There isn’t a word to describe how totally AWE-some this movie is. That’s mostly ‘cos this movie isn’t all that awesome. The instant I saw Jeremy “One Life to Live” Slate was crossing over into horror I decided to use my time more wisely, I began to search my dog for that louse that had been evading me for months. He was an onery cuss, the louse, and when I found him he put up a good fight. In the end, I got him.

That is a far more entertaining story, so I will now return to my disgustion of The Dead Pit.

This is your typical 1980’s horror set in a mental asylum flick. The plot goes something like this, there’s a crazy psychologist who is killing his patients ‘cos… it’s fun? A colleague catches him in the act and is forced to kill him. Rather than go to the police, the good doctor boards up (i.e. drives a couple nails and fills the gap with spackle) the secret basement pit and all  the dead patients therein and promptly forgets about the whole mess. Twenty years pass and there’s an earthquake which opens the “sealed” basement, releasing the zombie psychologist. There’s not much more by way of explanation, and that’s a good thing, ‘cos as the Jolly Green Mongoloid would have called it, “Ho, Ho, Ho, UMH-tarded!”

The Mad Psychologist is so mad, that when he returns from the dead, he wears rubber gloves. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to do. He’s dead, or undead, so he doesn’t have to worry about any germs. The people he’s treating are soon going to be dead, so no need to protect them…

It makes my head hurt, so I’m going to move on.

Our hero, Jane Doe, has had her memory taken, surgically. She was found wandering around, unawares of who she was. The court sentenced her to a stay at the mental hospital for “therapy” until such time as her memory returned. After much convoluted plot twists, we discover that her memoryectomy was performed when she was a small child. Not only that, but it was performed by the Mad Psychologist, who, remember, was killed twenty years earlier.

Which means she’s been wandering around for 20 something years as an amnesiac…

I think I can actually feel a tumor forming.

There is one attribute, one saving grace, which our heroine possesses, breasts. More importantly, she has the exhibitionistic dignity required to present them for our viewing pleasure. It’s not cheaply thrown in there. Rather, I find how Brett Leonard, the writer/director, slipped them into the story to be dignified. Jane is tied up in a basement. She is wearing a half wife-beater and panties, both cotton, both white.  A cackling nurse isn’t so much spraying Jane’s face and chest as she’s BLASTING them. So much so, in fact, Jane’s half shirt rips right off.

Ah, subtly, thy name is Brett Leonard.

So, in the end, the Mad Psychologist’s pit of dead patients comes back to life to, uhm, do something. It’s not to kill Jane, ‘cos Mad Psychologist has her captured and tied down next to the pit when they rise, and they pass right by her. I ‘spose it’s ‘cos he’s her [spoiler] father. What they do is  get out and wander around a bit, disabling all the vehicles in the parking lot. They then take after the staff. They kill the two police guards, who, in all honesty, deserve worse. If you fail to see the group of about twenty shuffling zombie patients coming at you across a wide open area, moaning and carrying on, you need to be removed from the gene pool. They go on to kill a couple orderlies, a nurse or two and all the patients.

Not wanting to get arrested for loitering, they set their sites on Jane and her convenient friend the Demolitions Man. Demo Man whips up a bomb to weaken the truss on the water tower, which has been “blessed” by the other convenient character, Nun Nutter. Nuns can’t bless things, much less would they do so by just repeating “in nomine patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti” (in the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit), but I digress. The game plan is such: when the tower topples the  blessed water will pour down into the cellar and consecrate the unholy ground of the pit, thus turning the zombies into pudding.

When it comes down to it, Demo Man was caught without his Hero’s Death Exemption card and therefore has to go down the with water tower. While he’s blowing himself up, Jane faces off with her daddy, Mad Psychologist, one last time.

Naturally, when Mad Psychologist melts we get a shot of Jane kneeling down, eyes closed. The camera slowly pans into her face and… all together now… her eyes are glowing red, just like his did. Thankfully, it’s over, and to the best of my knowledge there was no sequel.

