Archive for the '80's movies' Category

Sep

Rats
“Mutants of a nuclear disaster.”

1984 – Unrated – 97 Minutes – Blue Underground
Starring Ottaviano Dell’Acqua, Geretta Geretta, Massimo Vanni – Directed by Bruno Mattei (as Vincent Dawn)

I feel like rodents always get a bad rap, especially rats. They’re always seen as the filthy, diseased sewer dwelling creatures that infest and devour everything in sight, yet they are cute little animals that are pretty clean and actually quite smart. But, I suppose it’s easier to hate and fear something than it is to understand and love it, especially in horror films.

Rats not only take the focus of the 1984 Bruno Mattei film, a blend of The Road Warrior and Night of the Living Dead, but it takes the title as well. That’s how potent these furry little critters were. You could just slap their name right on your poster in big, bold font and instantly disgust your audience. It does have a subtitle, Night of Terror, but I would say it’s more along the lines of Night of the Misunderstood, Cute Animals. Probably not as titillating as the filmmakers wanted, but watch the picture and you will see what I mean.

Just a heads up, this is a film made in Italy in the early 80’s, so you’re gonna see a lot of animal cruelty.

It’s the not too distant future, an opening text crawl fills us in on what’s happening, where mankind is and how we got there:

rts_2“In the Christian year, 2015, the insensitivity of man finally triumphs and hundreds of atomic bombs devastate all five continents. Terrified by the slaughter and destruction the few survivors of the disaster seek refuge under the ground… From that moment begins the era that will come to be called “After the Bomb”, the period of the second human race… A century later several men, dissatisfied with the system imposed on them by the new humanity, choose to revolt and return to live on the surface of the Earth as their ancestors did… So, yet another human race begins, that of the new primitives… These two communities have no contact for a long period. The people still living below ground are sophisticated and despise the primitives, regarding them as savages… This story begins on the surface of the Earth in the year 255 A.B. (After the bomb)…”

Wow! Never mind some of the inaccuracies and punctuation errors in there, but that certainly is a lot of information and backstory in just the opening text. Of course, none of it really matters and the only thing you need to know is that it’s the post-apocalyptic future and people roam in gangs looking for food, which could have been established without the text, since that seemed to be the plot of every post-apocalyptic movie of the 80’s. But, nice to know they put all that thought into it, which is more than you can say for most of those films. I also love that “After the bomb” is put in parentheses at the end, like the beginning of that text crawl was so long ago and they don’t trust you to remember it.

As bopping pop/rock music plays (that I swear has been used in other Bruno Mattei films), a group of these “primitives” that look relatively well dressed, with outfits ranging from a leather biker uniform, goth, civil war and various military garbs, find an establishment to investigate. The leader of the biker gang, Kurt (basically he’s MacReady sans the silly hat), makes the decision that the group will search this hotel… or whatever it is… for some food and when finding some precooked pasta and sugar (both of which weren’t rotted), they dump it all over each other in a fit of happiness. A girl from the gang, Chocolate, gets covered in flour and mistaking racially insensitive for comedy she dances around saying, “Look at me, I’m white! I’m as white as all of you!” Seems like the most rational thing to do in a world where food is extremely scarce. During this odd celebration, they find a body that looks like it was chewed up and mutilated. They all scream and terror, staring at it, which is odd considering you think given their living situation, they have probably seen dozens of dead bodies just on the way there.

Let’s talk about this “gang” for a second. Aside from Kurt, they are all named after whatever characteristic they can visually be identified by. Like a person without any common sense would name random strangers in a crowd to keep track of who’s who. Duke is the rebellious one in like a civil war uniform, Video is called that because of his knowledge in computers, Lilith and Lucifer are supposed to be the goth ones and the most potentially insulting one of them all is Chocolate… because she is a black woman. I would almost say it’s racist, but I don’t think Bruno Mattei quite understands what being racially tolerant is, or being sensitive to one’s sexuality or religious beliefs. Check out any of his other flicks, especially Robowar to see what I mean.

rts_3Maybe this new sanctuary isn’t so safe after all. Time to split up and investigate the place finding more bodies and dozens and dozens of rats, which seem pretty harmless… for now. The real kicker here is among their findings during their search is a plant nursery with fresh vegetables and a water purifier, which is perfect for the hippie of the group, Noah. So we have clean water, fresh veggies and edible food. Not bad for just stumbling into a place and searching for ten minutes. Oh and there is also a giant functioning computer with an ominous, pre-recorded message. In any case, this sounds dangerous, so they burn the bodies just in case they are also in a ripoff of John Carpenter’s The Thing.

As the gang settles in for the night, masses of rats begin to gather around and I have to say, it’s quite cute! You know what isn’t cute? Watching a hairy dude in a ponytail named Lucifer non discreetly plow Lilith under a sleeping bag with the whole gang watching, who were apparently annoyed by it. So why did they let this happen until one of the gang members, Taurus, throws a boot at them? The answer doesn’t and wouldn’t matter, but Kurt tells them to go someplace else. The porking continues and even Lilith grows tired of this and tells Lucifer she needs a break. Since his manhood was questioned, he storms off and happens upon some liquor to get drunk and act like a total buffoon.

