Archive for the '80’s movies' Category

Mar

posted by Tiger Sixon | March 28, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Zone Troopers

Zone Trooper

Zone Troopers hits close to home for me. I can certainly relate to one of the major plot points—coming across a crashed alien spaceship. Although in my version of the story, I [CLASSIFIED] and [CLASSIFIED] with [CLASSIFIED] in Tijuana.

Part of me thinks this is the film that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wanted to be—or at least, should have been: a squad of Allied troops come across an alien ship while fighting Nazis in Italy during World War II (as opposed to the War of 1812). This film was definitely more enjoyable than Indy 4, but then so was pulling radio transmitters out of my molars.

Zone TrooperIf the Allies and the Nazis didn’t clue you into the fact this film takes place in the 1940s, than the use of the song In the Mood certainly will. It is to the 1940s what Material Girl or Take On Me is to the 1980s.

A squad of lovable Allies soldiers (Sarge, Joey, Mittens, and Dolan) find themselves behind Nazi lines (where it is “raining,” despite the sunny fields in the background). Proof this film was destined for greatness: the nigh-invulnerable Sarge was played by Tim Thomerson, known for his role as Jack Deth in the Trancers series, and Joey was played by Tim Van Patten, star of the Master Ninja episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also played the wicked teen Peter Stegman in 1982’s Class of 1984.

Zone TrooperAfter a big shoot out with the Nazis, the army boys are lost, and their compasses are acting goofier than Aunt Helga at a biergarten. What’s the cause? Nazi magic? Hardly. Aliens! While working their way through the Italian forest, we’re treated to the point of view of said alien—watching the team from the trees, with red-tinted vision and garbled sounds. This same gag was used three years later in Predator, proof that Zone Troopers was ahead of its time.

The gang takes refuge in a barn for the night—and Joey breaks a B-Movie Survival Tip: he goes for a walk on his own, at night. Many a cheerleader or recently deflowered geeky teenager have met their end this way. Joey comes across the remains of a giant, leathery egg—and a real live alien.

The alien is garbed in a leisure suit and its face looks like a fly and a wombat had a kid. How that would actually work, I don’t know. But then, anything is possible with a case of the Beast and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game on repeat. Joey runs back into the barn, and thinking he is suffering from shell shock, promptly burns his science fiction comic book. For shame!

The next day, Mittens and Dolan come across a Nazi camp, and a tent filled with photos of a crashed alien ship, which is better than photos of a crashed Eleanor Roosevelt, I guess. Meanwhile, Sarge and Joey find the spaceship in question. Joey is all about the usual “boldly going” jive, but the Sarge has his own idea—blow it up.

Just like my grandma’s prom, Nazis spoil the party. Mittens and Dolan are captured, while the Sarge and Joey escape—but not before blowing the Nazis in the spaceship sky high.

Zone TrooperMittens and Dolan are interrogated by the SS, and even get a visit from Mr. Hitler himself. Dazed and confused, Mittens pops Hitler in the nose, and hilarity ensues—and by hilarity, I mean Mittens and Dolan are locked up in the dog kennels—along with the alien.

Joey, in disguise, comes to the rescue, but not before a beefy Nazi officer disapproves of his five o’clock shadow and muddy shoes. After a daring escape, the team, with the alien in tow, seeks cover in, of all things, an abandoned crypt. Because nothing bad would happen in a crypt, right?

In the crypt, the soldiers pal it up with the alien—who has a taste for cigarettes. And I don’t mean smoking—I mean eating. Thankful for the smokes, the alien shares a gadget that generates a hard-light hologram of a babe—which, just like my last marriage, lasts all of a minute. The final showdown is chuck full of more aliens, ray guns, vaporized Nazis, and disappearing tanks. It makes for amusing visuals, just like eating last December’s meatloaf.

Ol’ Tiger says while it may rank low on the Lost Highway Totals, give this one a watch—Zone Troopers is full of campy fun. Anything with ray guns has my vote.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Pre-Predator alien vision
  • 1 un-killable Sarge
  • Cigarette eating
  • Hitler punching
  • Exploding spaceships
  • Beefy Nazi officers
  • Loud Nazis
  • 1 bug-eyed alien
  • Solider allegories
  • 1 holo-babe
  • Ray guns
  • Vaporized Nazis
  • Disappearing tanks
  • Comic book burning
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

While there is a bunch of killing in this flick, we don’t see much blood—especially when Nazis start getting vaporized with ray guns.

2

blood

BREASTS

the holo-babe is cute, but sadly her breasts are covered the whole time. You can pretend the alien’s bug-eyes are a nice pair of C-cups, but if you do I will not accept your Facebook friend request.

