Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Fifth Slay of Xmas: To All a GoodNight

Orphanages are bad, but that’s because the nuns running them are horrible demons sent from hell to torment the children. Girl’s finishing school are even worse, but that’s because the hell spawn are the girls living there. Self-centered and backstabbing, their only concern is to drug the den mother so they can have their boyfriends over for sex and drugs.

They all deserve to die.

Well, in the harsh reality of the horror movies they do. In real life their just misunderstood delicate little snowflakes. So, parents, if you want to spare your little angel be sure to look into the boarding house and the den mother. If you find either of the following do not leave your daughter over Xmas break, she will end up a holiday statistic, done in by a psychotic Santa:

  • The den mother lost her sweet baby girl because of the whoring sluts she lived with.
  • The den mother is married to a police officer who is in charge of investigating homicides.

If both are true then you might consider a different school. Who knows what other nut jobs this place has hired. Better to be safe than sorry.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Sixth Slay of Xmas: Santa’s Slay

Watch “To All a Goodnight”