With all these characters being alone and falling asleep, now is a perfect time for the rats to strike! They start coming through the water purification system and contaminating that and attacking Noah. Lucifer gets himself eaten, butt first, which is actually quite fitting for him and Lilith is devoured in her sleeping bag. As she screams, she wakes up the rest of the group who arm themselves with flamethrowers and shotguns and run off to investigate. After they find Lilith’s body, with a rat that climbs out of her mouth, Noah jumps from around from the corner, half eaten and screaming to high heaven. Kurt roasts the hippie to spare him or to torture him, since the poor guy runs around on fire until Duke, the rebel of the group, pumps a shotgun round into him. Good to know they look out for one another.

This place seems to be more trouble than it’s worth, so time to blow this popsicle stand! Well, they would except the rats have sabotaged their bikes! Yes, the rats knew that this was their only means of escape and have prevented them from leaving! This is all (somehow) Kurt’s fault… at least according to Duke, who now begins the rivalry shift in the movie. Duke challenges Kurt’s authority, but it’s nothing more than a weak pissing contest, as the group decides to do what they did in Night of the Living Dead and board themselves inside and barricade the place up nice and tight. Well, except for the one HUGE open window that one of girls, Diana, happens to be standing under as a stage hand dumps a box of rats all over her, who look scared and confused as she shrieks to the point of making your ears bleed. Chocolate informs everyone that without clean water for her wounds, Diana could die from infection. I don’t know how Chocolate knows that for sure, but it’s the closest thing we have to making this plot move along, so off to the basement to get to that purifier!

Kurt along with the rest of the men, minus Duke who stays behind to watch things, head down into the basement to get some water, however, the purifier is flooded with rats and Kurt’s flamethrower jams! To make matters worse, Duke refuses to open the door, just as dozens of rubber rats on a treadmill charge them, until Chocolate forces Duke to open the door, resulting in… well nothing really. Kurt just threatens him and kicks him in the nards, but then they all just start looking for a means to escape or shelter. I dunno, sometimes with all the stupid going on, it can be hard to keep track. Tensions run high as the group fights, er… scream and tip toe around rats and Duke takes one of the girl hostage and demands control of the group! Great, just what we needed at a time like this! Luckily, the idiot blows himself up with a grenade trying to blow up rats. Next time I have a rodent problem, I think I will try this method. Seems effective.

rts_4With Duke no longer causing any problems, the remaining members of the gang can focus on what they were originally doing: Running around and screaming while getting rats dumped on them, as the rats break down a barricaded door. Yes, rats manage to beat down an enforced door. Who knew? The gang dwindles down one at a time, just as mysterious men in gas masks and yellow hazmat suits appear and fumigate the streets. Who are they and what do they want? The answer will simply shock you… with laughter! Every minute of this film has boiled down to one of the most outlandish, preposterous ending of all time, because why the hell not?!

In the age when Italy was ripping off zombie movies left and right, at least this one substituted zombies with rats and put it in a post apocalyptic setting. Sure, most of the time the characters were just trudging around, doing stupid things because the script called for it or shrieking at the top of their lungs nonstop to the point where I wanted to punch the closest living thing to me, but Ratsdoes have a few things going for it. Like… um, give me a second to think of one… oh! Like when rats literally explode out of a guys stomach like an air cannon! That was awesome. Oh and before that, he stands up like a zombie, so all I could picture was all the rats inside him controlling him like a giant robot. Aside from that, the rats just nibble at people, so don’t expect your average Bruno Mattei gorefest. Speaking of the rats themselves, you may have noticed at some point that at times they look an awful lot like painted guinea pigs. Or that’s the rumor according to Bruno. I’m going to assume (if it were true) because painting guinea pigs was cheaper than buying rats, but who knows. All I know is I feel bad for the poor critters getting kicked around.

For a Bruno Mattei film, this one is pretty comprehensible instead of his usual nearly idiotic, impossible to follow films, but it still has an ensemble of some of the dumbest characters cinema has to offer. Everything uttered out of their stupid suck holes, every lame brain decision they make… why? Why would a person realistically or rationally do that? They wouldn’t. But that’s a Mattei flick for you. If you can’t write something to make sense, just make your characters dumber than a box of off brand vanilla wafers.

And you know, for the life of me, I can’t believe I haven’t noticed before, but after hearing this soundtrack I’m fairly certain Bruno Mattei didn’t know how to use the proper music at the right moments. Well, for the most part. The film does have a moody synth track that plays well and is kinda creepy, but that bopping drum and keyboard tune is out of place every time.

However, it’s all worth it to see that ending. I know you can power through all the stupid. You can watch these nimrods make the most nonsensical decisions and say the dumbest things. I promise you it will pay off. Hell I admit it. I like this movie a whole lot.

Rats
Well, I can at least say this; it’s one of Bruno Mattei’s more watchable films. So, there’s that. That’s a good thing.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • In the years 2000!
  • The cutest killer creatures of all time!
  • Step forward and be named by your stereotype.
  • Sleeping bag salsa!
  • Conveyer belt o’ rats.
  • To roast ‘em or walk right through ‘em? That is the question.
  • Guinea pigs or rats?
  • That ending though…
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Mostly devoured flesh and a geyser of gut rats!