7

beast

BEASTS

yes there is an alien, but it is a friendly. Still, our bug-eyed friend still dishes out plenty of havoc via its collection of ray guns and other gadgets. But, you have an army of Nazis to pick up the beastly slack.

5.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Zone Troopers”

trailers

dripper
Feb

posted by retroman | February 11, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night 2

It’s 1957 and Mar Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage) is your resident bad girl who has a hankering for high school guys with receding hairlines. Just in luck, she’s dating Bill, apparently the only senior held back 20 times over. Fortunately she also loves him for his money, but on the side she’s been two timing with a greaser named Buddy. Mostly for the kicks and the free alcohol. This is the type of girl they warn you about on Laverne and Shirley. Her boyfriend finds out she’s been bumpin’ fenders with him back stage at the prom and accidentally sets her on fire with a stink bomb. Her dress goes up like it was crepe paper doused in kerosene but hey it’s the 1950’s, everything was flammable back then. Everyone pretty much stands around like it’s a marshmallow roast while she dies smoldering on the stage just before spotting the dumbfounded Bill in the rafters. That’s the moment when you know a relationship is over.

prom night 230 years later Bill, now played by Michael Creepy Ironsides, has taken on principle duty at the same high school after a failed career as a fire fighter, and Buddy the greaser has become a priest. Bill has been trying to fight the impulse to hit his teenage son Craig, with the heel of his shoe and Craig’s been dating homely girl Vicky (Wendy Lyon.) Vicky really puts the “V” back in Virgin. Her momma is so puritanical I expected her to start churning homemade butter any moment. She wants to go to the prom but her mom thinks her green mu-mu dress is perfectly fine and won’t buy her a new one on the slight chance she might expose some ankles and end up pregnant (pink silk is from the devil). Vicky, out of desperation, searches the attic of the high school and stumbles upon an old steamer chest full of prom night memorabilia including a prom crown and royal cap that  still has the fresh scent of Hell. It also possesses the peeved-off spirit of Mary Lou which is then released into the wild to possess Vicky. Possession usually involves head spinning and projectile vomiting but in this case it just gives Vicky Tourette’s syndrome and makes her dress like Donna Reed. Vicky’s friends start dying off one by one and she hallucinates she’s caught up in volleyball nets or served rotting food in the high school cafeteria. “Oh no, it’s not a dream Vicky this really is highschool!!!”

Her demonic rocking horse gets a little tongue frisky and she gets sucked into a chalkboard whirlpool of alphabet soup emerging with a full blown case of Mary-lou-itis. Then it’s all “girls gone wild” as she attacks her friends in the locker room in full-blown nakedness crushing them like a used juice box. Back at home, she throws her momma through the front door like it’s a pygmy dwarf toss. Pastor Buddy realized this was going to happen way too early on and of course is killed off swiftly in a confessional smack down along with a crucifix tracheotomy. Vicky still makes it back in time to help put up prom decorations and get frisky with her boyfriend backstage. Say what you want about Mary Lou, she’s great at time management and Vicky certainly has never been more popular.Prom Night 2

That night, the prom is in full 80’s swing, hair is gelled high, collars are popped and Vicky Lou is hoping to finally get her crown while hopefully staying clear of any open flames. Bill, realizing his son is now dating his ex-dead demon girlfriend brings a gun to the dance for some demon target practice. Oddly enough, the thought of going
out to buy or rent books on exorcisms, instead of packing heat and going to a school filled with teenagers, does not occur to him Faster than you can say “Carrie Blood Bath dance off”, The evil Vicky Lou gets shot in the chest while her boyfriend tries to work up some tears. Fortunately you can’t keep a bad girl down, so she sheds her skin revealing a well baked Mary Lou who starts offing the students with her super psychic powers. Yup seen that before. Catholics, possessions and proms, you always end up with a high body count. Mary Lou is one hot lady so it’s best to watch with oven mitts. Barry Goodall says give Prom Night 2 a chance. If you don’t like it, you can always leave the dance and go home with someone else.

roadside attractions

  • Prom-a-que
  • Death by confeitti
  • Neon impalement
  • Demon rocking horse with glandular problems
  • Static cling bed sheets
  • Chalkboard jacuzzi
  • Locker crushing
  • Exploding tombstones
  • Mac attack
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Locker crushing, a couple stabbings, but they didn’t use the giant paper cutter!? How can you not use the giant paper cutter!!?

9

blood

BREASTS

So many..I feel sorta dizzy…must sit down.

8

beast

BEASTS

Mary Lou what a fine trailer wife you could be.

