Archive for the '80’s b-movies' Category

Dec

posted by Doktor | December 6, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Exterminator 2

Tagline: The Exterminator – a one-man army obsessed with a single thought – Revenge!

Year: 1984 Runtime: 89 min

Director: Mark Buntzman

Writer: Mark Buntzman, William Sachs,

Starring: Robert Ginty, Mario Van Peebles, Deborah Geffner

Sigh.

I’m blue. Why? ‘Cos I’m a horrible person. I haven’t always been a horrible person. There used to be a time where I could sympathize and/or empathize with the plight of others. Now though…

I mean, vigilante movies are supposed to move you, right? You’re supposed to care about the characters. You’re supposed to be indignant with them, to the point of cheering them on in their killing spree. Aren’t you?

All I felt while watching Exterminator 2 was my gynecomastia for abnormal lumps. My moobs were tender and I was all emotional and, well, let’s say I was a mess and leave it at that. Weird how I was all emotional but couldn’t care less about the characters in the movie.

Take the protagonist, John Eastland, the Exterminator, a down-on-his-luck veteran turned vigilante. He’s driven to clean up the streets because his girlfriend, Caroline, is crippled by some street thugs who are seeking revenge on Exterminator. Caroline is a dancer with stars in her eyes. She was going to dance on Broadway. Not anymore! They took her dancing from her, and dancing was all she had (even if it was pole dancing in jazzercise tights at a local bar). And then there’s Be Gee, Exterminator’s friend from the war. He’s the kind-hearted trash man who’ll split his only sandwich with a local stray. Naturally he helps out his old war buddy and he gets killed during an ill-planned raid on a drug deal for his trouble.

Ok. So…

I can hear Buntzman say, “But Exterminator uses flamethrower. That’s cool, right?” Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it makes him a compelling character.

What about the villains? If they’re sufficiently bad enough it will make up for weak heroes, right?

The antagonist, Mario Van X, and his gang to Mad Max rejects, i.e. 80’s NYC street thugs, are about as intimidating as sparkly vampires. Actually, there’s a scene where Van X is looking all sexy, sweaty and shirtless, with a big X painted on his chest to look tough, but he’s been hosed with glitter. It’s like a unicorn exploded on him. Despite all his rage he’s still sparkly. He does have some kind of ESP which leads him to Exterminator’s hideout for the Final Boss Fight. While that’s pretty cool, overall Van X is meh.

Even when his gang’s being evil it’s unbelievable. When they get their drug shipment Van X sends Roller Skate Brother for a guinae pig. Since when is it necessary to kidnap someone to test your smack on? Remember, this is 1984 NYC. Forget the year, this is New York City! Junkies abound. Uhg.

Oh, and about Roller Skate Brother, nothing says thug life like jheri curl and roller skates.

And then there’s the culmination of the stuff that’s happened in the Final Boss Fight. Van X’s thugs go down quicker than sorority pledges during rush week, so there’s no point in bothering with saying more. The fight between Exterminator and Van X is basically a game of chase. There is a confusing bit where Van X pauses. There’s no good reason for him to give pause. He reloaded a fresh mag in his uzi and chased The Exterminator to within 20 – 25 feet. Exterminator is wounded, a leg shot, and can’t move very fast. Yet, Van X doesn’t shoot. He has a clear shot. Exterminator is right in front of him. Nada. Really?

Van X deserves to get blowed up!

To round out the logic of the film the final scene as credits roll is of Exterminator walking away. The warehouse is full of dead people, fire, guns, drugs, etc., and Exterminator is dropping incriminating evidence, piece by piece, as he stumbles off.

