Archive for the '80’s movies' Category

Jun

Comments Off on The Galaxy Invader

Galaxy Invader screen capture.

Aliens meeting rednecks is a subject close to my heart. Hell, that’s how we came to have Uncle Spacey locked up in the attic on the family farm. While The Galaxy Invader only features one alien, it has a metric ton of rednecks. This leads to many classic double negative filled quotes, including “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like this b’fore!”, “We don’t need no women!”, and “I don’t want you sayin’ nothin’ to nobody!” If you ever wanna piss off a grammar snob, give ‘em a copy of this flick.

Galaxy Invader

If Larry the Cable Guy decided to remake E.T., but spent 99% of the budget on Coors Light and Laffy Taffy, you might get something close to The Galaxy Invader. An alien crashes in the backwoods near a one brain cell town, and well, hilarity ensues. And how. Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will recognize the film, as bits were used in the credits for Pod People (Rifftrax eventually lampooned Galaxy Invader). For the meme literate: “Yo dawg, I heard you like b-movies, so I put a b-movie in your b-movie, so you can watch a b-movie while you watch a b-movie.”

The film features dueling storylines (but no banjos) centered around the Invader. The first is a touching tale of a young student and his teacher who either lives six hours away or is slow to get out of bed. When the student phones about the crashed alien, the learned teacher tells the boy, from the comfort of his bed, “I will be there about six hours from now.” Six hours? You can watch all three of the Back to the Future films in less time.

Galaxy Invader

The second, and even more touching storyline is about a down-on-his-luck father trying to provide for his family in the face of adversity. Wait. No. It is about the town drunk chasing his daughter with a shotgun for mouthing off. Joe (blood type: PBR) is always wearing the same torn t-shirt throughout the film. When Joe ain’t chasing his family with a shotgun, he schemes with the film’s equivalent to Boss Hogg. Their plan? Conscript drunk hunters, have them capture the alien alive, and sell it. Hey, it worked in King Kong.

Oh, right.

Unlike E.T., ALF, or MAC, our Invader is acronym free and packing heat. After seeing the Invader’s weapons in action against drunk hunters, Joe comes up with a new plan–sell the weapons to the Russians. Ah, films in the ‘80s–when in doubt, reference the Russians.

Galaxy Invader is a much watch. It is brilliantly hilarious. If the hilarity is intended or not, I can’t say. But, the film just keeps throwing curve balls. Joe’s dime store Jimmy Stewart persona is a joy to watch, so are his parenting skills. Joe’s youngest daughter hating everything is a great running gag, and then there is the awkward fight scene between Joe and his son. They don’t so much as fight, as they aggressively lean into each other. The ending also features the best pre-Baywatch use of slow motion. And let’s not forget the Invader itself–the costume may look kinda silly, but I’ll take someone in a costume and mask over a CGI alien any day. Tiger says, give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Bumpy aliens
  • Crazy hair
  • Torn shirts
  • Plaid shirts
  • Alien stun guns
  • Floozies
  • Short shorts
  • Awkward family fighting
  • Falling dummies
  • Rednecks
  • Shotgun parenting
  • Hillbillies
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Mr. Invader and some of the rednecks get kinda gun crazy.

0

blood

BREASTS

All of the ladies keep their tops on.

10

beast

BEASTS

Mr. Invader has plenty of screen time and is pretty neato looking.

6.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “The Galaxy Invader”

trailers

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Apr

posted by Barry Goodall | April 11, 2012 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Fantasy, Guest Review, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Steel Dawn: A Guest Review by General Relativity

General Relativity is a visitor from the 31st Century.  As a Level III Chrononaut, the General is a mid-level civil servant in the Time Enforcement Commission, which basically means he has to fill out a million forms every time one of you tries to go back to hunt a dinosaur or give AK-47s to the Confederates or whatever.   And no, he can not explain to you why John Connor looks completely different in every single Terminator movie, so don’t ask.

Aristotle.  Plato.  Confucius.  Descartes.  Swayze.  These philosophers laid the foundation for all modern thought.  At least that is what we learned in the Preston-Logan Spacetime Academy.  From Red Dawn to Road House to the indomitable Point Break (which in 3020 was named the greatest movie ever made by the Lundgren Council for the Arts), Swayze’s streak of profundity was unmatched by any 80s star.  In these mystical masterworks, Patrick Swayze was committed to the principles of an undefined and vague Tao of manly badassedness.  Unlike the others on the list of Great Minds, Swayze could nail a bodacious roundhouse kick.

