Archive for the '80’s b-movies' Category

Dec

posted by Doktor | December 25, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The First Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The First Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Billy became a serial killer because of Santa Claus. That’s right, good old Saint Nick drove Billy bug nut crazy. Well, sort of. Really it was Billy’s family. Had the family not taken a trip to the nut house to visit Grandpa life would have played out differently.

It is believed that holidays are about spending quality time with family. This is a recipe for tragedy. Don’t do it. Family is horrible. Why subject yourself to that nightmare? Stay at home, safe and sound in your pjs, snacking on peppermint sticks and watching the late, late, late movie!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Second Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 1, 2016 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn

Metalstorm Main Image

In 1979 George Miller changed the dystopian future. Before Mad Max, dystopian movies were overly cerebral sci fi with nihilistic endings—stories that made you want to shoot yourself. Suicide was not to avoid a dismal fate, but to avoid suffering another God awful movie. Now almost all dystopia are set in a desert that’s inhabited by filthy, blood-thirsty circus freaks driving metal monstrosities.

One of the many Mad Maxploitation films is Charles Band’s Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. I happened upon it in a carwash dollar bin. Though it was priced twice what it’s worth, I needed something for this month’s walk thru. So, fasten your safety belts and keep a sharp lookout for roaming bands of ravagers, we’re going back to the dark times, 1983.

The movies opens with unnecessarily rousing and patriotic music over the opening credits.

Easy-Breezy LeatherCut to a desert wasteland. Civilization has devolved into a Mad Max dystopia. Our hero, Max Man, roams the dirt roads and rock quarries in his metal minivan, the Mad Max Mobile. Max Man is all over the road. He’s swerving worse than a Kennedy after cocktails. Thankfully the Mad Max Mobile is equipped with enough blifnar and random levers to stay on the road. Not being a spastic driver would work too, but bleeps and flashing lights add production value, and this movie needs all the help it can get.

Max Man makes a gratuitous stop. He removes his helmet and opens his door. Ostensibly he does so in order to receive a communication from Ranger Station, but really it’s so we can get a look at him—and what an eye full. Dirty blond hair from all road film. His skin is shiny from sweat and grease. All this wrapped tight in black leather, which was originally tan. A man’s man in this desolate world. A crack whore anywhere else.

Ranger Command warns Max Man he’s outside the safe zone. Also communications are spotty because of interference from the crystal fields. But most importantly, Max Man’s girlfriend feels they should start seeing other people.

Distracted by the news of his darling’s lost love, Max Man completely misses the Scary Krishna peering from a nearby cliff. (Scary Krishnas are half Tusken Raider, half Hare Krishna, with half their face scabbed over making them half cyclops.) When he drives on, the Scary Krishna pursues Max Man on his hover bike. There’s a moderately expensive looking chase scene, with laser burlets, which is abruptly cut short when a cliff wall sneaks up on the Scary Krishna. Hover bikes don’t respond well to sudden, violent stops. In this case the hover bike blowed up.

Max Man goes through the wreckage and finds a mysterious red crystal.

Meanwhile, in a crystal mine, Blondie and Greystache the Father are hard at work mining for crystals. Crystals are… they do… something, which makes them valuable. Thus far (in life) Greystache has been useless in unearthing any. That’s about to change though. Today he just knows there’s going to be some in this abandoned mine.

Blondie and Greystache use advanced Ghostbusters-styled blinky technology. And, surprise! Blondie uncovers a giant clear crystal. Greystache is so excited that he almost drops the florescent light he was using to bore solid rock. They’re rich. Life is good again. They won’t have to put the cat down because the can’t afford to feed him. Instead, they can euthanize the little bastard because they don’t like him. Hell, there will be enough money to get that personality transplant for Greystache’s frigid wife. Joy and exultation!

Naturally the Scary Krishnas show up and wreck things.

Here comes the AirplaneLeading them is Erik Destro, the bastard offspring of the Phantom of the Opera and Laird James McCullen Destro XXIV. He squirts hallucijuice from his metal arm on Greystache. The hallucijuice burns through Greystache’s coveralls, seeps into his skin, and sends him on a freaky vision trip to Jared-Syn. (Jared-Syn is the local villain. He’s got a British accent so he is also a magician or Jeti or something.) Jared-Syn harshes Greystache’s mellow by touching a red crystal to his neck. The crystal must have been really cold because Greystache tenses up then falls over dead.

Jump cut: Max Man drives up just in time to miss the Scary Krishnas completely. (Well played, sir.) Blondie, watching from her hiding spot just inside the mine, sees Max Man walk up to investigate Greystache’s dead body. Despite everything she’s witnessed, i.e. everything that’s happened, she’s furious and ambushes Max Man at gunpoint. She actually asks what he has done to Greystache.

Now that Greystache is dead, and the expensive crystal they found destroyed, Blondie has nothing left. She exercises her prerogative as the damsel in distress to hitch up with Max Man. (Ooooo! Sorry, dude. Should have kept driving.) Completely emasculated, Max Man capitulates quietly.

After an info-dump bit of exposition and planning, their first stop is to see Merchant Man, the crystal specialist. He can tell them more about the mysterious red crystal. Max Man ponders the possibility that Merchant Man might be a spot to dump Blondie, and the Del Taco had for lunch.

Vamanos!

Over at Camp Scary Krishna, Jared-Syn feels a new disturbance in the Farze: Max Man and Blondie. Together they are strong, or something. This is bad. Probably. To ease his foul mood he uses a red crystal on some poor shmuck. Jared-Syn brags he is doing this for the Brotherhood of Scary Krishnas. Really it is just an opportunity to monologue about the red crystals for the audience. To wit, they’re Ruby Crystals of Death that collect the Life Farze of the people they touch, which… does something.

Anyhoo, Jared-Syn hands out Ruby Crystals of Death to some of the brothers to collect more Life Farze. (For the weekend’s big Jamboree, maybe?)

Over in Merchant Cave, Merchant Man (a Rent-A-Center Boss Hog) inspects Max Man’s red crystal. After shooting it with a couple different L.I.B.s (laser inquisitation burlets), he discovers the red crystal is a Ruby Crystal of Death. Ruby Crystals of Death collect the Life Farze of the people they touch. Neat. Deja Vu. We already knew this from the Camp Scary Krishna scene just a minute ago, so thanks for nothing.

