Archive for the 'Action' Category

Dec

posted by admin | December 10, 2013 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

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Judge Dredd

In the future, one man is The Law.” That’s the slogan for the Sylvester Stallone crazy train, Judge Dredd. Based on a popular comic book of the same name, Judge Dredd takes places in a future where everything is as nice as a rusty bear trap. The book-learnin’ term is dystopia, but crap-hole works just fine.

Stallone is pretty much RoboCop, if RoboCop was all human, and wore an even crazier metal codpiece (they even wear similar head gear). Stallone acts as judge, jury, and even executioner in Mega-City One—which looks an awful lot like the Mushroom Kingdom in the Super Mario Bros. movie. Stallone doesn’t just fire bullets, nope, he’s got more catch phrases than a Steve Urkel clip show. “I knew you’d say that,” is one, and as would be expected, “I’ll be the judge of that,” and “Court’s adjourned” are others.

But, you gotta enjoy, on some level, any film what opens with a James Earl Jones voice-over. Yep, the voice of Darth Vader/Simba’s Dad reads the opening narration, setting the tone for this here film. Everything sounds cool when James Earl Jones reads it—heck, I’d pay good money to hear him read Twilight cover to cover.

Since Judge Dredd takes place in the future, you see robots, flying motorcycles, and plenty of spandex. A winning combination, or at least my idea of a hot Saturday night. There’s also Rob Schneider, who plays a hacker. Hey, it was the mid-1990s, every movie needed at least one hacker.

Despite the WTF-ness of Judge Dredd, and its wafer-thin connection to the original comic, if features some fun special effects and make-up effects. The animatronic robot is dang cool, and the make-up for a cyborg-cannibal-mutant is out standing. Sure, Judge Dredd ain’t no Demolition Man (and what is, really?) or even Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, but it has its moments—and most of those moments involve giant robots and spandex.

Tiger says, if you are up for some crazy 1990s sci-fi action, give Judge Dredd a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Giant Robots
  • Spandex
  • Flying Motorcycles
  • Stallone Impressions
  • Exploding Buildings
  • Big Guns
  • Mutants
  • Cannibals
  • Recycled Food
  • Metal Codpieces
  • Max von Sydow
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Lots of gun shootin’, but it ain’t too gory.

0

blood

BREASTS

Everyone is covered up in this here flick. But there’s a James Earl Jones voice over, so it ain’t all bad.

10

beast

BEASTS

Giant robots, killer mutant cyborg cannibals, and other crazy things.

5 OVERALL
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Dec

posted by Doktor | December 6, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Doktor

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Tagline: The Exterminator – a one-man army obsessed with a single thought – Revenge!

Year: 1984 Runtime: 89 min

Director: Mark Buntzman

Writer: Mark Buntzman, William Sachs,

Starring: Robert Ginty, Mario Van Peebles, Deborah Geffner

Sigh.

I’m blue. Why? ‘Cos I’m a horrible person. I haven’t always been a horrible person. There used to be a time where I could sympathize and/or empathize with the plight of others. Now though…

I mean, vigilante movies are supposed to move you, right? You’re supposed to care about the characters. You’re supposed to be indignant with them, to the point of cheering them on in their killing spree. Aren’t you?

All I felt while watching Exterminator 2 was my gynecomastia for abnormal lumps. My moobs were tender and I was all emotional and, well, let’s say I was a mess and leave it at that. Weird how I was all emotional but couldn’t care less about the characters in the movie.

Take the protagonist, John Eastland, the Exterminator, a down-on-his-luck veteran turned vigilante. He’s driven to clean up the streets because his girlfriend, Caroline, is crippled by some street thugs who are seeking revenge on Exterminator. Caroline is a dancer with stars in her eyes. She was going to dance on Broadway. Not anymore! They took her dancing from her, and dancing was all she had (even if it was pole dancing in jazzercise tights at a local bar). And then there’s Be Gee, Exterminator’s friend from the war. He’s the kind-hearted trash man who’ll split his only sandwich with a local stray. Naturally he helps out his old war buddy and he gets killed during an ill-planned raid on a drug deal for his trouble.

Ok. So…

I can hear Buntzman say, “But Exterminator uses flamethrower. That’s cool, right?” Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it makes him a compelling character.

What about the villains? If they’re sufficiently bad enough it will make up for weak heroes, right?

