Archive for the '80’s movies' Category

Oct

Comments Off on Robot Jox

In post-apocalyyptic America international border disputes aren’t settled with trade embargoes, they’re solved with giant robots and laser beams while guitars blasts “They’re coming to America” over the loud speakers. Yes, It’s Robot Jox the biggest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever made. This time it’s the Russians turn as the evil super power trying to steal our land and likely pipe vodka through Alaska, but not if team USA can stop em first. Gary Graham stars as Achilles, the cocky and illiterate champion robot jox who leads a team of trainee that like to yell out “Crash and Burn” whenever someone needs a high five. His killbot career is going well until a match against a Russian named “alexander” makes it the biggest U.S. Russian brawl since Rocky 4. Unfortunately there’s no training montage and Achilles accidentally crushes a crowd of fans while diving in front of a wayward missile.  Have we learned nothing from Nascaar accidents? Achilles retires in shame taking on a full time bar stool warming job at the local cantina drinking away his shame. Meanwhile a genetically engineered and uncomfortably manly looking pilot trainee named Athena is climbing jungle gyms while her classmates fall to their death . She and Achilles have some awkward romantic moments in the hallway so when he learns that Athena was selected to battle Alexander, he decides to come out of retirement to protect her.

RobotJoxAthena  is furious with Achilles for taking her spot so she kick punches his face and drugs him at his apartment and disguises herself in his space suit instead. He awakens later not very upset since that’s usually how his first dates go anyways. Meanwhile, his managing cowboy “Tex Conway”  is discovered by their team engineer rigging the fights for the U.S. to lose. Tex shoots him in the head but forgets he was being recorded so tosses himself off a balcony to his death, cowboy hat and all. Back in the battle arena, Athena is getting pummeled by the Russian robot and Achilles has to jump in and try to save her. After battling the chainsaw crotched mech, Achilles crashes to the ground and the two pilots have battle man to man in a Star Trek staff fight with some robot shrapnel. Achilles gives a speech about world peace and good sportsmanship which leads to an awkward fist pump as the two become best buds, I kid you not.

Obviously not a lot of plot to get in the way of the action. Basically it’s just 2 robots tossing rockets and lasers at each other while at some  point one of them gets dry humped with a crotch chainsaw. Definitely check this one out, I give it 4 out of 5 Pacific Rims.

roadside attractions

  • Referee smashing
  • Crotch chainsaw
  • Crowd smashing
  • Jungle gym of death
  • Flying fist of robot fury
  • Gratuitous use of the term “Crash and Burn”
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much gore in this one but plenty of heavy metal damage.

5

blood

BREASTS

No breasts shots, but we get some hinder shots in this one.

9

beast

BEASTS

Giant robots and a burly russian.

8.5 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on The Nest

The Nest
1988 – R – MGM

Bugs, cockroaches specifically, are often considered to be “gross” or “icky” by the laymen. Yes, they’re creepy, they’re crawly and feared by the population. People will crush them with a book or whatever blunt instrument they have nearby. And yet, we idolize them. Countless numbers of toys are molded in their image, constructed like statues to honor our insect gods and Halloween is their day, as their image is molded into tasty treats for the little kiddies to eat. Thousands of movies feature them as the star, but always as the villain. Seems like those pesky cockroaches can’t catch a break. Fear and loved simultaneously, can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. They always seem to be causing problems, like in the not-so-smash-hit-feature, The Nest.

nest_3Take the small island of North Port, for example. Talk a about a big bug problem! Sheriff Richard Tarbell not only has this issue to deal with, but also the fact that he’s a stereotyped small town, 80’s sheriff. His mop haircut blankets a good portion of his head and apparently they only had the budget for half a uniform, since he’s always wearing jeans. A lot of movies in the 80’s dressed their local police up like they found a handful of Sheriff’s tops at a thrift store, but couldn’t find the pants. Oh and what would our cliched Sheriff be if he weren’t in cahoots with Mayor Elias’ daughter, who just came back and the reason they broke up was because she left? Oh and his current girlfriend works at the diner, because that’s the only other occupation in a small town. Haven’t you ever seen Squirm or the remake of The Blob? Luckily, he has his oddball exterminator friend, Homer, who I swear belongs in a video game. Seriously, the guy bops around on a busted moped, wearing glasses, a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts. Tell me you don’t see this character somewhere in Grand Theft Auto. Anyway, Homer has been noticing that his gas isn’t killing these roaches. Something different about these ones.

