Ermahgerd I Are Died

Indonesia: home of Sumatra coffee, the Komodo Dragon, and Ratno Timoer, the man responsible for unleashing The Devil’s Sword upon the world. The first two Indonesians are proud to claim, the latter, eh… maybe not so much. See, The Devil’s Sword is a sword and sorcery film where the action is feet slapping, the special effects are blurry and cheap, and a man’s hair is business in the front and party in the back (see the trailer below). The Devil’s Sword is such an awesomely bad film that it was begging for a Lost Highway Walk Thru, and if that’s not grounds for disowning a person I don’t know what is. I mean, that trailer is insane, right?

If you didn’t just watch it, do so now. Seriously.

Now that you have an inkling what you’re in for, let’s get started.

Laser PalmsIn the beginning the sun sets somewhere in space, Master Grandpa sits zazen in his rock garden, and a blue meteorite hurtles through the void as meteorites are wont to do.

Master Grandpa is so good at meditating, or so relaxed from the dollar sake bombs at Sushi Sushi Sushi, that he does not notice the blue meteorite as it buzzes past. The resulting explosion does, however, break his concentration, or nap, or whatever it is he is doing in the garden.

Annoyed the blue meteorite has ruined his mellow and destroyed his garden, Master Grandpa collects the damnable thing and lugs it home. There he sets the space rock on fire and forges the burning mess into The Devil’s Sword.

As he pulls the mighty weapon from the fire the blade sparkles with the glory of a thousand gay pride parades. Yet surprisingly the red hot metal does not burn his fingers as he caresses its length. Perturbed, hungover, and likely dehydrated from the events of the evening, Master Grandpa snaps. In his rampage he destroys his hut in a pity party worthy of the most spoiled of sweet 16 birthday monsters, or the Hulk, whichever is statistically more devastating at this point in time.

That confusing mess out of the way, the movie cuts to a scene of a celebration, or rite-of-passage, or something. There are barely clothed villagers decked out in extravagant head dresses carrying lots and lots of palm frowns laden with fruit. As it turns out, it is Sacrifice Day. On Sacrifice Day a young man is offered to the “invisible” Crocodile Queen of the river. The ritual involves throwing the boy into the river where he is met by a group Crocodile Mans—Crocodile Queens half-man, half-crocodile, half man-bear-pig minions—who escort him to the Crocodile Queen’s Lair.

In other words, whichever young idiot The Village is most fed up with is sent to a horrible end. The old ways really are the best ways.

Cut to the Crocodile Queen’s lair. There is some groovy reversed film footage where the Crocodile Queen’s sash floats up and out of the water. Then, a minute later, she and her wenches follow.

Note: Invisible apparently means the exact opposite in Indonesia what it means in English because she is quite visible.

Anyhow, The Crocodile Queen’s sacrificial young stud is not put to death, rather, he is used for his youthful wiles. And not just him, all the previous “sacrifices” join in. You see, Crocodile Queen is a whore and she needs to get her ménage à many on.

Back at The Village, the villagers move on to the Festival of Lurv. There’s no sense in wasting the decorations, fire breather, and fruit from Sacrifice Day, right? The Festival of Lurv is the sanctified version of Sacrifice Day. At the center is the lovely couple Princess Peter the Pure and Sanjala the Son-in-Law who are getting married. Boy is it a sight to see! The Sword Swinger is swinging his sword. The Justice of the Peace is lighting joss sticks and shimmying rhythmically in the smoke. Everyone is happy.

Everyone but Crocodile Queen.

Ride RocksDespite getting her sacrifice only minutes earlier, Crocodile Queen is not amused. She cannot stand seeing someone else have their nuptials. So she summons Bob to stop the wedding, as only he is capable of such a task. And by that she means only he has the special parkour skill of kicking a boulder and then riding it into town, not his fighting skills. No fighting skills are needed to take The Village. Gandhi, after a month long fast, could take The Village, the villagers are such wimps. They go down faster than a crackhead working for a fix.

The only person in The Village who can hold her own is Princess Peter. She uses her impressive looking, but ultimately worthless, Umbrella Attack. She twirls the umbrella in Bob’s direction, who is blown back by the force of the wind it generates. She then throws the umbrella at him, missing by a mile. Weaponless and spent, she gets her butt handed to her.

The screaming villagers flee like extras in Godzilla films. Conveniently Mandella the Lesser (note the double L, not Mandela, the former President of South Africa), the hero, happens to be out on his afternoon horsey ride. Intrigued by all the commotion, Mandella investigates. Understandably he is disappointed to find it is only Bob attacking the village and not a giant Kaiju.

In a twist straight out of the standard playbook, it turns out that Bob and Mandella were Kung Fu students under the same master, Master. Bob is the evil one (duh!). Mandella is the good one (duher!). What’s more, Bob is not intrinsically evil, he only turned evil because Master loved Mandella best.

