Archive for the '80’s movies' Category

Jul

posted by admin | July 29, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Cult films

Comments Off on The Monster Squad

monster squad

“Maybe I’ll stick one of you in a giant bowl and keep tapping on the glass and see how you like it? Did you ever think how loud that is to me?! Did you!!!?”

When I was in junior high in the mid 1980’s there was a few things to look forward to.. acne, voice changes and the jr. high dances weren’t one of them. The awkward pre-teen ritual of horrible dancing in a dimly lit school gym still etched in my memory. My parachute pants swaying softly in the purple neon light to the soft rock hits of Foreigner.

Fortunately we never have to witness such horrors to our band of pre-teen heroes in the cult classic “The monster squad” They’re more concerned about kicking monster butt and saving the world than asking the girl in head gear to the dance from home economics class (hey I can still make a mean pasta meatloaf so stop laughing.)

Andrew Gower plays Sean Crenshaw the self appointed leader of the Monster Squad. Whether leadership is measure by the length of your spiky 80’s hair or the level of monster killing knowledge is unknown but Sean soon discovers that Dracula has taken residents in his town searching for a holy amulet and book of spells that will unleash the forces of darkness. Along with his fellow foul-mouthed club members Patrick, Del, Horace and Rudy they attempt to track down the amulet before Dracula uses it and opens a portal to untold darkness, or as we like to call it New Jersey.

Dracula isn’t a one man mission though. He enlisted all the Universal theme park monsters to help him including a hilarious squishy faced werewolf who is more ferret like than wolf, a hastily put together mummy who at any moment looks like he’s going to crumble in a strong wind, the gill-man who is a literal fish out water, and of course the legendary Frankenstein brought back to life via some vampire issued jumper cables.

Dracula sends Frankenstein to get the spell book from the kids but unfortunately Frankenstein has the heart of a dead Auntie who liked to bake cookies and decides to join the Monster Squad and play dress up with Andrew’s little sister Phoebe. Franken-wuss apparently blends well with the crowd of 13 years olds going un-noticed by towns folks and authorities as a 7ft tall peeping tom.

The “Mon” Squad learns the secrets of stopping Dracula’s world domination from a scary German guy played convincingly by Leonardo Cimino. Mr. “S.G.G.” translates the book and tells them of the portal will suck out all the evil monsters out of the world like a giant Hoover vacuum cleaner leaving behind just the fresh scent pine. But only if read by a virgin at midnight while holding amulet of goodness (typical dimensional portal stuff). Virgin’s were in low supply in the 80’s but their market value was at all time high so They instead settle on Del’s older sister figuring close enough should count for something. It doesn’t. They should have went to Frankenmuth, Mi. I’m sure there’s some German virgins there sorting Christmas ornaments somewhere and they would have gotten an excellent chicken dinner as well.

Well things end up as a monster battle royal in the town square as Scary German Guy attempts to give a crash course in German to Andrew’s little sister Phoebee. Dracula’s Vampire vixens are encircling, Mummies are aggressively hitchhiking, the Wolfman is searching for Snausages…. and Gill-man…well he’s just left gasping for air. Who will survive and will they save the world from the forces of darkness and how will they get back in time for a jr. high dance?

A fun cult classic for the foul mouthed kid in all of us who’s watched all those vintage Universal horror films. I say give it a try and if you’re ever attacked by a werewolf just kick him in the nards.

Keep an eye out for…
– close range vampire archery
– feret-faced werewolves
– single-ply mummy wrapping
– intense Jewish pie slicing
– pyrotechnician vampires
– peeping Frankenstein
– Fishing with Twinkie bait
– virgin imposters
– cat-faced teachers
– monster air delivery services
– garlic pizza kung-fu
– gratuitous use of the brother from “The Wonder Years”

“for some reason I really want to drink a Pepsi, go to Burger King then buy a new pair of Adidas after I watched this. Can you say product placement?”

rated 8.7 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer from Monster Squad.