This is where the evil corporation, INTEC comes in, who are in cahoots with Mayor Elias. All we know for now is that INTEC is doing “stuff” and the mayor is getting money. Hey, good enough for me. Actually it turns out they have been experimenting with breeding mutant cockroaches! And why? Um… science? Huh, usually you only get either an evil corporation or mutants of some kind. Most movies can’t contain both an evil corporation and mutant bugs, but this movie grabs them both by the horns, throws them in a blender and shouts, “Suck it, society! I’m man enough for both!”

I digress.

Anyway, why exactly is INTEC making super mutant cockroaches that are impervious to gases and chemicals? Well, at first it sounds clever, but then when you think about it, it’s actually kind of stupid. You see, they bio-engineered a hybrid of cockroaches that would eat other cockroaches and then die off. See what you did there? As you read that, you went, “Oh…” which quickly turned to, “ehhh, huh?” INTEC sends in the foxy and diabolical Dr. Hubbard to keep an eye on the Mayor to make sure he doesn’t pull any fast ones. But, like every evil corporation that decides to play God, their experiment goes wrong and these cockroaches get the desire to eat meat! Whether it’s animal or human, it’s on the menu. Not to mention, these cockroaches seem to take form of whatever they devour, much like The Thing in… um, The Thing. This actually results in some pretty spectacular effects, for the most part.

nest_2Aside from a few chewed up animal carcasses, we get to witness the birth of a cockroach and cat hybrid. Now, nevermind the logistics of how an animal would be reanimated back to life after being eaten by bugs or if it’s the cockroaches working as a group to form this new species (think of the Constructicons from Transformers), just marvel at mother nature’s abortion as it gets squished by a bookshelf. And that’s not all! The mayor himself gets gobbled up to save his daughter. Although in retrospect, his sacrifice was pointless, since they both could have escaped to the same room, so I don’t see why he needed to lock himself in the bathroom. Well, if he didn’t do that, how else would we be able to show you a man turn into a giant cockroach? Remember Jeff Goldblum’s transformation scene in The Fly? If you don’t, consider this a refresher course.

Before the mayor “bugged out,” he managed to call in some sort of airstrike using gas, which would most likely kill everyone on the island. Homer and the Sheriff rush to fix the town’s lighthouse to signal the planes, but they are running out of time, as the roaches seem to be coming from everywhere. Like in Aliens, Hudson said it best when he said, “It’s a bug hunt!” So our heroes go to find a queen and destroy it. Upon searching the cave, they found what they are looking for and what they find is, again, similar to the Blair Monster from The Thing. Only this queen cockroach/human/skeleton/gloppy thing is… kinda silly. Gotta say. Well, let me back up a bit. It’s actually pretty cool, until it starts moving. The thing hovers around like someone is pushing a really fat person around in a wheel barrel and for being something that is supposed to have more than a few legs, it doesn’t move very organically. Luckily, the film’s saving grace for this monster is when it bites the top of Dr. Hubbard’s head off. Girl, she was all cray cray anyway.

This was done in the days when everything was done practically, before the lifeless CGI. Sure it’s easier, but just seeing thousands of live cockroaches, scurrying on the floor and up peoples legs. You can imagine hundreds of tiny, cold little legs tickling your skin and that horror you feel as you look to see dozens of cockroaches. It’s that feeling you know those bugs are real that send the shiver down your back and question the tickling feeling it’s getting. The film has plenty of those gross out moments, filled with plenty of blood and organs (especially the eyeball popping scene) and the monsters are actually pretty grotesque.