Zombies (whose make-up looked like mime paint) Zombie pudding (what zombies become when sprinkle with holy water) Miniature of hospital and water tower (for flooding scene) Rent-a-center version of Sean Connery (Demolitions Man) Hypnosis Pseudo-psychology	6 BLOOD couple gallons 7 BREASTS Two. Displayed in a show fit for any teenage boy’s wet dream. 7 BEASTS Mad Psychologist, zombies, lunatics. 6.5 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “The Dead Pit”

This t-shirt from fright rags is actually scarier than the whole movie.

Back in the 70’s and early 80’s there was a rash of machines gone wild movies. There was a demon Lincoln in “The Car”, a stalking semi-truck in “Duel” and some radioactive big rigs in “Maximum Overdrive.” One movie often over looked though was “Killdozer.” This 1974 made for TV movie revolved around the idea that construction equipment while incredibly loud and slow can also be an effective stalking killing machine.  In reality it’s about as effective as an overweight ninja…..if that Ninja is flatulent….and you’re an inanimate object like a potted plant.

A group of construction workers are clearing land on an island making room for what must be dozens of  strip malls when a meteorite suddenly strikes their work site. Thankfully, 70’s star Robert Urich is there to save the day and tries to bulldoze over the big hunk of pulsating space rock. The meteorite goes mini super nova and transfers it’s glow into the bulldozer leaving a fondue faced Robert Urich to die an agonizing made for TV death. Back at the workers camp, Clint Howard is our reluctant baritoned hero. He’s a construction foreman with a drinking problem (shocking I know). After the accident he begins to suspect the strange humming bulldozer might have some homicidal tendencies but feels better to just keep it a secret. He’s not too surprised when it trashes their camp the next day and turns one of his men into a human burrito stuffed in a drainage pipe. The rest of the men flee (walk briskly) to slightly higher ground since the bulldozer’s greatest weakness is slight inclines and can only travel about 8mph. These guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed though and devise increasingly dumb ways to combat the malevolent machine including starting a fire that it bulldozes right over or trying to drive a truck full of explosives into it. After a failed  game of chicken with their army jeep the two survivors decide to battle Killdozer with a digger crane in what can only amount to the lamest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever. Couldn’t they just wait for the thing to run out of gas? A riding lawnmower is scarier than this movie. Let’s check out the Roadside Attractions: Deep fried Urich, Jeep wrangling, Rock-slide Fu, Glow rocks, Drain tube crushing, Electroshock oil change, Bulldozer hit and run..er..I mean mozy along. Retroman says check it out…but if a homicidal bulldozer is ever barreling down on you at tops speeds, be sure to step aside…after a while…ya know when you feel like it. Take your time though, there’s no rush.

You can watch the entire movie on YouTube. Shockingly, nobody has threatened to take it down. They probably figured nobody’s watching it except for the Urich family. Part 1 is below and the rest are available on that Youtube site all the cool kids are talking about.

Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Donna Bleed (www.twitter.com/DonnaBleed) brings you another great b-movie review.

Since I wasn’t run off with flaming torches and pitchforks, I decided to give you guys another one.  One of my very favorite bits of cheese; parents hate ‘em, the kids adore ‘em, they’re a hit at slumber parties…have you guessed it?

That’s right, it’s Witchboard!

It’s totally the 80’s, ladies and gentlemen, that is fer sure!  There is a lot of neon and spiky hair at Linda (Tawny Kitaen) and Jim’s (Todd Allen) party; They’re celebrating…something; what it is isn’t really ever made clear, or I missed it because I’m on a lot of sinus medication.  What is clear is that there are a lot of Pepsi products, a lot of Jack Daniels, and a lot of macho posturing over Linda between Brandon (Stephen Nichols) and Jim.  This entire first scene could have had the dialogue replaced with grunts and club waving and the point still would have come across.  Rich boy lost girl to poor boy, and Rich Boy is trying to convince her he’s better.  With a Ouija board.  Yeah, I know, you’d think it’d be a little sexy, what with the board sitting on their knees and them having to get close, but his pinky ring and her firey mane gets in the way.  I’m serious; it looks like Tawny had been attacked by the Blob, only it didn’t eat her, it just chose to perch on her head forever.  I know this was in the Whitesnake “Here I Go Again” heyday, but come on, this is a ridiculous amount of hair.

