Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category

Nov

Comments Off on The Shallows

petting-zooWelcome back to another review, folks! Don’t you love when a movie has an A class budget, A class team, A class writing, and even A class expectations, but plummets to B status like the suspension of disbelief for certain actors’ toupees? I do! Bad news for them, good news for the B community. So let’s dive in to a newer movie filled with surf, sun, sand, and sharks! “The Shallows” beckons us!

We open with generic blonde actress number 3,349 taking the third-world version of Uber to a beach, whose name stays hidden the entire film. The name is of absolutely ZERO consequence, but I just wanna know! Good mighty mutton, is that annoying, namely because they run the gag several times during the movie. After conversing in very bad Spanish and very, very cliched dialogue possibly setting up her driver as a possible antagonist, we finally see the unnamed beach. Normally I would complain about suspicious truck guy as the bad guy later on, but we all know it’s a shark! It’s like trying to shift the focus of Halloween, setting up the doctor while Michael Myers plays in the background until the last third of the movie. It doesn’t work well there, it doesn’t work well here.

hamBlondie meets two new guys, who also happen to be surfing on this very secret, unnamed beach. Again, trivial as sugar on sand, but it sticks in my sandwich. They surf together, they laugh together, they……pack up and leave. Wait! They’re driving by her stuff! Could they also stoop to the stereotype we think they’re going to and…No. No, they’re not. Well, thank Thor for that. As they take off, following the most common sense rules of surfing, she stays behind and vehemently breaks said rules. I’m not even a surfer, but I know the rules! You don’t sleep on Elm Street, you never go in the woods, you don’t stay in Amityville, you never go in the woods, you don’t surf at dusk, and you never go in the woods. Oh, look, something floating in the distance, past the breakers, and the conspicuously placed buoy. Seriously suspicious buoy. It belongs in the line up from The Usual Suspects. So, Blondie decides to keep going, investigating the floating mass out in the ocean, ignoring all the alarm bells going off in her head, all the red flags, and me screaming at the screen.

Also, we have a little bit of back story, just to fill in the time until the inevitable happens. She was a prominent med school student, has a younger sister, a dead mom, and a father who’s played so many bad guys in movies it’s jarring to see him as a loving dad. I mean that! Back to that floating mass! The water turns gross, seagulls cry out, and that thing is a whale carcass. Now, for those who don’t spend an uncanny amount of time researching sharks, due to an almost crippling fear of sharks, they absolutely love dead whale leftovers. After she finally comes to her senses and tries to ride a wave back to the shore, the sun is already bidding farewell to the- HOLY MOTHER OF MURGATROID! A shark just decided Blondie needed to take up parasailing. Bruce Junior decides to take a taste of our surfer, turning the sea red, and also finally moving the plot forward. Now surfer girl has to use aforementioned floating mass as a refuge from the hungry shark.cramp

Now, some things in movies are hard to believe, thus requiring us to surrender a certain amount of ‘That ain’t real’ to the film. Lately it’s been CGI clogging up the pipeline of creativity, but there are others that are just as guilty. This movie does an incredible job of making the entire thing feel real, from the sea, to the whale, to even the shark, who will be known as Wayne, henceforth. If you get the joke, you’re a nerd. Good for you. Blondie and Wayne play hide the surfer atop the corpse of Free Willy, finally ending in her having to jump and swim for it, stranding her on some nearby coral with a companion that was also injured by Wayne: a seagull, which she lovingly names Steven Seagull. Yes, I chuckled. Here is where the rest of the movie plays out, for the most part. We learn more about her backstory, and spend some time with Steven, and a GoPro, while setting up more desperate situations, building the tension. Hey, look! Our surfer buddies are back!

You know what that means! Trailer fodder! She warns there’s a shark, and, they, of course, don’t believe her. They have a very sudden look of concern, start swimming out to her, and suddenly find out that sharks really do breach like on TV. Surfer guy number two books it, but falls victim to the same fate: Fish food. After they’re dead, night falls and another guy happens to find this very hidden, unnamed beach. Yes, I’m still fuming. Only, he finds it while black out drunk. She calls to him, trying to get help. He wakes up, drops his tequila, and then plays that stereotype we were talking about earlier, but then promptly gets munched by Wayne. Here is where we move into the final play of the movie, and my wrap up.

buoy

Folks, this movie was great! I thought it was a great addition to the classic shark movies. It had its faults, like breaking rules someone who doesn’t spend five minutes on a beach annually, common sense being left in a non-waterproof bag, and the most CGI dolphins I’ve ever seen outside of a SyFy production. It grinds a while, making us wait for the action, rather than building a sense of dread. However, once it gets going, it is full steam ahead, only pausing a few times. There are most definitely moments where you will either guffaw, or have to just throw up your hands, but in the end, I’d happily recommend “The Shallows” for viewing. Thanks for reading, and Stay Tuned!

