Archive for the '90’s movies' Category

Nov

Comments Off on A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

I’ll say one thing about A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell: it delivers on its promise. There is a titular nymphoid. Dinosaurs abound. There are barbarians. And there is no shortage of Hell. It is worth notin’ that the title says Nymphoid, not Nymphomaniac, which is what I thought it said. Big difference between the two, and as a result, my Tuesday morning.

Accordin’ to Prof. Wikipedias, nymphoid refers to a nymph, meanin’: A young girl, especially one who inspires lustful feelings.

Makes sense. Lea, said nymphoid, is young and just about every guy in the flick wants to give her saddle a rattle.

Now, compare to nymphomaniac: A woman with excessive sexual desire.

If the flick were A Nymphomaniac Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, the plot probably wouldn’t move too far. Lea would be lovin’ everythin’ in sight, just like Ma Sixon after her Thanksgivin’ gallon of Wild Turkey.

Nymphoid Barbarian In dinosaur HellBut sadly, there is very little lovin’ in this flick. In fact, more uglies were bumped in Forrest Gump.

This here post-apocalyptic flick opens with Lea explainin’ how the world came to an end over a montage (a “capitalist conspiracy” is mentioned–some thing never change, eh?). Most of the footage in the montage looks like it came from a bunch of other flicks, and that ain’t surprisin’, as Nymphoid was a Troma release. They reuse more old footage than a rerun of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

To sum up: bad stuff happened in the past (see: Nukes), and now the ravaged world is filled with mutants and dinosaur-like beasties. Items of note: Lea claims to be from Tromaville, and she starts her narration with “Dear Diary,” even though, as we learn later, she can barely read.

Tryin’ to survive in this Dinosaur Hell are our nymphoid and her boyfriend, Marn. Yes, when you get right down to it, this flick is a love story. A love story with some road bumps, mind you. Seems like everyone is after Lea. In the first few minutes of the flick, a gang, who looks like a Manowar cosplay, tries to capture and have their way with Lea.

Marn saves Lea, but later on, she gets captured by a pack of reptoids and their master, a poor man’s Kurgan. The group of baddies beat the tar out of Marn, but he is nursed back to health by an old man, who is learned in the ways of public domain literature (he recites the Jabberwocky poem from Through the Looking Glass). After he’s healed up, Marn goes searchin’ for Lea. What we have here is a ‘boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl meets mutants, boy fights mutants’ kinda love story.

And dinosaurs. Lots of dinosaurs. The effects are classic stop-motion animation, and pretty dang good for a low-budget flick. While there is a fair amount of action, the combat is about as fierce as a third grade stage version of Braveheart: punches and kicks barely connect, and weapons are swung with hesitation. Given that most of the cast played multiple parts, I guess the director didn’t want anyone gettin’ hurt.

Now, this don’t mean the flick is lacking in blood. Nope. Limbs are severed. Baddies are chomped to bits by dinos. Heck, there’s even a bit of cannibalism—just in time for Thanksgivin’!

The acting in A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is its weakest link, but it only adds to the charm and if you are worried ‘bout the actin’ in a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, then you are probably watchin’ the wrong movie, friend.

Tiger says, give this one a watch for the stop-motion animation alone, but bring a few beers–or a gallon of Wild Turkey.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Nukes
  • Ear biting
  • Tromaville Sign
  • Axe swinging
  • Sword whirling
  • Hesitant combat
  • Cameraman Shadows
  • Reptoid abuse
  • Swamp Men
  • Laundry stealing
  • Leather bikinis
  • Severed limbs
  • Sandworms
  • Stop motion dinosaurs
  • Dinosaur fights
  • Reptoids
  • Public Domain Literature
  • Groping
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

severed limbs and hungry dinos supply plenty of blood. Plus: cannibalism!

2

blood

BREASTS

we see Lea’s mosquito bites for about 39 frames in the final five minutes.

10

beast

BEASTS

A variety of dinos, reptoids, mutants and more.

6.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell”

trailers

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Nov

Comments Off on Audio B-movie Review – Dollman

Hey y’all, Tiger here.