The antagonist, Mario Van X, and his gang to Mad Max rejects, i.e. 80’s NYC street thugs, are about as intimidating as sparkly vampires. Actually, there’s a scene where Van X is looking all sexy, sweaty and shirtless, with a big X painted on his chest to look tough, but he’s been hosed with glitter. It’s like a unicorn exploded on him. Despite all his rage he’s still sparkly. He does have some kind of ESP which leads him to Exterminator’s hideout for the Final Boss Fight. While that’s pretty cool, overall Van X is meh.

Even when his gang’s being evil it’s unbelievable. When they get their drug shipment Van X sends Roller Skate Brother for a guinae pig. Since when is it necessary to kidnap someone to test your smack on? Remember, this is 1984 NYC. Forget the year, this is New York City! Junkies abound. Uhg.

Oh, and about Roller Skate Brother, nothing says thug life like jheri curl and roller skates.

And then there’s the culmination of the stuff that’s happened in the Final Boss Fight. Van X’s thugs go down quicker than sorority pledges during rush week, so there’s no point in bothering with saying more. The fight between Exterminator and Van X is basically a game of chase. There is a confusing bit where Van X pauses. There’s no good reason for him to give pause. He reloaded a fresh mag in his uzi and chased The Exterminator to within 20 – 25 feet. Exterminator is wounded, a leg shot, and can’t move very fast. Yet, Van X doesn’t shoot. He has a clear shot. Exterminator is right in front of him. Nada. Really?

Van X deserves to get blowed up!

To round out the logic of the film the final scene as credits roll is of Exterminator walking away. The warehouse is full of dead people, fire, guns, drugs, etc., and Exterminator is dropping incriminating evidence, piece by piece, as he stumbles off.

Then I remember something crucial: Exterminator 2 is another Golan-Globus production, the people responsible for cinematic turd Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Ah! Now it all makes sense. I’m not the terrible person, Golan-Globus are. Phew!

roadside attractions

  • Hear passionate Lurv song lyrics like “Come take my love. I’ll show you how!”
  • Witness the easiest armored car heist EVAR. A couple shots, a jump cut, and the truck’s stopped, driver’s dead and the thugs are about to pull the guy out of the back!
  • Suffer the indignity of the sex scene that’s about as erotic as a monthly breast self-examination!
  • Feel the Passion of Mario Van X as he “remembers” the bad times and it drives him to one-armed push ups!
  • Struggle to understand how the Exterminator can bust in through a door and then back out of the same door when crashing the big drug deal!
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Mostly crispy critters since a flamethrower is the Exterminator’s tool of choice, but there’s some bullet hits with some nice splatter.

2

blood

BREASTS

A couple flashes during the lame love scene.

5

beast

BEASTS

Mario Van X and his gang of 80’s thugs kinda qualify as beasts, right?

4 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Exterminator 2”

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Nov

posted by Doktor | November 23, 2013 | 90's movies, Action, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman.

Year: 1990 Runtime: 93 min

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Paul Garson

Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, John Phillip Law, Ross Hagen

With an opening title of “Amazing Movies Presents” Alienator flaunts it’s quality like sharting your pantaloons while spreading Grey Poupon with pinkies out. And before I go any farther into the movie I need to dissect the tagline, “In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman.” First, 90% of the movie takes place on Earth. Second, Alienator is a cyborg who only vaguely resembles a woman. In fact, all the ‘roids have made its jaw so hard and square I’m still not sure if it’s a female. Third, and most importantly, since when have women been considered the most deadly animal? Even if I was willing to give the movie some wiggle room here, assuming the maxim “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” that might mean women are the deadliest of the sexes. The deadliest animal? In all the worlds of deep space? I think somebody was having problems with his wife, girlfriend, lover (or all three) and didn’t have a dog to kick to blow off steam.

Enough with the Persnickety Priss, on to Alienator proper.

Alienator is a story about a bunch of detestable people who all deserve to die. The inhabitants of this “far-off corner of the galaxy” are unsympathetic arses. The ruler, Baal, is a tyrant. The leader of the rebels, Kol, is a sociopath who kills thousands of innocent people. And then there’s Jan-Michael “Airwolf” Vincent, i.e. Commander of Space Prison. I think Commander—that’s his name, or at least the only thing he’s called—is supposed to be a tough cookie who’s just doing his job, but Vincent plays him like a drunk foster parent with a house full of gingers.

