“If stealing cars doesn’t work out, I plan to convert this place into an AppleBee’s”

I learned to drive a stick on my 69 Camaro back in the late 80’s. I was 16 and felt indestructible but really had no business being behind the wheel of such a fine tuned performance machine. Luckily my Dad trusted me that I wouldn’t wrap the bumper around a tree and took me out on a back road for some driving lessons in humility. This was so just woodland creatures could point and laugh. I stalled and stopped quite a few times before getting that engine to actually push the car down the road. Once I did, I realized the thrill of a driving a street machine so I was hooked and never looked back. But my how times have changed, now I drive a mini-van and attend PTA meetings. So soccer mom’s best watch out for the mini-van man cruiser.

Vickinski certainly didn’t need driving lessons in gone in 60 Seconds. This original 40 minute chase extravaganzas with 58 minutes of horrible b-movie schlock padding. Vickinski is a professional car thief played by the multi talent H.B. Halicki. HB directed, produced, wrote, distributed and starred in this giant ad for effective car collision insurance. I think he even did the catering. The deal is his team of car thieves have to steal 46 cars for some insurance scams, one of which is a 1973 Mustang Mach 1, which they’ve codenamed Eleanor. Eleanor seemed to be all around town though. The city apparently has more Yellow 73 mustangs per capita than any other city in the world. They’re standard issued to people like the Peter Frampton Comes Alive album.

So Vickinski gets multiple chances to steal the mean muscle machine and eventually succeeds but somehow forgets to disable it’s car alarm. So the cops with their superior observation skills start chasing him…and chasing him…and oh yeah more chasing. Hundred’s of cars are trashed, crashed, and burned. Lawsuits are being filed everywhere. The Mustang takes quite a beating as well but keeps on going like an Energizer bunny on crack. If Ford Motors built cars like that today maybe they wouldn’t be begging on the street for spare change.

It’s funny seeing the pedestrians standing around in the film as they’re obviously there to just to watch a movie getting filmed. Especially look the big jump finale for a huge crowd on the hillside. Did they pay for tickets to that event? I guess the director wants us to believe large groups of people congregate randomly near highways for potential traffic accidents.

This was a great film if you can endure the first half of porn-actor quality acting and constant Polish ethnic slandering but as soon as that Mustang revs it’s engine, get ready for a ride.

Keep an eye out for…
- chop shop wall-o-porn
- gratuitous use of polish slurs
- road-sweeper sized sideburns
- car crusher kung-fu
- towed! in 60 seconds
- the fast and the frizzy hairstyles
- boat sized pimp cars
- flour bag o-rama

“The hair-do’s in this movies were so large that the actors looked like frizzy oranges on toothpicks.”

rated 8.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Gone in 60 Seconds

“Yup sir, in real estate it’s all about location, location, location!”

Blood Shack… no it’s not a hit song by the B52’s but it is a crappy movie that will take away a bit of your soul. I’ve endured the horrors of Gymkata, suffered the Swayze-isms of Roadhouse but I had yet to know such pain as Blood Shack. From the director that brought us such memorable films as “The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and became Mixed Up Zombies!” comes a new level in strange and dull horror. Originally called “The Chooper” but also known in some circles as “Curse of the Evil Spirit”, the film was made for well under $500 putting the “b” back in budget b-movies.

The plot is as nearly as thin as our main flag pole shaped hero, Daniel. He likes to work on his desert landscaping by poking the dirt occasionally with a shovel and moving rocks from one pile to another. Danny-boy also likes striking a pose leaning on his shovel in front of his poorly constructed triple wide trailer….that about sums up his daily routine. Oh he also enjoys mumbling and then suddenly bursting into fits of verbal abuse towards his two grimy kids to break up the monotony. The kids portrayed convincingly by the director’s own children pass the time by playing musical chairs with only a single chair (will the fun ever stop?) They also trying to sneak into the haunted shack next door to jump on the stained matress like a trampoline. A rare film in which furniture actually out acts the cast.

Carolyn Brandt a real b-movie actress who plays herself, inherits the land the shack resides on and is determined to keep it since it has a underground lake. No green grass in sight for miles so you just have to take their word for it. The house is also supposedly haunted by an Indian demon called a Chooper that kills everyone that crosses its threshhold, which up to that time has been just a whiny teenager and a local plump sheriff who practically sweats grease so it’s not exactly legendary. When the terror of the chooper is finally revealed it’s carrying some sort of BBQ sqewer and is wearing what appears to be a bad ninja outfit you’d buy at a halloween store. Oh the horror…please make it stop.

The movie originally was only about 55 minutes long so they had to go back and add some additional footage which amounted to endless stock footage of rodeos to make it feature length! That’s the true horror of “The Chooper.” I think there’s a special place in Hell for the really bad people where they make them watch this movie over and over again.

I’d say check it out simply for it’s awfulness so anything you’ll see after it will taste like a fine four-course meal. The most action this movie has is simply trying to find the hidden Joe Bob Briggs commentary track buried in the DVD extras. It makes the whole movie much more digestible.

Keep an eye out for…

- mattress stains in the shape of Maryland
- gratuitous use of rodeo footage
- 2 shallow buried bodies
- hat flyin’
- ninja pajamas
- roof leapin’ chooper demons
- rock landscaping
- voice overs…and overs…and overs

I have never seen a movie where the director puts up posters of his other movies in a film. It’s like he’s saying “Yeah I know this film sucks, but maybe you’ll like one of these instead!”

rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie and 8.6 for Joe Bob Briggs Commentary track.

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Bloody Shack I put together for your enjoyment.

“shhhhh…did someone say there’s a sale on plaid!?”

