Archive for the '80's b-movies' Category

Jan

posted by Doktor | January 21, 2013 | 80's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, Cult Film, Review by Doktor

Tagline: Survival the ultimate test…

Year: 1987 Runtime: 120 min

Director: Y.K. Kim & Woo-Sang Park

Writer: Y.K. Kim

Starring: Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch and Joseph Diamand

Are old enough to remember the 80’s? If so, welcome to generation existential. Oh, and you can skip the next paragraph unless you just want to walk down memory lane. If not, let me set the scene for you that is the back drop to Miami Connection.

Florida in Movies/TV circa1980s

Playing for the bad guys there’s Cuban refugee Tony Montana running llello (that’s cocaine to you and me) in Scarface. On the good guy side there’s Sunny Crockett, Ricardo Tubbs, Martin Castillo and the rest of the united colors of the Miami Vice taking out the trash. Burger King was still leading the world in Whopper sales. Walt Disney started programming the robot Mickey Mouse death squads on the much less expensive, yet far more user friendly Commodore 64.

As accurate as these depictions of Florida are, they are sadly lacking in the darkest secret of Florida during the 80s. To this day it is still only mentioned in hushed tones, but that whisper is a lion’s roar compared to the previous silence surrounding this plague. The plague of the Ninja.

For a millennia Florida was the mecca for the Ninja. Not just any old run-of-the-mill ninja. These are extraordinary ninjas, specialized like their brethren the Tree Ninja, Cave Ninja, Beach Ninja, Teams that form Giant Ninja, Topless Female Ninja, etc. These are the Miami Motorcycle Ninja (MMN) otherwise known as Llello Ninja. They power was so great, their vengeance so swift and frightening, that it took master martial artist Y.K. Kim to bring their evil into the public consciousness.

It took Angelo Janotti, master guitarist, to bring the fight against the Ninja onto the charts and into the hottest discotheques. But don’t take my word for it. Download the tracks, “Against the Ninja” and “Friends,” for free here.

The story follows a band of friends, Mark (Y.K. Kim), John (Vincent Hirsch), Jack (Joseph Diamand), Jim (Maurice Smith), Tom (Angelo Janotti) and Jane (Kathy Collier). By day they’re mild mannered college students, by night synth rock gods, Dragon Force. Both diurnally and nocturnally (as needed) guardians of peace with black belts in Tae Kwon Do. As you can easily guess, Florida (and possibly the world) is not big enough for Dragon Force and Llello Ninja.

Much ass is kicked.

Before you write this off as just another mindless action film, know this: it’s not! A subplot involves Jim, who has been looking for his father. It is more heart wrenching than Oliver Twist, Little Orphan Annie and Quick, Burn Them Alive: The Nelson Brothers Story combined. If you’re not moved by Jim’s story you’re some sort of heartless monster. Or a Llello Ninja.

I can say no more. Words will only fail to capture the majesty of this film and I shan’t be responsible for ruining it for you.

roadside attractions

  • Coca Cola shirts
  • Half shirts & short shorts (on dudes)
  • Mullets
  • Headbands
  • Synth rock band singing about Ninjas
  • Programming in basic
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

One word: Ninjas.

5

blood

BREASTS

Actually, there’s no breasts. But, for some reason, Jim can’t seem to button his pants when he’s at home. So, I’m giving it a five because this movie has a little something for the ladies.

10

beast

BEASTS

Technically, there are no beasts. But there are Llello Ninja, and they are twice as bad as any beast.

8.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Dead City” aka “Legion of the Night”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 9, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Audio Review, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Podcast

Join the Lost Highway mutant gang ( Giallo Goon,Barry Goodall, The Doktor, and Die-Anne Takillya) as they discuss the 1987 beefy Jon Mikl Thor’s cheese flick Rock n’ Roll Nightmare. Listen with the player below, or use the Download link to save a copy of the MP3 to your computer.

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Available in iTunes

Dec

Remo Williams The Adventure Begins

Remo, that name sure wouldn’t strike fear in the heart of criminals. it’s not really a manly name like a Chuck or Arnold or even a Stone Cold Austin. It’s more like something you would name your old Camaro. “I think the Remo is burning some oil, might need to replace the headers. No Suzie, you can’t wear my Van Halen shirt or you might curse the band to break up.” But sadly Remo is the name of our hero in 1985’s “Remo Williams: The adventure begins.” What was originally based on a series of action novels would have likely been the kick off to a successful b-movie franchise if it wasn’t for the fact that A. Nobody saw it and B. It made no money. I blame Reagonomics. It’s too bad since It’s actually a pretty decent flick. You just have to get pass the dang 80’s montage music and bad Asian stereotypes.

Remo Williams The Adventure BeginsOfficer Samual Macon is out on patrol when he gets into a brawl with some street punks chasing each other in the alley, but they’re simply no match for his manly mustache and trusty 2×4. After a brutal rumble, He settles back in his patrol car for some day old burgers but his car gets rear-ended over the pier. “No, someone please save my burgers!’ then it’s mostly just gurgling and gasping for air.

