Archive for the '70’s movies' Category

May

posted by admin | May 26, 2008 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Chick-flix

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Run, Angel, Run
“Can we pull over? I think I caught a junebug in my teeth.

I’ve recently starting go back to the local gym. Repetitive computer mouse movements and the occasional chair shifting aren’t burning the calories like I’d hope. Yes it’s time to lose that pizza gut that I’ve worked on so hard over these past several months. The countless hours sitting in front of a computer to perfect it’s shape and density, it’s truly like a work of art. Sure it hasn’t won me any awards in categories like “most likely to have grease in his veins” but I did get honorable mentions in “most likely to run over your grandma for a doughnut.” or the coveted “achievements in long range Girlscout cookie flavor identification.” I do have a lifetime membership to Fitness USA that I got back in 1997 on a dare and by lifetime apparently that means at some point in my life I plan to use it again so why not now. I figured out why I hate exercise so much…it’s work…and I do a lot of that already, hence the title “working out” but I will keep at it and continue to work those abs and glutify my glutes and perfect my pectorals. Whatever it takes so I don’t gasp for air in exhaustion from opening a jar of tomatoes.

William Smith, a life long body builder, plays a biker named Angel who knows what it takes to stay in shape. This former Marlboro man also knows how to keep a fake mustache attached to his upper lip precariously for long periods of time as evident in his starring role in the 1969’s biker movie “Run, Ange, Run.” A little known fact, Smith also holds the record for 5100 continuous sit ups over a 5 hour time frame barely beating out my record by 5000 or so. William usually plays a b-movie direct to video bad guy these days but finds himself early in his career in the uncomfortable role of a misunderstood sensitive bike type. Angel is hightailing it out of town with his favorite hooker/girlfriend/go-go dancer Laurie, played convincingly by Valerie Starrett. Ms. Starrett is actually the wife of the director Jack Starrett which must have made some of her love scenes a tad uncomfortable. Turns out all the bikers gangs are looking for Angel now since he sold them out for his story to “Like” Magazine for a whopping $10,000. Even in the late 60’s that amount shouldn’t have been enough to sell out your fellow riders but Angel isn’t the shiniest tool in the shed and thinks he’s struck the jackpot. He continually tries to get rid of Laurie a good 3 or 4 times before they even leave town, this despite her bailing him out jail by turning tricks in the parking lot the night before. Now that is true love. His bipolar medication was obviously left at home as he switches back and forth between sensitive Angel and homicidal “I’ll stick a fork in your eye” Angel, but that seems to only makes Laurie love him more.

Through a series of mind numbing motorcycle montages accompanied by the tunes of Tammy Wynette, Angel and Laurie evade the pursuing biker gangs confusing them with a stunt spectacular at a train station that would make Evil Knievel proud. No one under 18 will be admitted during the breath taking train jumping sequence. Narrowly escaping being raped by a gang of train hobo’s Laurie and Angel flee to an abandoned barn to pretend to be in school and to take a literal roll in the hay. I think people with hay fever wouldn’t even find that love scene stimulating. You can almost hear the director screaming “Get your damn filthy hands off my wife!!!” as William attempts his best to grope Valerie without actually touching, an impressive acting skill.

Angel and Laurie then decide to go house hunting and start a life together ala June Cleaver style fulfilling their redneck American dream of owning a beat down shed in the middle of nowhere. The film had taken a sharp nose dive at that point with scenes of them at their dinner table talking about their life and their dreams…then montages of them running on the beach and holding hands to the sounds of flute music…and…wait is this a Lifetime movie of the week? Did I accidentally stumble into a feminine hygiene commercial? What happened to the motorcycle gang that was about rip off his arm and beat him with it? Unfortunately they’re still back at a local bar starting up their own roadhouse dinner theater and picking bars fight with rejects from Docker pants commercials. Be sure to take note of the go-go dancer in the background who continues to dance while heads are getting smashed around her. You gotta love the 60’s for little gem moments like that.