The Nest

A worthy contender to other bug movies, like Slugs, it’s also interesting to note that the film’s producer was Julie Corman, wife of Roger Corman! Making sanguinary, low budget gross out flicks must be a Corman tradition that I hope continues. Check out The Nest, now on Bluray from Scream! Factory and don’t let the bed bugs bite!

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Sheriff spit take.
  • Bug-O-Cam.
  • Cockroach Cafe.
  • Take a shot every time there is a subtle rip off of The Thing, The Fly or another Sci-Fi bug movie.
  • Mayor Roach!
  • Cat-roach!
  • Homer…
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Critters get eaten, eyes go popping, guts go splatting, gore goes everywhere!

3

blood

BREASTS

There’s a few busty ladies in this one.

10

beast

BEASTS

Evil corporation mutant-genetically engineered super cockroaches and their devil hybrid! Sign me up!

7 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on Blood Hook

Blood Hook

Nothing quite like relaxing at the lake in your boat with your friends. That’s right; you, you’re friends and your Johnson… Anyone remember that? Anyone? Well anyway, it was all fun and games, until your pal (most likely nicknamed ‘Smitty’) drank one too many Milwaukee’s Best and then got snagged by a giant lure, dragged off the boat and murdered. Sound familiar? Then welcome to the world of Blood Hook, where someone has bigger fish to catch… like human!

After a traumatic scene of a boy watching his grandfather grip at his face and sink into the lake while disregarding the laws of science and sinking rather than floating (there’s your backstory, ladies and gents), we cut to seventeen years later as that boy, Peter (who delivers every line through a stuffy nose), his girlfriend Ann and a group of his friends are going to a cabin on the lake for some partying. Can’t say I’ve ever heard that plot before. I’m sure they will be fine and live full, healthy lives. But in all seriousness, they are there to do just more than party. This cabin use to be Peter’s grandfather’s and good ol’ salty Mr. Duerst has been keeping an eye on the place with the help of Evelyn (I didn’t know Evelyn was a man’s name), a porky Vietnam vet with post traumatic stress disorder. Just the kind of people you want hanging around on your property drinking cheap, watery American beer all day. Oh and let’s not forget about Mr. Leudke, who’s Bratwurst accent is so thick you would want to drizzle syrup all over it. It’s ripe for some MST3K style riffing…

bh_2The gang is in town just in time for Muskie Madness, a fishing competition to see who can catch the largest Muskie! Fishing competition? What is this, Wisconsin? Oh, it is. Families arrive for the festivities, like the unnamed dysfunctional family whose mother is obsessed with loons (the scene where she walks along the dock making loon noises is priceless). Anyway, Peter’s really annoying friend and music lover, Rodney, has been all over town irritating the locals and listening to the same song over and over… and over… and over. Get use to hearing that song, because it’s basically the only song you will hear the entire film. Finally, the movie can’t tolerate him anymore and decides he needs to die, sparing you and I another line of 80’s slang from his oily face. On a boat alone, he gets snagged by a foot long lure and dragged into the water never to be seen again. They find the boat the next day and Peter thinks he’s been murdered, probably because he was. But the Sheriff won’t hear about it since, “There ain’t been no murder in seventeen years!” The Sheriff can’t go screaming bloody murder and upsetting the 30,000 people there (the US’s entire Packers fan population) for Muski Madness, although you only see about 27 people at most and… really? 30,000 people show up in Middle-of-nowhere, Wisconsin for a fishing festival that only has a stage no larger than the back of a truck? Never mind that, Peter thinks it was Evelyn, due to him wanting to ‘blow things away’, but the chubby little schizo is innocent. But no more of that nonsense, the Sheriff has forms to fill out.