Now I might be confused, and this movie sure doesn’t help clear things up, but aren’t we as viewers supposed to care for someone?

When the universe is full of worthless cretins guess what that means for the efficacy of the corrections system? It’s explosive intestinal rot on a 12+ hour flight nightmare. To put it another way, for a maximum security prison PLANET, this facility sure is easy to escape.

The blame lies squarely on the guards’ shoulders. Why? Because all the prison guards stand on the outside of the guard rails during a prison break/shoot out. The guard rails are there because this is a multi-level structure. I’m not sure how being in the danger zone is advantageous, but I have a theory. It makes for a dramatic death when they fall off. One would assume that not falling to their deaths be preferable, but what do I know.

At least the characters in Alienator are consistent with Sci Fi conventions. Namely, no one can shoot straight, much less hit their target. These idiots couldn’t even shoot themselves. Even the Alienator, a hunter with specialized robotic enhancements, can’t hit a target tied down and at point blank range.

So Kol, the rebel leader, escapes from Space Prison and ends up crashing on Earth. When he sees the Earth on his view screen he recognizes it, though how is never explained. Which is a good thing, because when the movie tries to explain itself things go horribly wrong (see first roadside attraction).

For most of the movie Kol is acting like he can’t breathe. He grabs at a collar on his neck, which suggests it has something to do with his distress. Yet, when he puts his fingers in between the collar and his neck there’s plenty of room. Was it randomly squeezing? Was it injecting him with something? Shocking him? Was it really hurting him? I just dunno. I don’t think the filmmakers did either.

Oh, another neat feature of the collar is that it’s a tracking device. Naturally this is a boon for the Alienator. Unfortunately, it’s a two-way device. For some reason it alerts the wearer that the hunter is close by. Is this a psychological feature meant to scare the bejesus out of the person? Why not make the collar do something cool like, uhm, I don’t know, stun the prisoner? Or, better still, have it blow off their head. Problem solved.

Wait… right. Sorry. It wasn’t in the script. Nevermind.

Kol wanders out of his ship and gets hit by the requisite group of college kids on vacation in their RV. Rick is the overbearing, self-serving jerk. Bennie is the smart one with glasses. Caroline is the blonde bimbo. And rounding out the group is Tara, the brunette. They scoop up Kol and take him to the ranger station.

At the ranger station, Ward Armstrong, the ranger, gets the story. Of course the kids don’t know much, only that they want to get out before they’re caught up in legal hassles. Kol violently comes to. He tells them he’s from another planet and on the run for his life. Both Ranger Ward and the Scooby-Doo crew believe it. Why not? Nothing strange about a space foreigner on the run from the space law. When Rick doubts the validity of the story he’s the “crazy” one.

Another reason why some people deserve to die. And right on cue here comes Alienator.

She indiscriminately kills people and destroys things, even when they are NOT interfering with her objective. The poor doctor who was summoned to help Kol is toasted for his troubles. Cars are vaporized. Ranger Ward’s cabin is shot up, and the sad part is, no one was in the cabin. She was just shooting the place up. She even kills the comic relief hillbillies. Though, in her defense, they were shooting at her.

Luckily for our heroes(?) when a ‘Roid Ragin’ Space Terminator™ comes to camp there’s a gun-crazy Colonel, with all kinds of illegal weapons, living within walking distance. While he doesn’t put much stock in the spaceman story, he is ready for a fight. Especially when it means he can use his anti-personnel mine.

While they are fortifying the Colonel’s hut, Alienator has a touching moment with a doe. Aw.

Then the final boss battle. Guns, crossbow bolts, and the anti-personnel mine don’t even scratch her tin can brassiere. What does bring her down is a net made of chicken wire. It short circuits her circuits which drains her power. How? See the first roadside attraction for the movie’s explanation.

At this point the movie knows it’s got nothing to loose, ‘cos it had nothing to begin with, so it pulls a M. Night Salamidingdong twist. Kol’s never made himself worthy of all of the trouble Ranger Ward and the Scooby-Doo crew are going through for him. Now that the Alienator’s dead, he uses is heretofore secret psi powers. He heals Rick who was almost choked to death. He then Force chokes Rick into submission. He Jedi Mind Tricks Rick into following him into the woods where finally he takes over Rick’s form.