8.9 OVERALL
dripper

Hello Mary Lou..good bye heart…on a stick.

Check out the trailer for “Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by Drive-in_Dan | January 31, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan


Before hocking up demon lugees and jacking bodies (shakes head) in “Jason Goes to Hell”, Jason went on a carnage cruise, and stopped by the Big Apple to paint the city blood red in “Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.”

Jason is snoozing at the bottom of Crystal Lake, when whatta know he gets jolted awake by an underwater power cable. Now, wait a second… When did Crystal Lake get underwater power lines? And wasn’t Jason already brought back to life once before using electricity? Well, I guess writer/director Rob Hedden figured that it did the job in “Jason Lives”, so why not use electricity to bring Jason back again in his movie. Though the ironic thing is that later on in the movie Jason gets “killed” by electricity. But I’m pretty sure it was a different kind of electricity.

Well, it isn’t long before a fully charged up Jason comes to the surface, hops on a boat, conveniently finds a new hockey mask (because remember he lost his other mask in the New Blood) and quickly kills two horny teens. He then takes their boat for a short joy ride and uses his ninja-like skills to sneak onto a cruise ship that is filled with (surprise) more teens. Once aboard Jason quickly turns the high school senior trip into a death cruise. The soggy slasher is on his way to racking up a personal best in body count department when, oh, snap!, he botches a kill that causes the ship to start sinking like the Titanic. Of course the remaining survivors freak out and jump into the nearest lifeboat. As they are rowing away, ol’ Jason stays with the ship for some reason. He probably thinks he’s the captain. After Rennie and Co. row for what seems like forever (actually, about a minute) they finally reach the land of high crime rates, pollution, and graffiti covered subway cars, otherwise known as NYC. Not long after docking their boat they receive a very warm welcome from a couple of street thugs who waste no time robbing them using the IRS’s method of collecting money. And to make things worse they kidnap Rennie. Typical horror movie bad luck isn’t it? But that’s not their only problem because guess who tagged along? Yup, Jason. This is a Friday the 13th movie, so who else did you expect? Anyway, he didn’t use his much rumored teleporting ability to get there either. More on that a little bit later. While everybody was busy escaping, the J-man jumped ship and hitched a ride underneath of their rowboat. So much for him going down with the ship.

After the shakedown the rest of the group splits up to look for help. Man, that was a HUGE mistake as Jason manages to find and kill everyone in the group with no problem at all until Rennie and Sean are the only ones who are left. The recently reunited lovebirds are sharing a tender moment in a back alley filled with garbage (how romantic) when third wheel Jason shows up and ruins the smooch-fest. Not surprisingly, they high tail it outta there. Meanwhile, Jason follows them at a distance, strolling at his usual leisurely pace enjoying the sights and sounds of the city. And just when I though they had given him the slip he catches up to Rennie and Sean and follows them into an underground sewer where he quickly ends up getting lost. You know, it’s funny how Jason had no trouble tracking everybody down in city he’d never been to before earlier but now he can’t even find his way around a small underground sewer. I guess his SPS (Slasher Positioning System) couldn’t get a good signal down there.

Now before I forget, I have to mention this whole teleporting phenomena. In the movie Jason has two speeds. Slow, and warp speed. One minute he’s there, the next he’s not, especially when he’s getting ready to kill somebody. At first I was wondering if he had somehow learned a new ability since the last movie. But I’ve seen JTM several times now and I personally think it’s how the film’s edited to make it seem like Jason could be anywhere at any given time? Though towards the end of the movie Jason really starts to slow his pace for some reason. And I wasn’t sure what was going on until I saw the goofy makeup design they made him wear and then it hit me, Jason was dragging his feet because he was dreading his face reveal. And who could blame him. Sadly, he ends up looking about as menacing as the Cookie Monster which was a big letdown, especially after makeup effects effects wizard John Carl Beuchler set the bar so high with his awesome take on Jason in The New Blood. Remember the propeller damage, the machete slash and the ax wound? Well, you won’t see any of that attention to detail this time around. Jason’s once exposed bones are now amazingly covered with skin. I’m guessing no one was supposed to notice that he put on some weight in between sequels. Another thing that bothered me is when little Jason is shown in the flashback sequences he looks cartoonish with his Beetlejuice-like teeth, droopy eye, and long hair. Hmmm… That’s odd, I always remember young Jason having an algae covered Charlie Brown type noggin when he jumped out of Crystal Lake in the original Friday the 13th. Quick, someone call the continuity police! From what I’ve read the makeup “supervisors” who were working on JTM didn’t even bother watching any of the previous movies for research to see how Jason looked in the earlier sequels. But, hey at least they got the part about Jason being dead right.

