Archive for the '90’s movies' Category

Mar

Comments Off on Rage

rage

Whenever I want to talk about this movie, I want to yell, “RAAAAGE!” much like those Surge commercials back in the day. Possibly while skydiving, devouring a bag of Dorito’s and slamming a 24 oz. of Mountain Dew and you know something? That’s not a far off description from the movie. This movie is seriously EXTREEEEEME! Everything gets shot, shatters and explodes or gets a roundhouse kick to the dome… mostly in slow motion.

This plot actually shares something similar with 28 Days Later, believe it or not. This evil corporation (is there ever a good one?), Westech, is experimenting with a rage type virus on monkeys and then on illegal immigrants to create the perfect batch of super soldiers. So, shove off Steve Rogers, you shmuck! You see, this shady cop working with Westech by rounding up illegal immigrants for them to run their experiments. But, one of these round ups goes sour and one of these illegal immigrants who’s been supplying Westech with illegal immigrants (I know, just stay with me) decides to start a firefight and flees the scene. He happens to hijack family man and second grade teacher, Alex Gainer, played by the arse kicking brit, Gary Daniels.

Kelly kidnaps Gainer and says since he’s a limey, he’ll work fine for the experiments and claiming, “He don’t speak no good English.” Since Gainer just happens to be in peak physical condition, they all go along with it. No need to run any other tests to see if he has any health conditions or diseases. They just inject him with some unknown liquid to make him go crazy, so there is no need to train him on survival skills or how to use weapons. But shoot, wouldn’t luck have it, Alex also happens to be a martial arts expert, flips his poop switch after the injection and escapes… but not before beating the pulp out of everyone or filling them full of bullet holes! And what would any good action scenes be if they didn’t have nameless thugs being thrown dozens of feet from an explosion in slow-motion? Did you miss that part? Don’t worry. It happens like a thousand more times.

Alex is an unstoppable killing machine! Until Kelly tazers his nards. That’ll put anything down. However, it doesn’t last long as he manages to flee these villains on foot in dark after they threw him in the trunk of a car. They didn’t even get in the car to chase him. I believe the excuse they had was, “It’s too dark to see.” Hmm, well good thing you didn’t come prepared by bringing flashlights. Then you would have to do some work.

Next comes a long and destructive car chase scene, using a tractor trailer, reminding one of Terminator 2. Alex manages to hijack a semi in order to plow through a barricade. Let the carnage begin! This seriously goes on for at least fifteen minutes. Every police car and another tractor trailer that tries to stop Alex get smashed, exploded, and flipped through the air. He causes so much destruction, that a car literally flies about thirty feet in the air, doing flips, landing and exploding. Only the beefiest of men could do something like that. This scene concludes when Kelly, being the caring soul he is, commandeers a school bus and tries to take down Alex head-on, but Alex, being the nimble, ninja skilled, school teacher he is, surfs on top of the truck and leaps from it as it crashes into the bus and explodes. Don’t worry, he made it out of that situation without a scratch. Kelly on the other hand…

After this comes the film’s greatest fight scene, or maybe one of the best fight scenes in a movie ever. Alex stumbles into a random home like a hopped up hobo and begins rummaging through the refrigerator, ramming day old chicken, milk and tomato juice into his face. While all of this is going on, mind you, the owner of the house is upstairs with his dominatrix. Both of them leather bound… all while Flight of the Valkyries plays on the radio. Not since Apocalypse Now has that song sent chills down man’s spine and instilled images of chaos and violence into our minds. But to answer your burning question, yes the dominatrix does get punched in the face.

rageBy now, you’re starting to sense a pattern: Action beat, exposition, action beat, exposition and so on. There is a journalist and his cameraman (or lady in this case) who aren’t really given much to do except question the antagonists in this flick, as the duo sets out to prove that Alex is innocent. Which I do have to question at this point: When does it stop being self defense after you gunned down countless thugs, beat up a dozen or more cops, crashed more vehicles than The Dukes of Hazzard and caused more property damage than Godzilla? Eh, he’s just a good guy trying to prove he’s innocent!

The film adds another villain, kind of a crooked federal agent, who is trying to bring Alex back to the lab. In the process of trying to accomplish said mission, he punches Alex’s wife in the face. Everyone gets beat up in this movie. I’m surprised nobody took a swing at his daughter. I would have loved to see her do a slow motion roundhouse kick to some dudes stomach. That would have been baller, son. Also, one of the best stunts in the movie takes place on a skyscraper with Gary Daniels dangling from it and falling as he is trying to escape someone from a helicopter shooting at him. But, luckily he lands on his feet without a twisted ankle or scratch and runs off to the next action scene.