Steel Dawn” is unfortunately not a sequel to Swayze’s 1984 classic “Red Dawn.”  Rather, Steel Dawn is one of those post-apocalyptic westerns released in the wake of the success of “Road Warrior.”  It has most of the touchstones for that genre: mutants, primitive weaponry, lots and lots of desert, and hairstyles out of an 80’s hair metal music video.  The hair in this movie is a special effect.

We begin with the nameless Nomad (Swayze) performing a headstand at the top of a dune in the middle of a desert.  He is communing, because that’s what Swayze does.  Cthulhu-faced mutants emerge from the sand wielding car maintenance equipment and attack him.  Swayze kills them all using a fighting style I can only describe as “Dirty Dance Fighting.”  The principal technique associated with this obscure martial art is to execute a number of unnecessary somersaults and pirouettes before you spin your aluminum foil sword a few times.

From this promising beginning, I hoped that mutants would be the main villain of the film, just as they are in real life.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is pitifully lacking in mutants.  The real bad guys are humans rejected from a Mötley Crüe casting call and banished to a Pat Benatar music video.  After the members of Faster Pussycat kill Swayze’s master, Swayze wanders the desert looking generally irritated.  Or maybe he’s just tortured.  Or constipated.  Or tortured by constipation.


Not that he lacks a reason to be irritated, especially after he meets a woman named Ke$ha ( played in amazing crimped hair by Swayze’s real life wife Lisa Niemi).  Swayze befriends her son who is played by Jake Lloyd from “The Phantom Menace” and who gains an alarming amount of weight as the movie goes on.  Water is premium in the desert, and Ke$ha wants to build an aquaduct.  This is basically “Chinatown” but with characters named “Tark” and swords made of silver plastic.  The bad guys are after the water.  But Swayze, using somersaults and head-kicking, will teach them, and us, important lessons about man’s search for faith….

No Swayze film would be complete without his signature esoteric analects.  In this regard, “Steel Dawn” is an undiscovered treasure.  Now, presented without context, the lessons from “Steel Dawn”:

“Promise never to misuse this knowledge.  Before you fight you must first learn to meditate.”
“What’s the matter, never seen a grown man naked?”
“You shouldnt play with sharp objects.”
“A man needs his exercise.”
“I attract violence!”  (That is not the only thing you attract, dude.)
“You talk too much.”

roadside attractions

  • Patrick Freakin’ Swayze
  • Cthulhu Sapiens Mutants
  • Somersaults
  • Pirouettes
  • Tinfoil Swords
  • Sand
  • More Sand
  • Obscene Aquanet Abuse
  • Proto-Jake Lloyd
  • Wind-Powered Go-Carts
  • Fighting with Staves
  • Water Politics
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Although Swayze wields a menacing tinfoil sword, he mostly prefers to kick people in the face.

4

blood

BREASTS

There is a little tease of Swayze pecs while he’s bathing, but I was underwhelmed. Swayze and Brion James (of Blade Runner) stumble into some groupies while they are raiding the hair metal bad guys’ hideout, which is an abandoned Guns ‘n Roses concert stage, but no one seals the deal.

2

beast

BEASTS

Needz moar mutants!

3.0 OVERALL
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Mar

Comments Off on Near Dark: A Guest Review by Corey A. Jones

My name is Cory A. Jones, and I’m writing this guest review for “Near Dark”. I’m a writer for metal-temple.com where I review Heavy Metal albums. I’m also a filmmaker of almost a decade. You can check out my comedy web-series “Carl’s House” on youtube, and you can send me a line at acidunlimited@gmail.com if want to leave any feedback.

Y’know what cheeses me off? As if the “Twilight” saga hadn’t sissified the vampire genre enough; the new DVD cover of “Near Dark” makes it look like some cheap knockoff of America’s favorite Vampire chick-flick. What better way to completely sell short one of the last decent Vampire flicks from the ‘80’s.

Near Dark has 2 things in common with Twilight; There’s Vampires, and there’s a love story. That’s it. Beyond that, there’s no comparison. Twilight has stupid pansy vampires, and stupid pansy werewolves who can go out in daylight and play stupid pansy vampire softball. Or Whatever. But let me ask you this question: If Twilight is so great; does it have Bill Paxton running around slashing throats with his boot-spurs? No? Well then it deserves less of my attention than a pimple on a giraffe’s scrotum.

So this story revolves around Caleb (Adrian Pasdar), a wannabe cowboy who tries to get some nookie from Mae (Jenny Wright) and ends up being turned into a vampire. He tries to run home after his car breaks down and ends up being kidnapped by Mae’s vampire kin. The group wants to kill Caleb, but decides to try and make him “One of us” after they realize that he’s turned undead.