I was able to do another one o’ those Audio Reviews for the Ginger and the Geek Podcast. If yer ears be hungry for more o’ my golden voice, then give my audio review of Dollman a listen. It is under five minutes long, which is about how long my third marriage lasted.

If you wanna listen to the whole dang podcast episode, feel free. It is an hour and three minutes long, making it a touch longer than my fourth marriage.

I also have a wrote up version of the review too. Enjoy.

Oct

Comments Off on Arena

Arena

Do you like movies about sweaty, shirtless guys punching space aliens? Then Arena (1989, dir. Peter Manoogian) is the flick for you. If not, well, then yer on the wrong website, friend. I’m sure Martha Stewart has somethin’ about puttin’ glitter on pinecones over on her site.

arenaTake Rocky and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (or Babylon 5 if you prefer), toss ‘em in a blender and you pretty much have Arena. On a space station populated with humans and aliens, a human short order cook, Steve Armstrong, dreams of fighting in the station’s popular slugfest.

Now, let’s back up a bit. Our hero, a fighter, is named Steve Armstrong. Get it? That would be like naming Tom Cruise’s character in Days of Thunder, Cole Driveswell, or Roy Scheider in Jaws, Chief Martin Kantswim.

But, given that Steve Armstrong, played by Christopher Reeve clone Paul Satterfield, looks and acts more or less like a poor man’s Flash Gordon, the name works. This is not a serious epic about the tests and trails of a fighter, like in say The Fighter (starring the Batman and Marky Mark). Nah, this is an excuse for a guy to punch a bunch of alien puppets. Need another example? Steve’s best buddy is a short alien guy with four arms, named, of course, Shorty. This film does not take itself seriously, and I mean that in a good way.

It is worth noting that this here flick features plenty of folks from both Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5—science fiction TV shows about life on a space station. Both o’ these shows came a few years after Arena, so maybe we have this flick to thank for a pair of classic science-fiction shows. Or it just helped them all get another job. Typecasting, y’know? Kind of like how Don S. Davis played a fair share of military guys, or how Clint Eastwood never plays anyone who smiles.arena

Arena starts out with Steve picking a fight with some kinda fish man. Reminds me of the time I tried fishing for catfish barehanded. Steve’s throws and ‘bo’s grabs the eye of a fighter trainer, played by B5’s Claudia Christian, and he gets his wish: to be the first human in 50 years to fight in the titular arena.

But, all ain’t cheery in the arena. A shady fight promoter fixes fights and rules the roost. His henchman, DS9’s Armin Shimerman (once again in full makeup), ain’t too nice neither. Steve fights his way through alien after alien as he works his way to the top of the rankings—and yes, we are treated to a mandatory montage.

Hijinks and shady business plague Steve as he works his way up to the championship fight, but you pretty much know how this one is gonna end. Arena does have a neat plot device in the form of the Handicapper—a machine that averages out the strength between the two fighters. This comes in handy when one fighter is a scrappy human, and the other is some sort of horned cyborg-lizard with a welded on codpiece. Yeah.

arena

The real charm of Arena lies in its alien makeup effects. And, thankfully, some of the aliens ain’t yer basic humanoid shape neither. One of Steve’s first fights is against some kind of large-space grasshopper thing. It is a sight to behold, and makes the flick worth a watch on its own. They don’t make ‘em like this no more. A bit of trivia, Hollywood voice over legend, Frank Welker, provides voices for some, if not all, of the aliens Steve fights.

Tiger says, while Arena is predictable with its underdog fighter plot, it is fun and the makeup effects are great reminder of what movies were like before the overuse of CGI and motion-capture. Give it a peep, and play the Count the Star Trek/B5 Actors Drinking Game.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Puppet Punching
  • Alien Punching
  • Poor Customer Service
  • Food Throwing
  • Fourhanded Cooking
  • Fourhanded Massages
  • Gold Shorts
  • Cyborg Codpieces
  • Exploding Skulls
  • Hologram Dancing Girls
  • Future Star Trek Actors
  • Future Babylon 5 Actors
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

While there is plenty of fighting, mostly punching and the like, there is little blood on screen. Sure, Steve bleeds a bit here and there, but it is nothing major.