To conclude this review that has possibly gone on too long, for a movie that seems like it should have been simple to write about, I found myself having a lot to say. Sure, the script serves as a purpose to get actor Gary Daniels from action beat to the next and he doesn’t deliver any action movie one liners, but holy crap… the action is awesomely over the top! I found myself completely entertained this entire flick and (as much as I hate to use this expression, so I will change it just a bit) I found myself at the edge of my uncomfortable futon.

The film does suffer from questionable editing from time to time (you’ll know it once you see it) and the even though the film had a climatic end movie shoot out, it felt like the final showdown between hero and villain was weak. Trust me; it doesn’t go down at all how you think it would. Also, most of Alex’s dialogue is, “BLEEEH! YAGGHHH! ARGH! UMPH!” You get the idea. But if you love cheesy films that have better action than most movies now, and I know you do, watch this. Heck, even if you don’t you should still watch this.

roadside attractions

  • Slo-Mo EXPLO!
  • Take a shot every time someone flies from an explosion in slo-mo
  • Take a shot every time Gary Daniels is grunting.
  • Roundhouse-O-Rama.
  • Tractor Troubles.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Squibs and scratches, but more than enough explosions to keep your inner arsonist happy.

4

blood

BREASTS

Just Gary Daniels glistening, sweaty chesticles.

8

beast

BEASTS

Gary Daniels annihilating everything in site.

8.1 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Rage”

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Feb

posted by General Relativity | February 6, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Reviews by General Relativity

Comments Off on Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies.

Wishmaster is basically like the worst grammar nazi friend ever. Not in the sense that the Wishmaster corrects you when you use “lesser” when you mean “fewer” and gets all pissy when people say “very unique.” Rather, Wishmaster takes everything you say absolutely literally. On top of that he is completely evil. So he will interpret whatever you say in the most detailed, literal, and evil way possible. For example, if you were to say “I wish I could fly,” the WIshmaster would make you levitate into the atmosphere until you froze in the blackness of space. Or, to take another example, if you were in prison and upset about that situation and said, “I wish my good for nothing lawyer would go copulate with himself, such is my hate for him.” (but in not those exact words), the Wishmaster would make the lawyer copulate with himself. Seriously. That actually happens in the movie (NSFW).

The plot of Wishmaster 2, much like its inferior predecessor, consists of the titular evil genie, played by the amazing Andrew Divoff, going from situation to situation tricking hapless mortals into making wishes which he interprets in the most literal and frequently gory and hilarious way possible. For some reason, the Wishmaster decides to get himself arrested so he can go to prison, where people wish things like “I wish I could slip through these bars” with predictably gory results. Anyway, the plot isn’t important. Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies is a hidden gem of 90’s b-horror, mostly thanks to the deliriously hammy Divoff. He is like a performance artist from some edgy comedy troupe dropped into a horror movie. With his demented rictus and bizarre line readings, his interactions with actors attempting (and failing) at naturalism become more surreal than scary.

The Lessons from “Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies”:

-Just leave the mystical lamp/gem/whatever alone. Don’t polish it.
-If you are going to make a wish, make sure its carefully wordsmithed beforehand.

roadside attractions

  • Evil Detail-Oriented Genie
  • Wishes Granted
  • Excellent 1990’s Fashions
  • Prisoners Tormented
  • Gang Bangers
  • Talking Placentas
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

All you could wish for.

1

blood

BREASTS

Nobody wishes to get laid by a supermodel. Do the filmmakers know their audience? Isn’t that the most common wish?

10

beast

BEASTS

I wish Divoff’s Wishmaster was rightfully heralded along the great new wave horror monsters

9 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “WISHMASTER 2 EVIL NEVER DIES”

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Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 28, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Arcade

arcade

A possessed video games starts stealing kids souls in 1993’s “Arcade” and only Peter Billingsley and his trusty red rider rifle can stop it. Peter plays Nick, a self proclaimed gaming wizard who thinks he can beat any game ever made. He and his slacker buddies head down to the Dante’s Inferno Arcade to check out a new videogame and listen to some Pearl Jam. The game is called Arcade and supposedly so high-tech you have to look through a submarine scope and use joysticks while wearing racing gloves. That’s 90’s marketing genius.

Nick is the first to give it a try but once inside the virtual gaming arena, he gets stuck in a spike maze and is killed by a flaming skull bat. Stunned by his defeat, Nick claims it’s the most amazing game he’s ever seen. Really Nick?…even more amazing than Kirby Superstar? All the kids are given a free console version by the promoter but sadly Ebay hasn’t been invented so they can’t sell it back. Alex (Megan Ward) resident newbie isn’t as impressed but her boyfriend Greg ditches her to stay behind and play it anyways. The game microwaves him like day old pizza and he disappears in a puff of smoke. Nobody really notices or cares, but I blame Nirvana.

arcadeDays later people finally start asking what happened to Greg and Alex’s console game starts taunting her about her now teen spirit boyfriend is trapped inside and she’s next. She rushes over to Nick’s to be “consoled” who doesn’t believe her until witnessing a friend getting nuked while playing it in her living room.