Eventually Caleb helps them escape a run-in with the law and becomes their new member, and they set about wreaking havoc until they end up kidnapping Caleb’s little sister which forces him to choose his real family or his vampire crew. Notable performances include 3 (!) members of the ALIENS cast; Lance Henrikson as Jessie the vampire leader, Jeannette Goldstein as Jessie’s busty vampire girlfriend, and Bill Paxton as Severen the vampire family’s resident nutcase.

There are all kind of things that make this movie watchable, but not many that make it memorable (aside from anything Bill Paxton does in the movie). The movie is Directed by Kathryn Bigelow who would end up marrying James Cameron and making movies like the stylish Y2K conspiracy movie “Strange Days” and most recently  “The Hurt Locker” which got her one of those snazzy Oscar awards. The James Cameron connection is obvious in this movie because of the cast, and because of familiar lighting style of Cinematographer Adam Greenberg who was also the DP on the “Terminator” movies.

It was a pretty enjoyable vampire flick that should be seen by anybody needing an introduction to what REAL vampire movies are all about. Just be sure to show that person Leif Jonker’s DARKNESS (1993) first because that is a much better example. The Vampire meltdown is that flick outdoes this one by lightyears.

Roadside attractions

  • 3 cases of Vampire Barbecue
  • Shotgun Fu
  • Boot Spur Fu
  • Jeannette Goldstein Cleavage
  • 1 cigarette smoking, pistol brandishing, Child abducting 12 year old
  • 1 Bar brawl
  • Bill Paxton roadkill
  • two motor vehicle chases with crash n’ burn
  • 7.5 out of 10

    Check out the trailer for “Near Dark”

    trailers

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    Feb

    posted by Barry Goodall | February 26, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

    Comments Off on The Serpent and the Rainbow – Rest Stop Review Edition

    “The Serpent and the Rainbow” finally gets down to the root of this whole darn zombie craze as Bill Pullman gets buried alive in Haiti and does his best impression of a walking dead guy. Think of it as “Dawn of the Dead” with a reggae band. Bill plays Dennis Alan, a Harvard anthropologist who gets sent down to Haiti to try to find a secret voodoo powder that makes your  body go all limp and you appear completely dead to everyone else only to wake up hours later. Like daytime soaps without the weight gain. He just got done wrestlin’ with a jagaur in the congo and a big pharmaceutical company wants him to find the powder  so they can make the ultimate anesthesia… or possibly start the zombie apocalypse, which ever is more profitable.

    Dennis meets local Hatian hottie Dr. Marielle (Cathy Tyons) who introduces him to an island witch doctor that supposedly makes the zombie drug and runs all the government sanctioned cock fights. After making the sign of the two-headed voodoo doll out in the woods with Dr. Marielle. Dennis returns to find out he got sold fake powder that can’t even raise a dead goat. The corrupt police chief wants to keep the secret of the powder for himself and  invites Dennis over so he can nail his testicles to a dinner chair just as warning to stop snooping around (you should see what they do to jay walkers.) Dennis really can’t take a hint and apparently has a very high pain threshold so he keeps on the hunt. Pretty soon he starts having nightmares of the police chief, flaming boats, and snakes shooting out of midget zombie brides, not the sorta stuff you’ll see on the tourism brochures.

    He awakes the next morning with a severed  head next to him in bed when the police bust in and force him on a plane back to the states, but not before he received a secret stash of the zombie powder from the witch doctor, Mozart. Back in Boston, Dennis drops off the dust at the lab to be studied then has some dinner guests over who start chomping on fine glassware and convulsing on the floor warning him that his Haitain girlfriend is going to die. Dennis books himself a ticket right on back to the island to try to find her and Mozart who unfortunately just got his head chopped off. Dennis gets drugged with the zombie powder, buried alive and quickly dug up because nobody wants to see someone throw away a perfectly good white boy. A bit wobbly on his knees, Dennis must do battle with the police chief and his voodoo power, canned souls, and a mighty aggressive dinner chair to save his girlfriend and help lead a Haitian revolution. But hey it’s Bill Pullman, this guy was the president and fought alien squids in a F-14.

    Barry Goodall says to do that voodoo that you do so well and give “The Serpent and the Rainbow” a try…or I’ll steal your soul and keep in a fruit jar right next to the canned peaches.  That’s how I keep my souls fresh.

