Archive for the '70’s movies' Category


posted by Barry Goodall | January 7, 2012 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Long Weekend

Long Weekend

An Australian couple parks their old car at a campsite and go tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s “Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Long WeekendNobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Long WeekendPeter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

roadside attractions

  • Surfer skeet shooting
  • Bald eagle attack
  • Possum mugging
  • Sea cow stalking
  • Harpoon to the throat
  • Littering
  • kangaroo hit n’ run




A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow.




Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory.




Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo.


Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”



posted by Doktor | October 2, 2011 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, foreign, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on A*P*E (Attacking Primate Monster)

Tagline: Ten Tons of Animal Fury Leaps from the Screen

Year: 1976 Runtime: 87 min

Director: Paul Leder

Writer: Paul Leder & Reuben Leder

Starring: Rod Arrants, Joanna Kerns, Alex Nicol

Let me start off by saying I don’t know how A*P*E is an acronym for Attacking Primate Monster. That was what IMDb listed as the title in Asia. Considering this movie, that acronym is perfect.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that. Now to the review proper.

Not to be outdone in the Kaiju proliferation race, A*P*E is Korea’s version of King Kong, henceforth in this review to be called Korean King Kong. Korean King Kong is exactly like American King Kong, but different. Mostly, Korean King Kong’s filmmakers didn’t have the budget for special effects, mostly. This translates as some poor schmuck in a gorilla suit, forced perspective and G-scale models.

So, add this to the list of films made because someone knew someone who owned a gorilla suit.

Korean King Kong also has a special super power, Maggie Seavers Fever. The symptom, I mean ability, of his super power allows Korean King Kong to home in on the precise location of Maggie Seavers no matter where she is—so long as she’s Seoul, South Korea, of course.

Oh, yeah, by the way, Maggie Seavers is the blonde love interest for Korean King Kong.

Speaking of South Korea, how does anyone live there? That question is not a slam against the people, or the land or anything like that. My question comes from my genuine concern about the explosive nature of everything in South Korea: concrete and steel buildings, cashier checks, rock, pot noodles, lambs, everything. Even the water explodes.

No wonder Kim Jong Il is so pissed off. I would be too.

I don’t want to sound like I’m solely picking on the Koreans in this film. There are far greater defuses, namely the US army. Specifically, why in the hell would helicopters buzz Korean King Kong? Did the army forget that they can hover well out of reach? Well, uhm, duh. The answer is obviously yes, since they buzzed Korean King Kong instead of hovering safely out of reach. Idiots.

Finally, to return to our ingenue, whereas I loved Maggie Seavers in Growing Pains, her acting strength is not as a Scream Queen. Every time she goes into her frantic shrieking, I wanted to claw my ears out. As I’m on blood thinners, I decided it would be better to just mute the TV.

roadside attractions

  • Miniature boat explosion.
  • Wonton model destruction.
  • Korean King Kong wrasslin’ with a dead shark.
  • Korean King Kong throws snake at camera (and hits it)
  • Korean King Kong stepping over toy cow.
  • Korean King Kong playing with hang glider.
  • Korean King Kong flipping off army helicopter.
  • Joanna “Maggie Seavers” Kerns as Korean King Kong’s blonde love interest.
  • Familyland (Korea’s answer to Disneyland)
  • Lots of riveting evacuation action.
  • Lots of riveting troop deployment action.
  • Korean King Kong scale keeps changing.




Technically 0, but what it lacked in blood it made up for in explosions




Technically 0, but hearing someone say “Remember, Greg, rape her gently.” in regards to Maggie Seavers, I had to give it something.




Korean King Kong




posted by admin | September 3, 2011 | 70's movies, Audio Review, B-movie Reviews, Comedy, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Audio B-movie Review – Food of the Gods

Tiger here — Well, for some dang reason, the titular ginger and the geek of Ginger and the Geek axed me to do an audio review o’er on their Listenin’ Show (AKA “podcast”).

If yer so inclined, you can listen to my audio review of Food of the Gods (’bout seven minutes) all on its own. Or, if you need help fallin’ asleep, you can listen to the full Ginger and the Geek episode (Lordy, ’bout 60 minutes).