Alex and Nick decide to go to the game’s sleazy promotor Mr. Dillford, played by John De “Q” Lance who tells them they are on “trial for crimes against humanity!” OK not really. He actually has no clue what they’re talking about so he takes them to game’s programmer, Albert for some valuable gamer tips. His best advice is “don’t die” and then shows them a picture of a game map for bonus points. Albert must have missed the beta testing.

Alex and Nick plug back into the game now turbo-charged with kids souls but Nick gets wiped out on the first level and Alex gets zapped into a bonus round where her mom commit suicide. Wow, so remember kids don’t play video games or your parents will die. Glad she didn’t make it to the “kicking puppies” level.

ArcadeAlex fortunately had earned a extra bonus life so she’s able to return back to the playfield to defeat the possessed game, free her friends and getting back her loser boyfriend Greg all before dinner. Sadly Nick didn’t even get to first base with Alex. He must have too busy being the “gaming master” or maybe it was the pink bunny suit he kept wearing?

“Arcade” is not one of Full Moon’s better films that didn’t involve killer puppets or star Tim Thomerson but the 20 minutes of psychedelic credits were interesting enough. Barry Goodall says check it out but only if you’re running low on gaming tokens. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to playing a much better game of Angry Birds.

roadside attractions

  • Flaming skull bats
  • CGI by a 5th grader
  • Seth Green’s Hair
  • The spiked cave Level from the game Doom
  • Emo pod racing
  • Slacker power gloves
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

A  few ketchup drops on a sucidial housewife’s blonde wig.

0

blood

BREASTS

The only boobs are the ones that paid money to see this in the theater.

5

beast

BEASTS

The arcade machine itself and a few CGI rendered flaming skull bats left over from a Def Leopard video.

2.5 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Arcade”

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Jan

posted by admin | January 7, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon

Comments Off on Dead City

Dead City

Don’t get me started on zombie films. In a nutshell, there are too many of them and they don’t offer anything different: Same makeup, same stupid hissing sounds and same plots. But take this little gem from the mid 90’s. Here’s a little movie from The Necro Files director Matt Jaissle that offers a different spin on the zombie genre, much like Dead Heat was a zombie movie. Now that I think about it, you could also compare this movie to Universal Soldier, only with a mullet clad hero instead of Van Damme. That’s a good thing.

Anyway, onto the movie! Dr. Bloom played by Bill Hinzman, who I barely recognized behind that hunky mustache… or maybe it’s because his face wasn’t painted grey and he wasn’t chomping down on a boobie, has discovered a way to reanimate dead tissue. I guess Herbert West should have patented that. The good doctor had to borrow money from the mob to fund this little science fair project and they are dubbed as ‘Cybernetic Zombie Assassins’ or CZA’s. Kinda catchy. Actually, it kinda sounds like a member of the Wu Tang Clan. The CZA’s are draped in black trench coats and these weird Mortal Kombat ninja masks with goggles and tubes. Come to think of it, they kinda look like the Augers from Night Trap. Did you ever play that? Good lord. So as one may have figured, the doctor has a change of heart (some BS about moral issues, I dunno) and the mob boss Francis has him gunned down. Francis is the kind of guy who does indeed wear his sunglasses at night so he can keep track of the visions in his eyes. He also slicks his hair back with about several gallons of shoe polish and wears black suits that he probably lifted from a funeral home and has a very ‘snake-like’ face. But that’s just my opinion. He’s a greaseball. That’s what I’m trying to say.

Dead CityEnter Dr. Bloom’s son, Taylor (the mullet guy I mentioned earlier) who looks kinda like if Kyle Reese had a severe addiction to gravy and painkillers. Taylor is all like, “Where’s my dad?” And Dr. Bloom’s porky, drunk lab assistant Russell is all like, “He’s dead, bro.” Then Taylor is all like, “Bro?” Then Russell is like, “Bro.” Well it wasn’t quite like that, but you get the idea. Taylor and Russell decide they are going to use the CZA’s to get revenge on the mobsters. But first, they have to rebuild all the CZA’s in a sweet 80’s montage! Or should I say 90’s? Either way, it’s awesome! That is until the bucket of ice cold water to the groin of a girlfriend of Taylor, Heather. Basically, her role is small and simple: Try to be the moral compass and tell them the revenge plan isn’t a good idea. Pbbt, stupid girl.