Then I remember something crucial: Exterminator 2 is another Golan-Globus production, the people responsible for cinematic turd Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Ah! Now it all makes sense. I’m not the terrible person, Golan-Globus are. Phew!

roadside attractions

  • Hear passionate Lurv song lyrics like “Come take my love. I’ll show you how!”
  • Witness the easiest armored car heist EVAR. A couple shots, a jump cut, and the truck’s stopped, driver’s dead and the thugs are about to pull the guy out of the back!
  • Suffer the indignity of the sex scene that’s about as erotic as a monthly breast self-examination!
  • Feel the Passion of Mario Van X as he “remembers” the bad times and it drives him to one-armed push ups!
  • Struggle to understand how the Exterminator can bust in through a door and then back out of the same door when crashing the big drug deal!
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Mostly crispy critters since a flamethrower is the Exterminator’s tool of choice, but there’s some bullet hits with some nice splatter.

2

blood

BREASTS

A couple flashes during the lame love scene.

5

beast

BEASTS

Mario Van X and his gang of 80’s thugs kinda qualify as beasts, right?

4 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Exterminator 2”

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Nov

Comments Off on Return to Horror High

return to horror high

Crippen High school was once the home to some gruesome murders but the killer was never caught. 5 years later it’s believed he may still be wandering the halls, so what better place to film a horror movie? A crew and their sleazy producer (Alex Rocco) setup shop to film their little cinematic re-enactment of terror. Unfortunately the cast and crew members star ending up actually dead or fired (it’s hard to tell the difference.) George Clooney in his first acting role plays an actor playing a cop who just found out he got a big acting promotion (that Facts of Life TV offer finally came in.)  But before he can leave, George get’s his head smashed against a plated door instead. His 80’s hair cut couldn’t even save him. The real cops show up and Maureen Mcormicks best known as Marcia from the Brady bunch typecasted as a sex obssessed police woman whose helping investigate the murders but only if she can stay out of all the blood.  Her boss, lieutenant “stick up his butt” has been interviewing survivors trying to hide his hatred of everyone around him. The blood pressure meds apparently weren’t working that day.

Return to Horror HighMeanwhile bodies keep piling up as the murderer chops off heads, dissects people or dismembers them enough to flush down the toilet. There’s even a stage hand that ends up chopped suey by a propeller which easily beats that drowning scene in quicksand. What the heck were they teaching at this school anyways? The rent-a-cop hero turned actor with his bimbo co-star suspect something is up but just end up doing some night grinding in a classroom while someone is arch welding in the outside the window. The moment really lacked a proper flashdance soundtrack. The cast keeps thinning and producer and director eventually get their heads stuck on a platter which al leads to a final showdown with the surviving actors and a plot twist that the Scooby gang would haven seen coming a mile away. At least George Clooney was bludgeoned to death.

The main problem we got here is the heck if anyone can follow the plot of this thing. There’s scenes that are supposed to be re-enactments but are real. There are real scenes you think are just being shot for the film but aren’t. There’s flashbacks, flash forwards, flashdances, there’s even dreams within dreams. It’s like the movie got incepted. And let’s not forget the contestant bickering. Mostly between the director who wants to make the film arty and the producer who wants a good old blood n’ breast fest*. I think the killer agrees with the producers on that point. In the end it all adds up to a whole lotta  head scratching’ to wether anybody even died a room full of cross dressing skeletons. I’d give Return to Horror High a 2 out of 5 hall passes, but that’s only if we’re grading on a curve.

*Blood n’ Breast-Fest is trademark of Lost Highway and can’t not be used on t-shirts, tattoos, or coffee mugs without the express written consent of Lost Highway. Because if we ever have a fest that’s what we’re naming it and we have lawyers, and pens, and official stationary to back us up.

roadside attractions

  • Heads roll
  • George Clooney face smashing
  • melting acid face
  • bloody toilet
  • death by quicksand
  • propeller chop suey
  • human dissection
  • hand nailing
  • multiple severed heads
  • cross dressing skeletons
  • multiple dead bodies (or are they?)
  • impalement by hunting spear.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

It’s all fake!!! FAKE I TELL YOU!!!!

8

blood

BREASTS

what the movie lacks in plot it makes up for in breasts.

