Comments Off on Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death
Deadtime Stories isn’t just a bad horror anthology it’s also a subliminal government warning to parents to be careful who watches your kids, especially creepy uncles. Mike (Michael Mesmer) is watching over his nephew Brian whose been having trouble sleeping lately. Could be the 2 liter of Mt. Dew he downed or that his rooms makes growling noises when the lights go out. A bedtime story should naturally ease his fears of having his face devoured but instead of tales of cute bunnies and dancing hippos learning valuable life lessons, Uncle Mike’s stories will likely turn Brian into a sex crazed psychopath. Hey, at least he’ll be a well rested sex crazed psychopath.
The first tale of terror stars Scott Valentine of Family Ties fame, still looking very 80’s but happily living the Medievil lifestyle. Scott plays Peter, an indentured servant to a couple of witches with a bad case of the uglies. They send Peter out to fetch them a local schmuck that they can woo with their feminine charms and sexy facial moles. The witches disguise themselves as harem girls with a beer goggle spell then proceed to pour some weird ointment on his arm that eats through his wrist like some expired Preperation H. Then they use his severed hand as a voodoo GPS to find and dig up their sister’s remains for a late night family reunion. After a fun night of grave robbing, Peter is instructed to lure a virgin to back to their cave so he can show her his medieval beer mugs and make her a virgin sacrifice to raise the dead sister. Realizing it could also be his last chance to ever have sex, Peter knives one of the witches in the head whose blood results in a reanimated Alice Cooper with jerry curls that tries to strangle everyone. So yeah…it really is a lot like a family reunion.
The next tale of terror from uncle Mike is a Larry Flint version of little red riding hood. Rachel is a day dreaming jogger who has sexual fantasies about her puffy faced boyfriend. On a trip to the drugstore before her big date night she runs into Willi (Matt Mitler.) Willi is an incognito werewolf in dire need of some industrial strength tranquilizers and nair hair remover. His prescriptions get mixed up with Rachel’s Grandma so he has to go track her down before the full moon rises that night. Willi starts sprouting Ewok fur and makes the grandma into puppy chow. Meanwhile Rachel and her boyfriend are shagging out in the tool shed on a blowup mattress to 80’s soft rock. After an akward montage, Rachel heads back up to Grandma’s house while the werewolf uses her boyfriend’s intestines for dental floss. They fight to the death on the living room rug never once jumping on the furniture and grandma is rushed to the hospital for some rabie shots. You just won’t see that on Jerry Springer.
Back to reality again, Uncle Tim is nearly at his breaking point with his insomniac nephew. How will he ever finish watching miss nude Universe with all these interruptions? His final story for Brian revolves around a girl named Goldie Lox. She has the power of telekinesis along with some mad skills in human taxidermy while living in a house belonging to a family of loonies known as the Bear gang. Golide’s been propping up dead ex-boyfriends in funny poses and using up all their hot water for extended shower scenes. The family return after breaking their kids out of the psycho-ward and are charmed by Goldie’s dimwittedness and passion for playing with dead things. The cops are eventually tipped off but arrive a bit late for a Waco re-enactment. Sadly, the family is just pigging out at a diner when the cops start blowing bullet holes into the side of the house for an extreme home makeover. The Bears skip paying their bill and commit a parking lot hit-and-run just before pealing off into the sunset never to be seen from again. Not sure what the lesson was on this one other than the perils of jay walking and high water bills. I think Uncle Mike was a bit drunk by then anyhow.
If little Brian isn’t sleeping now maybe some mild tranquilizer and warm milk might do the trick. Of course, if that doesn’t work maybe he should just let the monster in his room eat his spleen. Barry Goodall says pop Deadtime Stories into the VCR only if you’re feeling a bit too chipper and think there might be a bit of goodness left in humanity. It’s the equivalent of cinematic prozac.
Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death…so nice they named it twice.
Check out the trailer for “Deadtime Stories”