Now Max Man knows Jared-Syn’s secret plan: collect Life Farze and… something. (Profit?) Max Man absolutely has to find Jared-Syn, but where could he be? Whoa! Guess what? Merchant Man knows a guy at Camp Gypsy who was a Ranger like Max Man back in the old days. Surely He’ll know Camp Scary Krishna’s location. Probably.

Vamanos!

Liver & Onion KissBefore heading out, Max Man tries to abandon Blondie but she’s having none of it. She’s a strong 80s womern. Plus she slept with the producer so… suck it up, Max Man, you’re stuck with her.

Quick aside: someone in the production crew had an uncle who owned a junk yard. Because of this there were plenty of junker vehicles to make up the fleet of scrap metal Scary Krishna Kludge Mobiles (SKKM). What would a Mad Maxploitation film be without all the metal monstrosities, right? So it was only a matter of time before Max Man and Blondie were going to be ambushed by a pack of roving Scary Krishnas lead by Erik Destro.

Time for a crash up derby.

Expendable Scary Krishnas are driven off of cliffs, and explode, or run into dirt walls, and explode, or just explode.

Unbelievably, two SKKMs manage to not explode. They cut off the Mad Max Mobile at the pass. How they managed do so doesn’t matter. What does matter is, rather than just drive around (there is plenty of room), Max Man stops and jumps out. Blondie, too.

Under the cover of nothing, Max Man and Blondie manage to avoid getting hit in the shoot out. On the other side, several Scary Krishnas, safely protected behind and/or inside their vehicles, are picked off like rabbits staked to the ground. Before the Scary Krishnas rout, Erik Destro squirts hallucijuice on Max Man.

Cut to later that night. Blondie is cuddling Max Man. Her lap has Mystical Rejuvenation Powers +2. This buff has thus far kept Max Man from totally tripping balls. Unfortunately he was hit with concentrated hallucijuice. This formula is so strong it not only pulls Max Man into the freaky vision trip to Jared-Syn, but Blondie too.

Good thing. Remember, together they are strong. When Jared-Syn grabs Max Man, Blondie’s lap’s kung fu grip holds him in place. Granted, Jared-Syn could have used the Ruby Crystal of Death on them both, but that would have ended the movie right there. There’s still another 50 minutes of runtime to go, so don’t think about that.

Think about this insead: Max Man starts coming down, bringing both himself and Blondie back to reality, but Jared-Syn refuses to be beaten. He uses his teleportation power to steal Blondie. Yoink!

Wait. What?!?

Jared-Syn has the power to teleport people? I could forgive not using the Ruby Crystal of Death, but all this time Jared-Syn could have teleported one, or both, right into Camp Scary Krishna?

Shenanigans! Charles Band is just screwing with us.

But the Grade-A bull plops don’t stop there. Without the protection of Blondie’s Mystical Rejuvenation Powers +2, Max Man will be easy prey for Jared-Syn’s Blue Crystal Creature.

Crystal PokemonWhat’s a Blue Crystal Creature (BCC)? A BCC is the rarest of Pokémon. It is immune to laser burlets AND medium to large sized rocks—thrown, hurled, or tossed. They are easily teleported directly where needed, not just deployed within one’s throwing distance. This is a huge plus for Jared-Syn as he throws like a right-handed sissy using his left hand. Best of all, they have a groovy, blue electrical discharge that’s just swell.

Unfortunately the top speed of the BCC is comparable to a Romero zombie (circa Night of the Living Dead) or a Bela Lugosi vampire. This gives Max Man plenty to time to work out what to do. Just as the BCC is upon him, he shoots the ground opening up one of the many fresh spring veins. Desert fresh spring veins are quite numerous, contrary to popular belief, and are the one weakness of the BCC. When the BCC steps in the crisp and refreshing puddle it dies. Because…

Just because! Don’t pester Metalstorm with your damnable logic.

Back at Camp Scary Krishna, Jared-Syn has completely forgotten about the BCC. He has more pressing matters, namely villain monologuing at Blondie about his big crystal. He stores all the Life Farze in his big crystal. He even lets her touch it. (I get the distinct feeling there’s something more to this dialogue.) After all that Jared-Syn is tired and lights a cigarette, satisfied he’s still the shiz. Between drags on his Kool he realizes his BCC hasn’t returned. No matter. He sends Erik Destro to kill Max Man, because it worked out so well the first time.

Elsewhere, Max Man finds Camp Gypsy. Before heading in he stops the Mad Max Mobile, exits, and takes a celebratory drink of water. Because… Who knows? At this point anything goes so long as it runs down the clock. In my headcanon he does this because it is always best to get out and drink your water in the hot desert sun, particularly before entering a strange Gypsy town. You never know what kind of street urchins will attach themselves to you as the “outsider.” As stupid as that sounds, the instant Max Man sets foot in the camp he is beset by the children. They’ve never seen a real life Ranger. Well, except for Hans Olo, the “guy” Max Man is there to find, but…

SHUT UP!

Max Man finds Hans Olo in the Rent-A-Center Mos Eisley bar. Here the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy is the name of the Kenny Chesney tribute band, not a description of the denizens. Actually, they are a nice lot, even if they are in need of serious orthodontics.

Time for some machismo blustering.

Max Man and Hans Olo size up one another’s bonafides. Hans Olo is an old school Ranger: Drunk Class—grumpy and not in it for your revolution, sister. Max Man is a new school Ranger: Metal Shinguards Class—tight leather and all man.

Okay… That killed a few minutes.

Though they’re sort of in the middle of a conversation, Max Man leaves to investigate a noise outside. The townies captured a Scary Krishna and have roughed him up. Max Man saunters over to get a better look at the Scary Krishna. He reminds Max Man of a guy he went to high school with. Turns out he’s not, but the townies aren’t happy all the same. They don’t cotton to no fancy Ranger and his big city educated friends.

Time for a Mexican standoff.

What the townies don’t know is Max Man is also a Ranger: Quick Draw McGraw Class. Max Man manages to shoot one townie. The other townie blasts Max Man’s gun from his hand. As he draws down on Max Man, Hans Olo, in a not-at-all surprising turn of heart, shoots the townie in the chest.

With a twirling flourish Hans Olo holsters his gun and grumbles, “You’re gonna be trouble.”

Aw! Now Max Man and Hans Olo are best friends. Time to head to Camp Scary Krishna.