5

blood

BREASTS

Lilith goes full frontal and Lucifer shows off his lil’ devil.

2

beast

BEASTS

They are so cute!

4.3 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the entire movie… in Italian!

trailers

dripper
Sep

posted by Blake | September 15, 2014 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Reviews by Blake

Recent soul-less reboots like Robocop and Total Recall have given me a very jaundiced eye towards the concept, so news that Mad Max is getting the Hollywood Reboot treatment fills me with fear and loathing even with the original director at the helm.  There is, however, one great post-apocalyptic film which I am sure will be forever safe from the grubby hands of studios  lacking originality: Peter George’s 1987 movie Surf Nazis Must Die, an abandoned child from the Troma family of fun.

The main plot centers around Murder and Revenge, while a subplot forms around a surf-gang leader’s desire for World Domination…or at least dominating the beaches of SoCal.  The majority of beach scenes were shot in Long Beach or Hamilton Beach, both being well-known SoCal surf meccas.

Interspersed throughout the film are six or seven different montages showing the Surf Nazis and other surf-gangs, well, surfing.  In the great tradition of horrid 60s surf films like Gidget and    How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, the film spends quite a bit of filler time showing fuzzy clips of anonymous, semi-pro surfers dressed in character’s costumes and shooting tubes.  Unlike the 60s drech, these dudes occasionally give the Nazi salute as they ride the nose and can be seen deliberately nudging other surfers off their boards—an act apparently more evil than theft and assault of beachgoers, judging by the reactions of those so treated.  Oddly, these montages were all shot on the north shore of Oahu rather than California.

The film is set “sometime in the near future,” when the California coastline has supposedly been devastated by the Big One, an earthquake that registered R8.0+ and caused at least 80,000 casualties while displacing most of the population.  In the aftermath of this disaster, the beaches south of Los Angeles have been overrun with anarchy, with police presence at zero and competing surf-gangs ruling the sands and victimizing citizens (think Beach Blanket Bingo meets A Clockwork Orange).  A note on the gangs: they definitely come from the Warriors school of cinematic gang-depiction, with their own themes, dorkey outfits, and names (Samurai Surfers, Pipeliners, Designer Waves, etc.; at least none of them are in baseball jerseys).  What makes them seem less like bangers and even more like “Pirate” extras from Danger Island is that they aren’t particularly evil or threatening; all of the gangs, including the eponymous Surf Nazis, spend most of their time either surfing, sleeping, drinking beer, or engaging in petty theft.  You would expect post-apocalyptic gangs modeling themselves on the Third Reich to be into some seriously evil stuff, but until the gang-war starts stealing cameras and threatening a pawn-shop owner are as nasty as they get.

Other than some footage taken in industrial storage yards and empty lots and some Before and After scenes of a burning building, there is little evidence of ruin; there is no real feel in the film that the characters are walking through a collapsed. There is no explanation for the complete absence of any law-enforcement or military personnel, or any type of civil infrastructure.  There are all manner of stores still open, including both surf- and pawn-shops, and for a chaotic war zone there seems to be quite a few elderly, middle-class suburbanites, pier-fisherman and other normal L.A. types wandering the beaches, complete with tourist cameras and 80s boomboxes.

One displaced family is Eleanor Washington and her son Leroy, whose home was destroyed outright.  Leroy moves Mama to a comfortable, if restrictive, retirement home and heads off to his work as a successful young oil industry worker (which we know because he wears a suit, a hardhat labeled “Chief,” and spends a good minute of film time wandering around a working pumpjack, looking confused).  Apparently, besides shops and retirement homes the Big One left the power grid and the LA-area oil industry intact, because between the pumpjack, a working offshore platform, and a functioning refinery used in the last scene, SoCal’s oil production still seems to be going strong.

In the main subplot one particular gang, the Surf Nazis, decides to try for world conqeust by either uniting or wiping out the rival gangs and securing the best surfing beaches for themselves; because, you know, like, taking over Hamilton Beach and its gnarly grinders is kinda like invading Poland and annexing the Sudetenland, right?  I mean, it’s just Tube City, dude, and Polski don’t surf.

The gang’s leader, “Adolf,” looks more like Freddie Mercury than the Fuhrer and is borderline batshit to boot.  He is supported and semi-dominated by Eva (played by 80s B-queen Dawn Wildsmith), who is as nutcase as Adolf but considerably more able, and backed by enforcers named Hook (guess what he has for a hand…), Brutus, and the intelligent but twisted Mengele, who is played by veteran B-actor, director, and punk musician Michael Sonye.  Numerous hangers-on include a pathetic, teenaged wannabe named Smeg and a gaggle of tweens who serve as an unorganized Hitlerjugend of petty thieves and pickpockets.

Adolf calls a conference between the gangs and manages to bully them into following his nominal lead.  They will pay some tribute to the Surf Nazis and respect the boundaries of each others’ beaches, allowing Adolf and his followers to focus their energies on victimizing the populace, drinking beer, and surfing.