I can’t says how much they spent on bribin’ my gov’ment overlords at the base to let this happen, but I imagine it’ll be a boring Christmas this year. Here’s a tip: paper airplanes: cheap, fun, pointy.

Enjoy. I think they worked out some kinda deal to torture feature me at least once a month.


Comments Off on “Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” rest stop review edition

soup is done.

What is it about isolated houses on creepy islands that draw evil like flies to potato salad.  It’s a wonder anyone moves out of the city at all with all these free range demons and masked psychos roaming the hills. Some blame urban sprawl but it’s probably just to keep up ridiculously high townhouse prices.

“Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” just furthers this notion that country living ain’t safe for city folks. Jessica (Zhora Lampert) has just been released from a mental institute and her husband thinks driving her out to a fruit orchard in a hearse  might do her some good.

They take a ferry out to an island that has a town filled with geriatric mall walkers that don’t take kindly to strangers. Jessica and her husband,  Tim, also bring along their hippy 3rd wheeler (Kevin o ‘Conner) mostly so he can napalm their apple orchard with more chemicals than were dropped on Vietnam.

They discover the house is already home to a pale skinned squatter (Maricelliol Costello) who looks a bit like a young Reba Mcentire. She even plays guitar, so that means no TV, plenty of apple pies and sing alongs around the kitchen table. That is  at least until the peppermint Schnapps wears off.

Soon Jessica starts to hear voices in her head while  she’s frolicing out in a lake infested with floatie dead girls. (I caught one of them on a spinner lure once.) Later on, their undead house guest puts the moves on Tim. He’s a balding unemployed cello player  so you can see the obvious attraction. Tim thinks Jessica has already slipped back into wackoville so he makes the sign of the two headed wombat with the creepy skinny vampire on the living room floor. It’s like making love to a red headed pipe cleaner. Pretty soon everyone is doubting Jessica’s sanity  including Jessica. She starts seeing dead antique dealer just washed up onshore (a hutch appraisal gone horribly wrong) and shows off her new pet rat that just got mysteriously slaughtered in a pickle jar. Everyone start getting vampire hickies and Jessica is left alone to fight the neck sucking ghost while fending off groping old men in fishing vests. Creepy atmosphere tied together with hippy folk singin’ makes this movie ground chuck full of weird. Roadside Attractions: casket cello cases, marco polo water sports, vampire hickies, chemical spray frolicing,  hippie hating townfolks, geriatric flash mobs, rowboat workouts. It’s Carnival of Souls meets Woodstock without the laced brownies. Barry Goodall says to check it out and be sure to wash your apples before eating.



Comments Off on Food of the Gods: Guest review by Tiger Sixon

Tiger SixonTiger Sixon was locked up in a secret desert base with only the government’s cache of weapons grade B-movies to keep him entertained. No one knows why the government locked up one of their best operatives, but it is rumored to involve aliens, a spaceship, and a hefty bar tab. He lost an eye in an accident with a lobster and pogo stick. Now here’s Tiger’s first b-movie review from the confines of his jail cell. Food of the Gods.
Food of the Gods

Any time a film starts with “based on a portion of a novel” you know yer in for somethin’ special. That’s the case with FOOD OF THE GODS. It is based on “a portion” of H. G. Wells’ book of the same name.

But what portion? A sentence? A paragraph? That would be like reading Moby Dick and making a movie based on the ship’s cook, but still calling it Moby Dick.

food of the godsBut let’s get down to brass tacks—FOOD OF THE GODS ain’t a cookin’ film. This ain’t no JULIA AND JULIA. Heck, it ain’t even ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. This is a nature revenge film.

It is kind of like THE HAPPENING, except there’s no Marky Mark and it didn’t piss me off.

The film starts out with narration by our hero, “My name is Morgan, and I play football.” That reminds me of my last group psych evaluation here at the base: “Hi, my name is Tiger and I [CLASSIFIED].”

The opening credits at a snow covered football field feature bouts of freeze frame action—not to build tension, but to draw attention to the fact that the producers dropped some serious Loonies to shoot at a Canadian football field.

Morgan, who looks like the ‘70s version of Sean Penn, treats us to another voice over, going on to explain that his father, who was apparently a prophet, warned him that someday, nature would have enough and seek revenge. The only thing my dad could predict was the end of a six pack.