HUH?

You mean all this time Kol had these powers and only now he’s using them. AFTER he’s been saved. And this is the “good guy” who’s leading the rebellion against the Great Tyrant Baal? But like all those purple nurples  you received by bullies in high school gym, the twisting isn’t over.

Alienator isn’t dead, but you knew that was coming. Rick (i.e. Kol) starts acting like a bigger jerk than usual, almost raping Tara in front of everyone. Another fight ensues, but it’s nerd boy Bennie who steps up. Ranger Ward initially stopped the assault but got shot for his trouble. While everyone, Colonel included, looks on at the one-sided fight between Rick (i.e. Kol) and Bennie, Alienator comes in from behind and cuts off Rick (i.e. Kol’s) head. The head turns back into Kol’s and he promptly vomits out Space Milk Blood™.

Alienator checks to make sure he was her target, the ONLY time she checks, and when satisfied calls in that the job’s done. Then, after almost being killed by these people, she tosses Ranger Ward a bag of loose gems (which she was hiding where exactly?) and bugs off like nothing happened. Oh, and she left her gun, too. Was that ‘Roid Ragin’ Space Terminator™ gratitude, or was her encounter with Bambi, while digging a punji stick out of her foot, the tender moment which warmed her icy, mechanical heart?

Does it matter?

No, it doesn’t matter because the movie still isn’t over. Back on Space Prison Planet there’s a final twist. It turns out that the Delegate General, who was at Space Prison Planet only as an observer to the execution, wasn’t who he said he was. He was, in fact—Kol’s father.

OH LORDY!

A light sword through the gut care of Commander Airwolf and all is wrapped up in a tangled mess.

roadside attractions

  • Be Amazed by gibberish explanations like, “The net’s created a perpendicular magnetic pole. It’s syphoning off her electrons in alignment with the Earth’s axis.”
  • Hear Alienator’s gun make light saber sounds & the light saber make laser blast noises.
  • Wonder how the light saber and sound effects got past Lucas.
  • Marvel at how 17 minutes into the movie they ran out of money for space special effects, causing the remainder of the film to be shot in some state camp ground.
  • Read all the credits for all the three named actors who took up the extra letters which left Teagan Clive to be billed only as Teagan.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

There’s not a lot of blood, but there is yellow goo and Space Milk™.

0

blood

BREASTS

It tries to give us a little something, something in the Commander’s assistant’s top, but a cut out showing her bra is weak. Fail.

10

beast

BEASTS

I’m not quite sure who the bad guy was in the movie, so I’m giving the movie a ten because it had so MANY possibilities.

5 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Alienator”

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Nov

posted by Doktor | November 15, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Cyclone

Tagline: The Ultimate Team Of Woman And Machine.

Year: 1987 Runtime: 89 min

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Paul Garson (screenplay) & T.L. Lankford (additional material)

Starring: Heather Thomas, Jeffrey Combs, Ashley Ferrare

What does Airwolf, Blue Thunder, KITT, Ecto-One, Firefox, Streethawk, and the Highwayman semi’s  have in common? They are all over-the-top 80’s vehicles that graced our screens (big or small). As a little boy my heart skipped a beat when we saw them. All I ever wanted—EVAR—was to be the coolest person ever and own one. Having a cool ride was one thing, and I had my eye on a few of those too, but having a super military vehicle was the bee’s patellas!

As you can tell from that last sentence there was never any hope for me, regardless of what I rode around in.

Cyclone is another, less well known, motorcycle belonging to that illustrious bunch of mean machines. With a price tag of $5 million, Cyclone is 5/6th of a Steve Austin. Yet, because it was designed by Dr. Herbert West, I mean Dr. Jeffery Combs… erhm, no, I… Dr. Rick Davenport. Yeah, that’s it. Because it was designed by Dr. Rick Davenport it’s 6/5th a Steve Austin, and a bag of chips! Here’s a quick breakdown of Cyclone’s assets:

  • twin laser gun helmet with H.U.D.
  • turbo charged with nos injection (putting out 400+ hp)
  • armor plating
  • stealth paint that’s been “jazzed up”
  • fire power equal to an F-16
  • powered by The Transformer

The most important development is The Transformer. A dry erase board eraser fuel cell. Sucks hydrogen out of the atmosphere and converts it into “energy.” Neato!