1

blood

BREASTS

We don’t see any full on naked boobies, but we get close a couple times, and Steve’s dream girl has some low cut dresses.

10

beast

BEASTS

Yes, Arena is lacking a bit in the first two categories, but it piles on the aliens with puppets, body suits and some great makeup effects—especially for a straight to video movie.

4.3 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Arena”

trailers

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Oct

Comments Off on Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice

Children of the Corn 2

Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice has all the ingredients for making a good b-movie. It’s got demonic possession, impalement, old people, creepy kids….. oh and corn, plenty of corn. In fact, Children of the Corn 2 has way more corn cobs than should be allowed by either the MPAA or the FDA. So much corn, It would actually make a better stew than a movie.

Taking place 8 years after the killing spree in Gatlin, the psycho-amish kids have been deported to the nearby town of Hemmingford for some rest and rehab. The folks there decided to adopt them all which is mighty neighborly, except for the fact the kids killed every adult at the last place they lived. A reporter, John Garrett (Terrence Knox) and his son, Danny are on a road trip and learn about the massacre from a news crew who later get impaled by corn stalks through their van window. Little known fact, Nebraskian corn stalks are extremely durable, used to frame up modular homes and build bridges.

Children of the Corn 2John and Danny were hoping to find a truck stop to get some puffy hats with filthy sayings on em’ but run into some local hotties crusing in a mustang instead. Angela who owns a nearby bed and breakfast for drifters and actor has-beens while Lacey is an exhibitionist that likes to shower under waterfalls for any passer-bys. John wastes no time and gets busy with the B&B lady  while Danny fails to even get to first base with Lacey, his incredible blandess barely edging out the fact he still has all his teeth. Meanwhile, Mikah a satanic hipster in a suit vest goes all dark emperor one night when electric lights shoot out of his hands and he commands the children to make sacrifices to “He who walks behind the rows.” They end up crushing an old lady under a house, overdosing a mortician, and giving a guy a nosebleed. It’s not even a fair fight.

John finally begins to suspects something is wrong when a mysterious indian named Frank Redbear (not his real name) shows him a rock drawing and talks about vengeful spirits, homocidal indian kids and casinos as far as the eye can see. John digs Frank’s no-nonsense approach to rock storytellin’ and together they uncover the town’s deadly secret. The town’s corn supply has been releasing a toxin into the water  that could be turning kids into crazed killers. Unfortunately before they can let anyone know the truth, they get tied up by the deputy  leaving them in a field to be ran over by a corn harvester.

Children of the Corn 3

Back at the B&B, Mikah convinces Danny that his crappy attitude is all his dad’s fault and tries to get him to join their jr. league satanic cult. Danny is easily swayed by people shorter than him so he attends their initiation where they demand he sacrifice his not-so-virgin girlfriend to their demon god, an aggressive field mole. John and Redbear escape the harvester  just in time stop Danny from stabbing Lacey but then the indian gets killed with a bow and arrow ironically and all hell breaks loose. In the end, good still triumphs over evil and they ceremonially burn Redbear in the middle of a field letting him return to the spirit world while watching 1000’s of acres accidentally burn to a crisp.

….and somewhere an indian sheds a tear.

Children of the corn 2  is a bountiful crop of crap, a cornucopia of bad, but I suppose you can give it a try if there’s nothing on the Food Network to watch. Barry Goodall says “If you build it, they will come….but if you make a bad sequel to a mediocre Stephen King film then it shall go directly to video.”

roadside attractions

  • syringe death
  • severed hand
  • house crushing
  • extreme nose bleeding
  • death by corn cob
  • impalement by corn stalks
  • throat ripping
  • death by hypodermic needles
  • house burning
  • old lady crushing
  • wheel chair remote control
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

gallons…most of it from one guys nose

6

blood

BREASTS

plenty of cleavage and extreme gawking but don’t go chasing waterfalls

3

beast

BEASTS

demon kids, a pesky demon mole and a mean lady in a wheel chair

3.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice”

trailers

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Apr

posted by admin | April 26, 2011 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Dollman

Dollman1991 was a banner year. The Cold War came to an end, Queen Elizabeth II became the very first British monarch to address the US Congress, and Dollman was released on home video. Yes, home video. This gem was direct to video, as part of Full Moon Entertainment’s stable along with the Puppet Master and Trancer series.