 

roadside attractions

  • He looks creepy.
  • No named beach is perfectly safe.
  • Seriously creepy guy.
  • Oh, other surfer guys!
  • Why are they creepy, too!?!?
  • Don’t do that.
  • WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?
  • Surprising shark is surprising.
  • Sharks do not come with brakes.
totals

6

blood  

BLOOD

Medically accurate blood, really cool effects.

4

blood  

BREASTS

They’re bikini’d the whole time, but it doesn’t matter.

 

10

beast  

BEASTS

Best shark in a long time.

7.50 OVERALL
dripper
Sep

posted by admin | September 14, 2016 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Feature

Comments Off on Great movie shirts for your consideration from Found Item Clothing.

Rather than do anything meaningful or important like shipping out customer orders or assisting on the phones or polishing up the latest shirt design, we thought we’d talk about our favorite tshirts from our favorite movies instead. It’s kind of surprising anything gets done around here, honestly. All of us at the office are cult film fans, and the allure to simply start talking about that one scene in your favorite film is a strong one.

So we gave in, in to that siren song of procrastination. Rather than work, we had an office powwow and picked our favorite cult film shirts. There are not a lot of us here at Found Item Clothing, so this wonít be an all-inclusive list, but maybe we can find a common thread and bring peace and prosperity to the galaxy.

Sara: Welcome to Tatooine (Star Wars)

Sara enjoys shopping for power converters at Tosche Station, long walks on sand dunes, and shooting wamp rats for sport. She advises that when visiting Tatooni, “it is really important to wear breathable cotton fabrics”. Her sentiments are apropos given this is her favorite shirt.

Karl: I Heart Toxic Waste (Real Genius)

Karl can often be found laughing maniacally while rearranging merchandise. It matters not to him if anyone can find anything. When he’s not hatching diabolical plans, he says he thinks about his favorite shirt and how “it is a timeless message, almost a philosophy.” That and it was our first shirt ever sold.

John: College (Animal House)

John has Terminator-level relentlessness when it comes to sitting at his workstation, the only weakness being cupcakes (chocolate please). Channeling his inner-Bluto, John states that the College sweatshirt is something that, “most everyone can relate to, even though they may not know the movie it’s taken from.”

Adam: Fu Manchu (Big Trouble in Little China)

Adam brings a Zen-like calm to the office, coalescing everyone’s efforts into a meaningful outcome. It’s these ancient mystical powers that draw him to the Fu Manchu tank top.

Trevor: This is my Boomstick (Army of Darkness)

Trevor can usually be found looking for any excuse to watch YouTube while on the clock. Besides having laziness that rivals Ed from Shaun of the Dead, his taste in movies is legendary in his own mind. And his favorite of all time is Army of Darkness: “It’s a movie about one manís epic struggle to Deadite the wrongs in his life.”

Jul

Comments Off on Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

grounding

Welcome to another review, folks! Now, it’s no secret I have a soft spot for remakes, but that doesn’t mean I won’t judge them accordingly. Plus, I feel for the filmmakers trying to walk the tightrope and balance doing too much to change the story, or not enough. Also, no matter how good a remake, or reboot, is, it will get a fair amount of negativity; such as the incredibly done Evil Dead remake. The movie we’re talking about today is a remake of the first horror movie I ever saw, as a kid. Let’s just say my babysitter, at the time, thought it’d make a great bedtime story. Let’s get to Nightmare On Elm Street.

