Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Twelfth Slay of Xmas: A Christmas Horror Story

We’re finishing strong. A Christmas Horror Story an anthology with five stories so it’s a five-fer!

First: If you’re a teen fight all your natural urges. Lock yourself in a room and pray to Jesus until you’re an adult. Otherwise you’ll break into your school to film a documentary, or have the sexuals, or just be an insufferable jerk, and rightfully be murdered horribly. Or, worse yet, end up pregnant, a fate far worse than death, no matter how gruesome.

Second: Never trespass on someone’s property to steal a Xmas tree. There is good chance that the property is infested with evil, shapeshifting trolls that will kidnap your child and take his/her place. Once in your home the troll will wreck shop and kill everyone in its path. Just pay for a tree. They’re not that expensive.

Third: Don’t be a self-centered jerk family. Evil doesn’t really need a reason to destroy you, but it sure does make things easy when you’ve got the bastard equivalent of a neon sign pointing you out. When your whole family has said signs just kiss your butt goodbye. In other words, be good for goodness sake!

Forth: If Santa’s elves start acting crazy, like chopping into their own hand when offered a cookie, put those little monsters down. This is a sign of the elvish zombie infection and just like regular zombie infection, nothing good can ever come from a zombie outbreak. Aim for the head. Double tap.

SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen A Christmas Horror Story yet stop reading and go watch the movie. There be spoilers ahead.

Fifth: If that last bit of advice seemed unrealistic, it was. Sort of. See, sometimes the infection isn’t “out there” in the world so much as it is inside one’s head. Sometimes life is a big M. Night Shymalan twist and what we thought were zombie elves are really just normal people, dressed in elf costumes, working crappy jobs at the local mall. Sometimes the truth is a regular guy, dressed as Santa, has flipped his lid and gone on a killing spree. So, before you’re all in on a sweet zombie stomping maybe take a moment to pinch yourself lest you later discover you’re not Santa, the elves are not zombies, and the light blinding you is headlights from the SWAT team about to take you out.

 

And there you have it: twelve days, twelve practical pieces of advice to help you navigate this crazy world, cherry picked from the treasure trove of therapeutic psychology that is b-movies and delivered by your friends at The Lost Highway. We hope you had a safe and happy Xmas and wish you all the best for the coming year.

Watch the trailer for “A Christmas Horror Story”

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