Vamanos!

Cut to the Mad Max Mobile driving up on a small pond. It’s easy to drive around. Hell, it’s shallow enough to drive through. Yet because it’s in front of them, Max Man and Hans Olo get out and walk. They find a stone marker with a tree carved in it, which probably means something, but whatever. They keep on walking.

The fog is thick in this part of the desert, even in the hottest part of the day. This natural camouflage has helped the indigenous burrowing sand snakes infest the area. Sensing easy and mostly digestible prey, the sand snakes follow Max Man and Hans Olo a la Bugs Bunny burrowing his way to Albuquerque. The sand snakes close in while Max Man defiles a sacred Scary Krishna shrine. Inside he discovers the Crystal Face Shield. While distracted by it’s awesome stupidity the sand snakes strike.

To Max Man and Hans Olo’s benefit, the sand snakes’ gums are baby bottom soft. Max Man and Hans Olo are bitten repeatedly resulting in them both feeling relaxed. Mellowed, they almost give into the sand snakes’ Somnambulant Massage Attack. Remembering he is a man, and men don’t get massages from snakes (unless they’re homos), Max Man shoots one in the mouth. Showed them sneaky slack-jawed snakes who’s boss!

Bull the Scary Krishna WarlordBull Shannon, the Scary Krishna warlord, ambushes Max Man and Hans Olo as they flee the parlor of the sand snakes. Bull is impressed that they sullied the sacred Scary Krishna monument and retrieved the Crystal Face Shield. Yet they shot Fluffy, his beloved sand snake (right in the mouth, too!). This is too much of an outrage to ignore so he calls for koon-ut-kal-if-fee.

The fight proves to be less than impressive. After a few thrusts and parries, Max Man defeats Bull. He doesn’t kill Bull, despite viciously slashing at him with his ceremonial sai. (Scary Krishna keep the round barrel of their ceremonial sai razor smooth.)

Bull, being a mighty Scary Krishna warlord, craps his diaper and cries like a little baby. He’s happy Max Man spared his life. The tears are an ancient Scary Krishna tradition to save face. Thus he lets Max Man and Hans Olo leave in peace.

That is the way of a fearsome Scary Krishna warlord.

For some reason driving past the pond is now possible, so Max Man and Hans Olo continue on their journey. What they don’t realize is Erik Destro’s gang has bivouacked in the middle of the road a half mile from the pond. After crashing the party, literally, there’s lots of driving in circles through the camp, random camp debris crushed, Scary Krishnas running and shrieking, SKKMs rolling over and exploding. In other words, a typical Kappa Kappa Bro fraternity party at Stanford.

Having fulfilled the Three Stooges comedy bit of the film, there’s a proper car chase. Remember, the Scary Krishnas have a fleet of SKKMs to get through. So more wrecks, explosions, driving off of cliffs, explosions, and explosions. One of the Scary Krishnas is so excited he runs a fellow Krishna off a cliff. Yet another explosion. Yay!

The Scary Krishnas pull another blocking maneuver, because it worked out so well the first time. Max Man switches things up by jumping the cars, which is amazing considering there was no ramp nor KITT style turbo boost button in the Mad Max Mobile. Suddenly, because the scene called for it, the Mad Max Mobile has jump power. Yet more unfathomable is Erik Destro’s decision to unceremoniously drop the chase.

WHAT?!?

Hans Olo exclaims, “I’m getting to old for this stuff.” Indeed. Ten year old boys are too old for this stuff.

It’s right about now that Hans Olo notices that “not so fresh” feeling. Self conscious and cranky, he whinges on endlessly about not being able to find Camp Scary Krishna. Max Man stops at Blue Crystal Water Hole. Blue crystal water is great for flushing sand out of lady parts.

As Hans Olo freshens up, Max Man puts on the Crystal Face Shield ‘cos why not? This causes a vision trip. He’s naked in a cave. There’s a burning tree. He’s carrying an axe. Hey! Axes are used to chop trees. So he gives it a hard whack. The tree starts to bleed. Somewhere a Native American starts crying. If only Max Man had one of Hans Olo’s sanitary napkins.

As Max Man tries to understand his vision quest, Erik Destro walks up. Hans Olo takes a Scary Krishna star to the head, going down faster than Richard Simmons on a musical submarine. This is the last straw. Max Man can take no more. He has lost the girl (he didn’t want around anyway) and the guy (he just met). Having returned the same nothing he had at the beginning of the movie, Max Man finds a power he didn’t know he had. Max Man is the hero this dystopian world needs!

Max Man shoots up the Scary Krishnas, carefully saving his strength for Erik Destro. With a primal scream he rips off Erik Destro’s metal, hallucijuice-squirting arm. And scene.

While Max Man congratulates himself with an extra slice of cake from craft services, Erik Destro escapes. He’s too hurt to notice he is leaking hallucijuice. The trail is bright green and so obvious even Ray Charles could follow it, and he’s dead—and blind.

Cut to: night at Camp Scary Krishna. Erik Destro is worried that they’ve underestimated Max Man. Jared-Syn’s not troubled. They have the Red Crystals of Death. They have the giant crystal of Life Farze. They have the Scary Krishnas. And most of all, they have Blondie. She is the linchpin. She is the bait to lure Max Man into Jared-Syn’s trap of crystals and Life Farze and Scary Krishnas. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

Max Man struts into camp like it ain’t no thing, which I suppose it isn’t as he is met with no resistance. Not even a, “Hey!” Thusly embiggened, Max Man starts a battle of wits to win the hearts of the Scary Krishnas.

Max Man calls Jared-Syn a liar.

“Nuh-uh!” retorts Jared-Syn.

Stalemate.

So it comes down to an exchange of laser burlets. Max Man uses the Crystal Face Shield to deflect Jared-Syn’s palm lasers. Max Man only deflects a couple before Erik Destro knocks the Crystal Face Shield from his hands, shattering it in the soft sand of the desert floor. This awakens the bloodlust in the Scary Krishna. Well, in one Scary Krishna, Bull. He stabs Erik Destro in the duodenum, his Achilles heel, killing him instantly.

Jared-Syn disappears (yet another power just when he needs it) while all look around stupidly. Max Man snatches a hover bike. Where is he going? Who knows. Maybe he is making a run for it. He couldn’t be chasing Jared-Syn because he just vanished without a trace. So, whatever.