Basically what little party footage we have is a lengthy pseudo-intellectual yuppie-type party discussion on religion and spirituality (Don’t you love those kind of parties!), culminating with Brandon saying he’s essentially an athiest, but he likes to talk to the spirits of the dead through the Ouija.  Let me pause here by saying that you come across as a huge dick, when you correct people when they say “Wee-Gee” instead of the proper “Wee-Jah,” then go into the history of it being the French and German Words for ‘Yes’ and then giving the pronunciation guide again.  NOBODY CARES, BRANDON!  It’s a party, relax!  You’re wearing an 800-dollar suit, sitting on a naugahyde sofa that’s covered in cheese popcorn.  Nobody gives a rat’s a** about your seance credentials.  We cut to scenes of the dudes that I’d be hanging out with if I had been there, namely Jim and his best friend, Lloyd (James W. Quinn), then finally back to the seancing.  Is that a word?  If not, I’m making it one.

Anyway, he convinces Linda that since their systems are ‘pure,’ (as in no smoking and no drinking tonight) they start to use the board. Brandon is trying to reach his spirit guide, David.  He is the spirit of a 10-year old boy with a very nasty temper who can blow all four tires on your Cobra if he thinks you’re making fun of him.  The first of many jump-scares present in this movie, this one is very effective, except for the girly leap that Brandon gives when the noise startles them all.  Trust me, what this film lacks in content, it tries to make up for with jump-scares.  And lots of shots of Tawny in baby doll pajamas, rolling around in the king-sized waterbed.  Hey, it’s the 80’s.  Live it up.

In the fracas, Brandon forgets the Ouija board, and of course, Linda can’t resist it’s ability to highlight her manicure the next morning.  She asks it several questions, the big one being “Were the tests positive?” implying that she thinks she might be pregnant.  Ladies, Ouija boards are 100% accurate with these delicate matters, so don’t go wasting money on silly things like a pregnancy test or a doctor’s appointment, just consult the spirit world and everything will be just fine!  We learn that David doesn’t like Jim, and doesn’t want to come back as Linda’s baby because of it.  This is followed by the sad death of the most entertaining character in the movie, and the ruination of a perfectly good Sonny’s Bar-B-Q hat.  RIP, Lloyd, your screen time was much too short.  I have to say that am quite impressed at the speed of the police involvement in this movie; the homicide detective, Lt. Dewhurst (Burke Byrnes) is already questioning Jim, rhapsodising about Vegas magic acts, and inserting a red herring while at Lloyd’s funeral.

The middle of the movie can pretty much be summed up as this: Linda continues to use the board, scary things happen, she has a lot of morning sickness, Brandon thinks she’s possessed, and is trying to convince Jim.  We also get a little bit of the story behind the testosterone-fueled posturing between Jim and Brandon.  Not much, but enough of their pouting close-ups make it onto the screen for you to realize that they’re both huge weenies, and it wouldn’t be bad if a load of improperly secured sheetrock fell on them both.  I mean, these guys are pout MASTERS.

After Linda ends up so scared she visits the creepy landlady (Rose Marie of the Dick Van Dyke Show), he agrees to let Brandon bring in a punk-rock medium, Zarabeth (Kathleen Wilhoite).  I must give the directors credit; the effects for the time were pretty good, and the collapsing pyramid of Mountain Dew cans is impressive.  Brandon takes back his evil ouija, and takes Zarabeth home.  Zarabeth dies a few minutes later, which is sad; the movie could have used a little bit more of her “psychic humor.”  She does give us a clue as to who is doing the killing. I won’t say who, but I will say that the word is Portugese, and I’ve had too much cough syrup to even begin to get it right.  Also, her death scene is pretty good.  Note to self: don’t keep spiky lawn ornaments around.

After Zarabeth’s untimely death, Brandon discovers that he’s been duped; he was given a chalkboard with Linda’s grocery list instead of his ouija, so he decides to go on a fact-finding mission.  Jim witnesses Linda undergo a psychic attack during which she flings herself around like…well, I can’t really say what she flings herself around like, or the site will get letters, so I’ll say that it was graceless, and quite the opposite of the way she flung herself around in the Whitesnake videos.  She gets a concussion, and is admitted to the hospital, and Jim finds out that she’s really not pregnant, so all this morning sickness is ouija-induced after all.  That pesky cop comes around again, making more references to magicians and jugglers, and implying that Jim’s missing drywall hammer is responsible for another death.