At the competition, we are introduced to Bev. She’s a single mom, obsessed with running and sit-ups and would fit in quite nicely with any ‘bro’ at Bally’s Total Fitness. I won’t go into her parenting skills, but let’s just say I wouldn’t trust her to watch paint dry. She crushes on Peter’s manic depressive friend Finner and she comments on his nice pole (fishing pole, you perv!). Inbetween all of the fishing, bad parenting and everything involving the Packers, you may have noticed that people are getting snagged by this killer lure when that song is playing. At first you may be thinking it was the only song they could afford, but they do manage to tie it in. It would seem our killer has a metal plate in his head, resonating all kinds of frequencies in his brain and making him go all Norman Bates. But let’s be real, after hearing that song a dozen times, even I wanted to kill someone. Peter discovers the identity of the killer after all of friends are already dead, but still may be able to save his girlfriend, so I guess you win some and you lose some. With the help of Evelyn (still can’t get over that) and Mr. Duerst, they set out to stop the madman and catch the largest Muskie Wisconsin could ever dream of. Now that’s a big Muskie.

bh_2It’s a unique little slasher film, substituting a fishing lure for a butcher knife. You get the feel that this film was written and directed by Wisconsin natives and are well aware off all of their oddball stereotypes and decided to have fun with it, without making it an obvious spoof. It does take itself semi-serious, especially in the final act. What it lacks in guts (literally, not a whole lot of gore), it makes up in heart and director Jim Mallon shows it… Wait a second. Fishing, Wisconsin, Jim Mallon… this is all beginning to add up. That’s right! Mystery Science Theater 3000 director Jim Mallon directed this film. And to add some more shock on top of that, Kevin Murphy, voice of Tom Servo, was a key grip. My mind… is… imploding right now. When watching Blood Hook, you can’t but help think how perfect of an MST3K episode this would have made. Now it all makes sense. So catch Muskie fever and watch this and if you feel up to it, tape a couple silhouettes in the bottom right corner of your TV.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Muskie Madness is bigger than Woodstock.
  • Good luck getting that song out of your head.
  • Master ‘baiter’!
  • Unlucky lure.
  • The sparrow song of the Loon Lady.
  • ‘Ears’ looking at you, kid!
  • Characters have slightly more dignity than those in Hobgoblins.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Tame amounts of blood, severed ear and corpses all strung together. Consider this ‘Troma-Light’.

3

blood

BREASTS

Ann shows off fan favorite ‘side-boob’.

7

beast

BEASTS

I’d rather deal with the killer than Evelyn any day.

5 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 9, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Forbidden World (aka Mutant)

Tagline: A Science Fiction Horror Adventure That’ll Blow You Away!

Year: 1982 Runtime: 77 min

Director: Allan Holzman

Writer: Tim Curnen

Starring: Jesse Vint, Dawn Dunlap, June Chadwick

I knew I was in for some quality entertainment when the first thing I noticed was the Rent-a-center Stormtrooper. Lucas, or more precisely his lawyers, didn’t bother to go after Forbidden World because its stormtrooper is gray and uhm-tarded. Cheap whore, thy name is Roger Corman. God love him.

And then they crank the knob all the way to AWE-some!

Space Food Pirates™ are in the sector and up to no good. Luckily SAM-104, the gray stormtrooper robot thing, knows what to do—put on some classical music ‘cos it’s out of copyright, erhm… I mean… ‘cos it  makes for a classy space battle scene. Oh yeah, and wake Space Troubleshooter Extraodinare™ Mike Colby. If anyone can handle Space Food Pirates™, Mike can.

Normally the stasis revival process is a banal procedure but due to Colby’s ESTP, Extraordinary Space Troubleshooter Perceptions™, as he is coming out of stasis he experiences clairvoyant flashes. These flickering images of things to come are in no way explained. One only knows what these random things are once they sat through the movie. In other words, it’s a hot mess of confusing things-that-are-happening, all of which are completely out of context. There is, however, quite a few breast shots, even a nice girl/girl shower frame, to help distract from the complete lack of coherency.

Enough of that, there’s a space battle to be had. (The editing, like the review so far, is a bit ADD.)