I'm Not Touching YouBecause Max Man is safety conscious, he straps on a Scary Krishna helmet before taking off. The helmet covers one of his eyes. (Head protection outweighs depth perception when you’re flying.) Only able to use one eye might totally jack with Max Man’s depth perception, but it allows him to see Jared-Syn. Or, that’s what I made up because the movie failed to explain what was happening. So…

Vamanos!

Now it’s day. There’s a lukewarm flying chase scene. Animating a good chase was more than the budget allowed. Besides they only needed a couple minutes to pad out the runtime.

Jared-Syn opens the Dark Portal of Set and escapes.

Thwarted, Max Man returns to Camp Scary Krishna. There he tells Bull about Jared-Syn’s escape. Max Man vows that he will follow wherever Jared-Syn goes. To affirm his resolve, he destroys the big crystal (which was the only way to open the Dark Portal of Set, but whatever).

Max Man and Blondie start walking home. Hans Olo drives up and gives them a ride into town. The end.

Hmm. Wait a minute. Isn’t this Metalstorm: the DESTRUCTION of Jared-Syn? Oh well. Nevermind.

The End.

roadside attractions

  • SEE! things come at the screen! Ooooo! 3D!
  • MARVEL! at the majestic papier-mâché shrines of the Scary Krishna!
  • HEAR! the anguished cries of souls lost in the Ruby Crystal of Death as Merchant Man tortures them further by shooting the crystal with lasers!
  • QUESTION! what the hell is going on because the movie doesn’t bother to explain what’s happening!
  • BE AMAZED! that a movie can have so much metal but rock less than Blue’s Clues!
totals

5 blood  

BLOOD

There’s a little in the koon-ut-kal-if-fe scene. There’s more hallucijuice, and that’s something, right?

0 blood  

BREASTS

None. Blondie’s high falutin’.

 

10 beast  

BEASTS

Scary Krishnas and burrowing sand snakes.

 

OVERALL 5
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Watch the trailer for “Metalstorm The Destruction of Jared-Syn”

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May

posted by Doktor | May 28, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Action, Fantasy, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Devil’s Sword

Ermahgerd I Are Died

Indonesia: home of Sumatra coffee, the Komodo Dragon, and Ratno Timoer, the man responsible for unleashing The Devil’s Sword upon the world. The first two Indonesians are proud to claim, the latter, eh… maybe not so much. See, The Devil’s Sword is a sword and sorcery film where the action is feet slapping, the special effects are blurry and cheap, and a man’s hair is business in the front and party in the back (see the trailer below). The Devil’s Sword is such an awesomely bad film that it was begging for a Lost Highway Walk Thru, and if that’s not grounds for disowning a person I don’t know what is. I mean, that trailer is insane, right?

If you didn’t just watch it, do so now. Seriously.

Now that you have an inkling what you’re in for, let’s get started.

Laser PalmsIn the beginning the sun sets somewhere in space, Master Grandpa sits zazen in his rock garden, and a blue meteorite hurtles through the void as meteorites are wont to do.

Master Grandpa is so good at meditating, or so relaxed from the dollar sake bombs at Sushi Sushi Sushi, that he does not notice the blue meteorite as it buzzes past. The resulting explosion does, however, break his concentration, or nap, or whatever it is he is doing in the garden.

Annoyed the blue meteorite has ruined his mellow and destroyed his garden, Master Grandpa collects the damnable thing and lugs it home. There he sets the space rock on fire and forges the burning mess into The Devil’s Sword.

As he pulls the mighty weapon from the fire the blade sparkles with the glory of a thousand gay pride parades. Yet surprisingly the red hot metal does not burn his fingers as he caresses its length. Perturbed, hungover, and likely dehydrated from the events of the evening, Master Grandpa snaps. In his rampage he destroys his hut in a pity party worthy of the most spoiled of sweet 16 birthday monsters, or the Hulk, whichever is statistically more devastating at this point in time.

That confusing mess out of the way, the movie cuts to a scene of a celebration, or rite-of-passage, or something. There are barely clothed villagers decked out in extravagant head dresses carrying lots and lots of palm frowns laden with fruit. As it turns out, it is Sacrifice Day. On Sacrifice Day a young man is offered to the “invisible” Crocodile Queen of the river. The ritual involves throwing the boy into the river where he is met by a group Crocodile Mans—Crocodile Queens half-man, half-crocodile, half man-bear-pig minions—who escort him to the Crocodile Queen’s Lair.

In other words, whichever young idiot The Village is most fed up with is sent to a horrible end. The old ways really are the best ways.

Cut to the Crocodile Queen’s lair. There is some groovy reversed film footage where the Crocodile Queen’s sash floats up and out of the water. Then, a minute later, she and her wenches follow.

Note: Invisible apparently means the exact opposite in Indonesia what it means in English because she is quite visible.

Anyhow, The Crocodile Queen’s sacrificial young stud is not put to death, rather, he is used for his youthful wiles. And not just him, all the previous “sacrifices” join in. You see, Crocodile Queen is a whore and she needs to get her ménage à many on.

Back at The Village, the villagers move on to the Festival of Lurv. There’s no sense in wasting the decorations, fire breather, and fruit from Sacrifice Day, right? The Festival of Lurv is the sanctified version of Sacrifice Day. At the center is the lovely couple Princess Peter the Pure and Sanjala the Son-in-Law who are getting married. Boy is it a sight to see! The Sword Swinger is swinging his sword. The Justice of the Peace is lighting joss sticks and shimmying rhythmically in the smoke. Everyone is happy.

Everyone but Crocodile Queen.

Ride RocksDespite getting her sacrifice only minutes earlier, Crocodile Queen is not amused. She cannot stand seeing someone else have their nuptials. So she summons Bob to stop the wedding, as only he is capable of such a task. And by that she means only he has the special parkour skill of kicking a boulder and then riding it into town, not his fighting skills. No fighting skills are needed to take The Village. Gandhi, after a month long fast, could take The Village, the villagers are such wimps. They go down faster than a crackhead working for a fix.

The only person in The Village who can hold her own is Princess Peter. She uses her impressive looking, but ultimately worthless, Umbrella Attack. She twirls the umbrella in Bob’s direction, who is blown back by the force of the wind it generates. She then throws the umbrella at him, missing by a mile. Weaponless and spent, she gets her butt handed to her.