Thing is, Davenport is a bit of an eccentric. He agreed to design and build Cyclone, but he had to do so in secret. The closer Davenport got to finishing the bike the more he was worried that he couldn’t trust “The Agency.” And he was right. The very night he finishes Cyclone he goes out dancing at the hot metal club with his girl and gets an icepick in the back of his head for his troubles.

He didn’t deserve such a fate for designing Cyclone, but he was asking for a beat down by getting on the dance floor. First off, one doesn’t “dance” to metal, one headbangs, or moshes, or in a pinch knifes whomever happens to be standing in the general area.  Everyone there was awkwardly metal dancing, think Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-air, so when in Rome, right? It was so offensive my eyes bled, but then came the insult. He exclaims gayly, “All right!” and “Yeah!” as he is Rick Ashleying. For that, the ice pick was poetic justice.

When Davenport dies “The Agency” sends some of it’s operatives to get Cyclone from his girlfriend, Teri Marshall, i.e. The Fall Guy’s Jody Banks. For no reason she’s skeptical of the agents and feigns ignorance of Davenport’s activities. When she goes back home she heads straight for the secret lab where she trips a hidden message from Davenport. He tells her if she’s hearing this message something bad’s happened and blah, blah, blah. He gives her a complete rundown on Cyclone, including who she can deliver it to if she should accept the mission. She decides she’ll honor his memory and make sure Cyclone gets to the right people, or whatever.

One quick note: It was her handprint which set off the message. Thing is, the only thing she touched was his drafting table. That means the whole thing was a big touch sensor. Considering this was the late 80’s I think someone might have skimmed a good chunk of that $5 million for the drafting table. Who knows what other goodies he had in there.

Speaking of, Davenport’s lab is the least obfuscated in the history of secret labs. It’s hidden behind the fire place in his living room, which isn’t a bad idea in and of itself. It’s the implementation where things fall apart. With the molding around the door, and the decorative molding on the walls, the sliding fire place had to stick out noticeably. And that’s turning a blind eye to the fireplace itself which was only about a foot deep. A neon sign reading “Secret Lab Back Here” would be as inconspicuous.

Then the movie introduces the bad guys. To say they are a bunch of Key Stone Mongoloids would be giving them undue intelligence points. For such an important weapon, and more important fuel source, “The Agency” sends two idiots to stake out the house. They promptly fall asleep. Yep. Out cold. They are awakened when Cyclone takes off out back. They go right back to sleep.

And that’s not the worst of it.

To fully appreciate this enematic experience, I have to back up a bit. What booger eater would give $5 million to some schmuck and not know where he was working, how it was going, or anything for that matter? This is $5 million in 80’s dollars. That’s like $200 trillion now. Secondly, no one thought that MAYBE his secret lab was in his house since he NEVER leaves to go to work? Furthermore, no one is sent out to check until AFTER Davenport is dead? There were plenty of opportunities to drop by. And yet when they do go in they completely miss the obvious hidden passageway to the lab? I have a hemorrhoid that’s smarter than these morons. Anyone this stupid deserves to loose their money and get a swift kick in the ding-ding.

And there’s more.

When the cretins finally discover the lab, and more importantly the missing Cyclone, the main bad guy and his partner give chase. What do they bring to catch a super turbo-charged, 400 horsepower motorcycle? An Oldsmobile station wagon. Sigh. Thing is, the Oldsmobile station wagon actually kept up with Cyclone. I was so angry at this point that I broke my TV trying to pick a fight with the movie.

“The Ultimate Team Of Woman And Machine,” huh? If that’s the case, Cyclone is a technological failure worse than healthcare.gov. (Or that pathetic attempt at political satire.)

To save what little color I have left in my hair I’ll cut to the penultimate atrocity and be done with it. After being caught, escaping, and a fantastic final fight scene where Teri gets to use Cyclone’s cool weapons, Teri just walks away. There are dead people, cars are on fire, and the police are casually looking around at the carnage. No one stops her, asks her questions, nothing. She just walks away. As she left she pocketed The Transformer. Remember, The Transformer is the solution to the world’s fuel needs. It can convert hydrogen in the atmosphere into “energy.” What does Teri do with it? She throws it in a pool of dirty water in the gutter, destroying it.