Naturally the space battle is handled with the same brilliance and attention to detail. Namely, Colby and SAM pilot their ship by throwing switches and pushing buttons, which everyone knows is MUCH easier than using a joystick. Amirite? So, after a few flips, mashes, and a completely unconvincing, I mean, absolutely nerve wrecking power outage, the Space Food Pirates™ are destroyed. Phew. That chewed up some runtime.

Realizing that none of this has advanced the film’s plot, SAM steers things back on course, quite literally, by changing their destination. Whereas Colby and SAM were originally headed home for some much needed R&R, now Galactic Head Quarters has called them back to duty. Something has gone wrong in the genetic research station on the remote planet of Xarbia and only Colby can set it right. When you know excellence you ask for it by name, which makes their choice of Colby completely baffling.

The research facility is working on “the food problem”. Though never explicitly detailed—they haven’t explained anything yet in this film so why start now—from context I guessed the problem to be there’s not enough food to go around. GHQ created the Xarbia lab, with state of the art equipment to tackle the issue. No expense was spared when outfitting it. Well… with the tools at least. Where the staff is concerned, eh, not so much. It was placed on Xarbia to allow for more “risky” experimentation than could be done elsewhere. That is to say, they put the idiots as far away as possible in case they made an oopsie.

When you spare no expense to equip morons with tools to manipulate genes, hilarity, and/or burning, explosive diarrhea is sure to follow.

These people can’t really be idiots/morons, can they? Considering the immense financial burden of such an undertaking, not to mention the possible cost to humanity if they were to fail, I use the terms idiots and morons because there’s not a stronger term without resorting to expletives. These mental giants’ best idea is to splice genes of various plants and animals with Proto B. Proto B is this crazy bacteria that multiplies like rabbits on Spanish Fly while constantly changing genetic structure. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to work out the obvious catastrophe here. Two immediately come to mind:

  1. With such a reproductive rate might it not eventually take over everything, destroying all in its path. You know, like cancer?
  2. If it’s constantly changing genetic structure might it not eventually become something that is NOT food? It might be a cow-like thing, then a pretty flower-like thing, then a goat-like thing, then a deadly virus-like thing, then a testicle-like thing, then a genetic mutant killing machine-like thing, etc., etc.?

Uh. This kind of depravity makes The Baby Einstein cry. And we all know that when The Baby Einstein cries Herr Schrödinger’s cat dies.

Yet, just when you think the madness has plateaued… The genetic mutant destroys the lab, claims his first human victim, and breaks out of the airtight, sterile environment. What does everyone do? They go night-night, of course. Everyone together now: What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

By night-night I mean it’s time for the sex scene. Sort of. There’s nudity but what is happening defies description, though I’ll do my best. The ambience is set with porn reject music synthesized through a voice box as someone is violently barfing. The hoochi-coochi lick ‘em yum yums is more like two blind people in the throes of grand mal seizures while playing twister than people making love. To make it even less sexy, the lurvin’ is interspersed with shots of the security guard hunting the genetic mutant. It goes something like this: Boob. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Thigh. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Shoulder. What in the hell is the editor trying to convey here? I was so confused I had to watch my dog clean his junk for about an hour before the world made sense again.

Where the crews’ actions exemplify their doltishness, their dialogue is the fly slurping in mindless bliss on a puddle of Space Scientist Affluence™.

Space Scientist: “This creature is intelligent.”

Colby: “How do you figure that?”

Uhm, maybe because it has strategically cut off all escape and communication. Oh, and it’s “keyed into the computers.” Most importantly it’s half human. Wait… What?!? Half human? Aren’t they supposed to be making an alternate food source? Subject 20 is people!

Space Scientist: “Here it comes. This is the analysis of the gelatinous tissue. This should tell me what it is made of.”

Really? What’dya know. So that’s what ANALYSIS means.

Ah, but the coup de grace is truly the feather in Forbidden World’s cap. How do you kill a genetic mutant? Feed it cancer. It’s all very scientific. I’ll ‘splain it terms that even the personnel on Xarbia station can understand. Cancer instantly reacts with the genetic mutant’s genetics causing it to vomit a genetic hallucinogenic foam. Then it dies. Meanwhile the foam causes anyone in the vicinity to relive the movie. It’s called a Space Runtime Filler™, and the main effect is free footage to pad out the movie to a feature-length. For those keeping record, these visions are exactly mostly the same flashes from the beginning. Mostly. Getting triple use out of the footage, classic Corman.

