Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category

Jun

Comments Off on Bloodstalkers

What is it about the deep south that brings hapless victims and mutants together like old people to casinos? In “The Bloodstalkers,” it’s that constant state of weird, Florida. I Blame it on the humidity, an obsession with tree fruit or senior prescriptions seeping into the water supply. There ain’t no nekkid face eatin’  in this one, but I do have  suspicion the director had been snortin’ the bath salts one too many times.

Mike (Jerry Albert) is taking his wife Kim  down to the Everglads to check out a cabin he inherited. Along for the ride is  Danny (Ken Miller) a poor excuse for a used car salesman along with his stripper girlfriend Jeri (Celaa Anne Cole.) Yes, the same Celaa Anne Cole who shoke her shiny future  hinny in Space Mutiny.

While driving the backroads, they stop at a local gas station hoping to find some breathable polyster jackets and trucker hats. Instead they’re warned by a crotchety store owner to “stay away from them woods…ya varmits” ok he didn’t say “ya varmits” but I swear he threw in a “horn swaggle and a “dang nabbit” in there somewhere. Mike and friends laugh it off so they can get quicker to their deaths and ask for directions from a roadside deaf mute who makes popping noises with his tongue (sorry ladies he’s already taken.) Like a redneck Onstar, he points them to an overgrown trail leading to their shack in the swamp but their brady bunch station wagon gets stuck and they have to hoof it on foot.

There’s quite a long time before any killing so we learn about Mike’s post traumatic Stress disorder, Kim’s love of denim and how Jeri is a really bad stripper ever since becoming a nun. Ok I made up that last part but it was still more interesting than their actual story. Mike takes a skinny dip with Kim to get away from Danny and Jeri’s constant dry humping on furniture so they relax in a swamp hole behind the cabin. Lots of backwoods nookie and 70’s folks music before Kim catches a glimpse of a furry man hanging out on the deep end of their oozie jacuzzi. Mike doesn’t see it (likely due to how dark this film is) so they head back to the shack to dry off leaving the swamp sasquatch to throw mud pies at their car.

Later that night, Jeri is attacked by a furry hand  through their window trying to coop a feel, but Mike scares him away with a mini-pistol he won in a crane game. Jeri goes  into catatonic shock and Mike in a bold heroic move leave everyone at the cabin alone and heads back to town for help. Along the way he get hassled  by some drunk Miami Dolphin fans and meets the town’s minister who tells him the truth about the cabin, sasquastch and recites entire book of Leviticus.

Ken hightales it back to the cabin while a church choir sings his action theme music only to find his wife and friends murdered and left in humorous poses. Yet another mass mime homcide. The town sherrif shows up late to let Ken know those rednecks in town were actually poachers and the cabin is where they kept the goods but Ken is too busy workin’ up some tears over his impaled girlfriend to care.  One of the poachers dressed in a monkey suit shows up for a one man game of shotgun roulette while the rest of poachers take down the sheriff. Limbs are chopped, bell bottoms are soiled and Mike has to walk back to town alone since everyone he knows and loves is dead… but hey it’s the 70’s so he’s still mello.

Barry Goodall says track down Bloodstalkers for some deep hurting cajun style. It might make you wish the south did secede.

roadside attractions

  • scythe to throat
  • multiple axings to various body parts
  • shotgun to chest
  • mute redneck GPS
  • swampwater skinny dippin’
  • neck and hand choppin’
  • a creepy shirtless Ken Miller
  • Brady Bunch stationwagon
  • Baptist choir killer theme music
  • Rednecks poachers in ape suits
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Wait for it….wait for it…

7

blood

BREASTS

Skinny dippin’ C cups and some cleavage on display. But nothin’ to write home about. Wait, that would be a weird thing to write home about.

5

beast

BEASTS

The Bloodstalkers who really aren’t sasquash but merely unshaven Floridians. Go Dolphins!!!

5.0 OVERALL
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They should heed the warning of the old swamp rat, kerwin … “That’s Bloodstalker Country … nobody can survive out there overnight!.”

Check out this b-movie survival tip from “The Bloodstalkers”

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Jun

Comments Off on Daughters of Darkness

You thought you were so edgy, in your black makeup and hair dye.  Listening to the Sisters of Mercy and The Cure, clutching your Sandman comics.  You watched “The Hunger” over and over, repeating that first scene when Bauhaus plays the club where David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve go to seduce their next yuppie bloodfeast.  You thought it was the hottest, sexiest vampire movie ever.  Then you got old, put that black makeup away, traded in Gaiman for “Twilight,” and collected like 600 cats.