Years, months, or days appear to be go by and Angel is now sans mustache, the ultimate sacrifice of a motorcyclists is shaving, and is now living the good life down on the farm. Angel teaches his neighbor, Dan Felton, to ride a motorcycle and in return Dan gives him a job in sheep dipping. Luckily that’s not as obscene as it sounds and Dan is thrilled to have a job dousing sheep in chemical flea baths for a honest day’s pay. He then starts spouting poetry about birds and freedom and at some point appears to want to cry! (Billy what is wrong with you? Shouldn’t you’ve beaten someone senseless by now?)

Dan’s daughter, Megan, decides to go hang out at a local bar and gets raped by that long lost biker gang I mentioned earlier as they finally learn of Angel’s whereabouts. If you throw enough coincidences in a film, things like that are bound to happen so Dan thinks Angel did it because Megan is now a mute and only screams at the sounds of revving motorcycles. Based on this overwhelming evidence Dan loads up his shotgun to go make mince meat out of Angel back at his shack. My dog barks at the sound of lawnmowers but I don’t shoot the nearest landscaper.

Angel who has been away in the city has returned from finally picking up his check and avoided the long wait at his mailbox. Things go sour from there when the motorcycle gang of four and a very angry Dan show up with shotgun in tow. It’s a rodeo-style showdown with some motorcycle wranglin’ and furniture tippin’ ending with lessons about life, love, and the evilness of greed. Yup ladies and gentlemen it’s a chick-flick.

I think if any lessons I learned from this movie is that… 1. $10,000 is not enough to rat out biker gangs or pay for a year of college. 2. motorcycle montages sung by Tammy Wynette are a great way to fight insomnia. 3. William Smith could crush most people using only his index finger and thumb.

As far as chick-flick/biker films from the late 60’s go this was pretty good. So go grab yourself a Harley and scare up some sheep with “Run, Angel, Run.”

Keep an eye out for….

– bar-room brawl with optional go-go dancers
– off key folk singing
– sheep dipping
– cackling rednecks
– hobo throwin’
– imprompto train jumping evil knievel style
– motorcycle montages
– hay rollin’
– bi-polar domesticated motorcyclist
– mustache wrangling
– chicken feeding
– motorcycle induced sheep stampedes
– babbling homeless Santa impersonators
– Tammy Wynette singing
– extreme facial hair

warning this movie is known to induce drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while watching. If you have allergies to wool or hay we suggest you consult your doctor before viewing.


rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the trailer for Run, Angel, Run.

Feb

posted by admin | February 18, 2008 | 70's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse

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coffy

The original Big Bird was actually a struggling pimp living on Sesame Street in Harlem

Pam Grier plays Flower Child Coffin “Coffy”, a hospital nurse with a hippie name and a vengeful spirit which doesn’t really lend herself to a profession in bedside care. Her little sister got hooked on heroin and is a kids detox so she goes on a mission to find the dealers and anyone remotely related to the drug bosses that got her sister hooked. Blowing holes through drug dealers heads, junkies, shooting Italians in swimming pools, and stabbing goattee bodyguards in the neck. It’s all in nights work for a nurse. I think Coffy needs to ease up on the caffeine before she takes out a bus of nuns with a bazooka.

Meanwhile a cop friend of hers named Carter Brown decides not to go the corrupt route like the rest of the police force who has made a deal with mafia and drugs dealers. This results in him getting beaten like a piece of ground beef in his apartment by some masked henchman while Coffy is over visiting. Didn’t he watch Godfather? The mob doesn’t kindly to non-team players.

Coffy also has her own sugar daddy, Howard “the shrapnel tummy” Brunswick, a congressmen on the take along with the police force (eesh do they all get some sort of mobster group discount?) He’s been working back street deals to get a big cut of the drug profits and gain more control of the city. Coffy who is still on the trail of the drug dealers dresses up as a prostitute from Jamaica to try to get employed by a local big league Pimp who calls himself King George. His dressing attire makes no doubt of his occupation as any low flying planes in a dense fog could spot his bright yellow jump leisure suit for a safe landing. It’s sort of a super pimp outfit. Coffy easily passes the job interview using her “assets” and “references” and later that night switches out George’s heroin supply with some powdered sugar (in case George needs to make some laffy taffy.) Upon returning to a mobster dinner party where all the big league dealers are schmoozing she starts a cat fight with some of the other hookers. It’s all broken bottles, torn dresses, tossed salads, and stained cocktail gowns. She does some sweet kung-fu moves and ultimate fighting pile drivers on her hooker co-workers and even hides a straight razor in her afro causing some nasty paper cuts. An Italian Mobster named Petroni enjoys the super hooker smack down and wants Coffy to come over later to play hide the salami at his apartment. Coffy attempts to take him out via a stuffed animal with a .44 magnum in it but is caught by Petroni’s goons just before she can pop him right between the pepperonis.