1

beast

BEASTS

Mostly the killer is our only beast in this one….and Alex Rocco’s eyebrows

3.5 OVERALL
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Watch the full movie of “Return to Horror High”

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Nov

Comments Off on Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
1986 – X – Arrow Video

Texas Chainsaw Massacre really the set the bar with horror back in 1974. It goes without saying that it is one of the greatest horror films of all time, so when Cannon Films acquired the rights to the franchise in the 80’s, a sequel was inevitable. Giving the original creator Tobe Hooper full creative control, it must have been a lot of pressure. How can a sequel live up to all this hype and deliver the same level of atrocity and macabre as depicted in the original? Tobe Hooper simply found the answer in not following the same formula as the first. Instead he took the film in a different direction, focusing more on gore and comedy, making it completely a slapstick for the criminally insane. Certainly an audacious and risky move, but would it actually work?

tcm2_2And he does this right from the start. Immediately following a text scrolling narrative echoing the events of the first film, it’s thirteen years later as two cackling college jug heads on their way to Dallas are popping shots at signs with a revolver from a car and calling K-OKLA radio station, badgering the leggy DJ appropriately nicknamed Stretch (Caroline Williams, meow!). Since these douchebags are refusing to hang up, Stretch has to keep them on the line and on the air (did radio stations actually use this lamebrain phone system?) as a large pickup truck, proud of its state’s stereotype by displaying some buck antlers and a confederate flag, chases them on what seems like the world’s longest bridge, until a familiar chainsaw wielding, masked maniac saws the top off one guy’s head and consequently crashing the car. Apparently city folk aren’t welcome ’round these parts.

Time to call in the cavalry! Former Texas Ranger (looking at it now, I’m not sure if they mean baseball player or an actual Texas Ranger) “Lefty” Enright, played by a manic Dennis Hopper, is at the scene of the crime. Although he’s ridiculed by his peers, Lefty knows exactly who did this… the same scumbags that tormented his niece and nephew, Sally and Franklin Hardesty. And no, this isn’t a string of typos. In a Soap Opera type of twist, Lefty is the uncle to the protagonists of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and he’s been hunting down the Sawyer clan ever since. Desperate, and most likely lonely, Lefty prints a want ad regarding any information on this brutal slaying (and for that special someone). Stretch brings him a tape with the slaying recorded on to it to which he shortly requests her to play it on the radio, which I’m sure the FCC will have no problems with. Still, it’s better than anything that Lady Gaga dude puts out.

tcm2_3But first, a little comical scene of Dennis Hopper arriving at a workshop, throwing phat stacks of cash on the table, like he just won some games of dice (these two things are funny to visualize in slow-motion along with any rap song), arming up with several chainsaws of varying size and madly hacking a log up outside, testing the chainsaws. He does this entire scene without a single line of dialogue, deadpan face, as the owner of the shop laughs to himself like he’s a mad scientist. This scene is the horror movie equivalent to Willem Defoe’s death scene in Platoon. It’s that over the top, but it’s that damn good.

Well, who else should hear this new hit but a welcoming and familiar face, Drayton Sawyer (for those of you who may not know the name, he ran the gas station in the first film), who just won a local chili cook-off contest! Turns out the Sawyer’s have been running a traveling food truck business since the first movie and I have to say, this is a very clever idea. After a probable manhunt took place following the events of the first film, a ‘meals on wheels’ service would allow these killers to move freely without getting caught and disposing of bodies. It’s genius (and I’m sure copyrighted… shucks). Hysterically cursing at the wheel, he turns it around to send the boys on a little search and destroy mission.