Bob’s no match for Mandella (duhest!), so he conjures up some Crocodile Mans to fight for him. They distract Mandella by throwing special reptile hair on him, tangling him up. Mandella is out of action just long enough for Bob to pimp slap Sanjala the Son-in-Law out cold and hop away with him. Literally he hops away.

Note: Hopping is the Indonesian equivalent of tea-bagging your opponent. Get thee to a burn unit, Mandella!

Bob delivers Sanjala the Son-in-Law to the Crocodlie Queen who partakes of Sanjala the Son-in-Law’s endowments, such as they are.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

Meanwhile, Master is crawling around on the ground outside his hut, bloody and broken. He calls telepathically to Mandella for help. Hearing Master’s call, Mandella races home. When he arrives he finds Master unconscious in a pool of his own blood. Deeply concerned for Master’s well being, Mandella proceeds to shake and sling him around like a rented, red-haired step-child. When Master tells Mandella he is dying from Poison of the Red Snake, which is really bad since it has a proper name, Mandella tosses him on the bamboo bed and makes a Taco Bell run.

In the Crocodile Lair, Crocodile Queen is getting some Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums in the fire pit. Her lurvin’ may be hot but no one gets burned.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

In Random Forest, Mandella gets the explosive mushroom to make tea for Master. Mandella is either trying to give Master a free life or give him one last trip before he dies. Considering that he plans to cut off Master’s legs to stop the poison from spreading, either, or more likely both, are the case. I write cut, but that’s not entirely correct. Mandella uses a hot sword to SAW off Master’s legs just below the knees. Then, as Master is shrieking in agony, Mandella scoops him up in a loving embrace determined to cuddle him back to health.

In a tender voice Master whimpers, “Mandella. Kill. Me.”

Unified Legion of EvilCut to later that evening and Master is all better now. Master recounts, i.e.has a flashback fight scene, to show what happened. In it we learn that all the evil warriors of the world, all four of them, have decided to fight together as the United Legion of All the Evil Warriors of the World.

Master tells Mandella the only way to defeat The ULAEWW is to get The Devil’s Sword from Devil’s Mountain. Also, he returns the terrible refrigerator art Mandella painted back in Kindergarten. Master is an old, legless cripple, and as such no longer has the will to pretend he values garbage. Plus he has never had, nor ever will have, a fridge to put it on anyway.

With a tear in his eye, Mandella heads off to Devil’s Mountain.

Mandella runs into Princess Peter along the way. The Village destroyed and all the villagers killed, she wants to go with Mandella. Unfortunately, Princess Peter is a woman and therefore not worthy of such exploits as Mandella has in front of him. Princess Peter does not take no for an answer. She does have to take being left in the dust as an answer because, on foot, she’s no match for Mandella on horseback. Or is she? A quick jump cut and Princess Peter’s not only caught up, but far enough ahead to cut Mandella off. Reluctantly, and because it’s in the script, he lets her join.

In the Crocodile Lair, Crocodile Queen uses her Bird Bath God Cam to track Mandella and Princess Peter. She realizes they are headed to the Mountain of Swords (previously Devil’s Mountain—whatever, it’s not like anyone is paying attention at this point). Crocodile Queen sends Bob to stop them, with her blessings. By blessings I mean they have the sexuals.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

In a stalling tactic to draw out runtime, Mandala and Princess Peter cannot get across the lake to the Mountain of Swords. The lake is, like, 200 feet across. So they stand there looking stupid until a ferry comes. The ferry’s pilot is a Rent-a-center Charon, which explains why they could not just swim, or walk, around the perimeter. Namely, Charon is production value.

Halfway across Lake Certain Death, Crocodile Mans attack. There is more groovy reverse footage action of the Crocodile Mans jumping onto the ferry. A lame fight ensues and even Charon gets in on the action. He uses a bamboo spear to impale a Crocodile Mans, which is interesting because the ferry has NOTHING on it. So where did he get the spear? The raft itself is made of bamboo suggesting he pulled one of the rods off, carved it to a point, and threw it into the Crocodile Mans. Yet there was not enough time for him to do so, no knife for him to use, nor are there any missing bamboo planks. Eh, whatever.

EwWhile Princess Peter, Mandella, and Charon are fighting Crocodile Mans, The ULAEWW take the quick root, i.e. walked around Lake Certain Death. At the mouth of the Devil’s Mountain of Swords the fraternity disintegrates. They decide to have a final battle to see who’s going to get The Devil’s Sword.

Aw! I was so proud of them working together. Oh, well.

Boom, bip, pow! Flying Guillotine is out first. Snake Man and Old Hag team up against Bob. Or, at least, that is what Snake Man believes. Actually, Old Hag is playing Snake Man. As they form up, i.e. as Old Hag jumps on Snake Man’s shoulders, instead of becoming Voltron, Old Hag becomes Betraytron. She whips Snake Man in the face and Bob slices open his gut. And so Snake Man, like Monica Lewinsky, goes down crying.

Now the real alliance is revealed. Old Hag and Bob are going to share the Devil’s Sword. They start off into the cave. Being the first-class gentleman he is, Bob allows Old Hag to enter the cavern first. In a move Helen Keller saw coming way back in 1900, after only two steps Bob cuts Old Hag in half.