The film opens up in a diner with a teen, who looks more like he’s in his late 20’s, sitting alone, chugging coffee. Someone should’ve told him caffeine only takes you so far, after that stop you’re gonna need a taser. The waitress bypasses him, holding his sweet nectar of consciousness, and he follows, giving us our first look at the new Freddy Kruger. Well, it’s more like a glimpse through really dirty glasses. The guy wakes up, nursing his newly cut hand, and talking to a friend, who’s purpose for being there was already forgotten. The coffee spills, and he knocks out, again, finding himself fighting the dream. We cut back to reality, he’s asleep, and in serious danger of getting a hickey from a steak knife. With confirmation that this is the thing Kruger needs we watch as the teen cuts his own neck, starting the movie off with a great bit of gore, and a good introduction to a favorite movie monster of many.

mathWe attend the dead teen’s funeral, and, per usual get into some long exposition about….wait…is that another dream sequence? By Krom, it is! The movie is not letting up on the Freddy, at all, they’re laying it on thick, and I’m loving it. The next day the blonde girl is in school, thinking about the mysterious man with the clawed hand, only to fall asleep, again! Has she not figured out this is where she’s vulnerable? This girls seems to be the type to stick the fork in the socket twice, just to make sure it worked. Freddy scares her, she screams, and WHAT a scream, she wakes up, and we move on. Her boyfriend comes over, and pays homage to Wes Craven, via Scream reference, and tries to help her, in a way that I never figured out. Him being there is pretty pointless, except, maybe, to set up a patsy, and witness the horror that comes for them in their sleep. Called it! Blonde is ripped to shreds, gives the room, and her boyfriend, a new coat of red paint, and he’s arrested wearing her like a shine job.

Now, this is where I’d start talking about the differences in the original versus the remake. So. I’m gonna. Let’s start with the tone of the movie. While the original was made to be a horror movie, it used humor to stymie the darkness. Meanwhile, the remake revels in it. Do I like one more than the other? Yes. I like the darker tone, namely because Kruger, himself, as of later years, and movies, has become more hardy-har-har than horror, and I like this return to form. The filmmakers understood they had to pay homage, while innovating, so we have wonderful shots of distorted reality, gory images, and even classic shots reappearing. Lastly, let’s talk Freddy. Robert Englund was iconic, immortalized in this role, and rightfully so. Jackie Earle Haley, however, is just as remarkable. Englund’s portrayal was over the top, even cartoonish at times, while still being scary. While Haley’s take is a lot darker, adding ticks, subtracting the smile, and it works just as well. Classic Freddy will always have a special place in my heart, but, I want to see more of the new Kruger.

starbucksBack in the movie, boyfriend boy runs to Nancy’s house. Can’t have a Nightmare movie without her! And tries to tell her what’s going on, only to be arrested shortly after. With each progressing dream sequence we start to learn a little more about the demon haunting the kids’ dreams. Boyfriend guy is in jail, now, trying to stay awake, and…wait for it…fails miserably! Freddy toys with him, displaying the filleted friends like gory trophies. After some teasing Kruger turns the guy into a screaming meat puppet, plunging claws first through the chest. I don’t think he’s going to be okay. And this is another point in favor of the remake: The gore is much more visceral, much more real feeling, I think it has to do with taking the darker tone, and leaving the fantastical behind. Nancy calls another friend, who’s being haunted by the same nightmares, and they try to come up with a plan. And this is something new to the Nightmare movies, as well: The science of sleep. It seems micro-naps will get you killed, even if you’re not aware you’re doing it, like answering your phone while pumping gas. Now that Nancy has entered the mix, things ought to go full steam ahead.

The classic bathtub scene rears it’s awesome head, and little Nancy is sent to Krugerville. He tries to jog her memory of him via face lick, but her alarm goes off and thwarts any further reminding. My question is this: Why would you take a relaxing bath when you’re being hunted by a murderer in your dreams?!? I’d be taking an ice cube shower and doing shots of espresso while blasting the most annoying synth pop I could get my hands on! Moving on. Nancy’s mom is acting suspicious, so Nancy goes on a hunt for information. Mom spills the beans that there was a man named Fred Kruger, who worked at the preschool that all the kids who’ve been murdered attended. This is the beginning of that turn into the seriously dark tone, by implying that the children were molested, but Kruger left town before there were any consequences. Nancy doesn’t buy it, but Scruffy McTeenGuy does. Now our heroes are divided, and we have two very interesting paths this movie is taking.