One day, one of the little Hitlerjugend tries to snatch a purse from an elderly woman on the shoreline, only to be foiled by Leroy Washington out for a jog at the beach.  Adolf witnesses the event and decides to take revenge, ordering Hook to deal with him.  Hook emasculates Washington with his custom-edged hook, and the next scenes show Mama Washington ID’ing the body and making “arrangements,” then agonizing in a chapel about God’s Will.  Doing a little self-investigating at the shoreline, Mama overhears Smeg bragging about the killing to a couple of beach-bimbos; she pressures him into coughing up the identities and details of the Surf Nazis and, presumably, their rivalries with the other surf-gangs.

Having nothing left to lose, Big Mama vows revenge and initiates a “Final Solution” of her own.  She goes to a pawn-shop, telling the owner, “I wanna buy a gun…but I’m more interested in something that’ll shoot the head off a honky at 20 paces.”  She ends up leaving with a Walther P-38 (an ironic touch on the director’s part as the 9mm P-38 was the primary sidearm of the Third Reich), a box of ammo, and a grenade.  She also begins a series of covert actions which turn the surf-gangs on each other, shattering the fragile truce between them and leading to the deaths of all rival gangs and the loss in battle of Brutus.

When the dust settles after the Beach of Long Knives, the surviving Surf Nazis retire to their graffiti-enhanced bunker to rest and recover; but Big Mama has other plans.  In the light of early dawn, Mama rolls a grenade down into the bunker which comes to rest right next to Hook’s soon-to-be-non-existent head.  The grenade detonates and, in another ironic twist by the director, Adolf and Eva become the ones who survive the Final Bunker Scene; Hook and Mengele are now riding the tails of Hell-bound Bings.  Laughing in maniacal triumph, Mama roars off on a motorcycle, only to be pursued by Adolf and Eva in the gang’s shark-themed van.

After a chase, Mama manages to corner them in the part-yard of an oil refinery, getting off some shots before they escape in a very bad directorial cut.  Suddenly, the fleeing pair are stealing the boards of two hapless surfers and paddling into the bay.  Mama uses her 9mm charms to convince a fisherman to follow them in his powerboat.  After a pass or two, the boat runs directly over Eva, demolishing her board and leaving her severed head bobbing amongst the debris.  On the next pass, Adolf kills the boat’s owner with a throwing knife, leaving Mama to struggle with the controls.  Just as she regains control, Adolf appears over the fantail and tries to stab her; Mama is aware of him, however, and shoves the barrel of the Walther down Adolf’s throat, gagging him.  Just before she squeezes the trigger, she delivers one of the best B-grade, pre-mortem one-liners ever: “Taste some of  Mama’s home cooking, Adolf!” She blows out the back of his head and his corpse goes overboard as she laughs.

Final scene: Mama rides off on her motorcycle, laughing.  The End.

While this film suffers from bad photography, poor special effects, and a badly-written script, it does have some good points: a dark sense of humor; some of the old ultraviolence (and speaking of which, Hook is used as a vehicle for a few visual references to Kubrick’s Clockwork Orange); rather interesting performances by Sonye and Wildsmith (I said “interesting,” not “good”); a decent helping of 80s surf lingo, and a far better soundtrack than I would have expected.  While it is not in the league of Troma’s greatest triumph, The Toxic Avenger, it is still well-worth the time invested; if you’re in the mood for some sand and surf, it sure as hell beats watching Frankie and Annette.

.

roadside attractions

  • Breasts, ‘boards, and beer
  • Pistol Packin’ Mama
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Mengele licks the blood of a rival off his knife-blade

5

blood

BREASTS

Covered and uncovered, including Wildsmith’s

0

beast

BEASTS

Not even a dead jellyfish in the shore-break

3.5 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer to Surf Nazis Must Die

trailers

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Aug

Slumber Party Massacre 2
“The party begins when the lights go out!”

1987 – R – 74 Minutes – Shout! Factory
Starring – Crystal Bernard, Atanas Ilitch, Heidi Kozak – Directed by Deborah Brock

So we have this really controversial, popular film that has some clever jabs about women in horror films… what should we do? Make a sequel, but this time let’s tone all that down and make up for that with a silly villain. Oh and get that chick who played Helen in Wings. Also since the first one had a female director, so we’re gonna need one too. Throw in some topless pillow fights and rock and roll and now we have Slumber Party Massacre II!

I think just about every slasher film in the 80’s had a sequel. After all, it was basically like printing money. But there was something those sequels were all missing that the original had; heart. Is that what I want to say? The original would often have a lot of style or something about it that would stick out and make it popular, so the sequels always tried to repeat that, often making for a bland rehash of the first film. So is Slumber Party Massacre II an exception?