The walking corpse behind the mask is again played by Kane Hooder. Though I liked his version of Jason in The New Blood a lot better. With the New Blood, Jason just had such an intense on screen presence. He was this pissed off, relentless force who killed anyone that got in his way, that is until he faced off against telekinetic, hottie Tina and ended up getting his butt kicked big time. In Jason Takes Manhattan a vacationing Jason is more concerned with sight-seeing and making us laugh, like when he shows his rotten face to a group of street punks who were playing their music too loud. Apparently, they didn’t know Jason’s not a fan of rap music. Now don’t get me wrong I can appreciate humor just as much as the next person but when it comes to horror movies I really prefer straight-forward scares or at least some kind of suspense. If I want a good laugh I’ll pop in a Jeff Dunham DVD.

Jason Takes Manhattan tried some different things like sending Jason on a cruise and having him visit the Big Apple. However, there were ideas that didn’t work very well like when Rennie was having random hallucinations of a young Jason attacking her as a young girl. Problem is it doesn’t fit within the Friday the 13th time line that was established in earlier movies. And besides that the explanation that’s given for why she was having these “visions” of little Jason won’t make any sense, even if you’re stoned out of your mind. I know this sequel is filled with plenty of flaws and missed opportunities, but I still give Rob Hedden a lot of credit for taking some much needed creative risks with his entry because by this time in the series, fans as well as Jason were suffering from a serious case of cabin fever.

roadside attractions

  • A Deck Hand gets the ax, quite literally
  • 1 harpoon to the back
  • A couple of impalings
  • 3 stabbings
  • A guy gets killer heartburn via a hot sauna rock
  • 2 electrocutions
  • 2 drownings by toxic waste
  • 1 Jack ‘O Jason face reveal
  • 1 slit throat
  • Jason gets a jump start via an underwater power line
totals

2

blood
BLOOD

Maybe, a half gallon of the red stuff. The gore in this sequel was pretty tame for a Friday the 13th movie.

4

blood
BREASTS

One boobie in real time and 3 skeeter-bites that you can only see if you click the slow-motion button.

4

beast
BEASTS

This sequel has 4 monsters, Jason, Rennie’s Uncle Charles, and a couple of street thugs

8.1 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by retroman | January 25, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on “Hawk the Slayer” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hawk-the-Slayer

I bet he still can't do a pull-up

Before Conan the Barbarian flexed his pecks, Before Red Sonja heaved her breasts, Before the Beast Master stroked his ferrets, there was Hawk THE SLAYER. Hawk – Defender of truth, do gooder of justice, crusher of evil things, and a hero of hair gel. What we got here is a renaissance festival theater group deciding to put together a movie and dang it all if they didn’t get Jack “I crap better movies than this” Palance to sign on. They must have slipped a roofie in his coffee or had some incriminating evidence against him. By the way, Jack’s coffee is just a cup of coffee beans and some rocks for him to grind in his mouth. He’s that gristled.

Hawk the Slayer played by John Terry leads a rag tag group of live D&D action figures to fight the evil Voltan (Mr. Palance in a darth vadar suit)  who is actually the older crankier brother of Hawk. He’s still biter about Hawk stealing his stalker victim/girlfriend back in ye Medevil Highschool. She also took a torch to his face right before he accidentally cross bowed her on a canoe. Not really the best first date. No woman ever wanted old pizza face after that incident so Voltan has to adopt a son by the name of Volgo to pass on his legacy. Volgon only has aspirations  to assassinate his father and become “Lord of the dance.” but  he gets skewered by Hawk instead.  To top that off Volton’s Dad gives Hawk the Elven Mindstone suber duper glow sword  instead of him right before he died. Sorta like getting the keys to dad’s Corvette, so you can understand how Volton has some rage issues at this point. Hawk goesn traveling the countryside rescuing fair maidens and showing them how he can levitate his sword, and Volton is out burning villages and applying magic ointment cream to his face.

Hoping to seek his revenge, Volton  kidnaps a nun before any nazis can get to her first in hopes that  Hawk will show up before he torches the monastery at midnight. Hawk hears of this treachery and assembles a team of elves, dwarfs and giants to rescue her…and if they have time, maybe a quick LARP tournament afterwards.

Hawk mostly expresses feeling of apathy and blandness while performing David copperfield tricks to amuse himself while his buddies are getting hacked down by Voltons henchman. It would all be pretty depressing if it wasn’t done to 70’s disco music. Hawk must find the courage to fight his evil brother while defending the monastery and their secret pot of gold as Volton’s forces decend upon them for a epic final battle of glowing ping pong balls cheap sword play and silly string. I think the special effects budget just ran out.

