodges, wash, rinse, repeat. I want to know how a creature from thousands of years ago knows how, and why, to dodge underwater missiles.

More Google mapping and zooming! The villain in the movie apparently has apparently been causing all sorts of trouble, including an oil spill that is fixed by the Mecha ramming the pipe closed. That’s an actual scene, folks. Phone calls from a lady, who’s role or why she’s so important to the story is never explained, guide our team to figure out that the Megaladon is actually a bull trying to mate. A point which is hammered home with PG vulgarity that is almost comical to hear.

I wonder if the actor read these lines prior to filming or if he was just surprised with the script the morning of shooting? But that’s not the biggest of their issues, no! It seems we have a problem with the Mechashark malfunctioning and seeing everyone as a potential threat. And here I thought the three laws of robotics were keeping us safe.

Yes, it seems our Stargate alumni has managed to beach the malfunctioning machine in the heart of San Francisco. How does an artificial intelligence deal with that? Easily! It grows tank tracks covered in spikes! It proceeds to terrify a very empty city and a few extras who don’t seem to take their role seriously at all, and it all ends up in it chasing a small girl. You know, cause bad guy. But don’t worry, our ex-Angel star dives into the machine to divert it and lead it back to the sea. Another phone call from mysterious shark lady gives the military the idea to pit the Mecha and the Megaladon against one another. Because it worked so well the last time. Let’s head into the final scenes, folks.

I won’t write any spoilers, but the finally of this movie is just as silly as the rest of it. The directing is as funny as the rest of it, with low swooping shots, slow motion shots and attempts at dramatic angles that it’s easy to see that the person took their job seriously. The actors deliver their lines like they never rehearsed or did a read through, except maybe the morning of shooting while crying in their coffee. And the special effects and gore range from spilled ketchup to attempted dramatic deaths, one in particular which I didn’t understand, at all.

Don’t fret, folks, as long as Netflix still needs things to show, as long as critics need something to groan and yell at, as long as there is cheap CGI, SyFy will be there. Thanks for reading, folks. And, as always, stay tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Roaring Shark
  • Best Bluetooths Ever
  • Electronic Butler 2.0
  • No, Really, Why Did He Die?
  • Wrong Accent
  • Running Joke Attempt
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

3 – TV Friendly Fodder

2

blood

BREASTS

0 – I think maybe there was a bikini somewhere

9

beast

BEASTS

Recycling is good for the environment

4.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Mecha Shark Vs Mega Shark”

trailers

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