Well, put down that copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” bro, because I have a movie that will get that blood boiling again, for drinking.  Forget “The Hunger,” Daughters of Darkness is the greatest lesbian vampire movie ever.  I defy you to find a more erotic and pretentious vamp flick.

And no, “Vampire in Brooklyn” does not count as erotic no matter how strongly you feel about Eddie Murphy’s mullet.

Newlyweds honeymoon in a depressing and ominous concrete hotel in Belgium.  They are deeply in lust, but the groom (John Karlen of “Dark Shadows” and “Surf Ninjas”) has some seriously complex mother issues and refuses to let the bride meet his “family”.  They meet the simmering Countess Bathory (played with a magnetism rivaling Marlene Dietrich by legendary French actress Delphine Seyrig).  Strangely, the hotel manager swears he met the Countess as a child and that she looked the same then as she does today.  The Countess drives around in a hotrod and is accompanied by a sexy lady-Renfield sporting a pageboy and an ominous red ribbon around her neck.  The Countess becomes obsessed with the young couple, for food, probably, but also maybe for sex?

An odd mix between Euro art house pretension, with the obligatory Freudian shots of ocean waves banging against seawalls, and the grindhouse mandate for boobs, DoD is like “Twilight,” if it had been directed by a sexually depraved and heavily inebriated Stanley Kubrick with Dario Argento as his cinematographer.  The movie looks ravishing, saturated in unsettling browns and reds.   The MILFy Countess is mesmerizing.  Despite a muddled and bizarre story structure (seriously, though, there are boobs and lesbian vampires so why are you even following the plot), this is a hidden 70’s trash gem.  Check it out, and you will compelled to pull out that old “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” 7’ and reapply the black nail polish.

The Lessons from “Daughter of Darkness”:

-Never trust anyone in a neckerchief.

-So you think your neighbor at the resort might be a thousand year old vampire who feeds on the young to attain eternal life and she wants to seduce you?  Just go with it.

roadside attractions

  • Lesbian Vampires, obviously
  • Long shots of oceans representing lust (or maybe fascism?)
  • The color red
  • Absolute lack of sparklepires
  • Soviet brutalist architecture
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Not particularly gory, unfortunately. But everyone wears a lot of red.

9

blood

BREASTS

How is it that nubile blondes in 70’s exploitation flicks can shower without getting their hair wet? PS – Lesbian vampires, duh.

7

beast

BEASTS

While the film is ambiguous when it comes to the whole “is she actually a vampire?” business, Lady Baths is probably one of the best aristocratic-style bloodsuckers I’ve seen.

8.9 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Daughters of Darkness”

trailers

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Jun

Comments Off on The Galaxy Invader

Galaxy Invader screen capture.

Aliens meeting rednecks is a subject close to my heart. Hell, that’s how we came to have Uncle Spacey locked up in the attic on the family farm. While The Galaxy Invader only features one alien, it has a metric ton of rednecks. This leads to many classic double negative filled quotes, including “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like this b’fore!”, “We don’t need no women!”, and “I don’t want you sayin’ nothin’ to nobody!” If you ever wanna piss off a grammar snob, give ‘em a copy of this flick.

Galaxy Invader

If Larry the Cable Guy decided to remake E.T., but spent 99% of the budget on Coors Light and Laffy Taffy, you might get something close to The Galaxy Invader. An alien crashes in the backwoods near a one brain cell town, and well, hilarity ensues. And how. Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will recognize the film, as bits were used in the credits for Pod People (Rifftrax eventually lampooned Galaxy Invader). For the meme literate: “Yo dawg, I heard you like b-movies, so I put a b-movie in your b-movie, so you can watch a b-movie while you watch a b-movie.”

The film features dueling storylines (but no banjos) centered around the Invader. The first is a touching tale of a young student and his teacher who either lives six hours away or is slow to get out of bed. When the student phones about the crashed alien, the learned teacher tells the boy, from the comfort of his bed, “I will be there about six hours from now.” Six hours? You can watch all three of the Back to the Future films in less time.

Galaxy Invader

The second, and even more touching storyline is about a down-on-his-luck father trying to provide for his family in the face of adversity. Wait. No. It is about the town drunk chasing his daughter with a shotgun for mouthing off. Joe (blood type: PBR) is always wearing the same torn t-shirt throughout the film. When Joe ain’t chasing his family with a shotgun, he schemes with the film’s equivalent to Boss Hogg. Their plan? Conscript drunk hunters, have them capture the alien alive, and sell it. Hey, it worked in King Kong.