noseNext day at swim class, while in the pool, Scruffy McTeenGuy falls asleep in the pool. That’s right, in the middle of the pool! Good gravy almighty! You could take these kids out with some well placed velcro! In the dream Scruffy learns about what really happened to Kruger, a tale we know, but with a twist: It seems that Freddy might’ve been innocent. While he coughs up six gallons of pool water we join Nancy in watching a video series of another teen, posted online, confirming not only the preschool, but Freddy, himself. Scruffy shows up and they go confront his father, the principal, only to get further confirmation that they had no evidence for what Kruger was accused of, but they burnt him, anyways. Oh, hello, old classic shot of dead girl in body bag. It’s still so creepy, even after all these years. Scruffy goes to get more pills so Nancy and him can continue-JUMPING JUPITER JONES! Thanks for the jump scare, Freddy! She falls asleep, is chased into the pharmacy, and gets sliced. Luckily they’re in a pharmacy. But, she also discovers that Kruger can be brought to the real world by holding on to him when she wakes up. That’s a bull I don’t wanna try to ride, thank you!

192.168.0.1 IP Admin: Get guide on how to configure Wireless Router settings using 192.168.o.l & how to know default IP address of Router. IP address 192.168.0.1 Ip Address is the management ip address of some wireless router,it is the default ip address for all kinds of TP-link,D-Link and Netgear models.

An epinephrine shot later Scruffy finds out that even with chemical help he can’t escape those pesky micro-naps. Two, count ’em, two jump scares later we head into the final scenes of the movie. No spoilers, here folks! So is this movie better than the original? No, it is completely different, telling the same story with a different narrative. Is this Freddy better than the original? Same answer. Should you give this movie a shot? Abso-friggin’-lutely! Without the nostalgia goggles on, and without trying to compare minutes of the past and the new, this movie stands well enough, on it’s own. And I, personally, hope they make more. Thanks for reading, folks! Stay Tuned!

 

roadside attractions

  • Worst Hell’s Kitchen ever.
  • Whatcha doin’ with that knife?
  • Freddy does not like dogs!
  • That’s not washing out!
  • Silent Hill much?
  • When the term “Air Bed” gets too literal.
  • That had to hurt.
  • Don’t drive while sleepy.
  • That had to hurt, too.
totals

10

blood  

BLOOD

Copious, flowing, and awesome

1

blood  

BREASTS

They’re teenagers, and this ain’t the 80’s!

 

10

beast  

BEASTS

It’s Freddy!

8.00 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer for Nightmare On Elm Street

trailers
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Jul

posted by admin | July 16, 2016 | 60's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review, Horror movies

Comments Off on Black Sabbath: A guest review by Paul Counelis

paul

Paul Counelis writes the “Monster Kid Corner” column for Rue Morgue, is the editor of Halloween Machine magazine, sings for the scary band Lords of October and is a member of the Flint Horror Collective, bringing events to sunny Flint, Michigan for years. FACEBOOK and LIKE all that stuff, willya? In his free time

he writes incredible books about scary stuff, does a bi-weekly podcast with his pals (Ghoul Cast), raises 9 kids with his gorgeous (and patient) wife Crystal, and runs a home haunt called Scarriage Town with family and friends (and daughter’s consistent imaginary(?) friend Hallie).
Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 12.24.14 PM

Toward the end of his amazing career, the legend Boris Karloff was so intent on working well into his late seventies that he often accepted roles in films that…well, to put it nicely, just weren’t worthy of his presence. He finished his remarkable career with a few real duds; therefore most Karloff fans just pretend that his last film was 1968’s excellent and challenging Targets, a movie that contrasted the horrors of the great Universal Monsters era with the modern horror of the real world.

But a few years before that, betwixt career reviving turns with Vincent Price in The Raven and The Comedy of Terrors, our buddy Uncle Uncanny found himself in maybe the most unique role he had ever played; a vampire in The Wurdulak segment of the Mario Bava anthology Black Sabbath.

Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 12.24.05 PM

Karloff’s segment (aside from his strange “hosting” turn, complete with Italian overdubs) is really atmospheric, unusual and worth watching all on its own, and the same can be said for another spooky portion of the film, The Telephone, about a…ahem…call girl who receives disturbing, Scream-like, rape-y phone messages from a client of hers who just happens to be imprisoned. I won’t give away the twist… yeah, very Scream indeed.

But it’s the segment titled The Drop of Water that most people who’ve seen this film tend to remember the most…because it’s really freaking creepy.