Morgan goes on vacation, probably because the rest of the team hates him. The movie doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they hate Morgan. Just like I could at my first grade graduation.

Morgan opts to spend a cold weekend on some island in the Pacific North-West with the team’s PR guy and another buddy in tow (does anyone ever say Atlantic North-East?).

food of the godsOn the island they hunt a deer on horseback with a team of foxhounds. Reminds of the last time I was invited to Camp David.

Things take a turn for the interesting when Morgan’s football buddy gets killed by a giant wasp—which is a combination of a giant puppet and a super-imposed photo doing the Cha-cha.

It took a mere seven minutes to get to the first kill of this film. Some folks ain’t got time to bleed; me, I ain’t got time for plot.

Morgan looks for inside a barn, and he finds giant chickens. Get the Colonel on the phone. The chickens proceed to ruin Morgan’s jacket, but his flowing locks remain unscathed. The chickens switch between giant puppets and a split screen of real chickens. Morgan then meets Mrs. Skinner and asks about the massive fowls in the barn.

Mrs. Skinner explains that the feathery behemoths are the result of normal chickens being fed the Food of the Gods. Huzzah. We have a title invocation.

Food of the GodsWe find out later that the Food of the Gods is thick custard that comes out of a hill in the Skinners’ backyard. If only BEVERLY HILLBILLIES had used the same plot device.

Speaking of the Skinners, Mr. Skinner went to the mainland in hopes of selling the Food of the Gods to a chemical company. He dies via a herd of giant rats when he stops to fix a flat tire. Never stop to fix a flat. CGI can never replace the charm of watching rats chew apart a toy Volkswagen.

Morgan returns to the mainland with the body of his dead pal. The PR guy comes to the football field, which days later is still covered in snow, and says their buddy was killed with enough stings for 250 Police concerts.

Morgan and PR guy return to the island and meet an unmarried couple in a Winnebago, and the lady is pregnant. Instant Drama! Just add a preggo lady.

A pair of folks from the chemical company Mr. Skinner visited also shows up, and hilarity ensues.

And by hilarity, I mean herds of giant rats eating everything in sight. The rats are THE reason to watch this film. They are a combination of puppets and split screen footage of real rats attacking model cars and houses. They run in slow-motion and growl like jaguars.

There is even a lone white rat in the bunch. Hey, maybe this film was based on a portion of Moby Dick too?

Morgan must of read the Anarchist Cookbook in high school, because he is quite apt at makin’ pipe bombs–which he uses to blow up a dam. He figures, while the rats can swim, they are not used to swimming at 150 pounds and will sink. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I learned that the first time I flew a [CLASSIFIED].

Morgan’s theory proves correct, and we’re treated to footage of rats in an aquarium.

But wait, just like my mother in law, the white rat shows up at the last minute. Morgan smashes its head in with the stock of his shotgun. That’ll learn it.

Morgan treats the dead rats to a Viking funeral, and muses aloud, “I guess that’s the end of them.”

Wrong. A jar of the Food of the Gods washes up near a group of cows, which promptly chow down. Said cows are then milked, and the film cuts to a scene of school children drinking milk. This is why I only drink the green stuff the base doctor says keeps me from screaming.

Looks like their mom’s are gonna be buyin’ XXXXXL sweaters this Christmas.

Tiger Sixon says, give this flick a watch—but skip it if growling rats running in slow-motion creep ya out.

Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Puppet punching
  • Hen pecking
  • Giant wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats
  • 1 knife wielding house wife
  • 1 exploding wasp nest
  • Bucket dumping
  • Jar breaking
  • 1 toy Volkswagen
  • 1 toy Winnebago
  • Growling rats
  • Rat Drowning
  • Rat-B-Que




the blood is spaced out, but between the giant maggots chewing Mrs. Skinner’s arm and the rats eating people alive, there is plenty to go around—and it is ‘70s neon red blood. And let’s not forget the red paint balls shot at all the rats.




the only breasts we see in this PG-rated film are those of the giant chickens. White meat or dark?




Just like a family reunion, there are tons of beasts here. Giant chickens, giant wasps, giant maggots, and a legion of giant rats.


Check out the trailer for “Food of the Gods”



About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>