Lastly, there is a “Director’s Cut” with an additional 5 minutes of footage. I can’t imagine what didn’t make the original cut that just HAD to be re-released as the definitive version of the film. Plus, with all the padding, who decided to cut the footage to begin with? Sigh. Regardless, it’s in my netflix queue, so I’ll let you know when I find out.

roadside attractions

  • Hear wondrous space lingo like, “Ding whopper!”
  • Witness the universes’ foremost bacteriologist constantly cough on everyone and everything!
  • Wonder at the futurific sunglasses used while relaxing in the tanning bed/sauna/shower thing!
  • Thrill at the TWO types of showers on the station! (Like I said, no expense was spared.)
  • Watch as a “scientist’s” ungloved fingers pokes around in the goop that was the first victim!
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Everything in the lab was eviscerated, and that’s before we get to the good stuff.

8

blood

BREASTS

Space Womerns can’t wait to get nekkid.

6

beast

BEASTS

Great green gobs of greasy grimy genetic mutant stuff.

7 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by Barry Goodall | September 1, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Amityville 3D

Amityville 3d

Made for TV’s Tony Roberts and Candy Clark are investigating fake seances when they uncover some paranormal tom foolery at the infamous Amittyville house. After exposing the scam artists, Tony buys the home cheap from the realtor who later gets his face eaten by flies and dies in his attic. That doesn’t seem to really shock anyone. Sure a haunted houses comes with a few demonic insect swarms but those bleeding walls mean you don’t have to decorate for halloween.

amityville 3dTony later uncovers a major plumbing problem in the basement with a uncapped drainage well that goes straight to hell. It keeps filling his house with demonic spirits but at least that will keep his heating costs low in the winter. Candy stops in later when Tony is away and gets blasted by some extreme ice mint flavor coming up from the basement and is found huddled freezing on the floor. She hightails it out of there only to be impaled by a plumber’s pipe and trapped in her own burning car. The worst case of freezer burn ever.

Thickheaded Tony is still not convinced his house is haunted despite just having a free ride on a demonic shake and bake elevator at work and invites his daughter Lori Loughlin to stop by. She brings four of her pals including a young Meg Ryan for a little demon house warming party. After flirting with Tony, Meg gets out the ouija board and gets the ghosts riled up enough to start breaking glassware. Or it’s could just be Meg’s insane levels of perkiness. It’s like holy water to evil spirits.

Tony’s ex-wife shows up later just as Lori gets killed in a boating accident returning as a drippy zombie that hides in her room. After seeing her daughters ghost, Tony’s ex convinces him to hire a rookie scientist and his crew to investigate but they all get sucked up into a vortex of evil by a fire breathing gillman from the basement’s hell pit. Tony and his wife escape just in time to watch the house explode in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics which somehow still leaves the front porch lights on. Its just too bad everyone else was already killed and had to miss the show. Barry Goodall says this movie could have used more of the 3B’s and less of the 3D but check it out if you got a hankerin’ for gratuitous objects thrust at you. “A FRISBEE!!! A BOOM MIC!!! SPITTLE! A FLASHLIGHT!!! OH THE HORROR!!!”

roadside attractions

  • Death by fly smothering
  • Ghost puppets
  • Face shish-kabob
  • Dry well entrances to hell
  • Demonic photoshopping
  • Car-side BBQ
  • Flame thrower death pit
  • Door smashing
  • Glowing orbe
  • Sail fish harpooning
  • Multiple exploding houses
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much blood but lots of people getting killed by flames.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…this must be that “family friendly horror” I hear the Disney folks talking about.

9

beast

BEASTS

flies and some weird demon gillman that lives in the basement. Another reason to make sure your kids move out when they’re 20.

4.5 OVERALL
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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>