Waxed demons are trying to take over the world and steering clear of any open flames in the 80’s classic “Waxwork.” Zach Galian, after blowing up Gremlins in his microwave, plays Mark, a spoiled rich kid with a caffeine addiction. He and his dimwitted high school friends are invited to a waxwork museum run by b-movie veteran, David Warner who can pretty much play creepy in his sleep. They arrive for a midnight preview and a 7ft tall butler and his dwarf life-partner send them on a tour of “eighteen of the most evil people who ever lived”, but sadly no Larry King. On of the friends Tony, loses his lighter in one of the exhibits so he gets zapped into alternate reality where Teenwolf could be a reality hit TV show. Finding himself inside a creepy cabin he meets a Pavarotti look-alike who starts turning into a werewolf and bites him on the arm. Lycanthropes are everywhere. Luckily, a vigilante mob bust into just in time to shoot everyone with silver bullets putting an end to Tony’s nicotine addiction and Pavorotti’s singing career.

Meanwhile, Mark’s bitchy girlfriend walks into a vampire exhibit where she’s forced to slowly eat steak tar-tar while some Twilight emmos gawk at her bad dye job. She discovers a one legged guy in their basement who just had his ankle gnawed on like a doggie chew toy. She stakes some vamp fatales and then gets her neck sucked on by the guy from the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercials. No big deal, no one liked her anyways. Team Edward for the win.

Back in the real world, Mark and his new replacement girlfriend, Sarah leave the show thinking their friends ditched them and decide to head back to Mark’s mansion to look at old pictures of his grandfather in the attic. Probably the worse first date ever until they they discover the waxwork owner is in the photo which would make him about 170 years old (170 is the new 140). They consult with an old wheelchair bound Brit named Sir Wilfred, a friend of Mark’s grandfather, who explains how he and Mark’s grandpa collected trinkets from some of the most evil people in the world and sell them for big bucks on Ebay. Sir Wilfred believes the waxwork owner had sold his soul to the devil in return he’d get immortality but also has to find victims for his waxworks displays to help bring about the end of the world.This means raising the dead, filing the skies with blood, and consuming all things good in the world like pop tarts and Leann Rimes.

Mark and Sarah try to tell the cops but the detective doesn’t believe them and ends up pharaoh bait in an Egyptian tomb getting body slammed by a mummy. Mark and Sarah return to the waxworks in an attempt to burn it down but Sarah’s ADD kicks in as she’s mesmerized by the French Marquies de Sade exhibit. Sadly not Circus De Soleil…fewer clowns more whipping.

She gets sucked in while Mark gets pushed into the Night of the Living Dead to fight off hordes of flesh hungry zombies. After getting a hand, Mark escapes and rescues Sarah whose been getting her jollies from 50 lashings by the hand of a ren-fest pirate. Mark convinces her that she’s been brainwashed by the waxwork and if she believes that it’s not real then she can’t be harmed. Seems like she’s disappointed by that fact.

They step through a dimensional portal just in time to see the rest of the waxworks come to life and do battle with Sir Wilfred’s armored wheelchair brigade and his small army of senior citizens. High on Metamucil, they battle with swords and pitchforks against the legion of demonic wax figures trying to keep any of them from escaping and polluting the rest of the world.

Barry Goodall says go check out “waxwork” and bring some candles but leave your butler dwarf at home if you don’t have the room. Unless you have a motorcycle sidecar…those work perfect for dwarf butlers.

Severed hand Bat shooting French whippin’ Cheek gougin’ Ankle chewin’ Head smash with twist and pull Neck chompin’ Extra raw steak tar tar Werewolf, vampires, zombies, and mummies Torso rippin’ Wheelchair drive-by 50 gallons of hot wax

8 BLOOD Bodies get ripped in two and a guy gets his leg chewed down to the bone, bloody stabbings, and rare steak tar tar. 0 BREASTS You’d think a french S&M exhibit would get more melons but you’d be wrong. Not even waxed fruit. I thought the French preferred not to wear clothes. Maybe that was bathing. 10 BEASTS *deep breath* mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, severed hands and butler dwarfs. the Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack the Ripper, the Invisible Man, a voodoo priest, a witch, a snakeman, pods from Invansion of the Body Snatchers, a mutant baby, an axe murderer, a multi-eyed alien, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. New Highway record for most beasts in one film! 8.9 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Waxwork”

As Pa Sixon used to say, “Does this look infected?” Wait. I mean, “Christmas ain’t about bein’ with people ya like. It’s about bein’ with family.” And bein’ with family is a main theme of the 1984 post-apocalyptic-zombie-horror-romance-comedy, Night of the Comet.