Rather than give us a disposable random character, the film actually centers on Valerie’s sister Courtney, who seems to be suffering from nightmares ever since the events of the first film. Her nightmares consist of… and I kid you not… a Rockabilly serial killer with a drill at the end of his guitar as he torments Valerie in the institution where she now resides and warns Courtney not to “go all the way.” Courtney should consider herself lucky. My nightmares consist of an endless date with Miley Cyrus, only she has the voice of Steve Urkel and won’t shut up about which guy from Supernatural she thinks is cuter.

spm2_2Courtney is (now) a real shy and quiet girl, which kinda seems like the polar opposite of her character from the first film, who has a crush on a super hunky dude Matt and invites him over to watch her all girl pop rock band practice. Oh yeah, she’s in a band now too. Are we sure this is the same girl? Seems like quite a departure from the foul mouthed, bratty pervert. Courtney finally gathers up the courage to invite Matt out to Sheila’s dad’s condo for the weekend. Just a few days of R&R, partying, rocking out and definitely not getting butchered or have premarital sex. Hopefully she can convince mom.

Although the weekend would be her birthday and they are suppose to visit Valerie, Courtney actually makes a solid argument that she doesn’t want to spend her birthday in an institution, so off to the condo to get wasted with the other gals from the band and an all girl band calls for a roll call! There’s the oversexed lead singer Sheila (Juliette Cummins who played Robin in Friday the 13th Part V), the drummer Sally (Heidi Kozak who would go on the next year to be in Friday the 13th Part VII) and the timid, but not as timid as our heroine, Amy. Now that we have these girls in a room isolated from any authority figures, it’s time to pay ever so discreetly to fan service by having the girls deepthroat corndogs and stripdown for a topless pillow fight while spraying champagne all over each other, complete with some slo-mo!

For some reason all I can think is dirty thoughts. This movie was being so subtle, it must have been messing with my mind!

spm2_3And it wouldn’t be a traditional 80’s screwball horror flick if two of the boyfriends didn’t arrive just in time for the show. These two doofuses are Jeff and TJ, the latter of which is that stoner, raspy voiced guy who can’t stop chuckling at all his stupid jokes and says “dude” way more than any human being should be allowed to. Anyone can do his voice. Just ask your friend to do an impression of an 80’s surfer and that’s TJ’s voice. It’s like Keanu Reeves and Spicoli had an illegitimate child. Jeff is that non-defined 80’s guy in a polo with teased fluffy hair that has no personality. You see this guy in every film of that decade and you can’t for the life of you figure out why the characters would hang out with him. You know this pair; the leather jacket wearing slacker that hangs out with the preppy dude in sweaters. Even Matt stops by, so now that our buffet of victims is full, we can kick our exploitation film into high gear.

Courtney’s nightmares are becoming more intense and increasingly more difficult to deal with. Her friends blame it on the hangover, but Courtney can’t shake the feeling that something terrible is about to happen and she couldn’t be more right… TJ offers to heal her like a televangelist and tosses her in the pool, watching her kick and scream until she nearly drowns. The jerk even has a stinger prepared after he apologizes. Seeing as how that friendly traumatic experience didn’t help, Courtney is now having wide awake nightmares, envisioning things like blood pouring out of the bathtub and one of the sickest, gross out moments a film could pull, a giant zit growing on Sally’s face and then exploding, soaking her. This is a moment that should include a barf bag.

After this, Sally winds up missing and further drives Courtney mad. She tries to convince the others that the hallucinations are real, until Officers Voorhees and Krueger show up to ridicule her mental illness. As they finish up their top notch police work, Sally appears with the excuse that she met “some hot guy.” Case closed. Courtney is feeling ashamed and full of low self esteem, which is perfect timing with Matt to go all the way! Just as they are about to, he is ‘penetrated’ with that guitar drill and our rocker pulls his arm off, cackling. Courtney panics and runs to warn the others in an incoherent, blubbering way. At a glance, they don’t believe her, but why on Earth is she covered in blood? They are soon about to find out why! Like ducks in a row (is that the expression?), they meet their demise at the end of the drill, including TJ who gets a leg injury first, forcing him to hobble around like a wounded animal.

I was rooting for TJ to get killed the entire film and when he finally did, I was filled with glee. Not Glee the TV show, that would be stupid, but happiness. But this was a different feeling that you get when there is an obnoxious character you want to get the axe. You see, I actually didn’t mind TJ, mostly due to all the cliches his character played up to. The actor Joel Hoffman was clearly having a blast and as intolerable as a character like that can be, he still manages to make you chuckle with his idiot antics. It’s not like something like Hostel where every character is that character and it makes watching the film insufferable.

spm2_4As Courtney and the survivors dwindle down in numbers, the moment you knew would happen (and hoped for) finally happens… a sing and dance number! It’s surprisingly a catchy little tune and the scene is lit like a giallo film as the killer performs his act, even breaking the fourth wall. But like all musical number, they must end, as Courtney is chased to the roof of a building under construction and she sets him ablaze with no resistance, like he accepts his fate. Either that and he realized he wants out of the movie.

The sun rises, it’s now morning and the police are cleaning up the mess. Courtney, looking understandably in total shock, stops to look at Amy’s body who rises to life with laughter! With a gasp of air, Courtney wakes up next to Matt naked. It was all a dream and she is plagued with guilt after having nightmares about her sister telling her not to go all the way (?). But WAIT! It’s not really Matt! It’s the killer! Now she wakes up… again… in a small room shrieking at the top of her lungs as a drill boars through the floor, symbolizing the danger of sex? Maybe? So… she’s crazy just like her sister and it’s hereditary? The ending has so many twists that even M. Night would tell them to tone it down. I don’t think the ending was trying to be symbolic of anything or have a deeper meaning, but just a twist for the sake of a twist. This was at a time where a twist ending would come along and work, so the next several dozen movies would try to do the same thing even if it made no sense or didn’t fit.

