• Always check the back seat of the car you’re about to get away in. Maniacs are such back seat drivers.
  • You can still fight evil with a missing leg or arm. Simply replace lost appendage with chainsaw or machine gun.
  • Bad guys are clumsy bad shoots. If you’re the hero, simply shoot in their general direction and you’ll kill them all.
  • Never buy toys that walk & talk. They’ll inevitably become possessed by demons or already are…Tickle Me Evil.
  • Taking on evil? Then stock up on your holy ammo: crosses, bibles, rosary beads, holy water (supersoaker gun optional)
  • Surrounded by zombies? smear your clothes with dead zombie and they won’t smell ya. But walk slow, zombies don’t run.
  • When traveling never venture off the interstate or stop at a quaint hotel. You’ll check in but you won’t check out.
  • Anything in an antique store might already be possessed with demons. ie. medallions, monkey statues, & scary paintings
  • Creatures discovered trapped in ice for 1000’s of years are best left buried.
  • With every thunderstorm comes a whole lotta evil. When you see those storm clouds rolling in it’s time to leave town.
  • If you’re a girl, no high-heels, just sneakers. You’re going to be running a lot most likely in the woods or graveyard
  • Don’t just stand there screaming as the slow moving alien goo or zombie approaches! RUN!!!
  • Be careful of getting any open cuts at a grave site or haunted house. Blood has a tendency to bring back the dead.
  • Scientists are evil. They mess with genetics, aliens, inner dimension gateways, so steer clear of any laboratories.
  • foreign villagers seem a little too friendly? You’re gonna end up a sacrifice to their sun god. grab some sun block
  • Strange goo coming up from the ground? Don’t touch it and most of all don’t taste it. It’s an evil alien life form.
  • B sure to avoid cornfields, abandoned military bases, summer camps, mausoleums, sewer systems, laboratories, & caves.
  • Never chop up a demon hell beast into little pieces. It will only makes other little demon hell beasts.
  • Daylight only last about 10 minutes and nighttime is around 20+ hrs so pack a flashlight.
  • Never investigate strange noises, strange lights, or even strange smells. Curiosity killed the cat.
  • Where’s there’s one demon hell beast there’s probably more…usually sneaking up behind you. Watch your back.
  • Don’t call the cops. They won’t believe you. If they do investigate, they’ll send a rookie cop who dies immediately.
  • Don’t stop at Billy Bob’s roadside BBQ meat stand. You might end up the special ingredient in their secret sauce.
  • Don’t dig up graves and closely examine the caskets while standing in the hole. Why are you even in a graveyard?
  • Stressed out at Summer camp with kids droppin’ off like flies?Don’t try 2 relax with a midnight skinny dip in the lake.
  • Don’t ever get naked, and never take a shower. Personal safety always overrides personal hygiene.
  • Avoid camping on Friday the 13th…also trips to New York and outerspace.
  • Pay attention to the urban legend stories told around the campfire. They’re real & have clues for killing the monster
  • in a zombie outbreak guns & ammo are great but a machete is better. No reloading.
  • When it appears you’ve killed the maniac do not go and double check. He isn’t dead..he’s just taking a breather. Run!
  • When traveling in groups don’t split up. If you do then be the guy who “will stay with the car” then drive away fast!
  • Never move near a nuclear power-planet. Something will mutate and kill you…frogs, spiders, alligators, janitors.
  • Are you a wise-crackin’ pot smoker? Ironically you’ve been killed by a maniac clown with a weed-wacker.
  • if an old man or women tells you to stay away because “This place is cursed!” then it’s time to cut the vacation short
  • Don’t stand next to the guy who says “We can learn from it. It’s an advanced alien lifeform.” He will be killed first.
  • Tool sheds are not your friend. chances are you’re getting get impaled by something in there. keep blankets in there instead
  • Though you may run faster than the slow walking killer, he has the magical ability to catch up to you instantly.
  • Are you a sexy cheerleader, dumb jock, security guard, or camp counselor? Sorry, chances are you’re already DEAD.
  • When exploring space do not answer distress calls or explore the planet. In fact nuke that whole damn planet.
  • When aliens come to earth it’s never for peaceful reasons. Leave town immediately or your bones will be vaporized.
  • Do not drink, have sex, do drugs, or listen to heavy metal music, and you’ll survive and kill the monster in the end.
  • Do not investigate a fallen meteorite in the woods behind your home and don’t poke whatever is inside it with a stick.