Old Hag is no fool, but more importantly, as Betraytron, she is able to join back up with any severed part. So her torso jumps back onto her legs and she continues to fight. Ultimately she is no match for Bob. Bob chops off her head and kicks a rock after it, pinning it into a crevice in the mountain face. Old Hag’s body jumps to rejoin with the severed head and in doing so she blows up. Don’t ask.

Moving on…

Bob scales the mountain face just as Mandella and Princess Peter show up. Mandella heads in to get the sword, while Bob lies in wait a la Beloc in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Death Mountain Sword Place, or whatever the hell it’s called at this point, is full of silly booby traps, bubbling water, and a cyclops Rock Monster. Mandella dispatches them all easily. He finds the Devil’s Sword and some other something wrapped in a black cloth lying randomly on the ground. Naturally, as he picks them up the mountain starts to collapse.

Cut to outside where Bob is waiting. He is holding a sword to Princess Peter’s neck. He threatens to kill Princess Peter unless Mandella gives him The Devil’s Sword, blah, blah, blah. They fight.

Pow! Whap! Smack! Bob is sent back to Crocodile Queen with his tail between his legs.

Because Bob failed to get The Devil’s Sword, Crocodile Queen has her crocodile statue use its Fire Laser Breath attack on Bob, which misses completely. It does startle Bob, so there’s that. Crocodile Queen’s top henchman, Staff Guy, attacks Bob, confusing him temporarily. Between the startling and confusion, Bob is weakened to the point where Crocodile Queen can use her Unusually Long Scarf Attack. First she uses the scarf to choke him. Then she wraps him up and throws him into the Lurv Fire Pit. Since there’s no blessing, i.e. Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums, Bob burns to death.

Poor Bob.

Mandella and Princess Peter enter. Crocodile Queen flaunts her control of Sanjala the Son-in-Law which sends Princess Peter into a rage. Their forces divided, Princess Peter is easily captured and Mandella succumbs to Crocodile Queen’s Mesmerskank-Stare attack. With Mandella under her spell, she unleashes the Croco-Orgy! Croco-Orgy is less erotic and more a group grand mal seizure.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

Princess Peter cannot partake. She’s locked in stocks and tied to the wall. She can only watch and pout. Actually, from the looks of the Croco-Orgy, she got the better end of the deal.

Toilet PaperElsewhere, Master Grandpa is out for his evening float. He stops over at Master’s shack. Master Grandpa informs Master that Mandella is in a most dire circumstance. That is, caught in Crocodile Queen’s Croco-Orgy with no prophylactics.

Crocodile Queen is a filthy whore.

Master knows he has to do something to help Mandala but does not know what he can do. Inwardly Master laments, “How in the hell am I supposed to help Mandella? I ain’t got no legs, man!” But before he opens his mouth and puts his stump in it he remembers his telepathic earring.

The power of the glowing earring proves to be a worthy cockblocking device, effectively ending Mandella’s good time. Mandella finished early so, whatever.

Time for the final fight.

For some reason Mandella fights the thugs hand-to-hand. It is only after fighting Staff Mans for a few minutes that Mandella remembers, “The Devil’s Sword.”

Why did he go through all the trouble of getting The Devil’s Sword? Eh, never mind.

In the course of rest of the fight with Staff Mans, Mandella accidentally gut slices the crocodile statue, which hurts Crocodile Queen. Finally, her weakness exposed! Mandella stabs the crocodile statue in the throat, which causes it to explode. Without the power of the crocodile statue to tie the lair together, Crocodile Queen reverts into the ancient hag she really is. Mortally weakened Mandella gives her a right good gut chop, causing her to turn into a crocodile, her TRUE form.

So EvilWithout the Crocodile Queen the lair blows up.

The End.

Unfortunately, no, it didn’t blow up with Mandella, Princess Peter, and Sanjala the Son-in-Law in it. They made it out fine. There’s a goodbye scene before “The End” flashes on the screen. But if you stop the movie right as the lair explodes The Devil’s Sword closes with a happy ending.

roadside attractions

  • MARVEL! at Old Hag’s toothless mouth close-ups which reveal the poor sharpie skills of the make-up effects artists!
  • SEE! things moving backwards but going forwards!
  • ENDURE!  scenes of Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums worthy of libido killing Sexual Education films from the 1950s!
  • WITNESS! Kung Fu fighting that’s fierce as a slug reading brail!
  • BEHOLD! something as things happen, or not!
totals

10 blood  

BLOOD

Lots of Louisana Hot Sauce was  spilled to make this movie, plus some other stuff that is best left unknown.

0 blood  

BREASTS

None. There is the Croco-Orgy (but that should drop this into the negative numbers). 

 

10 beast  

BEASTS

The United Legion of All the Evil Warriors of the World, Crocodile Mans, and the Cyclops Rock Monster.

 

OVERALL 6.66
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Watch the trailer for “The Devil’s Sword”

trailers

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