Oh, right.

Unlike E.T., ALF, or MAC, our Invader is acronym free and packing heat. After seeing the Invader’s weapons in action against drunk hunters, Joe comes up with a new plan–sell the weapons to the Russians. Ah, films in the ‘80s–when in doubt, reference the Russians.

Galaxy Invader is a much watch. It is brilliantly hilarious. If the hilarity is intended or not, I can’t say. But, the film just keeps throwing curve balls. Joe’s dime store Jimmy Stewart persona is a joy to watch, so are his parenting skills. Joe’s youngest daughter hating everything is a great running gag, and then there is the awkward fight scene between Joe and his son. They don’t so much as fight, as they aggressively lean into each other. The ending also features the best pre-Baywatch use of slow motion. And let’s not forget the Invader itself–the costume may look kinda silly, but I’ll take someone in a costume and mask over a CGI alien any day. Tiger says, give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Bumpy aliens
  • Crazy hair
  • Torn shirts
  • Plaid shirts
  • Alien stun guns
  • Floozies
  • Short shorts
  • Awkward family fighting
  • Falling dummies
  • Rednecks
  • Shotgun parenting
  • Hillbillies
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Mr. Invader and some of the rednecks get kinda gun crazy.

0

blood

BREASTS

All of the ladies keep their tops on.

10

beast

BEASTS

Mr. Invader has plenty of screen time and is pretty neato looking.

6.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “The Galaxy Invader”

trailers

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May

Comments Off on Intruder

‘Clean up in aisle DEAD!’ Or maybe, ‘Price check for some DEATH!’ Or how about, ‘Attention shoppers… your local grocery store will be MURDERING you in fifteen minutes. So please bring your final purchases to the front lanes…’ Yeah anyway, let’s talk about Intruder!

So what do you get when you take a good chunk of the cast and crew of Evil Dead 2 and put them in a grocery store? You know where I’m going with this. Originally a short film entitled ‘Night Shift’, Intruder centers on a crew of grocery store employees closing the store as they are picked off one by one by a… well, an Intruder. There is more to it than that though.

We get introduced to the silly cast of characters, when Jennifer’s (Elizabeth Cox… and yes, she was Kathy in Night of the Creeps) deranged ex-boyfriend Craig (David Byrnes), who not only is rocking the world’s toughest mullet with a leather jacket, but also tries to threaten Jennifer into a date. Kinda surprised it didn’t work. Thought women liked men who are straight forward. Snapping into action, Linda, the more talented, yet greatly underappreciated Estevez sister, Renee, flips the poop switch and along side of the whole store beat Craig’s arse until he leaves. Man and you thought rent-a-cops were bad!

Now that this problem is out of the way, the crew is informed by store manager Danny (Eugene Glazer) and co-manager Bill (Danny Hicks! You know, the redneck guy that screams, “BOBBI-JOOOOO!” in Evil Dead 2!) informs them the store is closing forever. Not surprising, with the state of the economy and all.

Like any good stalker, Craig continues to call the store and harass Jennifer, so they call the police. In typical slasher form, they are totally useless… so, oh well. Linda finishes up her work and is immediately murdered. Some copies of the box art advertise it like Renee Estevez is the heroine of the film, so I can see how what I just wrote may be confusing to some people who have never seen the film, but have passed by the video in a store and only picked up the box and said, “Hmm… this could be good, but let’s get Grumpier Old Men instead.”

The crew decides to multi-task and search for Craig while working. Bill investigates outside, but is knocked out by Craig, so surely he is the killer…right? And this is the point where everyone is picked off one by one in some of the most grotesque and brutal manners. Hopefully you see the Director’s Cut (which is pretty much every DVD and the Blu-Ray copies) and not any other edition, because the death scenes are heavily cut. Intruder boasts some really amazing special effects by KNB. The Blu-Ray even includes extended death scenes (work print quality) as a bonus feature! People get their head’s sawn in half, hung up by meat hooks, eyes gouged out and a head even gets crushed by a trash compactor!

Also, this is Scott Speigel’s directorial debut and I have to say… he chooses some very interesting cinematography. A lot of random items get their own POV shots, like a door knob, a bottle of liquor… these are all very stylish and cool looking.