Christmas is around the corner for sunny California and Santa, or perhaps maybe the Krampus, is bringin’ one heck o’ a gift: a comet. We learn it is, more or less, the same comet what knocked out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Shoot, ya don’t a comet for that—just feed ‘em some of Ma Sixon’s tuna surprise served at room temperature. While everyone is partying about the comet (because I guess that is what you do in California when home owners and mortgage insurance liabilities don’t matter because the Apocalypse is coming), Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck workin’ at the local movie theater—which involves beating a mysterious high score on Tempest and scoring with the projectionist in the booth (to use the film’s vernacular, “making it”). Ah, to be an 18 year old girl in the 80’s again.

Back home, Regina’s mouthy little sis, Sam (Kelli Maroney), gets slapped around by her step mom—who is throwin’ a comet party of her own. One problem: once the comet arrives, everyone outside is turned to dust. And those what ain’t turned to dust, are turned into zombies. Regina wakes up after a night o’ lovin’ to find the streets filled with piles of dust, and a dash of occasional zombie. A tender moment ensues when Regina finds Sam, now (thankfully) clad in a cheerleader outfit. In an effort to find survivors, the pair goes to the local radio station (which has more neon lights than a Blade Runner convention in Las Vegas). At the station, they meet future Star Trek Voyager regular, Hector (Robert Beltran). That’s right, Commander Chakotay comes to the rescue.

Uh, sort of. As we learn, the girls’ dad is in the military–he trained the pair how to fight and use guns, so they can handle themselves (although Sam wishes Hector would handle her).

Because the film was made in the ‘80s, we are treated to a shopping montage set to a non-Lauper version of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, while Regina and Sam have the run of the mall. This was a requirement for most ‘80s films, along with Steve Gutenberg. Meanwhile, there is a secret underground group, with a maze for a logo, keeping tabs on survivors. They decide to bring a few back to the base, and hilarity ensues. By which I mean, stuff gets blown up.

Deep down, Night of the Comet is about family: two sisters are on their own and realize, despite pissin’ each other off from time to time, they are all they have. The girls also realize they need to stick together with Hector if they want to survive (and Regina hopes her and Hector really stick together), and form a new family o’ sorts.

While fairly tame by today’s standards, there is enough blood and violence to go around, and Night of the Comet leans heavily toward the goofy side of the post-apocalyptic meter. Night of the Comet, like any quality b-movie, is a campy, blood-soaked hoot. Give this one a watch–just don’t forget yer hairspray and leotard.

neon lights leotards cheerleading outfit sunglasses at night shopping montage zombies future star trek actors retro video games exploding cars blood stealing keyboard whacking big hair bloody wrenches secret bases MAC-10s	6 BLOOD Not too bloody, but plenty it when it counts. 5 BREASTS While we never see Sam totally topless, she gets down to a bra in one scene, and jumps up and down in a nighty in another. 10 BEASTS Lots of zombie action, including kid zombies. 7.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Night of the Comet”

Before Arnold was flexing his muscle with his maid service and blowing up state budgets as governor, he was blowing up bad guys on the big screen. In Total Recall Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a guy who seems to have a great life jack hammering concrete during the day and hammerin’ Sharon Stone at night. Despite the daily grind, Doug is looking for more out of life and has been having reoccurring dreams about trips to Mars and getting his eyes sucked out of their sockets from decompression. Sounds like fun, so instead of taking a vacation he decides to have the memories of a fake trip to Mars implanted into his giant noggin’ by Rekall, Inc. Things go wrong when the implant doesn’t take and the company has to dump Doug in a robot taxi. Unfortunately his co-workers show up and try to kill him with some post-modern uzis but Arnie snaps their necks like they’re democrat fund raisers. Back at his house, he has a knife fight with his wife for not bringing home eggs and milk and narrowly escapes from a group of thugs led by Michael Ironside. After a brief nasal probing, Doug takes a ship to Mars to find out the secrets of his identity. In the planet’s red light district he teams up with a hooker turned martian revolutionary who likes slapping him around like Ike Turner and she leads him to Kuato, a munchkin martian attached to some slouches stomach. Kuato reads Doug’s memories learning he can free Mars and it’s colonists by activating a mysterious reactor inside a martian temple. It’s theorized it will melt a giant glacier inside a mountain resulting in the planet’s biggest slushy. Doug uses holograms and semi automatics against the evil corporate baron and his goon squad who have cut off oxygen to the mutants. If only he tried the same thing with California. Barry Goodall reminds you to check it out and always wrap a wet towel around your head before getting your butt to Mars.