When interrogated via some vicious indian burns she rats out that King George actually sent her as a hooker hit girl (everyone always blames the pimp). This results in King George getting forced into some imprompto speed boat rafting. Well excepts there’s no boat or raft, and he’s tied behind a car by his neck. Not a very popular outdoor sporting activity. There’s more double crossing, double barrel shoguns, and double D’s than you can count in this film.

After seeing Pam Grier in the film Jackie Brown, I knew she was one bad ass foxy mama (look out I’m breaking out my jive talk) So I was looking forward to seeing what is hailed as one of her best films. I definitely agree it’s a great grindhouse film filled with plenty of sex, violence and leisure suits. And doesn’t that pretty much sum up the 70’s? So definitely check it out. I ain’t talkin’ no jive turkey so can you dig my rap? My mama didn’t raise no fool….ugh.. sorry I can’t help myself.

Keep an eye out for…

– banana suit pimps
– sugar daddy politicians
– stuffed lions packing heat
– razor blade hair clips
– mobster bodyguards dressed as gay pirates
– extreme pimp dragging
– roadside neck stabbing
– bad Jamaican accents
– diner party cat fights
– hooker shotguns
– salad bowl body slams
– sugar shoot-ups
– lounge dinner strippers

Coffy is in no way endorsed by Juan Valdez or any of the coffee union members


rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Coffy

Jan

posted by admin | January 24, 2008 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Horror movies

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Yorga

“A battle with a clogged ketchup bottle ends tragically.

I finally got a chance to test out the new movie rental feature in Apple’s iTunes with a not so quick download of the 1970’s vampire flick Count Yorga, Vampire. So right off the bat you immediately know whose the vampire, though I half expected Yorga to be a small green midget from the Dagobah planet. The Bulgarian Count Yorga played by Roger Perry is hanging out with some yuppies at a séance party to contact the dead mother of a frazzle nerved gal named Donna played by Donna Anders. Most of the guests had a bit too much peppermint schnapps and end up cracking jokes or in Donna’s case blood curdling screams. So the count hypnotizes her to calm her down and happens to slip in a subliminal command of doing whatever he says. An American vampire would be like “bring me a beer….turn on the football game”

A couple there, Paul and Erica, decide the party has really lost it’s steam (nothing brings down a party like a failed séance) and decide it’s time leave. Erica seems to think old Bulgarian guys are attractive and offers Yorga a lift home. Paul wants to puts the kibosh on that idea but Erica seems to wear the pants in that relationship and insists on it. So they take the count back to his creepy mansion completed with a demon hellhound and Torgo-like groundskeeper. After leaving they get stranded in some sort of flash thunderstorm trapping their Scooby Doo mystery van in a puddle of mud. Paul uses this seemingly desperate moment of survival for his own shagging needs with his girlfriend. After a night of van rocking and candle burning, Erica and Paul fall asleep. Their love making seemed to peek the interest of the noisiest cricket and frogs in the swamp just as the creepy Yorga attacks. He knocks out Paul who is on a pee break and attacks Erica for a quick midnight snack. A little known medical fact that when a guy is hit on the head while peeing it causes temporary amnesia hence why Paul can’t remember a thing of the attack the very next day.

Erica starts going all grey skinned and continues to lose blood as well as personality until she’s rushed to the doctor. Dr. Hayes prognosis is to get lots of rest and eat lots of steak as raw as possible. Yes it’s the 70’s…so eat steak, smoke and drive with no seat belts. Erica skips the steak and goes right for the pet cat instead just and Dr Hayes and Paul arrive home. Dr. Hayes as a man of science and reason makes the immediate leap she was bitten by a vampire. Can’t say I’d want a doctor who makes snap paranormal diagnostics. “That head cold you have…yeah that’s a demon trying to escape from your skull…we’re going to have to drill!”