The “Thirteen Inches with Attitude” tagline may make you think this is a bio pic about Tattoo from Fantasy Island or a sequel to Boogie Nights, but it ain’t.

DollmanTim Thomerson (remember him from Zone Troopers?) plays alien cop Brick Bardo. A tough guy with a gun, who always gets his man. OK, let’s face facts—Thomerson pretty much plays the same character in every film, be it Dollman, Trancers, or Zone Troopers. But that’s just fine. He’s good at those kind of characters. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it—just like the armadillo trap in my cell. Them’s good eatin’.

Bardo is busy busting heads on a far away planet, which involves him wearing sunglasses at night (cue the song), when he gets a visit from an old pal. And by an old pal, I mean a bad guy who has been resorted to a floating head, thanks to Mr. Bardo. Apparently, Bardo blew off a different body part during each of their previous encounters. This is how you get ahead in relationships.

A henchman steals Bardo’s gun, but our hero uses a Jedi mind trick to return it to his hand—and that’s when all Hell breaks loose. And so do body parts. Lots of body parts. Bardo’s hand gun turns Floating Head’s henchmen into something out of a Picasso painting. Floating Head escapes in a spaceship and Bardo gives chase in his own. The pair is sucked into a worm hole in outer space (as opposed to Wisconsin), and they crash land, where else, but in the Bronx. Hilarity ensues. Literally.

DollmanThis is where the Doll portion of the title comes in to effect. It turns out, that while Bardo was of normal size on his home planet, he is only thirteen inches tall on Earth. Reminds of that time I went to [CLASSIFIED] where all the [CLASSIFIED] are super tall. Good thing I do all that yoga.

After arriving in the Bronx, we are treated to a touching montage of what the city has to offer: crime, drugs, and violence. Ah, city life. A woman, Debi, is attacked by a gang near where Bardo crash landed, so he lends a hand. And like Stubby Joe over in D-Block on the base, it is a very tiny hand.

Bardo’s super-powerful gun only does average damage to the giant henchmen of Earth, but it is still plenty. What baddies survive, run away. Debi, thankful but confused, takes Bardo home with her.

Remember Floating Head? He’s on Earth too, and about as dangerous as half of a tennis ball. Oh, and he has a bomb of some kind. Details. He joins forces with the gang’s leader, Braxton—Oscar nominated actor, Jackie Earle Haley, who looks like a poor man’s Ray Liotta in this. Yes, this was many years before his nomination (for Little Children), but you have to start somewhere, just like my tapeworm. You may also remember Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen or as Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. No? That’s OK, I didn’t seem those either.

DollmanBack at Debi’s apartment, Bardo makes short work of a cockroach with his gun, and she yells “don’t pull that thing out again!” She sounds just like my second wife. She hated my glass eye. Just kidding. It was a real eye.

Braxton’s crew shows up for the Dollman, but Bardo paints the walls with their blood. Really, he does. Debi scrubs it off with a sponge in the next scene—and then gets kidnapped. Bardo has enough, and goes for one last tiny showdown with the gang, proving once again, that just like cheap dentures, friends come in all sizes.

Dollman has plenty of blood, but no breasts, and very few beasts unless you count Floating Head and a “giant” cockroach. Still, it is fun to watch Thomerson act like he is only thirteen inches tall, and for direct to video, the special effects are pretty good. Give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Bloody walls
  • Alien Laundromats
  • Sunglasses at night
  • Exploding crooks
  • Floating heads
  • Tiny spaceships
  • Bloody Gang bangers
  • Colored Bandanas
  • Flannel
  • “Giant” Roaches and Mice
  • Big guns
  • Tiny men
  • Inter-dimensional bombs
  • Lost limbs
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

There is no shortage of the red stuff in Dollman. It helps when the main character has a gun that can blow baddies to pieces.

0

blood

BREASTS

You don’t see any fun bags in this outing. Sorry, kids.

5

beast

BEASTS

Floating Head counts as a beast, I suppose, as he is rather creepy. Plus you have a “giant” cockroach and “giant” mouse.

5.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Dollman”

trailers

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