Roadside Attractions:

- exploding heads
- extreme nasal probes
- triple-breasted martians
- eye bulging
- dwarf with machine guns
- robot cab drivers
- rat shooting
- multiple head shots
- tummy baby mutants
- drill to the gut
- hologram shooting

A greasy guy in a loin cloth fights dinosaurs, purple cavemen and rock em’ sock em’ robots in Yor: The Hunter from the future. Action crap extrodinaire Steve Banton stars as Yor in one of the few films where the ending is actually given away in the title. Yor is a meat headed weight trainer who may actually be the first post apocalyptic redneck that doesn’t drive a firebird. He’s out frolicking in the desert when he finds some cave people getting attacked by a paper machete setgasuaurus and we all know how vicious plant eaters can be. After a few tucks and rolls and a stone axe to the noggin’ he calls a touchdown, drinks the dino’s blood and tells everyone to gather “the choice cuts of meat.” Yor only eats free range dinosaur meat.

One of the survivors is a woman named Kala who dresses in fur bikinis and likes dumb doughy guys in golden mullets. She wants to get busy with Yor, so she takes him back to their village where she shakes her money maker at a dino-death party. This seems to only confuse Yor’s pea sized brain and attracts some purpled faced caveman that attack that kidnap everyone including Yor’s new squeeze. They throw him off a cliff by which he miraculously survives with only a few minor scraps and bruises so he and the old sweaty guy hand glide into the purple guys home cave with a gigantic dead bat. Yor kung-fu kicks some cavemen in the crotch and then floods the cave with river water killing as many woman and children possible just before rescuing Kala. He hates anyone that he can easily bench press. They head up river on a boat strapped together with some hemp rope hoping maybe there’s a grateful dead concert upstream and are captured by some sand people wrapped in oily rags roasting marshmallows.

The sand people take them to their leader, Rowa a pretty young blonde who also wears a giant rapper medallion identical to Yors. She’s been baby-sitting some astronauts who’ve been trapped in ice in the caves making astro-slushies. After avoiding a decapitation and fighting some more sand people off, Yor invites Rowa on the trip with them to try to discover the secret of his origins. Sadly Rowa gets killed by more purple cavemen who show up after a brief cat fight she has with Kala. It ends all too quickly and with no mud or lime jello.

Yor gets the smack down on another dinosaur attacker whose survivors take him to yet another village. It felt like the movie might actually be starting over again, but then some spaceships show up and start blasting everyone in the village. Yor seems to have that luck. After the carnage, Yor

promises to avenge their death by sailing on a boat made of wicker and bat guano to the island where the attackers came from. They get stun zapped by slow moving robots and guys that look like sting dressed in teflon jumpsuits. The island is run by a dark overlord whose plan is to have Yor and Kala breed with his new cyborgs to create a new master race and a whole lotta akward after sex small talk.  Yor is helped to escape by a temp worker there where he joins a resistance against the cyborgs in their basement furnace room. Guard rails are a plenty to toss robots over. There’s a nuclear reactor and a robot caveman battle with lasers, trapeze acts and somewhere a guy in a cloak is impaled with a barber shop pole. That pretty much sums er’ up. Barry Goodall says it’s worth checking out if ya got a hankerin’ for communal living and sweaty old guys on hemp rafts..but then again you’re probably already a dang dirty hippie.

impromptu trapeze acts bat hand gliding high beam hand glow crystal balls with premium cable death by barber pole weenie roast attacks dinosaur rodeos astronauts on ice rock em sock em robots dino blood energy drinks extreme theme music	3 BLOOD Mostly from paper machet dinosaurs. 6 BREASTS Cleavage is plentiful but is mostly covered by fur and giant medallions. I blame PETA. 9 BEASTS Dinosaurs, purple cavemen, giant bats and robots. It’s like a kid’s toy box got dumped out all over this movie. 6.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Yor: The Hunter from the Future”

Do you like movies about sweaty, shirtless guys punching space aliens? Then Arena (1989, dir. Peter Manoogian) is the flick for you. If not, well, then yer on the wrong website, friend. I’m sure Martha Stewart has somethin’ about puttin’ glitter on pinecones over on her site.

