Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Fourth Slay of Xmas: Elves

Never take Grandpa’s old German books. Nothing good can ever come from old German books. We all know the ANY story with old German stuff necessarily involves Nazis. Duh! Things get worse when you’re a young teenage girl of the blond hair, blue eye, master race variety (as are most ingenue in horror films). Take Kirsten, this is exactly the path she takes and ends up forming the idiotic cult Sisters of Anti-Xmas. She and her two friends pray to the virgin of Anti-Xmas in a woodland ritual which includes complaining about it being cold, and dirty, and ugh, yuck!

In the end her friends all die, as does her family, and she’s left with Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty. Books, especially old German ones, are bad. Burn ‘em!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Fifth Slay of Xmas: To All a Goodnight

Watch the trailer for “Elves”