tcm2_4Nobody does search and destroy missions quite like the Vietnam veteran hippie with an exposed metal plate in his head, Chop Top, who it turns out is the twin brother of the Hitchhiker character in the first film… another soap opera twist, played amazingly by the characteristic Bill Moseley (and most likely one of his best roles). Seriously, this guy is all over the place. One minute he’s making a joke about one thing, then another, then he goes into a psychotic rage. He truly defines a psychopath. Chop Top arrives at the radio station shortly after LG, who does… something at K-OKLA, leaves for some grub, he asks Stretch to play the “special Lefty request”. Suddenly out of the darkness, the man in the mask, Leatherface bursts out with his chainsaw, waving it ferociously into the air, dinging Chop Top’s exposed metal plate (oh, that’s why they call him that!). With Stretch having locked herself in a room, LG returns to find Chop Top digging through old records, all while spouting some of the best one-liners ever. Chop Top belts his head continuously with a hammer, while Leatherface is falling in love… yeah, it’s strange to see and even more strange to describe. You see, since Stretch isn’t showing him fear, he falls for her and begins thrusting with his chainsaw, making for one of the most sexually awkward scenes ever. It’s so awkward, high schools should show them for abstinence videos. Leaving her to live (unbeknownst to Chop Top), the two bail with LG’s body.

Stretch follows them to an abandoned amusement park, rather fitting given the tenants. She falls into a trap, placing her inside the Christmas colored, bone scattered death trap just in time for Lefty to arrive, fully loaded with chainsaws and spewing the word of god, which is a bit cliche. Both Stretch and Lefty are left to their own devices if they want to get out alive. Stretch uses her charm on the wits of Leatherface (who even puts the skin of a face over hers) to try and escape and Lefty… well, he just starts tearing this place to shreds, howling like hobo on a meth bender with nothing to lose, “BRING IT DOWN! BRING IT ALL DOWN!” He finds Stretch, reminiscent of the dinner scene from the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with the Sawyer family, as he claims to be The Lord of the Harvest (not to be confused with The Lord of the Flies). And then, in a more battle more epic than Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader’s final duel, Lefty has it out with Leatherface, chainsaw to chainsaw! Madness on an unmeasurable scale unfolds from here.

tcm2_6Believe it or not, but this film initially received an X rating. The filmmakers decided to release it as Unrated so it would be allowed to play in more theaters. Even during its home video release, it still was Unrated. It wasn’t until the lousy, bare (no extras!) release in 2000 by MGM it was finally given an R rating. But we’re not talking about the MGM releases. We’re talking about this crisp, clean transfer from Arrow Video (with a few noticeable scenes of noise, but it’s not too bad), which looks amazing on a big screen in Blu. For you surround sound fans… sorry, they stuck with stereo for this release, but that’s how we like it.

And how about those extras? Arrow filled this release with so many extras, you’ll be stuffed. A good portion is carried over from the MGM “Gruesome Edition”, but that didn’t stop Arrow from adding plenty more, one of the coolest being Tobe Hooper’s previously unreleased short, The Heisters and another film Eggshells. On top of that are a few retrospectives on Mr. Hooper and possibly the most amusing feature on here, a fifteen or so minute rant from the man who played Leatherface, but it’s followed by about a half hour rebuttal by Stephen Thrower. Slap that in a sweet package with some astounding artwork and a hundred page book and there are enough extras on here to make this release thick and meaty. After all, it’s all about the meat… don’t skip on the meat.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
If you want to see Dennis Hopper screaming at the top of his lungs while waving chainsaws wildly in the air and going bats#*t crazy, then this is the movie for you. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 would literally be like looking into the mind of a madman. This is one of the most outrageous and insane films out there and still somehow remains comprehensible. I’m not sure it’s even possible to compare this to its original counterpart since they really aren’t in the same league. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is a parody of the original, making a goofball, splatstick comedy out of a serious toned serial killer movie, but that is in no way a bad thing. All the characters are completely ridiculous and over the top, but they are playing along with the hyper-violent, daffy tone of the movie (especially Bill Moseley’s Chop Top) that it all somehow makes sense and dammit all, if it’s not entertaining in a psychotically hypnotizing way. It like being on a hallucinogenic and seeing all the ravings of a lunatic come to life, with the colors to make it really ‘pop’. The buzz isn’t back… it never went away.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Splitting headache.
  • Dennis Hopper… acting or actually that crazy?
  • Incoming mail!
  • Leatherface in love.
  • The Last Round Up, makers of the meatiest chilli!
  • Nam Land!
  • Saw vs. saw!
  • Crazy Caroline Williams Dance.
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

We start with some punk getting half of his head sawed off, then another person pelted in the head repeatedly with a hammer, throw some guts in here for the perfect gore-met!