Jul

Comments Off on DeepStar Six

Deepstar Six

“Dead Lobster, For the sea food killer in you”

I think the most prevalent signs of the apocalypse happened back in the 80’s. Reganomics, the band Wham!, and the sudden occurrence of a multitude of underwater monster movies including the Abyss, Leviathan, and this seafood disaster called DeepStar Six.

Greg Evigan plays “no first name” McBride, a scraggly lumber jack navy pilot waiting to get out from deep sea duty to return topside for some well deserved McRest. Yes the same Greg Evigan from the horrifying tv show “My Two Dads.” I believe that show was canceled right after “Alf” thankfully.

McBride is a part of a group of underwater military rejects including a Amish looking porn peddler, a Russian scientist cranked up on Red Bulls, and resident scientist babe Nia Peebles who appears to have stumbled onto the wrong movie set by accident.

The story revolves around a poorly planned deep sea missile base the underwater team is supposed to setup on the sea floor but discover an ancient cavern instead. In the tradition of other film’s underwater caverns you always get a malevolent mutant sea creature thrown in for free. So get your bibs and shell hammers ready because there’s not enough butter to stop this lobster mutant.

The crazy crustacean attacks submarines, swims faster than a missile and infiltrates the DeepStar Six base via chomping on canned spam victims and a quick snack of Ms. fruity Peebles. The remaining survivors, which unfortunately includes Mr. Evigan, load up on their stock piles of shotguns and co2 tipped spears to take on Mr. Crabs now blocking their way to freedom.

A lot of the characters are cheaply killed off through a series of accidents mostly due to a weasely character named Snyder who trips into people with co2 canister tipped spears and accidentally detonates nearby nuclear bombs. Snyder freaks out and tries to get to the surface in an emergency escape pod before he should properly decompress….
pop goes the weasel.

The remaining survivors must battle the monster while figuring out a way to escape to the surface before the base has it’s own nuclear meltdown or they run out of air. Can the movie budget handle all of this?

This film wasn’t as great as I remember when I saw it in my local theater as a teenager. With very little plot and gallons of of water, it’s directed by the same guy that brought us Friday the 13th so I had hopes that a hockey masked scuba diver would arrive on a submarine and clean house. That would have made the movie more interesting and maybe now I wouldn’t have such a craving for buttery lobster. I say check it out and order a side of shrimp.

Keep an eye out for…
– underwater door crushing
– scuba diver chomping
– 2 accidental underwater nuclear explosions
– death by jiffy-pop de-compression
– emergency CPR (Crustacean Pulminary Resuscitation)
– pool party strobe lights
– lobster harpooning
– explosive c02 spear to the chest

“This movie defines deep sea doodie”

rated 6.7 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this riveting clip from DeepStar Six. Snyder’s response at the end is priceless.

Jul

posted by admin | July 15, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on The Last Starfighter

The Last Starfighter

“By the order of Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, I command you to pull my finger”

Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) is a depressing teenager living in a low scale trailer park. He has vague dreams of getting somewhere in life because he likes to stare wishingly at his planet mobil hanging in his bedroom and to stalk the mailbox for rejection letters from community colleges. Between unclogging toilets and ignoring his girlfriend Maggie Gordon (Catherine Mary Stewart) he spends an obscene amount of quarters on a nearby mammoth sized arcade game called “The Starfighter.” to dull his pain.

His apparent short term life goals are realized late one night when he beats the scoring record which brings out all residents of the trailer park like a soccer game final in Brazil. I don’t think the guy that cured polio got this much fanfare.

After the night long celebration of parades and fireworks, Alex is approached by the game’s flim-flam inventor, Centauri, played by Robert Preston who kidnaps him in a pimped out starcar whisking him off to another far away planet. It turns out the game was actually a test to find real star fighters much like the army games the government is churning out for recruiting. Because there’s nothing you want more than white nerdy guys who sits in front of computer screens all day operating firearms or in this case saving the galaxy.