To be honest, I didn’t like this film the first time I saw it. I thought it was stupid and didn’t make sense and was too goofy, like nothing fit together. I can admit when I’m wrong and I must have been watching this movie with my eyes closed because after a another viewing, I actually liked it. Do I like it as much as the first film? Definitely not, but I think my opinion was misguided the first time. For starters, having the girls in this home doing very stereotypical 80’s teen girl sleepover stuff and being in a slasher film, the whole thing feels like Night Trap! I keep expecting to see Commander Simms pop up and pull the plug on me for not protecting them. For me, that feeling is a good thing and it’s resonates throughout the film. What I at first thought to be a cornball, half heart shlocky attempt at cashing in on a sequel to a slasher (it is, but hang on…) turned out to be this massively fun, highly enjoyable slasher that gives you exactly what you are looking for out of an exploitation film.

Slumber Party Massacre 2
Minus the incoherent mess of an ending, Slumber Party Massacre II is a lot of fun, which comes to no surprise from a Roger Corman produced movie. It’s evenly placed and doesn’t run on too long. It’s a popcorn flick filled with exactly what you want: nudity, blood, humor and all the great ingredients to make that perfect cheesy flick. Although it’s evident it wasn’t the filmmakers intention to make a goofball horror-comedy, that’s how it turned out. Nine times out of ten, that is a bad thing, but everything here works. So invite the girls over, slap each other silly with 100 goose down pillows and pop the cork on that champagne! Watch this flick for a good time.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • A Nightmare on… whatever street Slumber Party Massacre II takes place on.
  • Rock-a-billy nightmare!
  • Pillow fight!
  • TJ.
  • Driller killer.
  • Poppin’ a zit!
  • Slumber Party Inception Massacre.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Blood splatters and sprays, limbs fly and zits pop!

7

blood

BREASTS

It wouldn’t be a Corman flick without ‘em.

4

beast

BEASTS

The killer is far too enjoyable as a performer than to be scared of him. Still, pretty cool.

6 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the entire movie!

trailers

dripper
Aug

poltergiest 2

When I used to  buy real music albums before they became these darn interweb downloads, they used to have 2 actual sides on a record. Yup, you had to get up and flip a record to listen to more Mili Vanili or what we referred to in my days to as “mood killers.”  Most of the time  the “a” side would have all those top hits you’d hear on the radio but the b-side would be the leftovers, the forgottens, the land of misfit songs. Occasionally you’d find a hidden gem in the rubble of Casio loop tracks that was actually pretty good. It’s the same way I feel about Poltergiest 2: the other side. Heck, even it’s title says “b-side” and in comparison to the original it isn’t nearly as good but still has a few clever moments.

poltergiest 2Since all those fun times in Cuesta Verda when their house imploded, the Freelings have moved in with their Grandma Jess.  Steve Freeling (Craig T Nelson) has  started selling vacuums to pay the bills but is saving a ton on cable without a demon ready TV. Little Carol Anne has become a clairvoyant but only uses her powers to pick out yarn colors with her hands. Sure she’ll get made fun of in school but just wait until senior prom when there’s a bucket of pig blood. Also there’s the younger brother Robby. He’s bummed they don’t have a TV but still hates clowns and trees. Rightfully so, I think that kid had a tougher time that  Carol Anne did at the old house. Oh, and what the heck happened to older sister? Where did she run off to? Did she go to college? end up in loony bin? Nobody even mentions her. It’s as if she got wrote out of existence like that dog in the Brady Bunch.

One night Grandma Jess dies in her sleep so The poltergeist take the opportunity to call up Carol Anne on her toy phone and harass her like A Comcast sales rep. Long distances rates to hell are actually quite reasonable that time of night so some evil spirits escape into the wall shaking the house violently and send the Freeling family packin’. Taylor, a wise indian stops them on their way out telling them it’s better to stay and fight the evil. Steven says Taylor can stay but he’s taking his family to a  diner to drown their sorrows in milkshakes and talk to possessed ladies at the pie carousel.

poltergiest 2The next day Carol Anne gets stalked at the mall by a old preacher named Kane dressed as an emo Colonel Sanders. He catches Carol Anne and sings her a song until her mother, Diane finds her. She thanks him and runs away missing out on all the great mom jeans sales. Meanwhile, Steven has gone out in the desert to smoke Indian weed in a hut with his new BIP (Best Indian Pal.) He’s hoping to get in touch with his inner warrior or stoned hippie but hallucinates some bad special effects instead. At least he gets a cool Eagle feather out of the trip.
The Freelings return to the house after Taylor did a quick ghost cleaning which strangely smells like bleach, but the old preacher shows up the next day on their sidewalk telling them they’re “all going to dieee in thereeee!!”. Those are some mighty aggressive door-to-door sales techniques. Steve tells him to take a hike and Robby’s braces try to strangle him that night in the bathroom. It’s Orthodonics of the damned!