6

blood

BREASTS

One scene in particular, where Caroline Williams has soda and ice sprayed all over her legs and chest will have the young ones getting funny feelings for the first time.

10

beast

BEASTS

The psychopathic Chop Top and Leatherface square off with Dennis Hopper, armed head to toe in chainsaws. This is what Michelangelo would have painted in the Sistine Chapel had he seen this movie.

8.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2!”

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Nov

posted by Doktor | November 15, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Cyclone

Tagline: The Ultimate Team Of Woman And Machine.

Year: 1987 Runtime: 89 min

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Paul Garson (screenplay) & T.L. Lankford (additional material)

Starring: Heather Thomas, Jeffrey Combs, Ashley Ferrare

What does Airwolf, Blue Thunder, KITT, Ecto-One, Firefox, Streethawk, and the Highwayman semi’s  have in common? They are all over-the-top 80’s vehicles that graced our screens (big or small). As a little boy my heart skipped a beat when we saw them. All I ever wanted—EVAR—was to be the coolest person ever and own one. Having a cool ride was one thing, and I had my eye on a few of those too, but having a super military vehicle was the bee’s patellas!

As you can tell from that last sentence there was never any hope for me, regardless of what I rode around in.

Cyclone is another, less well known, motorcycle belonging to that illustrious bunch of mean machines. With a price tag of $5 million, Cyclone is 5/6th of a Steve Austin. Yet, because it was designed by Dr. Herbert West, I mean Dr. Jeffery Combs… erhm, no, I… Dr. Rick Davenport. Yeah, that’s it. Because it was designed by Dr. Rick Davenport it’s 6/5th a Steve Austin, and a bag of chips! Here’s a quick breakdown of Cyclone’s assets:

  • twin laser gun helmet with H.U.D.
  • turbo charged with nos injection (putting out 400+ hp)
  • armor plating
  • stealth paint that’s been “jazzed up”
  • fire power equal to an F-16
  • powered by The Transformer

The most important development is The Transformer. A dry erase board eraser fuel cell. Sucks hydrogen out of the atmosphere and converts it into “energy.” Neato!

Thing is, Davenport is a bit of an eccentric. He agreed to design and build Cyclone, but he had to do so in secret. The closer Davenport got to finishing the bike the more he was worried that he couldn’t trust “The Agency.” And he was right. The very night he finishes Cyclone he goes out dancing at the hot metal club with his girl and gets an icepick in the back of his head for his troubles.

He didn’t deserve such a fate for designing Cyclone, but he was asking for a beat down by getting on the dance floor. First off, one doesn’t “dance” to metal, one headbangs, or moshes, or in a pinch knifes whomever happens to be standing in the general area.  Everyone there was awkwardly metal dancing, think Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-air, so when in Rome, right? It was so offensive my eyes bled, but then came the insult. He exclaims gayly, “All right!” and “Yeah!” as he is Rick Ashleying. For that, the ice pick was poetic justice.

When Davenport dies “The Agency” sends some of it’s operatives to get Cyclone from his girlfriend, Teri Marshall, i.e. The Fall Guy’s Jody Banks. For no reason she’s skeptical of the agents and feigns ignorance of Davenport’s activities. When she goes back home she heads straight for the secret lab where she trips a hidden message from Davenport. He tells her if she’s hearing this message something bad’s happened and blah, blah, blah. He gives her a complete rundown on Cyclone, including who she can deliver it to if she should accept the mission. She decides she’ll honor his memory and make sure Cyclone gets to the right people, or whatever.

One quick note: It was her handprint which set off the message. Thing is, the only thing she touched was his drafting table. That means the whole thing was a big touch sensor. Considering this was the late 80’s I think someone might have skimmed a good chunk of that $5 million for the drafting table. Who knows what other goodies he had in there.