The screaming villagers flee like extras in Godzilla films. Conveniently Mandella the Lesser (note the double L, not Mandela, the former President of South Africa), the hero, happens to be out on his afternoon horsey ride. Intrigued by all the commotion, Mandella investigates. Understandably he is disappointed to find it is only Bob attacking the village and not a giant Kaiju.

In a twist straight out of the standard playbook, it turns out that Bob and Mandella were Kung Fu students under the same master, Master. Bob is the evil one (duh!). Mandella is the good one (duher!). What’s more, Bob is not intrinsically evil, he only turned evil because Master loved Mandella best.

Bob’s no match for Mandella (duhest!), so he conjures up some Crocodile Mans to fight for him. They distract Mandella by throwing special reptile hair on him, tangling him up. Mandella is out of action just long enough for Bob to pimp slap Sanjala the Son-in-Law out cold and hop away with him. Literally he hops away.

Note: Hopping is the Indonesian equivalent of tea-bagging your opponent. Get thee to a burn unit, Mandella!

Bob delivers Sanjala the Son-in-Law to the Crocodlie Queen who partakes of Sanjala the Son-in-Law’s endowments, such as they are.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

Meanwhile, Master is crawling around on the ground outside his hut, bloody and broken. He calls telepathically to Mandella for help. Hearing Master’s call, Mandella races home. When he arrives he finds Master unconscious in a pool of his own blood. Deeply concerned for Master’s well being, Mandella proceeds to shake and sling him around like a rented, red-haired step-child. When Master tells Mandella he is dying from Poison of the Red Snake, which is really bad since it has a proper name, Mandella tosses him on the bamboo bed and makes a Taco Bell run.

In the Crocodile Lair, Crocodile Queen is getting some Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums in the fire pit. Her lurvin’ may be hot but no one gets burned.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

In Random Forest, Mandella gets the explosive mushroom to make tea for Master. Mandella is either trying to give Master a free life or give him one last trip before he dies. Considering that he plans to cut off Master’s legs to stop the poison from spreading, either, or more likely both, are the case. I write cut, but that’s not entirely correct. Mandella uses a hot sword to SAW off Master’s legs just below the knees. Then, as Master is shrieking in agony, Mandella scoops him up in a loving embrace determined to cuddle him back to health.

In a tender voice Master whimpers, “Mandella. Kill. Me.”

Unified Legion of EvilCut to later that evening and Master is all better now. Master recounts, i.e.has a flashback fight scene, to show what happened. In it we learn that all the evil warriors of the world, all four of them, have decided to fight together as the United Legion of All the Evil Warriors of the World.

Master tells Mandella the only way to defeat The ULAEWW is to get The Devil’s Sword from Devil’s Mountain. Also, he returns the terrible refrigerator art Mandella painted back in Kindergarten. Master is an old, legless cripple, and as such no longer has the will to pretend he values garbage. Plus he has never had, nor ever will have, a fridge to put it on anyway.

With a tear in his eye, Mandella heads off to Devil’s Mountain.

Mandella runs into Princess Peter along the way. The Village destroyed and all the villagers killed, she wants to go with Mandella. Unfortunately, Princess Peter is a woman and therefore not worthy of such exploits as Mandella has in front of him. Princess Peter does not take no for an answer. She does have to take being left in the dust as an answer because, on foot, she’s no match for Mandella on horseback. Or is she? A quick jump cut and Princess Peter’s not only caught up, but far enough ahead to cut Mandella off. Reluctantly, and because it’s in the script, he lets her join.

In the Crocodile Lair, Crocodile Queen uses her Bird Bath God Cam to track Mandella and Princess Peter. She realizes they are headed to the Mountain of Swords (previously Devil’s Mountain—whatever, it’s not like anyone is paying attention at this point). Crocodile Queen sends Bob to stop them, with her blessings. By blessings I mean they have the sexuals.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

In a stalling tactic to draw out runtime, Mandala and Princess Peter cannot get across the lake to the Mountain of Swords. The lake is, like, 200 feet across. So they stand there looking stupid until a ferry comes. The ferry’s pilot is a Rent-a-center Charon, which explains why they could not just swim, or walk, around the perimeter. Namely, Charon is production value.

Halfway across Lake Certain Death, Crocodile Mans attack. There is more groovy reverse footage action of the Crocodile Mans jumping onto the ferry. A lame fight ensues and even Charon gets in on the action. He uses a bamboo spear to impale a Crocodile Mans, which is interesting because the ferry has NOTHING on it. So where did he get the spear? The raft itself is made of bamboo suggesting he pulled one of the rods off, carved it to a point, and threw it into the Crocodile Mans. Yet there was not enough time for him to do so, no knife for him to use, nor are there any missing bamboo planks. Eh, whatever.

EwWhile Princess Peter, Mandella, and Charon are fighting Crocodile Mans, The ULAEWW take the quick root, i.e. walked around Lake Certain Death. At the mouth of the Devil’s Mountain of Swords the fraternity disintegrates. They decide to have a final battle to see who’s going to get The Devil’s Sword.

Aw! I was so proud of them working together. Oh, well.

Boom, bip, pow! Flying Guillotine is out first. Snake Man and Old Hag team up against Bob. Or, at least, that is what Snake Man believes. Actually, Old Hag is playing Snake Man. As they form up, i.e. as Old Hag jumps on Snake Man’s shoulders, instead of becoming Voltron, Old Hag becomes Betraytron. She whips Snake Man in the face and Bob slices open his gut. And so Snake Man, like Monica Lewinsky, goes down crying.

Now the real alliance is revealed. Old Hag and Bob are going to share the Devil’s Sword. They start off into the cave. Being the first-class gentleman he is, Bob allows Old Hag to enter the cavern first. In a move Helen Keller saw coming way back in 1900, after only two steps Bob cuts Old Hag in half.

Old Hag is no fool, but more importantly, as Betraytron, she is able to join back up with any severed part. So her torso jumps back onto her legs and she continues to fight. Ultimately she is no match for Bob. Bob chops off her head and kicks a rock after it, pinning it into a crevice in the mountain face. Old Hag’s body jumps to rejoin with the severed head and in doing so she blows up. Don’t ask.