Now I can’t really go too much more into the film without spoiling the ending, although some older box art does spoil who the killer is. Instead, I’ll conclude by saying Intruder is a bloody good time. Everyone does a top notch job and even some of the over the top moments are fun to watch. You can tell everyone was having a good time making this film and it really shows. Danny Hicks has some of the best line deliveries and tells an amusing story about being a fireman. Ted Raimi is funny to watch as always and it’s interesting to see Sam Raimi in front of the camera acting. It’s also interesting to note that Bruce Campbell got top billing (courtesy of Paramount’s ‘great’ marketing), although he is only in the film for a mere moment. Add that to all of the great gore effects with some pretty creepy atmosphere and you have a recipe for a good ol’ fashioned slasher. If you don’t have Intruder or have never seen it, then you are dead to me. We can no longer see each other, but we can still be friends. I want to see other people and I am breaking up with you… until you see Intruder.

roadside attractions

  • A non-crazy Sheen/Estevez
  • Dude with a ‘tude mullet?
  • Broom POV
  • Compacted cranium
  • Slice ‘n dice head cheese
  • Slab o’ meat?-Half off sale
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Splish, splash, splat!

0

blood

BREASTS

Get your fill elsewhere, sickos!

7

beast

BEASTS

Just one little blood thirsty ankle bitter but he does plenty of damage. Somebody should get this kid a pacifier.

8.2 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “The Intruder”

trailers

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May

posted by Doktor | May 18, 2012 | 70's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, Cult Film, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on The Alien Factor

Year: 1978     Runtime: 80 min
Director: Don Dohler
Writer: Don Dohler
Starring: Don Leifert, Tom Griffith and Richard Dyszel

Because The Avengers is the bestest movie in the history of forever and all future times, I am required by law to have at least one line about how it compares to the film I’m currently reviewing. Here it is:

The Alien Factor and The Avengers both share the exact same first four letters. After that they are pretty much the same, but different. Despite all the high-tech hoobajoobs, at their core both movies are about heroes and monsters. I’m certain Joseph Campbell would agree that these movies are just different sides of the same coin.

Let’s look at the monsters and hero in The Alien Factor to see how similarly different they are to those in The Avengers.

Background

In The Alien Factor, there’s an alien zoologist, and because we never really get his name let’s call him—purely at random—Lowkey. He’s collected three space animal-monsters for the space zoo back on his home planet, which is in space. On the trip back he decides to celebrate with a few space brewskis. Next thing he knows, the Earth is right square in his flight path. He tries to correct, but his space reflexes are diminished by 23.45678%. If they were only down by 23.45677%… No use in crying over spilt space milk.

Also, the sun was in his eyes.

When the space ship crashes the containment shields stop working. The containment shields were keeping the three space animal-monsters from escaping. Oh, and the ship’s exit door was unlocked and opened. So, early one morning in 1972 an unsuspecting little town in Maryland was the new home for a Infersyce, a Zagatile and a Leemoid.

The Bad Guys aka Space Animal-Monsters

The Infersyce. A humanoid insect monster with an exoskeleton that looks suspiciously like a dress. It’s weakness is high frequency sound waves pumped out of sweet Alpine 20″ woofer. How one manages to get power and audio signal way out in the middle of the woods where the Infersyce is preying on the people is another story, one the movie never bothers to tell. We’ll have to chuck it up to space science.

The Zagatile. A considerate Wookie/Ant hybrid alien monster. I describe it as considerate because when it attacks the Sheriff and Mary Jane, it claws very lightly, though menacingly, at the widow rather than break into the house. Whereas regular bullets have no effect, a syringe bullet (and I mean that literally) penetrates its hide like greased goose diarrhea.

The Leemoid. Or perhaps it was a Nimoy. I get them two mixed up. Whatever. The Leemoid is the final “Boss” monster. It is a translucent claymation LizardSnakeMan, half lizard, half snake, half man. The only way to defeat him is by swinging a stick in its general direction. Once it realizes what you’ve done, it falls down dead.

The Good Guys aka The Townsfolk

Young Lovers #1. First, there is the couple making out in a secluded field, far out of town. The bottle of Strawberry Hill swirling through their hormone-driven bodies makes them blind to the Infersyce, ever so stealthily crunching through the dry hay towards them. The synthesized cat screeching music swells. The horny boyfriend gets got. The girl makes for the safety of the woods. Thanks to off screen teleportation, i.e. not writing the scene, she eventually ends up at the doctor’s office in a state of shock.