Macon awakes later in a hospital having his face altered by plastic surgery. They actually just shaved off his mustache and gave him a hair cut and some new clothes making him unrecognizable. It’s like face/off through extreme makeover. Agent MacClearly is waiting in the room like a creeper who tells Macon that he’s been recruited into a secret government agency and that his name is now Remo, appropriately named after cabana boys everywhere. Mac takes Remo to meet the head hancho of the organization Mr Smith, played by Wilfred “Quaker Oats” Brimley. He tells him that his old life is over now and soon he’ll be snipping corrupt CEO’s and evil politicians for a living. Plus, he’ll get great medical and dental coverage if he ever catches the “diabetes.”

Remo Williams The Adventure BeginsFor his first mission Remo has to try to assassinate a small korean man name Chiun at a nearby apartment. Not an easy task as Chiun moves like a caffeinated spider monkey that can dodge bullets or render you paralyzed with a single finger punch. After a humiliating defeat McClearly reveals that Chiun is going to be the guy responsible for training Remo as a deadly assassin despite thinking he moves like a pregnant baboon. Remo is forced to move in with Chiun where he’s trains by jumping across obstacle courses and dodging Chiun’s random pistol shots at breakfast. At night Remo relaxes with some fingerboard exercising and enriched white rice while Chiun watches soap operas. Yeah, it’s just like the odd couple only with gun play.

Meanwhile in what feels like an entirely separate A-team episode, a military accountant Major Flemming (Kate Mulgrew) discovers that an evil CEO is part of a a corrupt weapons procurement program. Please, as if that would ever happen today. She brings it up during a press conference but nobody seems to listen despite her being a star trek captain. But the CEO, Mr. Grove, begins to feel the heat and sends out some goons to keep tabs on her.

Remo is sent in to investigate Mr. Grove, but a henchman tracks him down at the statue of liberty where some paid-off construction worker try to beat him up with lead pipes. Union workers are no match for Remo’s new made-for-tv moves so he easily escapes with some light gymkata and face punching. Later, Remo and MacClearly sneaks into Grove’s research laboratory where they bump into some circus trained dobermans who pull down fire escapes and walk tight ropes and all without the aid of Russian acrobat music. Remo barely escapes but MacClearly gets his fake armed ripped off by one of the mutts then gets shot in the back. I bet he was only 2 weeks away from retirement too!

Remo wanting revenge, infiltrate the military proving grounds where Mr. Grove is using his procured weapons of mass distraction. He traps Remo and Major Flemming in a sealed room where the only way he can escape is by scrapping a bad guy’s diamond encrusted tooth against the glass. Remo decides to ride a hanging log over the forest (not a euphemism) and do some dance moves to dodge Mr. Groves gunshots then torching him in his army jeep. The military try to arrest Remo but he escapes on a jet boat with Chiun riding shotgun like a happy puppy in a car window. Which never really answers the question “What is weapon procurement” and “Does Wilford Brimley really have the diabetes?”

Barry Goodall says let your adventure begin… and end with Remo Williams but don’t forget to finish your training montage and pack some extra Quaker Oats. It’s the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

roadside attractions

  • Tom Selleck fake mustaches
  • Bullet dodging
  • Laser attack
  • Amputee cat burglar
  • Running on water
  • Ferris wheel kung-fu training

  • Construction worker hitmen
  • Log riding
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Very little except for a few nose bleeds

1

blood

BREASTS

Well, Remo is kinda a big boob

1

beast

BEASTS

The henchman is bordering on human but only barely. Also a fake mustache that almost appears to be alive.

7.8 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer from “Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins”

trailers

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Nov

Class of Nuke Em' High

Listen, I’m all for alternate energy sources….wind, solar, hydro, trapped souls, heck even moon shine will run my lawn mower, but let’s just take nuclear off the table ok? IT’S NUCLEAR. It’s a little atomic bomb that never stops exploding and if there’s one thing b-movies taught us is that nuclear and nature don’t mix. We’ve already seen swarms of radioactive ants and giant spiders attacking teenagers making out in convertibles. All this just because they took a little roll in some radioactive goop, and what about that so called “Amazing Colossal Man?” Yup, nuclear blast made him grow 60ft., lose all his hair and now he has to wear a giant diaper! Oh the humiliation, and let’s not forgot Godzilla, the first nuclear powered pet lizard. I say keep nuclear where it’s safe, in flying Deloreans and missile defense systems.