Moving on…

Bob scales the mountain face just as Mandella and Princess Peter show up. Mandella heads in to get the sword, while Bob lies in wait a la Beloc in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Death Mountain Sword Place, or whatever the hell it’s called at this point, is full of silly booby traps, bubbling water, and a cyclops Rock Monster. Mandella dispatches them all easily. He finds the Devil’s Sword and some other something wrapped in a black cloth lying randomly on the ground. Naturally, as he picks them up the mountain starts to collapse.

Cut to outside where Bob is waiting. He is holding a sword to Princess Peter’s neck. He threatens to kill Princess Peter unless Mandella gives him The Devil’s Sword, blah, blah, blah. They fight.

Pow! Whap! Smack! Bob is sent back to Crocodile Queen with his tail between his legs.

Because Bob failed to get The Devil’s Sword, Crocodile Queen has her crocodile statue use its Fire Laser Breath attack on Bob, which misses completely. It does startle Bob, so there’s that. Crocodile Queen’s top henchman, Staff Guy, attacks Bob, confusing him temporarily. Between the startling and confusion, Bob is weakened to the point where Crocodile Queen can use her Unusually Long Scarf Attack. First she uses the scarf to choke him. Then she wraps him up and throws him into the Lurv Fire Pit. Since there’s no blessing, i.e. Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums, Bob burns to death.

Poor Bob.

Mandella and Princess Peter enter. Crocodile Queen flaunts her control of Sanjala the Son-in-Law which sends Princess Peter into a rage. Their forces divided, Princess Peter is easily captured and Mandella succumbs to Crocodile Queen’s Mesmerskank-Stare attack. With Mandella under her spell, she unleashes the Croco-Orgy! Croco-Orgy is less erotic and more a group grand mal seizure.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

Princess Peter cannot partake. She’s locked in stocks and tied to the wall. She can only watch and pout. Actually, from the looks of the Croco-Orgy, she got the better end of the deal.

Toilet PaperElsewhere, Master Grandpa is out for his evening float. He stops over at Master’s shack. Master Grandpa informs Master that Mandella is in a most dire circumstance. That is, caught in Crocodile Queen’s Croco-Orgy with no prophylactics.

Crocodile Queen is a filthy whore.

Master knows he has to do something to help Mandala but does not know what he can do. Inwardly Master laments, “How in the hell am I supposed to help Mandella? I ain’t got no legs, man!” But before he opens his mouth and puts his stump in it he remembers his telepathic earring.

The power of the glowing earring proves to be a worthy cockblocking device, effectively ending Mandella’s good time. Mandella finished early so, whatever.

Time for the final fight.

For some reason Mandella fights the thugs hand-to-hand. It is only after fighting Staff Mans for a few minutes that Mandella remembers, “The Devil’s Sword.”

Why did he go through all the trouble of getting The Devil’s Sword? Eh, never mind.

In the course of rest of the fight with Staff Mans, Mandella accidentally gut slices the crocodile statue, which hurts Crocodile Queen. Finally, her weakness exposed! Mandella stabs the crocodile statue in the throat, which causes it to explode. Without the power of the crocodile statue to tie the lair together, Crocodile Queen reverts into the ancient hag she really is. Mortally weakened Mandella gives her a right good gut chop, causing her to turn into a crocodile, her TRUE form.

So EvilWithout the Crocodile Queen the lair blows up.

The End.

Unfortunately, no, it didn’t blow up with Mandella, Princess Peter, and Sanjala the Son-in-Law in it. They made it out fine. There’s a goodbye scene before “The End” flashes on the screen. But if you stop the movie right as the lair explodes The Devil’s Sword closes with a happy ending.

roadside attractions

  • MARVEL! at Old Hag’s toothless mouth close-ups which reveal the poor sharpie skills of the make-up effects artists!
  • SEE! things moving backwards but going forwards!
  • ENDURE!  scenes of Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums worthy of libido killing Sexual Education films from the 1950s!
  • WITNESS! Kung Fu fighting that’s fierce as a slug reading brail!
  • BEHOLD! something as things happen, or not!
totals

10 blood  

BLOOD

Lots of Louisana Hot Sauce was  spilled to make this movie, plus some other stuff that is best left unknown.

0 blood  

BREASTS

None. There is the Croco-Orgy (but that should drop this into the negative numbers). 

 

10 beast  

BEASTS

The United Legion of All the Evil Warriors of the World, Crocodile Mans, and the Cyclops Rock Monster.

 

OVERALL 6.66
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Watch the trailer for “The Devil’s Sword”

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Feb

posted by Doktor | February 28, 2016 | 30's b-movies, 50's b-movies, 80's b-movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on How to Make Love Like a Mad Scientist: 30s, 50s, & 80s Style

The Brides of Science

“Science, like love, has myriad little surprises, as you shall see.” Dr. Pretorius, The Bride of Frankenstein

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and despite my best efforts to thwart the temporary hormonal imbalance it brings, I found Love tugging at my cholesterol caked heart strings . Love was everywhere, down the aisles at the grocery store, in the eyes of the couples holding hands in the park, I think I even caught hints of it in the air, like walking into the bathroom the morning after Oma had her stewed prune casserole. Fie! No matter how much Lysol I sprayed I could not seem to kill it. Love is a pesky bug that even the staunchest of us mad scientists cannot seem to eradicate.

They* say, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” (*Whomever “they” are.). If it were only so easy. We mad scientists, while being the most virile of men, do not attract the women the way the square-jawed, muscle boys do. So how was I to get my love?

Chemicals and hypnosis? Feh. Yeah, they work, but I did not want to be that guy.

Tinder, AshleyMadison, and QualityRussianWives.com? Feh. I’m not creepy enough to be that guy.

Science! That was how. I would MAKE love. That is, literally create my special lady love.

I decided to investigate how my forefathers did it: Uropa (great grandfather) Doktor in the 30s, Opa (grandfather) Doktor in the 50s, and Vati (father) Doktor in the 80s. Since they’ve all passed on the the great laboratory in the sky, my research consisted of watching The Bride of Frankenstein, Bride of the Monster, and Bride of Re-Animator. Here is the chronicle of what I learned.