Tangina the tiny psychic finally shows up to help Diana tap her own psychic powers and discover the history of Kane who buried all his followers in a cave below the Freelings old house. Steven doesn’t handle the news well and becomes a raging alcoholic who drinks some tequila with a demonic worm in it. It possesses him briefly making him…. well…. a bigger raging alcoholic.  He upchucks it thanks to the Power of Love and it becomes a big demonic spider monkey instead.  It tries to choke him in the foyer but Steven fights it off with a puff of holy smoke. Lucky he inhaled but didn’t swallow.

The family flees the house  in their station wagon pursued by possessed chainsaws and angry jumper cables and they decided to head back to Cuesta Verde to do battle with Kane on his home turf. Once in their abandoned neighborhood, They head down into the cave and jump into a magic fire Taylor prepared. They  float around a bit and stab the Kane monster with a spear from an indian souvenir shop before he can absorb Carol Anne. It amounts to the most anti climatic  battle since that one guy punched Justin Bieber in the face at the airport. The family emerge safely and are finally free from the evil’s clutches and other movie contractual obligations. Yes, Craig T. Nelson could finally go on to make and even worse evil…Coach.

Poltergiest 2 is a fun ride despite being very psychic munkchin light. Barry Goodall says take a trip to other side but always bring an Indian pal along for the ride.

roadside attractions

  • Creepy Colonal Sanders
  • More Zombie-fu
  • Taquilla Posession
  • Indian Fireside Cookouts
  • Orthodonic posession
  • Cave Spelunking
  • Levitating Chainsaw
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

More goo that red stuff but nobody should ever drink taquila,ever!

0

blood

BREASTS

It’s Freeling family friendly terror. No nudity allowed.

9

beast

BEASTS

A creepy preacher, evil taquilla worn, squid people, a lot of zombies, some weird spider monkey demon thing that climbs walls.

8.2 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to “Poltergiest 2: the Other Side”

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Aug

posted by Blake | August 18, 2014 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie

robo vampires

I have been watching B-films since I was a kid, recognizing at an early age that low-budget cinema is usually far more entertaining than the latest Michael Bay blockbusters.  Occasionally I run across a movie that shatters all of my previously-held notions of just what constitutes a “bad” film, leaving me slack-jawed at Man’s capacity to produce truly abysmal art.  “Robo Vampire” is one such movie, a cinematic singularity from which no particle of light escapes; I was humbled by it.

The film was cobbled together in 1988 by Filmark Intl. Ltd., the brainchild of Tomas Tang, producer and often director of very-low-budget action movies featuring ninjas, sorcerers, jiang shi, and anything else that was in vogue at the moment.  The director is listed as “Joe Livingstone,” a pseudonym for either Tang, himself, or his mentor and onetime-partner Godfrey Ho.  Apparently, there was a jiang shi craze in Hong Kong films at the time, and Verhoeven’s “Robocop” had been released the previous year to great acclaim, and since Tang usually produced low-budget kung fu films featuring drug triads, well….why not slap all three together and try to hit one out of the park?  This makes the plot amusingly moronic at best, confusing and aimless at worst.

Adding to its incoherence, “Robo Vampire” is actually two separate films fused artlessly together by bad dubbing and butcher-block cutting and splicing.  The first is a kung fu/jiang shi/Robocop rip-off set and filmed in Hong Kong, featuring a war between a heroin kingpin and the paramilitary drug enforcement agency trying to bring him down. The second is a wholly-uncredited Thai film featuring actor Sorapong Chatree who is something of a legend in Thailand. Although the Thai film is pure filler and contributes nothing towards advancing the plotline of the movie, it’s not a complete wash: it does contribute a couple of babes, a rape scene (obligatory for all Asian action B-films), a really bad come-on line, a Thai girl cutting open and sewing up a real cow and one of the most ludicrous stunt stand-ins I’ve ever seen.

robo vampireA  plot summary of this movie deserves a book, but here’s the gist of it.  A Hong Kong drug lord, Mr. Yung (played by a Guido Sarducci stunt double) is being vexed by Hong Kong’s paramilitary anti-drug squad, led by the apparently 16-year-old Mr. Glenn.  Glenn’s best agent is Tom the Goddamned Anti-Drug Agent (hereafter Tom GADA) who leads several successful busts, drawing the ire of Guido.  Guido then does what any good Italian Triad leader does: he hires a Taoist sorcerer-priest to train a special squad of jiang shi (a uniquely Chinese hybrid of psychic vampire and zombie) to deal with the situation.

