Archive for the '80’s movies' Category

Sep

posted by Barry Goodall | September 24, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Killer Cuts by Giallo Goon, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on Killer Cuts: Episode 1 – The Prowler

The Giallo Goon from a somewhat similarly titled website called “The Giallo Goon” stopped by at our Lost Highway offices this weekend. After stuffing his pockets from our mint tray he finally handed us a package, a plain paper wrapped VHS tape that smelled strangely of whiskey and Cheetos. Turns out it wasn’t the naked midget wrestling tape we ordered 2 weeks ago but his hilarious review of “The Prowler.” A classic slasher from the 80’s that helped make pitchfork shower killin’ the extreme sport it is today. You can view the episode in it’s entirety below and we look forward to his future video reviews…and midget wrestling.

Sep

Comments Off on Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama

Call me a nay sayer, say I was a doubter. I gotta admit that I didn’t think it was possible to top some of our country’s best combos. Mustard and vienna sausages , chicken and waffles, Starsky and Hutch, but  Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama maybe the perfect combo of gawkin’ at half naked woman and drunk bowling on a Friday night.

It all starts when 3 horny geeks want a sneak  peak at a sorority initiation lead by Robin Rochelle. She’s a 38 year old co-ed still trying to pass her freshman year but she has a hankering for paddlin’ some hinnies and covering pledges in whip cream. You just don’t see that sorta behavior  with soccer moms anymore. She catches the peeping toms who were all just watching them shower sans-luffas for what seems like a good hour. The I-felta-thi sorority has a very active bowling league so she sends the nerds and the pledges out to steal a bowling trophy and prove their worth. After breaking into the bowling alley they run into Linnea Quigly whose nearly unrecognizable fully clothed. She plays “Spider” a convict trying to rob the joint with a crow bar and a few well placed f-bombs. The gang grabs a trophy but accidentally lets out a demonic imp with the voice of Don Cornelius who’s been trapped inside for the last 30 years. The jive talking monster midget grants them each a wish and a chance to win a guest spot on Soul Train. Their wishes involve being queen of the prom, bars of gold and Michelle Bauer getting nekkid… but hey, who hasn’t had that same wish?

It all suddenly goes bad though when the imp turns some of the girls into demonic minions with bad skin and a hankerin’ for evil. They cram a fat guy’s head into a ball polishing machine and deep fries another guy’s face in the fry cooker taking time out to  pick up a few spares with a severed head. Spider and her new nerd boyfriend must fight their way out  with the help of a partially deaf janitor and put a stop to the evil muppet’s plans of world domination by stuffing him in a coffee can. If they can’t, it could be a fate far worse than death…a movie sequel. Sorority Babes is a fun 80’s throwback to when the jocks were dumb and the bimbos were big breasted. Barry Goodall says check it out and don’t forget to bring your bowling shoes and some 10 pound balls.

If you got 10 pound balls, how did you walk to the videostore so fast? That joke never gets old.

Roadside Attractions:

– Gratuitous spank-athon
– Whip cream-tastic
– Extensive use of a crowbar
– Magic demon trophy
– Head polishing
– Face frying
– Girl pulled in half like a pulled pork sandwich
– Flaming bimbos
– Severed head roll and bowl
– Evil imp impalement
– Car crash with roll

it’s the booooooooowwwwlll-train.

trailers

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Aug

Comments Off on Bloodtide

Bloodtide, AKA Demon Island, AKA James Earl Jones Needed a New Water Heater, is pretty much The Creature From the Black Lagoon Greek Holiday. An American tourist, played by Martin “Sweep the Leg” Kove of Karate Kid fame, goes looking for his lost sister in the Greek isles. What’s the worst that could happen?

The film actually starts all the way back in ancient Greece, when Larry King was just learning to shave, and the folks on the island are in the middle of a virgin sacrifice. And no, they ain’t tossing her to Gene Simmons, but rather some kinda critter in the water.

Fast-forward to the always-whacky 1980s, and Kove, with bikini-clad wife in tow, is island hoping around Greece looking for his estranged sister, who musta not gone to my high school, because she is a virgin. Kove finds a Greek island where throwing cats is a type of greeting and Cousin Balki is nowhere to be found. Jose Ferrer (the Emperor in Dune) runs the show, and he subjects Kove and his wife to the island’s clumsiest waiter, in hopes of scaring them off.

But Kove will not be turned away by any waiter, no matter how clumsy (as long as he ain’t trained by Mr. Miyagi, I s’pose). Kove finds his sister, who splits her days between hanging with island’s nuns and a very drunk James Earl Jones—and at this point in the film, one wishes they were as drunk as JEJ. It would only improve things. But JEJ, being a talented actor, is not content to just sit around and drink, nah, he quotes Shakespeare. A lot. Character depth: he has it.

Why is JEJ on the island? It ain’t the cat throwing or Jose Ferrer’s mustache keeping him there. Treasure. He has found a sealed door in an underwater cave. Because, nothing bad could be behind a bricked up door in a secret, underwater cave on a secluded island.