Erica is kidnapped by Yorga to join his harem and get all the club benefits like sleeping in the basement on cold stone slabs and eating sewer rats. You can see why the ladies love the Yorga. So Paul and Dr. Hayes make a hap-hazzard plan to invade the castle at mid-day. They hit the snooze button a few too many times from their nap though and end up getting a late start to battle the undead. With no real combat skills and poorly constructed weapons of broom stakes, broken furniture and duct taped crucifixes things probably won’t go well for these Van Helsing wanna-be’s. But you’ll have to check it out yourself. A good b-movie that reminds me of vintage hammer horror films., a sort of modern take on vintage dracula. I say rent it but wear a turtle neck.

Keep an eye out for…

– vampire McLovin’
– séance shenanigans
– kitty snacks
– if the van’s a rockin’…yorga’s a knockin’
– vampires on a stick
– smoking jackets of the undead
– handyman backbreakers
– Bulgarian Bordellos

Vampires truly suck.


rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Count Yorga, Vampire

Jan

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Race with the Devil

“Bring it On!

With the onset of a cold winter we’ve had a few indoor events at the local sporting arena. Usually there’s such exciting events as insurance agency seminars, the occasional gun and knife show and the ever popular women’s expo, an exploration in the dark art of potpourri and decoupage. Recently I was fortunate enough to check out the BIG RV and camper show there. It’s an extravaganza of gas guzzling houses on wheels. You could move a Chinese family of 8 into one of those giant display campers and have them live there quite comfortably. Heck those RV’s have everything I could ever need. When tours would come through I’d just be like “Hey I’m trying to take a shower here! Can I have some privacy please?” Only in America would we be lazy enough to want to drive a whole house across the country. “You know I don’t really want to leave my couch…if only there was a way I could take my living room, kitchen, and bathroom with me. Then I could go see the largest ball of twine!” and so RV’s were born.

In “Race with the Devil” the central star is also a giant gas guzzling camper. It’s a bit older and the interior is encased with shag carpet and wood grain paneling, enough to make your eyes water, but it can still hold it’s own against the onslaught of hippie devil worshipers. A “race” with belezabub is not really a race as much as it is a competitively fast paced walk with occasional rest stops for snacks & ammo and the refreshing dip in the public pool. The racing RV belongs to Frank Stewart, a greasy little elf who is partners with a motocross star wanna-be, Roger Marsh, played by the always groovified Peter Fonda. They plan to take a vacation to Colorado for some rest and relaxation with their fragile nerved girlfriends and practice up on some their combined drinking and motorcrossing skills. During a night of drunken debauchery and fondue they inadvertently notice some hippie tree huggers (in this case tree burners) having a party in a nearby field. What at first appears to just be a bad local outdoor theater production turns into a human sacrifice ceremony. You usually have to pay extra for that.

Figuring these are no renaissance festival actor rejects, Roger and company pack up the Fonda fondue and high tail it outta there just as the satanic fanboys attack their RV. Narrowly escaping that devil’s tailgate party with only a few broken windows and taillights, they go to the police to report the incident. The cops and sheriff having all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazzard pretty much shrug of the incident as a kids prank but the vacationers decide to take their suspicions to the nearest big city instead. Of course mentioning your secret plans out loud is never a good idea and satanists are notorious for having a keen sense of hearing.

What started out as a nice vacation ends up being a desperate cat and mouse game across the state highways. Campsites turn out to be satanic playgrounds with creepy old people in bath robes who lynch dogs and put rattle snakes in your camper. Evil construction workers cause traffic jams and create detours of doom, and roadhouse bars are revealed to be pagan hangouts where Satan spins his evil tunes through the wailing noise of country music. Oh wait, I guess they pretty much already do that.

It all leads to a great road rage chase scene complete with Peter Fonda riding shotgun (literally) and throwing taquilla bombs at their truck driving pursuers. Fortunately redneck satanists are also bad drivers and the vacationers stocked up lots of booze for their trip. Who said there aren’t benefits to alcoholism?