Scene in Hong Kong, where the Taoist is demonstrating the effectiveness of the Vampire ProjectTM to some skeptics from the “Organization”; this movie is full of characters who drift in and out at need and are never explained nor seen again, like Red Shirts on the Enterprise.  He proceeds to transform one of the jiang shi into a “Vampire Monster,” which adds wearing a gorilla suit off the Clearance rack at Spirit to its already formidable undead powers.  Towards the end of the scene, a Caucasian female ghost enters fly-by-wire and challenges the Taoist.  In a badly-acted exposition she states that her name is Christine, that the Vampire Monster is her lover Peter, and that since they were banned from marriage by his Chinese parents, they committed suicide to be together in the afterlife but he has ruined their plans.  While this scene is ludicrous and cumbersome, the sting of it is taken away by the fact that Christine is wearing a very sheer white ghost-gown and is obviously bra-less.

robo vampireElsewhere, Tom GADA is killed by the Vampire Beast in a failed attempt to bust the Taoist and there’s some Thai film segments to add confusion.  Cut to a hospital.  Ex-Tom is lying on a slab, and his best friend and boss Teen Glenn casually authorizes a Nameless Tech to begin transforming his corpse into “an android-like robot” (his exact words).  The Tech begins shoving enormous, kludgy late-70s components into ex-Tom’s chromed and bisected torso, then sealing him up using a blowtorch (a sparkler stuck on a cardboard handle).  “RoboWarrior” is then activated, and some of his skills are shown on a firing range.  Unfortunately, RoboWarrior looks like the type of abysmal, amateurish cosplay gear you generally see worn by high-school kids at fourth-rate Cons. Someone from Costuming scored a bunch of those silver rayon sleeveless vests popular back in the early 80s and cut them up, then spray-glued them to cardboard cutouts and cricket padding sewn on a pair of coveralls; it’s that bad.

After some intervening Thai-film filler, Guido and two henchmen are being pursued along a shoreline by RoboWarrior but they lead him into a trap—-a circle of flames!   He burrows in the sand and escapes by digging his way clear, then fights off four jiang shi before one of Guido’s boys takes him down with a Light Antitank Weapon.  He “deactivates” in a fireball, giving us another great moment in this film: the “robot” that explodes in flames is a rag doll soaked in gasoline and wrapped in tinfoil (see photo).  This also points out one of the central production details of this movie: there is not a single special effect in this film that is not derived from fireworks or gasoline.  Even the gunfire in the Hong Kong half of the film is all black powder cap work with a badly-dubbed sound effects track.

Cut to the hospital again, with RoboWarrior back on the table again.  The attending doctor declares, “I’m afraid he short-circuited,” but the Nameless Tech retorts that it’s “not that serious.”  A few turns with a cheap, cordless power screwdriver, a few significant glances among the staff, and another session with the sparkler-torch and RoboWarrior rises again!

I can’t think of any other film with the pure genius to show a ghost and a gorilla vampire having sex, only to be interrupted by a robot hunting an Asian drug lord and his henchmen, because that is exactly what comes next.   After some come-hither glances, Christine the bra-less ghost and Peter the vampire gorilla begin some bizarre Monster Mash foreplay followed by the bump-and-grind to consummate their “marriage” from earlier in the film.  Unfortunately, their coitus goes interruptus through RoboWarrior, and monkey-boy’s not about to tag him in.  Christine puts on the frightened-girl act, begging (paradoxically) “Please don’t kill us, we love each other!  You can kill us but wait until our love is consummated.”  This gives RoboWarrior a flashback to his days as Tom GADA and the night his wife dumped him because he was a cop.  This sad imitation of a Murphy Moment has nothing to do with the scene at hand, but since that can be said about 75% of the film that isn’t a real problem.  The happy couple take advantage of his confusion to fight him to a standstill, the scene ending with the two of them doing a Riffraff/Magenta thing.  There is no sign of RoboWarrior, and no explanation of where he has gone.

After another section of Thai-film filler, we finally get to the Big Showdown: Guido and his boys face RoboWarrior and get wasted.  The four jiang shi then attack, only to fall one-by-one.  Finally, the Vampire Monster and RoboWarrior go head-to-head in a hopping battle across half of Hong Kong.  Elsewhere, Christine the bra-less ghost attacks the Taoist for reasons unknown, but after she strips her gown off (again inexplicably, but who cares?) he banishes her by writing a spell across her cleavage.  He then calls more jiang shi as reinforcements against RoboWarrior, but Christine comes flouncing back out of nowhere and claws his face, killing him. She is not seen again. The four new jiang shi fall, then RoboWarrior fires his flamethrower out of the barrel of his machine gun and torches the Vampire Monster (the stream of fire is actually a gasoline-soaked length of rope stretched from the gun-barrel to the target…really).  The Vampire Monster is finished, as we know because the gasoline-soaked rag doll in his robes and suspended from a rope off a balcony is burning while he howls.

RoboWarrior marches away from the corpses and the ruins.  The End.

If all of this sounds somewhat incoherent, good; it is, and I haven’t even mentioned half of it.   But if you’re into bad cinema, watching Robo Vampire is a mystical experience.   Check it out.

.

roadside attractions

  • Gorilla vampire-on-ghost sex
  • Two films for the price of one
  • “Android-like” robot
  • Robocop cosplay tips
  • Gasoline and fireworks
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Eye-gouging, flesh devouring, real cow-gutting

3

blood

BREASTS

Ghostly but firm

4

beast

BEASTS

Jiang shi, “Vampire Monster”, sexy specter

3.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to Robo Vampire

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>