Good jorb, Teri. Way to honor Davenport. He’s in his own special Hell, and is suffering is legendary.

roadside attractions

  • Marvel at Cyclone, a motorcycle so advanced Davenport has to wear rubber surgical gloves to work on it!
  • Freak Out by how cool the Cyclone sounds—a jet engine played through a flanger!
  • Envy the Cyclone’s ultimate piece of super military tech: a knife with brass knuckles!
  • Be Moved the Rent-a-Center In the Air Tonight song, Riding on the Edge of Night!
  • Throw Up your devil horns \m/ and bang your head to Devil Metal! (You don’t have to wait, check out the video below.)
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

There’s enough blood to warrant a bucket and mop, and some of it in inexplicable places.

2

blood

BREASTS

Only breasts in the movie are in the background in the gym locker room scene.

5

beast

BEASTS

No beasts, but this kind of movie is all about the cool vehicle, and Cyclone is no Streethawk.

4.666 OVERALL
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Bang Your Head! Bang Your Head! Bang Your Head!(Devil Metal):

trailers

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Nov

posted by admin | November 9, 2013 | Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, New Releases, Reviews by the Goon, screeners

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Deadly Prey
2013 – Not Rated – David A. Prior

Is it ever too late for a sequel? Robert Rodriguez is finally making Sin City 2 after a decade and it seems like the interest just isn’t there from the masses, which is one reason why sequels are usually made within three years. But that never seems to be the case with the Cult and B-Movie genre. You can make a sequel many years later and we would all wet our pants to watch our favorite cast climb casually back into their old roles. I guarantee you if another Evil Dead were actually ever made, EVERYONE would be eager to see it, even if it was Ash taking a crap for ninety minutes.

There is also some concern from an audience when viewing a sequel that took a long period to be released. Films like this have often suffer from production and financing issues or the filmmakers themselves get caught up in trying to make it “hip and cool” for the new generation, attempting to speak to youth by loading up on unnecessary CGI effects and tossing around some of that youngster lingo, but it comes across as your guidance counselor trying to “rap” with you. Does Deadliest Prey fall, urm… prey to this trap? Since this is a review, odds are we are going to find out.

dp_2Nearly thirty years after the events of Deadly Prey, Hogan is released from incarceration and immediately is picked up by his hot minx, Sophia. I have no idea how these two met seeing as she was most likely born when he went to prison. Hogan immediately declares revenge on the man who was responsible for his jailing, Mike Danton. Hogan puts forth his plan, but what has our hero Danton been doing all these years? He’s been raising a family, mowing the lawn… you know, regular action hero stuff. But when he sets out on his most dangerous mission, taking out the garbage, he is kidnapped and wakes to find himself in a familiar situation. He’s stranded alone and weaponless in some unknown woods… and he hasn’t even had breakfast. I do have to give credit where credit is due; Ted Prior is pretty cut and looks pretty buff, even in pajama pants.

Once again, it’s a game of survival, much like Hard Target for those of you who may be unfamiliar. What’s different this time around is that Hogan is broadcasting the carnage filled extravaganza all over that new interwebs thing, being funded by ‘Internet Company’. Okay, so technically it’s not a new idea. Plenty of other films have done it or something similar. Hell, when the Halloween series did something similar years ago. It felt tired then, but given all the advancements in technology and the way we utilize the internet and social networking, maybe there is a fresh new spin on this? Eh, no. The idea is merely touched, mostly feeling like a vehicle to bring the film into the new century to make it ‘updated’.

However, this isn’t the point of the film. We’re getting to that as soldiers rush out at Danton, who straight up murders all the thugs without remorse. Not even the whimpering soldier who surrenders and only took the job because he needed the money. Danton doesn’t even flinch at extinguishing his existence and coldly saying, “You should’ve filed for unemployment.” Don’t worry, there are plenty more terrible, macho catch phrases.

dp_3Time to pause on the action and focus on another thing you’ve seen plenty of times before, Hackers! Hackers that mash the keyboard, call each other “bro” and hang out with a nerdy, but really cute chick that they try to give a catch phrase to. Throughout this scene, she keeps saying “True dat!” Like they had thousands of “True dat!” shirts printed and they needed to sell them, so they figured they could make it a household catch phrase again. These “hackers” stumble across the live stream of Hogan’s little game and recognize Danton from stories they’ve heard. Using their magical computer wizardry skills, they bypass all security nodes, access the modules, hack into the mainframe, triangulate the coordinates (you know, hacker stuff!) and find Danton’s approximate position, they set out on a road trip to save him. I’ll let that sink in.