Never Happened Before

How Uropa Doktor Did It: The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

This movie was a disappointment. The bride is beautiful, with the most wonderful head of hair, but as perfect a woman as she is she does not show until the last five minutes of the movie. Actually, I am not sure why it is titled Bride of Frankenstein. Frist, as I wrote, she does not show up until the very end. There is precious little bride and way too much of the pointless continuing adventures of the monster. Heck, The Pointless Continuing Adventures of Frankenstien’s Monster would have been a better title. Second, she does not marry anyone. So, she is not even a bride. She is a just a woman creature who was set up on a blind marriage with the monster. In fact, when she sees the “man” she has been set up with she freaks out. I cannot say I blame her. He is a monster—literally. True to the monster boyfriend stereotype, as soon as she shuns him he decides that if he cannot have her no one will. So Love, the laboratory, and some hired help all go up in flames. The End.

Sigh.

While the castle was quite nice, and the lab was to die for, the science: dead wrong. The one thing the movie got right, and spot on at that, was the portrayal of the monster boyfriend. See, ladies, tall, dark, and strong are not all they are cracked up to be.

Arthritic

How Opa Doktor Did It: Bride of the Monster (1955)

I do not know why I thought I could get anything out of an Ed Wood, Jr. movie, but I watched it anyway. I know, shame on me. I did get a good chuckle though.

There’s no bride in this movie. There is one woman. As she is barely a plot device I cannot recall her name, so let us call her Ms. Woman (Loretta King). Naturally she wrecks her car. No good reason other than she was a woman. She proceeds to pass out when she sees a quite random boa constrictor wound around the tree she crashed into. All of this allows her to be captured by Dr. Vornoff’s (Bela Lugosi) man thug, Lobo (Tor Johnson). This is quite fortuitous because Varnoff is always looking for fresh subjects to test his Atomic Super Mutant Radiation Therapy, or ASMRT, on.

For unfathomable reasons, Varnoff dresses Ms. Woman in a wedding gown to prepare her for the procedure. Perhaps the silky materials facilitates radiation particles. Maybe that was the only dress Ed Wood, Jr. had that was clean. So, Ms. Woman is strapped to the table in a flowing wedding gown.

Oh, wait a moment. I forgot to explain what Varnoff is hoping to accomplish with ASMRT. You see, this is the time when we mad scientists were convinced that huge doses of radiation would cause fantastic mutations, transforming the recipients with incredible powers or abilities, rather than cause horribly devastating cancers. In the case of Ms. Woman specifically the ASMRT was going to make her “super strong and super beautiful” as opposed to a steamy puddle of human-goo.

Or perhaps it would do that. Up to this point he was only able to successfully atomic super mutant Nessie (some exposition had him in Loch Ness before he came to America) and a swamp octopus he keeps as a pet to guard his swamp-locked laboratory.

And then, like so many prom night dreams, everything goes horribly wrong. Lobo is in Lurv with Ms. Woman, and while he is enamored of the whippings he receives from his master, he cannot abide by the destruction of his lady love. Despite the fact that she screams and wets herself every time she Lobo, his unrequited love for her drives him to knock out Varnoff, switch Ms. Woman’s place on the table with Varnoff, and, though he can only just manage to put on his slip on shoes, he sets the controls and turns on the machine.

Mostly the ASMRT works. Mostly. Varnoff becomes Atomic Super Mutant Varnoff—with poo-smeared face. He breaks free of the puny restraints and knocks some sense into Lobo. By “knocks some sense” I mean couple super punches puts Lobo down fast as Travis Coates boom stick put down Old Yeller.

Atomic Super Mutant Varnoff takes off with Ms. Woman to do something in the swamp. Lt. Dick, Ms. Woman’s fiancé, pushes a swamp bolder at Atomic Super Mutant Varnoff knocking him into the waiting arms of his pet swamp octopus. A well placed lightning strike hits the struggling mutants setting off an atomic blast.

As the heroes look at the blast, which incidentally is only feet from where they are standing, Capt. Robbins sums up the moral morass of the story with, “He tampered in God’s domain.”

Bride of the Monster is another one that gets the science wrong. Actually, the only “science” in the movie is the wall of test tubes, Bunsen burners, and BLFNAR (blinking lights for no apparent reason). Additionally, there was nothing about brides, not how to make one or win one or even how to use one’s power of hypnosis to force one to your will (see the image for Varnoff’s sweet technique that’s totally wasted). All Bride of the Monster gave us was one test subject made up in wedding dress. That, Mr. Wood, is quite a stretch to add bride to the title.

Bride of the Monster does one thing, which is, warn us mad scientists against trusting our minions to have your back when a lady is involved. So much for mad scientist’s best friend.

Ubterwyf

How Vati Doktor Did It: Bride of Re-Animator (1989)

Now here is a movie with some substance. Firstly, there is not one, but two mad scientists, Dr. Dan Cain (Bruce Abbot) and Dr. Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs). I was sure this movie would have some answers for me. And lo, it did! Plus there is plenty of glowing reagent, freak abominations of living body pieces, and hubris that only Jeffrey Combs can embody: “I will not be shackled by the failures of your God.”

Hmmm! Now there’s a mad scientist, mad scientist!

If you love him so much why don’t you marry him?

Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a glass stirring rod.

Anyway…

Like Bride of Frankenstein, in Bride of Re-Animator the two doctors are attempting to construct a woman. Dr. Cain and Dr. West’s creation is more than just random parts, though there are plenty of those, too. What makes her so special is that she starts with the heart of Dr. Cain’s beloved Megan Halsey. Moreover, as a kind of icing on the bridal cake, Dr. West secures the head of Gloria (Kathleen Kinmont), a patient Dr. Cain had recently become emotionally attached to but lost.

What a guy!

Also like in Bride of Frankenstein, bride of re-animator (the woman creature lacks a name) does not show up until later in the movie. Unlike Bride of Frankenstein, she is the actually part of the  plot, so Dr. Cain and Dr. West are working on her throughout the movie. Once she is re-animated she has more than 5 minutes of screen time, too.

Sadly, it turns out that as perfect as bride of re-animator may have been, exposed muscles and metal braces holding her skeleton together notwithstanding, Dr. Cain finds something far more attractive in regular old Francesca (Fabiana Udenio), a woman made the old fashioned way, the temporary hormonal imbalance culminating in the sharing of DNA fluids.

Sigh. All that work wasted. Well, there is the cat fight between bride of re-animator and Francesca for Cain’s love. It ends with bride of re-animator tearing out her heart, shrieking, “Is this what you want?” (See the middle picture in the main image.) That was sweet.