Jim joins Brandon and they  motor off to Big Bear to verify David’s story,  to the place David supposedly met the Reaper, but not before stopping at an occult store for another ouija board, and do a seance on the pier.  Jim asks Brandon the same question I hoarsely screamed at my TV: Doesn’t the board have to be on your knees?  Not when it’s where the spirit supposedly died.  The camera does that thing where it takes on the POV of the evil spirit flying around, then some barrels come untied and knock our intrepid heroes down.  They’re okay, though, until Brandon takes an axe to the face.

Then we have a bizarre breakdown by the one person who has shown no emotions aside from anger and amusement.  Jim cradles  Brandon’s body, sobbing and screaming like a little girl. Once again, the cops are hot on his trail, but first he has to deal with Linda in drag, trying to kill him with an axe.  After escaping the hospital and being attacked by the shower, she’s now possessed by the evil Portugese mass-murderer ghost dude that lived in their house and has been running around killing the good characters! An intense fight scene, complete with him pulling punches because he doesn’t want to hurt her.  The cop busts in, but Linda quickly subdues him with a poker to the head, then tries to convince Jim to shoot himself because it turns out he’s the portal for the evil after all (SHOCKING TWIST ENDING!) but Jim shoots the ouija board instead, and the evil pushes Jim’s through the window, where he executes a graceful backwards gainer onto a white station wagon.

Yet another stupid, redemptive ending, they get married, but in the wreckage of the apartment, the landlady discovers the ouija board, full of bullet holes but none the worse for wear, the perfect setup for a sequel!  Of which there are two.  This one scores a 5 out of 10, for some decent jump scares, and the writer’s gumption to kill off a character who says, “Do you see ‘Spaz’ written on this man anywhere?”

Gratuitous hair flinging Ouija-fu, knife covered in ketchup amateur plumbing, evil spirit POV Falling Sheetrock, axe to the throat sundial skewering head rolls in dream sequence, throat grabbing barrels roll axe to the face strangulation and a poker to the head	1 BLOOD quart at best; Lloyd has some smeared around his face, there’s some excellent splatter action on the dock, and Zarabeth has some on her neck. 2 BEASTS Malfeitor and Jim when he doesn’t have a shirt on.  Yeesh. 2 BREASTS during the shower attack scene.  She covers them up quick, though, so keep your eyes open. 5.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Witchboard”

What is up with all these pointless scientific studies lately. Scientists are getting millions of dollars to study the mating habits of woodchucks or the effects of injecting adrenaline into a pack of spider monkeys? I’d like to know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck too, but shouldn’t they be spending their time on more beneficial things like…oh…I don’t know..curing cancer or working on that whole global warming thing? Maybe I just don’t get it. I don’t truly understand the importance of measuring the distance and pressure involved in a penguin dropping or why woodpeckers don’t get headaches. Why the sky is blue? Why do fools fall in love? These studies make our world a safer and better place. So the government keeps racking up bigger credit debt but I say let’s take some of that money first and give it too somebody that really can do beneficial things with it. Someone that understands planning and fiscal responsibility. Yes namely me! Send me my million dollar grant in the mail soon Mr. Big Government spenders so I can finally buy my hovercraft, raise my army of DNA mind controlled dinosaurs, and  rule the world! bwahahah….or my parent’s basement… whichever comes first.

Speaking of poorly planned science projects, Dr. Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire) has taken his very housewively wife, Betty (Fay Masterson) to the woods in search of a meteorite so that he can conduct some  “science” on it. Apparently, this was during a time when science didn’t really need to have any reason or specific purpose. Paul suspects it contains Atmospherium and much like the hair gel on John Stamos hair could reveal many dark secrets of the known universe. At around this same time a big burly fellow, Dr. Roger Flemming is out exploring the wilderness and cohorting with free range forest rangers at least when he’s not caught inner dialoging. Not sure what he’s a doctor of… flannel shirts perhaps, but he desperately needs Atmospherium so that he can resurrect a bleach white lab skeleton in a hidden cave. It’s like Kate Moss got lost on a camping trip. Roger believes the skeleton once resurrected will  help him rule the world… or maybe win the lotto and finally meet some girls.