Then in true 80’s action movie fashion, Hogan hires Lt. Thornton’s (from Deadly Prey) twin bother… Thornton! He’s even more buff than his brother, as he demonstrates by killing a merc with a single punch to the face. The way this dude presents himself with dark aviators, a sleeveless vest and leather gloves, you definitely buy it. Hogan and Thornton decide to let Danton have a little more fun, as he dispatches of more mercs, complete with one-liners so cheesy even Arnold would be embarrassed. In fact, let me show you the formula of dialogue between Danton and the mercs:

Bad Guy – “Dimwitted, but somewhat clever threat.”
Danton – “Witty retort.”
Bad Guy- “Snarky comeback!”
Danton kills bad guys.
Danton – “Macho catchphrase.”

dp_4And just about every conversation is composed like this. But it’s not like we’re reading Shakespeare here… or whatever that saying is. So where were we? Oh yeah, those hackers literally run into Dalton with their hatchback, escaping with him as the cute girl keeps saying, “Hi” to him, like it’s her other catch phrase. So they have an over abundance of “Hi” and “True dat!” shirts. Thornton finds them and pops a couple shots at them. They react and talk like a bullet just missed them, yet there are no bullet holes anywhere on the car or windshield (or maybe Thornton isn’t as good of a shot as he thought). Geez, so much inconsistency and error with this film, I don’t know if I can trust it!* Either way, once a bunch of dweebs rescue you in a hatchback, you sort of lose all credibility as a tough guy.**

*Editor’s note: I’m totally kidding.
**Editor’s note: Still kidding… please don’t hurt me.

The hackers take Danton home to find Sophia, who tells him his family has been kidnapped. Danton responds with a strong, but controlled pimp slap and then put several bullets in to her brains. Now he is freed up to unlock his tool shed of mass destruction and gear up with quick zooms and sound effects! Although I am a little concerned that this entire time his tool shed was only secured by a cheap padlock. Enough lessons on safety, it’s time to pose for the movie poster and it is glorious! It’s the body count part of the movie as Danton mows down scumbag after scumbag, trapping them in time-consuming-that-he-wouldn’t-have-really-had-time-for and mostly improbable traps, barely ever getting a scratch on him until he reaches Hogan or dies trying!

Even though I gave this movie a hard time, I thoroughly enjoyed it! I wouldn’t say it was as good as Deadly Prey and giving the time that has passed and the tight budget they had, Deadliest Prey is a worthy sequel, if not for the cheesy one-liners alone. However, it’s not to say it doesn’t have its faults either. Like I stated in the review, you’ve seen this plot done a million times before and it’s still just as stale as it ever was. Also since they are using the same exposition as the first film (even the same villains and hero) it feels like nothing new is being brought to the table. The hacker characters only seem to serve the purpose of getting Danton to his home so he can load up and kick some butt and at times, the audio seems to be balanced unevenly.

Deadly Prey
What I do find interesting about how I feel about this movie is throughout the film, there is the presence of a ‘home movie’ feel to it. Whether it be the look of the film or the overall tone, but this could have worked in the 80’s as shot on video. But where this movie really shines, is the nostalgia for over the top 80’s action films it gives you. The violence varies from stiff choreographed martial arts, but gunshots as well. Whether it’s to the body or the head, people will take dozens of shots to that specific area. Modern technology aside, Deadly Prey feels like it was made in the 80’s shortly after the original. It may not go down with cult status like the first film, but it’s still a riot. It makes Demolition Man look like Judge Dredd. It makes Phantom Raiders look like… well, Phantom Raiders. I would definitely check this out for an explosive good time!

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Action Family Man.
  • Internet revenge.
  • Ridiculous one-liners.
  • Black gloves, black shades.
  • Hacker babe.
  • Loading up on weapons montage!
  • Give the man a hand… or an arm!
  • You’re only ‘half’ the man you used to be.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Hundreds of bullet wounds, a severed arm and a man cut in half. All in a days work.

2

blood

BREASTS

Sophia shows off her cleavage, as well as Thornton.

6

beast

BEASTS

Hogan is an angry man filled with revenge and Thornton is silent, but deadly.

5 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer of “Deadliest Prey!”

trailers

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>