Interestingly, just like monster boyfriends, monster girlfriends suffer from homicidal jealously, or in other words, if bride of re-animator cannot have Cain, no one will.

Maybe Capt. Robbins was onto something with the not tampering in Gods blah, blah, blah stuff.

 


 

So what is the take away? One, monster boyfriends are hateful creatures. Two, never trust your minion when a woman is involved, no matter how much he says he enjoys being chained to the water heater in the basement. Three, even if one does manage to build the perfect woman, starting with the most tender part of one’s most beloved, as it turns out a good old fashioned girl will win out in the end.

What if you don’t have a good old fashioned girl to win? Well, you can do like I did. Netflix and chill, with yourself.

Nov

Comments Off on Friday the 13th: Part III

To celebrate Friday the 13th by watching Friday the 13th, I wanted to take a look back at my favorite Friday, “Friday the 13th Part III.” It’s like watching “Die Hard” at Christmas at my house.
Part III, how do I love thee? Lemme count. Number one, there’s the sweet 80’s main theme that I like to call Disco Jason. Such a party track. Number two, Part III is in 3D, and many copies you can buy even come with old school 3D glasses. (And, mercifully, the option to watch in 2D.) But number three and most importantly, this is the first Friday where Jason is the Jason we know, love, and make action figures of, the man in the mask Alice Cooper belted about in part VI. I mean, everyone knows Mrs. Voorhees is the killer in part one, and in II, Jason’s rocking a flour sack and not truly at full Jason – although, in fairness, he is mourning his crazy mama. Part III is Jason moving on, out of the shack with mama’s severed head, out of the camp setting entirely, and while he’s still pretty human looking around the edges, we do get the hockey masked, immortal/undead/zombie/whatever the hell he is killing machine of legend and box art in this movie.

Part III opens with the end of part II, just in case you were afraid you’d be lost in the mythology. Ginny, the Final Girl of II, pretends to be Jason’s mama and then machetes him real good in the shoulder. When the coast is clear though, we see wounded Jason scoot away into the darkness. Then we rock out with Disco Jason and 3D movie credits invade our personal space.
But the movie really starts with a bickering couple, presumably middle-aged, although I think the wife is actually pretty young and they put her in a bathrobe and curlers to make her insta-45. Bickering couple are just chilling out at their combination crappy home/crappy rural grocery, when the wife listens to local news recount the aftermath of part II, so of course, Jason’s ears are burning. It’s OK; bickering couple were just the appetizer.
After we’ve established that Jason’s on the loose and his stabbing arm is all warmed up, we get to meet our crew of nubile young victims. And they’re in a van. They even have a pair of stoners in the van. I’m just glad they didn’t have a dog, because I cannot stand violence against animals.

OK, so roll call: we’ve got Chris, the Final Girl – we know this because she’s a pretty, but serious girl, kinda turned off of sex, and she both owns the van and has a boy’s name. We have Shelly, who attempts to make up for his lack of traditional good looks with gory practical jokes and pouting about how no one likes him; the stoner couple; Deb the pregnant girl and her innocuous boyfriend Andy; and finally, Vera, a cool Latina who was conned into being Shelly’s date. Pretty good selection for Jason to run through. Despite happening upon a crazy old man who warns them, um…pretty much just to be warned, he’s not very specific, the kids continue to Chris’s family farm, which is also convenient to Camp Blood.

When they arrive, Chris meets up with Rick, an old boyfriend, and she starts to get emo and ominous about not being back to the place for two years. I would like to take a moment and point out that despite not seeing each other for an undefined amount of time or being in a current relationship, Rick instantly begins pressuring Chris to get snuggly and never, ever stops. I realize inviting a guy to spend a weekend with you strongly implies receptivity to snuggling, but let her finish a sentence, you horndog. Rick’s painted as a good guy, driving a VW Beetle and everything, but really, he’s a jerk. Jason will make it better, I’m sure.

Back to the plot. I need to introduce a few more victims. Our other variety of jerk (bigus fatus jerkus), Shelly, goes with Vera to a local grocery for supplies. This grocery, however, is being menaced by a three-person biker gang. They don’t do much though besides threaten the kids a little bit, and you have to wonder exactly how much tough biker ganging there is to be done in a brightly-lit country store too small to even have aisles. Shelly manages to back over one of their bikes as they leave though, and in so doing unwittingly adds three more to Jason’s kill list, because you know the gang’s going to have to follow them and try to get revenge.

All the dominoes are now set up, and it’s fun to see how Jason knocks them down. 3D filming techniques will assist where possible. He’s less creative than he will be in the future, of course, but I believe he does innovate the fuse box kill here, and while there are some callbacks – Kevin Bacon’s death in the first “Friday the 13th” is a good one – they’re well repurposed.
It all comes down to Jason and Chris though, and we learn through torturous, onion peeling dialogue scenes that this is not her first rodeo with a deformed psycho killer. In fact…it was at this very place on the lake… Sigh. Chris, you’re an idiot, aren’t you?

I will give Chris credit for being a pretty effective Final Girl, using things in her environment as diverse and innocuous as hay bales and manual car windows to her advantage and executing traps with minimal whimpering. I wouldn’t be able to go close enough to Jason to loop a noose around his neck, uh-uh, no way. She may not be Kirsty Cotton or Laurie Strode, but she’s pretty tough stuff. Not as tough as Jason, but hey, who is? Jason’s basically jerky to start with.

roadside attractions

  • Brand-new crazy old man to warn the kids about Jason
  • Jason finds his signature look
  • Central casting stoners
  • Central casting bikers
  • Fried hippie
  • Not practicing speargun safety
  • Not practicing hammock safety
  • Red-hot poker action
  • The Boy Who Cried Psycho Killer
  • I am crushing your head
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

A little dated and heavy on the eyeballs for my taste, but Jason shows real enthusiasm for this kind of work.

2

blood

BREASTS


Fleeting exposure in a pretty self-conscious shower scene.

8

beast

BEASTS Jason will get hulkier, maggotier, and more inventive in later sequels, but there wouldn’t have been a Jason X without Disco Jason.

8 OVERALL There’s a purity to Part III I enjoy. The formula is solid by this point without being overdone, and it’s happy to just be what it is: a big dumb fun slasher movie for Reagan’s America.
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Watch the trailer to “Friday the 13th: Part III”

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>