  • The best place to hide-out during a zombie outbreak? Sam’s Club… few windows, lots of food…but bring ammo.
  • Do not open containers that read “Army Top Secret” on it. It’ll likely contain a zombie or alien that’ll eat ur face.
  • Assume your car will not start immediately only if you’re being pursued by a knife wielding maniac.
  • enrolled in facist army about to do battle with giant bugs? hang at the back of the squad so you can run back to the ship.
  • Remember the 3B’s in fighting evil. Butcher it, Burn it, and Bury it. Then run away, you won’t survive in the sequel.
  • murky water can hide zombies or mutant swamp creatures so no late night skinny dipping.
  • Be kind to all animals and insects. They’re likely to come back mutated, ticked off and with their friends.
  • When being chased by a monster, never enter a building/shack/cave and say “Don’t worry, we’ll be safe in here.
  • Don’t stand outside the cabin watching your friends fool around. Remember that peeping Tom’s get the hatchet first.
  • Any toy may posses demons especially dolls, puppets, clowns, and monkeys with cymbals. Toys R’ Us = cornucopia of evil.
  • Remove anything that could communicate with the dead…phones, TV, videogames, computers. In fact, just become Amish.
  • During a zombie outbreak don’t turn on all the lights in your farm house and border up windows. sound+light = more zombies
  • If your jungle guide refuses to go any further and the tribesmen run away screaming it’s time to cut the expedition short.
  • Escape psycho on the loose & just noticed your biggest kitchen knife or garden tools are missing? Get out of the house.
  • Become best friends with the nerdy guy. He’s likely to survive and figure out a way to kill the monster MacGyver style
  • Avoid stairs…they lead to the attic, or to the basement and evil likes to hide under them waiting to grab your ankle.
  • Being cashed by a demon car? Don’t run down the middle of the street screamin’. jump into woods, or at least serpentine
  • Never back up to examine what you just hit in the middle of the road. It’s most likely not dead and is probably ticked off.
  • Never join a fraternity or sorority or you may just end up permanent members in Sigma Delta Die and Kappa Sigma Stab-ya.
  • Never take part in or witness any scientific experiment. It always results with a horrible mutant that will eat your face.
  • Weapon checklist: Axe, chainsaw, machete, shotgun, butcher knife, flamethrower, baseball bat, holy water super-soaker, lawnmower.
  • Wonder why the rent on that new apartment is so low? because It’s also a portal to Hell. But hey, at least heat is included.
  • Never pick up hitchhikers with bloody duffle bags.
  • for that post nuke season- body piercings, mohawks and hockey padding any color you like as long as it’s black
  • Discovered an ancient door with a intricate lock system? There’s a reason,it’s keeping something horribly evil inside.
  • Don’t steal anything off a dead body like a precious necklace, amulet or ring. They always come back for it later.
  • Just witness a exorcism? Chances are the demon jumped into someone standing nearby. A holy water super-soaker helps.
  • Never join or visit a sorority house. They attract maniac killers like moths to a flame. Sigma Delta Die.
  • Surround yourself with more attractive friends. They will be killed off first.
  • Avoid rave parties in corn fields and cemeteries and best not stand too close to the girl dancing on the gravestone.
  • Just awoke from a horrible nightmare? Guess what? Your not awake yet..rollover and the monster is next to you.
  • Never follow a sleepwalker.
  • Don’t try to liven up a party with a séance. Play charades, there’s less likely the chance of bodily possession
  • Beware of cats. Raised from the dead in a pet sementary, or a warning of nearby evil, they still poop in your house.
  • Sewers are notorious breeding grounds for toxic monsters and giant alligators. Never venture below the city streets.
  • Are you a 1970’s pimp? One of your employees is likely to blow you away with a shotgun. She’s gun-ho for revenge.
  • Evil hates the telephone companies too so don’t call for help. Phone lines are dead, cell phones can’t get a signal.
  • Blood coming up through the drains? Liquid Plumber ain’t gonna unclog that evil.
  • Warning Disney rides may contain zombies. http://tinyurl.com/cn8qot
  • The boogeyman is under your bed, Santa is a psycho killer, and the Easter bunny is a harbinger of the apocalypse.
  • Trapped in the jungle surrounded by cannibals? Be sure to pack some beef jerky. They’ll never know the difference.
  • Any place drenched in fog is generally a place to steer clear of. If it follows you..well then you’re really screwed.