Speaking of, Davenport’s lab is the least obfuscated in the history of secret labs. It’s hidden behind the fire place in his living room, which isn’t a bad idea in and of itself. It’s the implementation where things fall apart. With the molding around the door, and the decorative molding on the walls, the sliding fire place had to stick out noticeably. And that’s turning a blind eye to the fireplace itself which was only about a foot deep. A neon sign reading “Secret Lab Back Here” would be as inconspicuous.

Then the movie introduces the bad guys. To say they are a bunch of Key Stone Mongoloids would be giving them undue intelligence points. For such an important weapon, and more important fuel source, “The Agency” sends two idiots to stake out the house. They promptly fall asleep. Yep. Out cold. They are awakened when Cyclone takes off out back. They go right back to sleep.

And that’s not the worst of it.

To fully appreciate this enematic experience, I have to back up a bit. What booger eater would give $5 million to some schmuck and not know where he was working, how it was going, or anything for that matter? This is $5 million in 80’s dollars. That’s like $200 trillion now. Secondly, no one thought that MAYBE his secret lab was in his house since he NEVER leaves to go to work? Furthermore, no one is sent out to check until AFTER Davenport is dead? There were plenty of opportunities to drop by. And yet when they do go in they completely miss the obvious hidden passageway to the lab? I have a hemorrhoid that’s smarter than these morons. Anyone this stupid deserves to loose their money and get a swift kick in the ding-ding.

And there’s more.

When the cretins finally discover the lab, and more importantly the missing Cyclone, the main bad guy and his partner give chase. What do they bring to catch a super turbo-charged, 400 horsepower motorcycle? An Oldsmobile station wagon. Sigh. Thing is, the Oldsmobile station wagon actually kept up with Cyclone. I was so angry at this point that I broke my TV trying to pick a fight with the movie.

“The Ultimate Team Of Woman And Machine,” huh? If that’s the case, Cyclone is a technological failure worse than healthcare.gov. (Or that pathetic attempt at political satire.)

To save what little color I have left in my hair I’ll cut to the penultimate atrocity and be done with it. After being caught, escaping, and a fantastic final fight scene where Teri gets to use Cyclone’s cool weapons, Teri just walks away. There are dead people, cars are on fire, and the police are casually looking around at the carnage. No one stops her, asks her questions, nothing. She just walks away. As she left she pocketed The Transformer. Remember, The Transformer is the solution to the world’s fuel needs. It can convert hydrogen in the atmosphere into “energy.” What does Teri do with it? She throws it in a pool of dirty water in the gutter, destroying it.

Good jorb, Teri. Way to honor Davenport. He’s in his own special Hell, and is suffering is legendary.

roadside attractions

  • Marvel at Cyclone, a motorcycle so advanced Davenport has to wear rubber surgical gloves to work on it!
  • Freak Out by how cool the Cyclone sounds—a jet engine played through a flanger!
  • Envy the Cyclone’s ultimate piece of super military tech: a knife with brass knuckles!
  • Be Moved the Rent-a-Center In the Air Tonight song, Riding on the Edge of Night!
  • Throw Up your devil horns \m/ and bang your head to Devil Metal! (You don’t have to wait, check out the video below.)
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

There’s enough blood to warrant a bucket and mop, and some of it in inexplicable places.

2

blood

BREASTS

Only breasts in the movie are in the background in the gym locker room scene.

5

beast

BEASTS

No beasts, but this kind of movie is all about the cool vehicle, and Cyclone is no Streethawk.