In the fine cinematic tradition of Hell High, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, Blood Sisters is another slasher wanna-be where the madness and mayhem all stem from an innocent kid going through traumatic events thereby making them psycho killers adults. All child actor stars should be watched carefully by law enforcement if this is the case. The movies start when a little girl calls a young boy a pervert because he doesn’t have a father. This doesn’t make any sense at all..wouldn’t that make him a bastard and not a pervert?

Apparently it traumatizes the boy much more than the fact then he’s the son of a prostitute who lives in a nearby brothel house. This small business startup apparently was overlooked by the neighborhood association. The Victorian house is filled with some weird ladies of the night dressed in strange westerns neo 18th century wardrobes just hanging around looking like they just took a dozen Benadryls.

Well business goes bad when one of the patrons and an employee of the month is killed via a double barrel shot gun. The brothel is shut down for good apparently not just for breaking some local noise ordinances. Eeesh did anybody notice before that there was a house of hookers in the neighborhood?

Flash forward 13 years and the co-eds of a local sorority are pledging their new members. Much like a PBS pledge drive it consists of weird rituals, white robes, and drinking goats blood. Their next secret initiation is spending the night in the legendary abandoned whorehouse which is also now supposedly haunted. Before their arrival some dorky frat guys who barely can muster enough intelligence to carry a box through a doorway set up pranks to scare the girls. Every stereotype of girl arrives there, nerdy girl, trashy girl, won’t stop talking girl, snobby girl, plus some other girls who apparently are so dispensable that there names aren’t even mentioned. I believe in the credits they’re referred to as big haired victims#1-4. Take count as they all kinda look alike in the set’s bad lighting.

Watch in horror as the girls try to escape to their van only to find that it won’t start (shocking!) and while complaining that it’s too cold to stay there decide to go back into the house where the murder still lumbers around. Apparently they’d rather be killed than a bit chilly. It’s a guessing game who the murderer is but if you pay only the slightest attention you’ll figure it out. This movie is lame and it’s only saving grace is the terrific commentary track by Joe Bob Briggs and for that it is well worth taking a look.

Keep an eye out for…
- jack-in-the-box scene of terror
- JCPenny manquin noosings
- flying scarfs
- shot-gun view-cam
- dangerous over-acting
- special f/x ghost hookers

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie (8.8 for the commentary track and interview)
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the quality acting in this pivotal scene from Blood Sisters

“sound the battle cry…Gooble-Gooble!”

In the great tradition of Highlander and Waynes World, the movie Flash Gordon utilizes the 80’s classsic rock icons of queen for a memorable movie soundtrack. As for the rest of the movie’s quality well that’s a different story.

Flash Gordon, a quarterback from the New York Jets, is put in the unlikely situation of having to try to save the world from the evil clutches of an alien overlord name Ming. With only enough brain power to warm toast and a uncanny skill in bad one-liners, Flash goes to Ming’s home planet accidentally with the help of an equally dimwitted newsreporter. Also along for the trip is a scientist who happens to have a few screws loose. Their first meeting with Ming doesn’t go well since Flash calls him a “Psycho” right off the bat and then senselessly beats an innocent sensor droid (R2D2 your days are numbered.) Flash escapes his death sentence thanks to the help of the princess who wants to use Flash for some extra curricular activity of her own. She’s some sort of bored rich physcho/nympho who likes earthling football stars like a crazed Beverly Hills cheerleader.

Flash employees the help of some woodsmen led by Timothy “I was the worse James Bond ever” Dalton and some flying hawk-people who look more like turkey parade rejects to battle Ming and save his girlfriend from marrying him. Through all the battles and carnage and laser beams Flash never gets hit and his hair always stays perfect. Maybe that was his superpower “amazo hair of fortitude.” I’d tell you how it ends but I’m sure you can figure out that Flash saves the day and rides off into the sunset on his jet ski to the rocking tunes of Queen on his radio. Lots of shiny bad costumes, lots of horrible dialog but a heck of a lot of fun. I say check it out.

Keep an eye out for…

- midget alien cleaned funeral parlors. They leave the fresh scent of pine
- psychedelic space warps
- a killer game of bonk the gopher except in this one the gopher wins and you die
- the only super hero with his own self-promotional t-shirt
- jet ski recreational space vehicles (whether on a lake or in space they’re still annoying)
- overdressed mardi-gras parade rejects
- Robinhood and his merry men of thieves
- impronto football scrimmages in space
- inneffective mind control devices that can be overcome with thoughts of Beatles songs

Lesson I learned from this movie. don’t stick your arm in an old tree stump.

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Flash Gordon.

“Dukes of Hazzard changed my life! Boss Hog is an American hero.”

Wow! not surprisingly Oscars were not be handed out to any of the Hell’s Angels back in 1969 for their stunningly accurate portrayals of themselves in this cheesy biker movie. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of biker movies so this is my first toe in the water of slurred speeches, drunken brawls and endless footage of motorcycles cruises. The thin plot revolves around two badly dressed rich guys who decide to rob a casino just for “the kicks.” they plan to send the money back to the casino in the mail. Like somehow the casino will be “Oh that’s okay for stealing our cash…at least you returned it. do you need a hug?” The Hell’s Angels find out they’re being used and go after the two robbers in a un-thrilling bike race across the desert. I found it hard to figure out who to root for in this film as despicable characters are abound. However this movie’s saving grace is a great informative and hilarious commentary track from the b-movie guru Joe Bob Briggs and that helps makes the hurt go away.

rated 4.9 out of 10 for the movie…8.7 out of 10 with Job Bob Briggs commentary track turned on
learn more about this movie at imbd.com