After JEJ’s Shakespeare filled demolition, an eerie mist flows out of the cave. No big deal, right? Wrong. Something nasty was hidden in that cave, and it wasn’t the Little Mermaid. What hath Darth Vader wrought?

Speaking of mermaids, we’re treated to a “beach day” scene with blondes in bikinis. Thank you for the distraction, Movie. The high point of this scene involves melons, no, not the kind in the ladies’ bikini tops—watermelons. JEJ demonstrates the correct way to prepare said melon: “You don’t cut watermelon with a knife!” he says, before punching the doomed melon open like it was an Ewok’s head.

While all this melon punching is going on, Kove’s sister begins to lose it. She has been working on restoring an old church painting of a guy fighting a monster, and keeps finding older versions under each layer. The first new layer is a guy fighting some kind of fish monster, but the next layer, shows an anatomically correct fish man attacking a woman—and let’s just say he is “standing tall” in the painting.

Forty-two minutes into the movie, give or take, we get our first kill and it is very Jaws-like. We also see our monster—which looks like a sea horse man. And it ain’t the last kill either. The bodies start piling up all over the island, and only the sacrifice of a virgin can quell the beast’s hunger. Kove won’t stand for such a thing, and neither will JEJ. But, the most terrifying part of the film is yet to come: Kove and his sister—his SISTER—share a rather passionate, touchy-feely kiss. This marks yet another JEJ film where the relationship ‘tween a brother and sister is a bit, to use the Facebook jargon, “Complicated.”

The first 40+ minutes of the film are rough, but JEJ’s over-the-top, drunken Shakespeare scenes are amusing (as is the watermelon punching scene). The monster is pretty creepy, even though you don’t see it too much, and the use of a real Greek island makes for a great location.

But the real gem here is the beach aerobic scene with one of the leading ladies. A drinking game could improve this film: take a drink whenever JEJ quotes Shakespeare, and forsooth, you’ll be in the same mindset as his character forthwith.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Cat Throwing
  • Clumsy Waiters
  • Shakespeare Quoting
  • Jaws Shots
  • Blondes in Bikinis
  • Beach Aerobics
  • Virgin Sacrifices
  • Watermelon Punching
  • Floating Feet
  • Rope Used as a Belt
  • Naughty Monster Paintings
  • Awkward Brother-Sister Kissing
  • Water Monsters
  • Blood in the Water
totals

3

blood  

BLOOD

It takes awhile for the blood to show up, but when it does, there is plenty of it.

2 blood  

BREASTS

Sadly, bikini tops cover the only breasts in the film.

 

3

beast  

BEASTS

Bloodtide’s beastie takes its time showing up, but it is one of the more unique movie monsters, even though it looks like a giant sea horse with an overactive libido.

3.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Bloodtide”

 

 

trailers

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Aug

posted by Barry Goodall | August 7, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on City of the Living Dead

Tagline: The Dead Shall Rise and Walk the Earth

Year: 1980 Runtime: 93 min

Director: Lucio Fulci

Writer: Lucio Fulci (story & screenplay) Dardano Sacchetti (story & screenplay)

Starring: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl and Carlo De Mejo

This is one of those movies that makes you scratch your head and grunt, “HUH?!?”

First and foremost, as the name suggests, this is a zombie film. Fulci, like Romero, knows his way around the genre. At least one would think. Both men have done their fair share of films in the genre, not to mention they were friends. Besides, it’s not a very complex style of film.

Zombie Types

There are different forms of zombies. Voodoo, nuclear waste, government bacterial/viral research gone awry and sacrilegious to name a few of the most popular.

This film falls into the last category. The zombies are released when a priest hangs himself in a cemetery. What’s more, for some reason, a troop of monkeys is also released. We never learn wither they’re from—the local zoo or hell. Regardless, if you listen you can clearly hear their calls. Oooooooo, spooky. Nothing sets the mood like night, fog and the wild calls of monkeys.

Zombie Characteristics

Most zombies have fairly straight forward attributes. They moan, they move slowly (or fast in more resent films), they are decaying, they eat brains, they infect others by biting them and they are killed by destroying their brain/removing their head.

Fulci’s zombies follow the established convention in but one aspect, they move slowly. Otherwise, they sound like Aslan after a swift kick in the love spuds, they can teleport, they look like they’ve got monkey-poo smeared on their face (maybe that’s why the monkeys were cut loose), they only scalp their victims (pulling off the backs of their heads), their bite does not infect others and they can be killed by stabbing them in the stomach with a pointy stick. Alternatively, they can be killed in mass when Suicide Priest is stabbed in the crotch with a wood picket.

Zombie Infection

How does one becomes a zombie, you ask? Normally, as noted above, by being bitten. Yet Fulci changes the game significantly. There are two ways one can become a zombie.