Taylor goes along with his plan anyway, because he is pissed off, so to hell with everyone and their stupid feelings! This dude has some major daddy issues and pretty much has a jock mentality of just beating the crap out of everything as an answer. So the CZA’s kill the mob and then wander off and start killing everyone. And by everyone I mean a couple people, two of which are cops who don’t call for back up and scream at each other like they are trying to talk over some loud noises that aren’t there.  Taylor realizes that he must set out to stop them, only to get stabbed in the chest by a CZA with Wolverine style claws. However, Russell and Taylor know that if they bring him back as a CZA, then he can stop them once and for all! It’s actually not a bad plan. Although in an earlier scene, the CZA gang up on Taylor, who only has a shotgun, but they run away when his girlfriend shows up. I guess the CZA’s biggest weakness is frizzy ladies’ 90’s hair.

Dead CityOh remember that mob boss? Yeah, he comes back as a CZA too, but with this goofy cartoon chipmunk voice. Apparently he had his own group of scientist copy the same serum that Dr. Bloom created. So why would he keep funding a project if he already had what he was after? To be more evil, of course!

Dead City, also called Legion of the Night, is a low budget, cheesy good time. The entire cast chews scenery like a kid chews Big League Chew: big slurpy gulps. It’s a lot of fun to watch and worth a couple laughs. The only downside is there really isn’t enough to satisfy any gore hound. The movie tends to shy away in that department.

Regardless of my small complains, this one comes highly recommended. The Legion commands it!

“The version I had the honor of seeing was a limited release from local VHS aficionados Vultra Video. They brought the best copy they could get a hold of and produced this video, so please check out their site www.vultravideo.com.

roadside attractions

  • Evil Mob Boss Grease?
  • Foul Mouthed Renegades
  • ?Homeless(er) Kyle Reese?
  • Augers!?
  • Wolverine Ninja Skillz!
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few squibs. Pip, pip, pip.

3

blood

BREASTS

One set of gozangas

9

beast

BEASTS

Sure those CZA are deadly, but these Mobster’s grease are just as deadly!

7.6 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Dead City” aka “Legion of the Night”

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Aug

posted by Doktor | August 15, 2012 | 90's movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Rest stop, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on There’s Nothing Out There: Rest Stop Review Edition

Tagline: A horror film of comic proportions.

Year: 1992 Runtime: 91 min

Director: Rolfe Kanefsky

Writer: Rolfe Kanefsky

Starring: Craig Peck, Wendy Bednarz and Mark Collver

Damn you and your clever ways, Rolfe Kanefsky! How in the hell am I supposed to make snarky comments about the cliched tropes your film is doing the very same thing? I have been racking my brains trying to get something started that doesn’t create a recursive loop. Every time I think I find a chink, the center caves in and I end up staring at the blinking cursor on the otherwise blank white page.

Interestingly, this intellectual black hole is exactly what happened when Mike, Crow and Tom Servo attempted an episode where they broke the fourth wall, becoming self aware. The universe narrowly escaped existential destruction. Can you imagine? A dimension where Jean Paul Sartre was right. How horrible!

Here’s the thing, if you didn’t know any of the history of There’s Nothing Out There, you might think this was a Screamsploitation film. It’s not. Actually, this movie preceded Scream by 4 years. (Quick note: I’m not going to go into any conspiracy theories about stolen ideas, but I bring it up because there is a possibility of some cross-pollination.) When you know that, things get interesting. There’s Nothing Out There is the product of a 20 year old, first time director, which is damned impressive.

There’s Noting Out There is a great film. It is the transplantation of the audience’s knowledge into the film. When the dumb couple go out for a “stroll” through the dark woods, there’s Mike, the omniscient, with the warning, “You’re actually going? You’re actually going outside. We’ve had warnings, murder attempts and you’re going out for a walk in the woods?” which is exactly the same thing the audience is thinking. This is the ultimate of existential horrors, the Angst and the Nausea. It was misery to be a teenager, but imagine being a teen-ager stuck in a horror movie and you KNOW you’re in a horror movie. At every turn your friends are disappearing and dying and there’s nothing you can do about it, despite the fact you are warning them every step of the way. This is brilliant, and to be written by a 20 year old, it borderlines sublime. If you have no interest in all this film theory deconstruction there is something very practical you can get from this film. B-MOVIE SURVIVAL TIP: Make sure you have well stocked reserves of saving cream. “Nobody likes a mouthful of shaving cream.”

Roadside Attractions:

  • Proper use of “boom in the shot”
  • Gratuitous breasts 80s style
  • Boglin on steroids
  • Decapitation, face melting and green slime gore

For more on Rolfe Kanefsky, check out our interview with him.



Check out the trailer for “There’s Nothing Out Therre”

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