Meanwhile, an alien spaceship from the planet Marva crash lands nearby and it’s silver jump suited space pilots, Crowbar and Lattice (named after a Home Depot sales ad) accidentally lose their pet mutant. Of course their cardboard ship also requires Atmospherium to fly so they also need to get the meteorite.

Paul and Betty using a battery volt meter find the small meteorite glowing like a passed out Tinker Bell in the grass and  takes it back to his mail order science lab at the cabin. Learning of this, Crowbar and Lattice use a modified corking gun to turn themselves into awkward 50’s fashion models so they can fool Betty and Paul or as they refer to them as “the pleasant entertaining monkeys.” Lattice enjoys her new inverted cloth funnels the humans call “a dress” and with Crowbar solve the mysteries of door handles.  Dr. Flemming  finds the left behind space gun and transmogrifies some woodland creatures into his date to take to the cabin (not legal in most states except Alabama and Utah.) He hopes bringing a date will make him less suspicious  but his new creation, Animala has all the dinner table manners of a Jack Russell Terrier in a beatnik bodysuit. She sniffs people, eats from a a dinner plate like it’s a pig trough, and picks gnats off of the guests for some neighborly grooming. Sounds like the perfect date to me. A door to door forest ranger also shows up with warnings of killer mutants. With all the plate licking and mutilation stories how will Paul ever get to do science?

Soon the Skeleton, fresh from a nap uses his super Aquaman-like powers to control Animala and help deliver him the meteorite thus giving the skeleton the ability to sit up and boss people around like a skinny union rep. Behold the mighty power of the fleshless! He demands that Lattice become his skeletal bride so they can make little thigh bones and femurs of their very own. Just then thee escaped mutant looking a bit like a deranged Muppet shows up and battles Skeletor to the death. He-man would be proud.

This could be the funniest spoof of vintage 50’s b-movies ever made with some obvious nods to “Plan 9 from Outerspace” and “Attack of the killer Shrews.” It  perfectly recreates the low budget feel and wooden acting from that golden era of schlocky cinema so check it out and be sure to keep a extra case of Atmoshperium in your cooler, just in case. I hear it’s worth a fortune.

Skeleton rock climbing Laser caulking guns Farmer mutilation Sciencing White people dancing Mutant wrestling Skeleteon-fu Dinner etiquette	0 BLOOD None and it’s black and white so you couldn’t tell anyways. 8 BEASTS A skeleton, a mutant, and Animala. 1 BREASTS Nothing but a slinky outfit from Animala. 9.15 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra”

When I was 5, I had this same fear sitting on the toilet.

In “The Boogens” we learn exactly what happened to those pet turtles that were flushed down the toilet when you were a kid. Things go bad when an abandoned sliver mine is re-opened for business. It inadvertently releases the “Boogen”, an ancient creature that has an uncanny resemblance to Gamera the flying super turtle. This hero in a half shell also has deadly tentacles and a craving for fresh blood but still takes time to relax in it’s underground private spa. It also has an impressive steam cleaned bone collection and often raids basement pantries while spelunking or eats annoying pet dogs… thus helping rid the world of canned Lima beans and miniature poodles..huzzah!

A couple of the new workers, Mark and Rodger have moved out near the silver mine town along with Roger’s Girlfriend, Jessica, and her friend Trish. They all decide to rent a creepy old cabin nearby so it’s a short drive into town if there’s some sort of flannel emergency. The cabin just happens to sit on mutant grand central which practically rings the mutant diner chow bell. Instead of a massive battle against deadly tentacles we’re treated to overly long bar scenes of the couples talking and playing pool for most of the film. Will she make the 8 ball in the corner pocket?  Thrill to the sights of them ordering “another round!!!”

Eventually, they do actually stay in the cabin and the Boogen starts offing them with some good old tentacle slash and gash…. but it’s mostly just to get them to shut the heck up. It takes forever for anyone to actually figure out that people are even missing but when they do all hell breaks lose and it’s mutant turtles on a rampage. We have 4 explosions, 1 dead dog, extreme flannel, pool playing, pantry raids, creepy old guy with multiple Boogens…or would that be boogies? It’s a fun little 80’s monster movie that has “made for TV” written all over it.. except for the gratuitous nudity and swearing. Retroman says “rent it” and always remember to store you miniature poodles on a hard to reach shelf for safety.