First, Suicide Priest can cram a handful of wormy monkey feces in your face. Secondly, Suicide Priest can use his “evil eye” on you. This is particularly interesting because it causes one to cry blood and vomit up one’s intestines. And, as a nice final touch, if you happen to be a white women, it also performs a negro-plasty, turning her hands into those of a black man. I can’t help but pick up on a slightly racist undertone here. I mean, black hands do the dirty work? The phrase “cotton-pickin’ hands” comes to mind.

Whereas Fulci took some interesting liberties with the genre, the characters are a mostly boring lot, with the exception of the Rent-a-Center Bob Ross, psychologist. This guy isn’t fazed by anything. I’m sure psychologist face some pretty horrible stuff in their day-to-day affairs, but this guy is cold as ice. Here’s but a few of the things he’s a witness to but just blows off:

  • random dead bodies appearing/disappearing
    • monkey-poo faced zombies
    • walls bleeding
    • teleporting Suicide Priest
    • Suicide Priest’s hex vision causing bleeding eye syndrome
    • millions of meal worms blown into room, particularly into his face, porno money-shot style

The ending is most perplexing. Bob Ross and Mary, the one woman with the hero’s death exemption, make it out of the tomb of Suicide Priest and find little John-John, the child with the hero’s death exemption, waiting with the police. Overjoyed that someone has survived John-John squeals and makes a bee-line for them. His run goes slo-mo and Mary starts screaming blood murder. Yet, there’s no zombies or Suicide Priest lurking about. The only thing I can figure is she’s freaked because she realized she’s John-John’s only living friend and might have to adopt the brat.

roadside attractions

  • Opening a coffin with a pick-ax to save the person inside from being buried alive
  • Self-inflating blow-up sex doll.
  • Rent-a-Center Archie Bunker patron at local bar.
  • Painting of a “happy little” rhinoceratopus.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

10 Buckets. Coming out of eyes, throwing up intestines, scalped victims.

0

blood

BREASTS

This is the biggest HUH?!? of them all. You should stop on a pair of breasts with every other pan of the camera. Lucio, what were you thinkin’?!?

10

beast

BEASTS

Loads of Monkey-poo faced zombies.

9.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “City of the Living Dead”

trailers

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Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 17, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Warriors of the Lost World: Rest Stop Review Edition

Tagline: “The Rider” must destroy the evil Omega Force.
Year: 1983 Runtime: 92 min
Director: David Worrth
Writer: David Worth

Starring: Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty, Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta and Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Italian. Post apocalypse. Motorcycle with more plastic additions than Joan Rivers’ face.

Normally I wouldn’t need to say anything else ‘cos surely you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’ve seen Mad Max, you’ve seen all the post apocalypse movies. This movie is interesting because somehow, despite it’s Ultra-Low budget of $13.68, David Worth got some “name” actors.

Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty

I know that Italians liked a tough, slow-talkin’ hero, but Ginty is slow like that “special” cousin you were forced to include in whatever games you’re playing when his family came over for the holidays. At best he’s a Rent-a-Center Barry Bostwick, though, truth be told, I’m just being nice. His delivery is the auditory equivalent of maple syrup passing through a coffee filter. I had to tweeze my lengthier nostril hairs to keep awake whenever he said anything.

Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta

She’s the exotic love interest, which I suppose works. She’s no Bea Arthur, but I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating samosas. She is out of place though. See, her father, whom she’s on a mission to save, is as white as a mayonnaise sandwich. Plus, she comes from a group of toga wearing Greek wanna-bes.

Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Original Doctor Evil. Seriously. The only difference in Pleasence’s character and Mike Myers’ is Pleasence doesn’t have the monocle scar. Also, he wears a glove on his left hand to accent his “Bob Dole” arm.

Finally, I would be remiss if I left out Speedcycle

This is the high-tech ride that The Rider rides. It’s graphical user interface is a 3” TRS-80 screen that displays everything it says. I suppose it was necessary to do so, for the viewers to understand what it was squeeking, because the voice unit sounded like Orko on helium.

Roadside Attractions:

  • Within the first 10 minutes of the film, The Rider, the super bad-ass, is shot three times, once in the head.
  • To add insult to The Rider’s injuries, promptly after escaping the headshot, Speedcycle, in auto-pilot, drives head on into a cliff.
  • Healing flashlights. They can remove even the toughest of Louisiana Hot Sauce Blood applications.
  • Gratuitous cars driving off cliffs and exploding.
  • WORST. SHOTS. EVER. Watch the trailer clip below to see exactly how people can miss even while driving point blank close to one another.
  • Cave C.H.U.D.
  • Cave C.H.U.D. are the bouncers for Club Utopia, a spandex and stud club.
  • Mega Weapon: a huge dump truck, painted black, with a useless anti-personnel flame thrower set about 12’ up.
  • Warriors style gangs: Kung Fu Dudes, Nazis, Femmes, Hill-Billies and 80’s Punks.

trailers

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