Roadside attractions:  mace to the face, cross bow machine guns, dwarf protective death dome, magical hula-hoops, fishing with a whip, death by silly string, glowing ping pong ball attack, Vulcan elf ears.

Barry Goodall says rent it so that his suffering will not be in vein! huzzzzahhhh!

BEST QUOTE:

“Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I’ll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance.” – Drogo

trailers

dripper

Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Jan

posted by retroman | January 12, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Raiders of Atlantis

Raiders of Atlantis

“Raiders of Atlantis” aka “Atlantis Interceptors” sort of reminds me of “Rambo First Blood”…in that people will say “First Blood was a good movie, Raiders of Atlantis isn’t.” It’s a sort of “Everything but the kitchen sink” approach to filmmaking and could be the only movie to actually suffer from ADHD.

It all starts out as a white guy/black guy buddy movie with Mike (Christopher Connelly) and Washington (Tony King) chloroforming rich guys in mansions and then hog tying them up for delivery in the trunk of their car. After making their last drop and reminiscing about the Viet Cong they decide to take a boat trip. Their vacation is cut short though when they have to pick up survivors from a capsized ocean platform where a Russian submarine just popped up thanks to a large helping of baking soda. Toy subs in a bathtub have never been more breath taking. Somehow the radioactive missiles in the sub have also caused the ancient island of Atantis to rise, a sort of ancient island viagra. The sky grow darks, casio keyboards play in the distance and somewhere a bimbo gets a blow dart to the neck. Behold the mighty powers of Atlantis!

Raiders of AtlantisOne of the platform survivors is Cathy (Gioia Scola.) She’s your average super model scientist who has an ancient pre-Columbian tablet that possibly tells the secrets of the ancient city…and how Juan Valdez can pick all those dang coffee beans all by himself. After some brief sexual tension and discussions about spinach diners they all arrive ashore on a totally different island just to further confuse things. The town’s streets are abandoned and it’s inhabitants have all been brutally killed, a Packers celebration gone horribly wrong. but A gang of  “Road Warrior” rejects are still roaming the streets lead by a bouncer in a fish bowl helmet shaped like a skull. Because when you think evil leaders, you think clear plastic headware.

The biker gang attacks the survivors who hold up in a warehouse, alamo style and start flinging an endless supply of  flaming cocktails. Despite the unlimited ammo, Cathy stills gets kidnapped while Mike and his group try to go after her on a tour bus fending off any air dropped punk rockers. Mike, Washington, the professor, ginger, and a few nameless victims go along for a helicopter ride to the Atlantis Raiders of Atlantisisland to try to rescue Cathy. They somehow stumble upon an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular  including spiked jungle traps and poorly paid cliff divers. Mike has plans to sink the island since they have a professor aboard who can neutralize the radioactive missiles  in the now washed ashore submarine.  Once again this proves the theory that all island professors can build radio’s out of coconuts and reverse radioactive isotopes in their spare time.

Mike uses the totem as a sort of babe scientist GPS device guiding them to an underground tomb where Cathy is being held captive by the band Devo. They’re forcing her to perform as a backup singer in a Robert Palmer music video and solve pictionary puzzles while intravenously feeding her prozac. Tom and Washington fight 100’s of tribal gangs, nearly get chomped up in a ancient wind tunnel fan and dodge aztech death lasers only to find that she doesn’t want to go that badly and then disappears into the wall. Typical first date. The biodome on the island starts to shut and Tom and Washington have to high tail it out before the effects budget runs out.

Barry Goodall says it’s all good…but only  if consumed with large amounts of Pabst Blue and zucinni snappers. Check it out and don’t forget to wear a helmet.

roadside attractions

  • Gratutious use of spinach
  • Toy submarine
  • Drive-by decapitations
  • Flaming cocktails
  • Flame throwers
  • Aztech laser spectacular
  • Flaming helipcopters
  • Extreme wind tunnels
  • Jungle spike impalement
  • Punk rocker blow darts
  • Fish bowl helmets
  • Over use of the term “Come on!” and “Alright lets go!”
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Decapitations, spearing, impaling gore.

3

blood

BREASTS

As cheap as this movie was they wouldn’t sink to that level. pity.

5

beast

BEASTS

If you count the Atlantis demon spirits, probably a dozen or so tops.

5.2 OVERALL
dripper

The original title was “I predatori di Atlantide” which roughly translated means, “I predict this movie will end up in the Atantic”

Check out the trailer for “Raiders of Atlantis”

trailers

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