4.666 OVERALL
dripper

Bang Your Head! Bang Your Head! Bang Your Head!(Devil Metal):

trailers

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Nov

posted by Doktor | November 3, 2013 | 80's b-movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Alien 2: On Earth

Tagline: …ora può colpire anche te (Now It Can Also Affect You)

Year: 1980 Runtime: 92 min

Director: Ciro Ippolito & Biagio Proietti

Writer: Ciro Ippolito

Starring: Belinda Mayne, Mark Bodin, Roberto Barrese

As the name would suggest, Alien 2 is a mockbuster hoping to cash in on the fortunes of Ridley Scott’s Alien. This is a Rent-a-Center version as only an Italian could do. What that means is two-fold. First, Ciro Ippolito saw Alien and thought, “That’s awesome. I can do that.” This, of course is a terrible lie, but he thought it nonetheless. Second, the movie has lots of walking, driving, standing around, and long (several minutes) panning shots. I believe Ippolito was trying to build suspense and tension, but what he ended up with was filler. If this movie were food it would be a MSG laden order of #13 Kung Pao Meow Mix.

Alien 2 shares two things with Alien. First, the title. For those not paying attention it would appear to be the next film following Scott’s Alien. Second, there’s an alien which first incubates and then bursts from a person’s body. Chest bursting is pretty hard-core, but Ippolito wanted to go full METAL \m/, so his alien is a face burster. This might have been pretty sweet if he had money to light the shots with the alien. It’s so dark you can’t make out much. The few times an alien is in the light it’s jumping from person to person with screen time somewhere in the fraction of a second duration.

There’s not really a story, so much as there is an idea for a story. Some aliens get into a returning space capsule. How? Dunno. Before the capsule is opened they get out and spread all over the world. How? Dunno. The aliens are blue rocks, perhaps eggs, I dunno for sure, that’s just what we get.

There’s a group of speleologists who find one of the rock eggs and take it with them on their trip into a local cavern. In the cave the rock egg hatches and starts killing the members of the group one by one. When they discover what’s going on the group makes a frantic run for it, resulting in them getting hopelessly lost.

When everyone else in the group dies the Final Couple, Roy and Thelma, instantly find their way out. The technical term for this is Convenience ex Machina. While that was contrived, at least the Final Couple didn’t try to pass off the pretense of not leaving and/or saving their friends before they left. They were like, “See ya!”

Making it out of the cavern wasn’t all it was cracked up to be though. Back in the real world everyone is gone. EVEN at the local bowling alley, which is crazy because that place always has tens of people in it. Roy goes to investigate and…

Then there was one.

Oh! The horror of the abandoned automated bowling alley! Well, not quite abandoned. There’s still Thelma and the Aliens. Thelma escapes to find that the world is now cast in a shade of red. She’s all alone. Her cries for help echo in the empty streets.

Cut to black title card: “…You May Be Next!”

While overall the movie was lacking in substance, I did learn a few interesting things.

First, cave rats are sensitive to sonar equipment. This is important to know because if you should find yourself lost in a cave/cavern and you use your portable sonar device to find your way out, you might get attacked by a cave rat. Well, not you personally, but the sonar equipment. They go straight for the antennae, which not only renders the device inert, but voices your warranty.

Non-functioning sonar equipment can be used as a walkie-talkie. Not in real life, but in cheap movies where you need filler and don’t have the props.

B-Movie Survival Tip: if you’re walkie-talkie doesn’t instantly work, don’t immediately toss it away like grandma when she becomes a burden to the family. It might still be functioning. Take out the batteries and blow on them. It works 99.9% of the time.

You can watch the full movie here.

roadside attractions

  • Listen to the confused early industrial synth/spaghetti western sound track!
  • Marvel at the shameless use of NASA stock footage for the “space” scenes! And the movie even admits it!
  • Ponder Thelma’s mysterious powers of telepathy, or insanity—whatever, same difference!
  • Watch the most eager-to-separate group in all of horror filmdom get exactly what’s coming to them!
  • Experience the terror of an abandoned automated bowling alley!
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

It’s an ITALIAN Rent-a-Center Alien. Half the budget was for blood.

2

blood

BREASTS

I’m going with the Rick James vote: “I wish I had more hands so I could give this film’s lack of gazongas four thumbs down!”

5

beast

BEASTS

Face bursting aliens sounds cool, but they didn’t execute the visuals very well. Mostly it’s just them as blue rocks. Mostly.

5.666 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer for “Alien 2: On Earth”

trailers

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>