Take Rocky and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (or Babylon 5 if you prefer), toss ‘em in a blender and you pretty much have Arena. On a space station populated with humans and aliens, a human short order cook, Steve Armstrong, dreams of fighting in the station’s popular slugfest.

Now, let’s back up a bit. Our hero, a fighter, is named Steve Armstrong. Get it? That would be like naming Tom Cruise’s character in Days of Thunder, Cole Driveswell, or Roy Scheider in Jaws, Chief Martin Kantswim.

But, given that Steve Armstrong, played by Christopher Reeve clone Paul Satterfield, looks and acts more or less like a poor man’s Flash Gordon, the name works. This is not a serious epic about the tests and trails of a fighter, like in say The Fighter (starring the Batman and Marky Mark). Nah, this is an excuse for a guy to punch a bunch of alien puppets. Need another example? Steve’s best buddy is a short alien guy with four arms, named, of course, Shorty. This film does not take itself seriously, and I mean that in a good way.

It is worth noting that this here flick features plenty of folks from both Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5—science fiction TV shows about life on a space station. Both o’ these shows came a few years after Arena, so maybe we have this flick to thank for a pair of classic science-fiction shows. Or it just helped them all get another job. Typecasting, y’know? Kind of like how Don S. Davis played a fair share of military guys, or how Clint Eastwood never plays anyone who smiles.

Arena starts out with Steve picking a fight with some kinda fish man. Reminds me of the time I tried fishing for catfish barehanded. Steve’s throws and ‘bo’s grabs the eye of a fighter trainer, played by B5’s Claudia Christian, and he gets his wish: to be the first human in 50 years to fight in the titular arena.

But, all ain’t cheery in the arena. A shady fight promoter fixes fights and rules the roost. His henchman, DS9’s Armin Shimerman (once again in full makeup), ain’t too nice neither. Steve fights his way through alien after alien as he works his way to the top of the rankings—and yes, we are treated to a mandatory montage.

Hijinks and shady business plague Steve as he works his way up to the championship fight, but you pretty much know how this one is gonna end. Arena does have a neat plot device in the form of the Handicapper—a machine that averages out the strength between the two fighters. This comes in handy when one fighter is a scrappy human, and the other is some sort of horned cyborg-lizard with a welded on codpiece. Yeah.

The real charm of Arena lies in its alien makeup effects. And, thankfully, some of the aliens ain’t yer basic humanoid shape neither. One of Steve’s first fights is against some kind of large-space grasshopper thing. It is a sight to behold, and makes the flick worth a watch on its own. They don’t make ‘em like this no more. A bit of trivia, Hollywood voice over legend, Frank Welker, provides voices for some, if not all, of the aliens Steve fights.

Tiger says, while Arena is predictable with its underdog fighter plot, it is fun and the makeup effects are great reminder of what movies were like before the overuse of CGI and motion-capture. Give it a peep, and play the Count the Star Trek/B5 Actors Drinking Game.

Puppet Punching Alien Punching Poor Customer Service Food Throwing Fourhanded Cooking Fourhanded Massages Gold Shorts Cyborg Codpieces Exploding Skulls Hologram Dancing Girls Future Star Trek Actors Future Babylon 5 Actors

2 BLOOD While there is plenty of fighting, mostly punching and the like, there is little blood on screen. Sure, Steve bleeds a bit here and there, but it is nothing major. 1 BREASTS We don’t see any full on naked boobies, but we get close a couple times, and Steve’s dream girl has some low cut dresses. 10 BEASTS Yes, Arena is lacking a bit in the first two categories, but it piles on the aliens with puppets, body suits and some great makeup effects—especially for a straight to video movie. 4.3 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Arena”