class of nuke em highSpeaking of going ballistic. We’re heading back to school with  “”Class of Nuke Em’ High.” It’s the heart warming tale of what happens when nuclear power meets teenage love and what to do with mutant sewer babies. Tromaville High School sits conveniently next to a nuclear power plant where the class motto is reading, writing and radiation but after a minor plant accident some atomic stew seeps into the water supply and makes the students go nuts-o. A rabid geek starts spewing green goo and tosses himself through a window to end up a puddle on the sidewalk while the school is being over run by former honor students who call themselves “the Cretins.” They’re a bunch of Mad Max rejects who sport gymnastic size nose rings and sell radioactive marijuana to maintain their hair gel supply. Warner the class putz, and his dizzy girlfriend Chrissy try some of the weed at a indoor pool party and  proceed to do the horizontal mamba without a safety net. In the after glow, Warner fantasizes he has an 8 ft. tent pole in his pants. The kind they warn about in those viagra ads and Chrissy dreams that her belly is blowing up like jiffy pop but it turns out she really is pregnant with a baby tadpole that she spits out in the toilet. Why didn’t they show these types of films in those abstinence classes?

class of nuke em highThe mutant tadpole travels through the basement pipes and lands in a barrel full of radioactive waste where it grows into a giant gooey porcupine. Warren whose been thinking a lot about baseball is hormone raging and is sporting some bad acne. He takes out some of his frustration by throat punching a few Cretins who just smacked down a grandma crossing the street. Meanwhile, some shmucks in devo-radiation suits show up with gigercounters to get their arms gnawed off by the basement mutant. Chrissy is taken hostage by the surviving Cretins back at the school where Warren fights them on motorcycles. The monster decapitates a few just for the kicks (extreme hallway safety monitoring!) Warren rescues Chrissy from it’s tentacles and shoots it in the eye with it with a makeshift laser gun resulting in a psychedelic laser light meltdown. Pink Floyd music not included. Most of the faculty are dead but at least the students will get a nice extended summer vacation while the radioactivity hangs around for the next 200 years or so.

Barry Goodall says go enroll for Class of Nuke Em’ High. It may end up killing you on the inside but you’ll glow on the outside.

roadside attractions

  • Geek melting
  • Crotch smashing
  • Atomic weed
  • Heads roll
  • Upchucking mutant tadpoles
  • 25 gallons of green goo
  • Punk Hitler on motorcycle
  • Mutant porcupine impalement
  • Urinal-fu
  • Tentacle-palooza
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

More green goo than blood but we’ll count it.

9

blood

BREASTS

It’s Troma. It’s required.

9

beast

BEASTS

mutant tadpoles, porcupines, raging radioactive teens and honor students.

9.1 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer from “Class of Nuke Em’ High”

trailers

dripper
Nov

posted by Tiger Sixon | November 1, 2012 | 80's b-movies, Action, Cult Film, Horror movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

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galaxy of terror

Before Aliens, you had Alien. But, after Alien and still before Aliens, you had Galaxy of Terror, a doozy of an early 1980s sci-fi b-movie. If this Roger Corman produced space screamer looks like Aliens test footage, there is a good reason: Aliens director James Cameron worked on production design early in his career.

Yep. Mr. Titanic himself helped give Galaxy of Terror its signature look, and had no problem usin’ some of the same tricks on Aliens. And it is the production design and special effects what make Galaxy of Terror look fancier than it really is, like when I wear a shirt with sleeves.

galaxy of terror.

Even the plot is very similar to Aliens. Galaxy of Terror is basically Aliens before Aliens was Aliens: A hot shot rescue team travel to a far away planet to look for survivors. And like in Aliens, hilarity ensues. By which I mean terrible, gruesome deaths at the hands of slimy creatures.

The cast is noteworthy too, as it stars pre-Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Kruger, Joanie from Joanie Loves Chachi, Laura Palmer’s Mom from Twin Peaks, Zalman “Red Shoes” King, Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and last but not least, Sid Haig.

The intrepid team succumbs to beasts/things/whatevers generated by their deepest fears (which Freddy Kruger fans should enjoy). Sometimes it is a slimy monster pulling someone to their doom, other times it is Sid Haig cutting his own arm off (always a plus in any b-movie). And other times, it is Taaffe O’Connell being stripped and humped to death by a giant worm.

Yep, the WTF Factor is pretty dang high in this one.

Like any great b-movie, Galaxy of terror has a little bit of everything: zombies, exploding heads, chest lasers, severed limbs, even Scooby-Doo sound effects. You name it, it is probably here.galaxy of terror.

The beauty of Galaxy of Terror is, you never know what it is going to throw at ya next, kinda like when my third wife would get into my stash of bathtub gin. Galaxy of Terror is a well-made b-movie, which is a rarity, and is worth tracking down. Tiger says, give this one a watch and enjoy the crazy ride.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws comics and writes humor for Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Lots of Switches
  • Space Zombies
  • Brains
  • Severed Limbs
  • Exploding Heads
  • Chest Lasers
  • Glowing Faces
  • Giant Worms
  • Spaceships
  • Legs as Seat Belts
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

This movie is a blood bath. People die in all kinds of crazy ways.

9

blood

BREASTS

It takes awhile, but when they show up, they don’t stop.

10

beast

BEASTS

Many different, strange creatures go after our heroes. It is like an alien zoo!

9.7 OVERALL
dripper
Scare Bears
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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>