I watched the film for the first time one night by myself, not really expecting much other than the charms of the era and the pleasure of watching Uncle Boris do his thing. However, The Drop of Water honestly and truly gave me something that I hadn’t gotten from a horror movie in quite a few years: a nightmare.

I felt giddy as I watched the tale unfold, about a nurse who makes the rather unwise decision of stealing the ring from the corpse of a medium (who passed away during a séance) while preparing the body. Why someone would do such a thing, after all the years of hearing the multiple campfire stories that revolve around that particular set of circumstances (“Bloody bones, bloody bones…”) is anyone’s guess. BUT, she did it anyway.

And in the moment when the countess rises from the bed and floats toward her, hovering a couple feet from the ground while she stares deep into her soul from unmoving, sunken eyes…I’m sure the nurse had a quick series of regrets.

I realized that I was laughing giddily during that scene; the kind of laughter that would be referred to as “nervous”. This is something that doesn’t happen to a hardened, desensitized horror fan very often. In fact, the most recent time it happened to me before watching Black Sabbath was during an ill-advised late night screening of The Exorcist III, another film that I wrongly anticipated watching easily by myself. Most people who have seen Exorcist III can probably guess at the scene in which I nearly fell off of the couch. But anyway…

Black Sabbath is one of those kinda sorta “under the radar” type classics, full of Bava’s best directorial tricks and plenty of mood and atmosphere. It’s also home to one REALLY freaky lookin’ living dead girl, and remains one of the top movies in the latter stage of the outstanding film career of our dear, old Uncle Karloff.

 

roadside attractions

  • Multi-colored rotary dial phone, NWO Wolfpack style
  • Nude bronze Cupid statue
  • Stonehenge like relics in an open field
  • Brooding but cabin-like castle
  • Boris Karloff’s afro
totals

7

blood  

BLOOD

– Some extremely questionable paint-like substance under the jagged end of a dagger

– A suspiciously rubbery head that Karloff gleefully pulls from a bag and hangs outside

– Oddly realistic small splatters on neck bite marks

– Seeping through white shirts after off-screen violence

2

blood  

BREASTS

Surprisingly few for a film with a segment about a call girl. NONE in the Drop of

Water story. Thankfully. THANKFULLY.

 

8

beast  

BEASTS

– Spotted horses galore

– Freaky ass zombie girl

– Incessantly howling wolf

– Wurdulak…er, corpse that wants blood…er, VAMPIRE

– Disturbing child Halfling who says “Momma” outside the window with a reverb-y voice


7.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Black Sabbath”

 

 

trailers

dripper
May

posted by admin | May 19, 2016 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies

Comments Off on Top 5 horror movie inspired games

5. Dead Rising – Inspired by Dawn of the Dead
What would be the perfect place to hold up during the zombie Apocalypse? A mall of course. Dead Rising takes it cues from Dawn of the Dead with this icon location. But it doesn’t just leave our hero to wander around in the food court looking for canned olives It gives him the ability to make weapons out of pretty much anything. Ever wanted to run over zombies with a lawnmower? You’ll get your chance.

4. The Thing – Thing
A little known game based on the legendary horror film by John Carpenter. It picks up in the middle of the movie as you discover people in your team aren’t what they appear to be. What lurks under the skin can be as scary as any alien monster. Be sure to bring your flame through.

3. Resident Evil – Night of the Living Dead
Resident Evil was one of the first horror survival games that gained critical and financial success and it’s easy to see why. It has one of the creepiest house of horror games ever including playing in Horror House slot game online only with zombies. Like in George Romero’s classic you have to contend with shambling slow zombies but that’s only the tip of the death berg. You’ll also encounter giant spiders, insect swarms and zombie dogs that run at you at full speed. Where’s the doggie snacks when you need them.

resident

2. Friday the 13th – Friday the 13th Part 3

Originally on the Super Nintendo game. This game places you in the role of a camp counselor at Crystal Lake as you have to fight through the night against Jason and his legion of mutants. Ok so it’s not exactly accurate to the movie and has some hilarious game play but you do get to chuck broken bottles at the legend in the hockey mask. Who hasn’t wanted to try that?

friday

  1. Alien Isolation – Alien (1978)
    Probably one of the creepiest games on this list. It puts you in the role of a crew member battling the original Alien from the 1978 classic. Use whatever you can as a weapon and watch out for the air ducts. This creature knows how to fit into small spaces.

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