  • Allow yourself extra time when being chased by a maniac in the woods. You will often trip and fall down for no reason.
  • Friday the 13th again already? That guy in the hockey mask with the weed wacker isn’t a gardener or a goalie.
  • Moved to a small town where everyone is nice and life seems perfect? Its probably a pagan cult or evil robots.
  • When running from the chainsaw maniac into the woods DO NOT run in a straight line! try some zig zagging.
  • Never build on or live near a cemetery or indian burial ground. Property values will drop when the dead start to rise.
  • Never Trust a robot. Especially the one’s that say “I’m programmed not to hurt humans.”
  • If you have a gun but your adversary knows kung fu, hand to hand combat is the only choice.
  • Never say “I think we lost him” It will cause the killer to appear directly behind you!
  • When in doubt shoot first ask questions later. Even if they resemble a friend /loved one chances are they’re zombified
  • Always practice your demonic incantations first before trying to say them outloud at the ceremony. Klaatu barada nikto
  • Do not open your fridge if you hear growling noises. It may be a demon dog and not your belly.
  • Never play your heavy metal records backwards as they may open up a portal to Hell.
  • Bicycles make a quick getaway during a zombie outbreak. No gas and can easily maneuver between walking corpses.
  • Is your house possessed? nail or glue down everything and it will inevitably fly at your face.
  • Never use the bathroom…EVER! You’re immediately vulnerable to even slow moving zombies or monsters in the plumbing.
  • Pursued by Vampires or Demons. Take Refuge in the nearest church it’s holy ground and priests can kick evil’s butt.
  • Always call before you dig. You may strike a gas main, electrical line or worse yet….open up a portal to hell.
  • Never travel down a spooky river in a canoe…and if you banjos paddle faster
  • Never stick your hand in a garbage disposal, even if you double checked that the switch is off.
  • Never get stationed in a isolated outpost on another planet, in the arctic, or the under the sea you’ll be mutant chow
  • Never take part in a college initiation involving staying the night alone in a mausoleum, cemetery, or murder site.
  • If while staying at a remote cabin your girlfriend starts speaking latin and levitates off the floor…get an axe.
  • Never vacation in Amityville, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, NILBOG, hostels in Slovakia, and the deep rural south.
  • Do not install a home automated system run by a computer. It will become self-aware and try to destroy you.
  • Lost in the woods? Don’t get help at the cabin with animal skulls for lawn decoration and deer hides for drapes.
  • If you find a robot head don’t hang it on the wall. It’s going to reassemble itself and try to kill you in your sleep.
  • Don’t burn toxic zombie leftovers in the crematorium when the weather report calls for rain.
  • Never take that back woods short cut. You’ll end up redneck mutant chow.
  • When faced with a vicious werewolf, swiftly kick him in the nards.
  • the strange noise coming from the cupboard is actually just your cat but SURPRISE a flesh eating demon is behind you.
  • Never put your robots mainframe on a roof. Lightening will hit it turning them into kill bots.
  • if you’re the maniac – keep your blades sharp, extra gas for the chainsaw and get plenty of cardio. Stalking is a workout
  • The bigger the breasts, the sooner the kill. If you’re a girl in a b-movie never show any cleavage, wear layers.
  • Places to avoid at summer camp – The tool shed, the lake at midnight, the abandoned cabin, and that long hiking trail.
  • something knocks on your door but nobody is there. The second time you better answer it with a shotgun.
  • Avoid a spaceship’s engine room. They’re dangerous, dark, steamy and full of great hiding places for hungry aliens.
  • When in a laboratory look for that bottle of hydrocholric acid. It’s a quick weapon against any attacking hell beast.
  • if a demon/mutant attacking you is under 12 inches tall then toss them in the microwave. It’s effective & entertaining
  • When finding a puddle in a hallway always look for the monster hanging above it.
  • never hook-up your talking computer to your household appliances. It will inevitably try to kill you.
  • If you know kung-fu it’s important to demonstrate your nun-chuck skills to your opponent for 10 minutes before fight.
  • while on a spaceship avoid pressing the largest flashing red button its most likely the self destruct button.
  • Have a remote car starter because by the time you find your keys the killer’s already caught up to ya.
  • never kill or torture smalll alien mutants…their parents are much bigger.
  • just about anything evil or mutated fears fire, so keep a flame thrower next to your fire extinguisher just in case.