Definitely a fun little action/horror b-movie for fans of Peter Fonda and even more so for fans of RV’s. So I say check it out and always remember to check your tire pressure, adjust your mirrors, and check all your camper’s cupboards for any stowaway rattlesnakes before your trip. There are old people everywhere and they’re watching you.

Keep an eye out for…

– Devil worshipping BBQ’s
– Extreme off roading RV’s
– Redneck roadhouse of the Damned
– Construction workers of the Damned
– Country music of the Damned
– Snake wranglin’
– Dog lynchings
– Pagan pool parties
– Cult book kleptomania

Do you think Peter Fonda drives a Honda? Then he can just say things like “Hey everyone, wanna drive the Fonda Honda?”


rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Race with the Devil

Jan

posted by admin | January 9, 2008 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

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Kingdom of the Spiders

“Hey baby Did I mention my other car is a Federation Starship?

William “Tighten my Girdle” Shatner plays Dr. Robert Hansen, probably the last cowboy/veterinarian left in the state of Texas that makes house calls and can still hold his liquor. A local farmer’s prized cows are ending up dead but not by the hand of the local diner’s butcher, so Robert and a convertible driving blond entomologist decide to investigate. They soon suspect the bovine murders maybe due to an evil large insect that drains the blood of it’s victims and burrows itself underground….and no it’s not Dick Cheney. Robert decides to put the moves on the entomologist with his own brand of Shatner shag and for some reason she falls for his cheesy come-on lines all this leading to a lame side story of a love triangle. But what we really want is more spider carnage!

Their suspicions of a mutant spider invasion are confirmed when they find a big nest of tarantulas partying near the farmhouse. Nothing brings down realestate values like swarms of killer spiders and over-acting starship captains for neighbors. So they have themselves a little spider BBQ beach party and toast spider hill. If William Shatner would have just sang some of his old tunes from one of his albums he may have inflicted some substantial spider casualties. The bomb-fire only ticks off the mutant spider army and like an Orkin man’s worse nightmare the spiders decided to overtake the town. There’s town riots, cacooned rednecks, plane crashes, and old men complaining about the weather along with some spider smashing that’s sure to make PETA fanboys cry. Not being a fan of spiders myself I enjoyed whenever any of those critters got mangled, burned, or smashed. It also makes an excellent drinking game. For every spider smashed you take a shot.

Robert or “Rack” as his non-arachnid friends like to call him, trucks over to his sister-in-law’s house to try to rescue her and her daughter but he arrives a bit too late. Apparently the spiders performed a mid field tackle on the sister-in-law when she was running back to the house. Luckily the young girl has superior survival skills and climbed on a table. I never could figure how some slow moving spiders can take down any running human unless they have a 5ft vertical leap. Interesting little fact is the director paid $10 per spider for use on this film, so I’m sure mother’s across the country were more than happy to lend their kid’s pet tarantula for a brief moment of fame. The potential for it to die a horrible death at the heels of captain James T. Kirk is truly an honor.

“Rack Attack” wrangles up some of the survivors and tries to hold up in a cabin resort barricading the doors and windows. Spiders are notorious for breaking down doors. They put the little girl in a cool dark secluded room for a nap (because that’s always a safe place during an spider invasion) but soon discover the spiders are crashing their party via the chimney and air ducts. Didn’t anybody have duct tape in the 1970’s?

This was one of the better spider invasion movies I’ve seen in recent years (not that there’s been that many) and a superior film to the most recent Spielbergerized “Arachnophobia.” You also gotta love the downbeat ending…even if you can see the brush strokes. So I say put down your tricorder and check out Kingdom of the Spiders.

Keep an eye out for…

– sister-in-law wrangling
– extreme cow tipping
– kamikaze crop dusting
– dirt torching BBQ’s
– Kirk-tastics gymnastics
– spider induced tap dancing
– cocooned rednecks snackpacks
– water tower cop crushing
– matte painting apocalypse
– a bad case of bed bugs

“Shatner was viciously bludgeoned while filming when his toupee was mistaken for a renegade tarantula.”


rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Kingdom of the Spiders

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