    Roadside Attractions:

    – Zombified Bill Pullman
    – Glass munching
    – Head slicing
    – Jaguar frolicing
    – Extreme scrotum accupuncture
    – Coffin blood drowin’
    – Aggressive furniture movers
    – Haitian uprising
    – Surprise snake-in-mouth joke/pun
    – Midget zombie brides on flaming boats
    – Possessed Haitian party raves

    trailers

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    Feb

    posted by Barry Goodall | February 13, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

    Comments Off on Waxwork

    waxwork

    Waxed demons are trying to take over the world and steering clear of any open flames in the 80’s classic “Waxwork.” Zach Galian, after blowing up Gremlins in his microwave, plays Mark, a spoiled rich kid with a caffeine addiction. He and his dimwitted high school friends are invited to a waxwork museum run by b-movie veteran, David Warner who can pretty much play creepy in his sleep. They arrive for a midnight preview and a 7ft tall butler and his dwarf life-partner send them on a tour of “eighteen of the most evil people who ever lived”, but sadly no Larry King. On of the friends Tony, loses his lighter in one of the exhibits so he gets zapped into alternate reality where Teenwolf could be a reality hit TV show. Finding himself inside a creepy cabin he meets a Pavarotti look-alike who starts turning into a werewolf and bites him on the arm. Lycanthropes are everywhere. Luckily, a vigilante mob bust into just in time to shoot everyone with silver bullets putting an end to Tony’s nicotine addiction and Pavorotti’s singing career.

    waxworkMeanwhile, Mark’s bitchy girlfriend walks into a vampire exhibit where she’s forced to slowly eat steak tar-tar while some Twilight emmos gawk at her bad dye job. She discovers a one legged guy in their basement who just had his ankle gnawed on like a doggie chew toy. She stakes some vamp fatales and then gets her neck sucked on by the guy from the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercials. No big deal, no one liked her anyways. Team Edward for the win.

    Back in the real world, Mark and his new replacement girlfriend, Sarah leave the show thinking their friends ditched them and decide to head back to Mark’s mansion to look at old pictures of his grandfather in the attic. Probably the worse first date ever until they they discover the waxwork owner is in the photo which would make him about 170 years old (170 is the new 140). They consult with an old wheelchair bound Brit named Sir Wilfred, a friend of Mark’s grandfather, who explains how he and Mark’s grandpa collected trinkets from some of the most evil people in the world and sell them for big bucks on Ebay. Sir Wilfred believes the waxwork owner had sold his soul to the devil in return he’d get immortality but also has to find victims for his waxworks displays to help bring about the end of the world.This means raising the dead, filing the skies with blood, and consuming all things good in the world like pop tarts and Leann Rimes.

    Mark and Sarah try to tell the cops but the detective doesn’t believe them and ends up pharaoh bait in an Egyptian tomb getting body slammed by a mummy. Mark and Sarah return to the waxworks in an attempt to burn it down but Sarah’s ADD kicks in as she’s mesmerized by the French Marquies de Sade exhibit. Sadly not Circus De Soleil…fewer clowns more whipping.

    waxworkShe gets sucked in while Mark gets pushed into the Night of the Living Dead to fight off hordes of flesh hungry zombies. After getting a hand, Mark escapes and rescues Sarah whose been getting her jollies from 50 lashings by the hand of a ren-fest pirate. Mark convinces her that she’s been brainwashed by the waxwork and if she believes that it’s not real then she can’t be harmed. Seems like she’s disappointed by that fact.

    They step through a dimensional portal just in time to see the rest of the waxworks come to life and do battle with Sir Wilfred’s armored wheelchair brigade and his small army of senior citizens. High on Metamucil, they battle with swords and pitchforks against the legion of demonic wax figures trying to keep any of them from escaping and polluting the rest of the world.

    Barry Goodall says go check out “waxwork” and bring some candles but leave your butler dwarf at home if you don’t have the room. Unless you have a motorcycle sidecar…those work perfect for dwarf butlers.

    roadside attractions

    • Severed hand
    • Bat shooting
    • French whippin’
    • Cheek gougin’
    • Ankle chewin’
    • Head smash with twist and pull
    • Neck chompin’
    • Extra raw steak tar tar
    • Werewolf, vampires, zombies, and mummies
    • Torso rippin’
    • Wheelchair drive-by
    • 50 gallons of hot wax
    totals

    8

    blood

    BLOOD

    Bodies get ripped in two and a guy gets his leg chewed down to the bone, bloody stabbings, and rare steak tar tar.

    0

    blood

    BREASTS

    You’d think a french S&M exhibit would get more melons but you’d be wrong. Not even waxed fruit. I thought the French preferred not to wear clothes. Maybe that was bathing.

    10

    beast

    BEASTS

    *deep breath* mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, severed hands and butler dwarfs. the Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack the Ripper, the Invisible Man, a voodoo priest, a witch, a snakeman, pods from Invansion of the Body Snatchers, a mutant baby, an axe murderer, a multi-eyed alien, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. New Highway record for most beasts in one film!

    8.9 OVERALL
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    Check out the trailer for “Waxwork”

    trailers

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