Young Lovers #2. In a completely different part of the woods, this time by the pond, the other couple is enjoying the romantic setting. Or at least the guy is, trying to set the mood. The girl isn’t having any of it. She decides to enjoy the seclusion of the woods, alone. All by herself. No one there to “protect” her. Naturally, a space peron startles her, despite his hot pecks—she stumbled on him while he was sunbathing. He chases after her, trying to apologize. She runs into the path of a speeding motorcycle. She’s tossed into the ditch, smearing Louisiana Hot Sauce on her face. The motorcycle got a nasty scratch that couldn’t be buffed out.

Haut Young Studs. The three Haut Young Studs sport the best of 70s hair fashion: first, Bock Sampson hockey hair; two, bushy white-boy fro; and third, greasy black mane with a Charlie Manson goat-tee. They’re not just lookers, but thinkers. Hockey Hair argues against the Sheriff’s orders that they not go out looking for the monsters with: “Come OH-win” (commonly pronounced come on). Brilliant!

The Law. Not to be out shined in the intelligence department, there’s Sheriff Simpleton and Deputy Dufus. Deputy Dufus moonlights as the city’s meteorologist, and is a damned fine one at that. Here’s a sample forecast, “They’re calling for 5 or 4 inches of snow tonight.” That’s also the exactly right ratio of people who are having not math very good making skills.

The Childrens. I don’t know what’s in the water in Maryland, but these kids are weird. They frolic the snowy fields in slow motion, about a foot apart, tossing a beach ball to one another. While that’s awkward, the really disturbing behavior is when they discover the Leemoid’s victim’s dead body. They stand and gawk, not once poking it with a stick. WTF?

The Drunk. Every small town has the happy-go-lucky drunk. Alcoholism, and to a lesser extend farts, will always be funny. The Drunk is a complex character, each one serves a different purpose. For The Alien Factor, The Drunk serves to kill runtime, i.e. make filler to pad out the movie to roughly 90 minutes. He mostly eats peanuts and sips his beer. All the while we get to listen to two rocking hits from the Fru-Fruity John Pertwees. The Drunk goes home to drink some more beer and read Monster Who’s Who—more filler. Then a noise draws him down into the basement. Though Drunk, he’s not stupid. He prepares by grabbing his gun. Carefully he makes his way down, eyes peeled, reflexes sharp and on point. Fumbling slowly out of a dark corner, the Zagatile sloths up on The Drunk and kills him.

No one builds tension (behind your eyes, commonly known as a headache), like Don Dohler.

B-MOVIE SURVIVAL TIP: When you’re confronted by a monster in your basement, and you have a gun, and it is pointed at the monster, which is SLOWLY advancing towards you, SHOOT! Even if it’s yourself.

The Reporter. Local reporter, Ms. Dufus, no explicit relation to the deputy, goes out for her big scoop on the aliens armed with a half gallon can of gasoline. Why gasoline? Because Deputy Dufus suggested that it MIGHT be possible to kill the aliens with fire. Even if we’re willing to forgive her momentary lapse of reason, she still has a major problem. When attacked, she drops the gas can and runs off. I don’t know if she doesn’t understand the idea behind a Molotov cocktail, or forgot you need to open the can, slosh the gas on the target and then ignite the gas, but the result is the same. The can of gas was a complete waste. It was a really nice can, too.

The Mayor. He’s your typical bureaucrat. Only interested in the money that will be generated by an impending entertainment center, Mayor Poopooheimer shafts the law, the citizens, and ultimately himself, by trying to keep this whole space animal-monster thing quiet. He dies a fitting death when the Zagatile sneaks up behind him and smears his face with Louisiana Hot Sauce. Good riddance.

And finally…

The Hero. Ben “Space Animal-Monster Hunter” Zachery. He is the ultimate combination of awesome. Forged from cold, hard steel that is Bob “Happy Little Cloud” Ross and titanic might of Zap “Canadian Hero Extraordinare” Rowsdower, he is truly a wonder of nature. He’s also a space foreigner, the very same one who was catching some sun earlier. Enigmatic and dangerously handsome, Zachery is a mans man, and every woman’s dream.

So, as you can see, The Alien Factor is pretty much The Avengers. The real difference is the moral, which is: Not everything that’s ugly on the outside is ugly on the inside, except for this movie, which is ugly through and through.

roadside attractions

  • Sparkly Space Powers
  • Synthesized Space Music
  • Space Aliens
  • Space Ships
  • Lurleen the Bartender
  • Snow Tires
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Sadly, there was much wasting of Louisiana Hot Sauce. To Cajuns this film marks a dark, dark day in cinematic history.

5

blood

BREASTS

None. Having seen the possible candidates, this is a very good thing.

10

beast

BEASTS

The best that “no money” can buy.

7 OVERALL
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About the Highway

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