Not too thrilled with the prospects of getting vaporized in a space battle, Alex heads back to Earth only to find a robot clone of himself has been getting busy with his girlfriend, creeping out his family, and is now target practice for lobster headed alien cops.

Alex decides me must finally faces the challenge to fight as the remaining starfighter in a desperate battle against the armada to save the galaxy (mainly because he doesn’t want to get blasted by alien hitmen on Earth). With the help of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle headed co-pilot, Grig, they wage a one ship war against an entire squadron of bad computer generated graphics

.A neat little sci-fi movie from the 80’s that was every Atari playin’ Geeks dream. Give it a try but bring lots of quarters.

Keep an eye out for…
– giant holographic balding aliens
– bifocals made of real eyeballs
– squid faced distempered co-pilots
– Outback steakhouse’s Onion “Death Blossoms”
– 9 year old Hugh Hefners
– grannies listening to pop music
– translator collar clips constructed from old digital watch parts
– aliens with Ed Asner hair cuts
– flash mobs of videogame spectators

“This movie is what destroyed Atari”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Last Starfighter

May

Comments Off on A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Nightmare on Elm St. 4: The Dream Master

“This is why I use SPF 500…3rd degree sun burns are a killer.”

Freddy Krueger, the definitive horror icon of the 80’s. Nothing strikes more fear into teens than a pizza faced wise ass with hand covered cutlery who kills them in their dreams. Say what you will, Freddy was a fashion ground breaker with his k-mart special green and red sweater and Indiana Jones fedora hat. Hey, at least they didn’t make him rock the typical 80’s wristbands and Members Only jacket. At the end of part 3 Freddy was buried in and old junk yard with some holy water and a crucifix (standard anti monster equipment everyone should have). You know you can’t keep a cash movie franchise down so this time he’s been resurrected by a dog peeing flames on his grave… that’s nothing he should really brag about.

In this made for MTV style movie nothing is going to stop Freddy from taking out the remaining survivors from the previous Nightmare sequels, even if one of them is played by a totally different actress (Tuesday Knight as Kristen Parker) which threw me off a bit. Freddy quickly cleans house of annoying teenage actors but finally meets his match in the form of Alice the Dream master who has absorbed all the powers of the the previous victims. So I guess that means Alice gets the power of bad acting, YMCA karate lessons, and big hair styling skills.

Freddy wants to use Alice to bring him new victims through her dreams so he can dispose of them in ever increasing weird ways and add more faces to his abs of souls. Case in point a girl who is afraid of bugs gets turned into a giant cockroach and is squished in a roach motel. Apparently Freddy’s out doing it for style and extra bonus points for the most use of puns. This all leads to the final battle that has all the intensity of a luke warm bath between Freddy and the Dream Master.

I saw Nightmare 4 when I was 14 years old and I was a huge Freddy fan boy at the time so this was a great nostalgic trip back to Elm Street. I say check it out and whatever you do…don’t fall asleep…… and don’t eat beef jerky with Oreo cookies..that’ll guarantee you some real nightmares.

Keep an eye out for…

– flame peeing canines
– nurses with bad dental work
– roach motels…you can check in but you can’t check out
– pizza soul food
– the deep end of a waterbed
– Freddy french kisses
– weight lifting spotters that are horribly burned
– the esophogus of souls
– kung-fu freddy
– Freddy in Ray-Bans
– soul collecting….collect them all!

You know you’re not really scary any more when you’re on lunch boxes, t-shirts, and pez dispensers.

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Apr

Comments Off on Ice Pirates

Space Pirates

“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

– robot kung-fu
– unicorn riding amazon woman
– extreme afros
– jive speaking robot pimps
– crotch claws
– gopher shootin’
– frog-women who drink too much
– freshness sealed princesses
– space herpies
– robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates

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