Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category

May

posted by admin | May 26, 2008 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Chick-flix

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Run, Angel, Run
“Can we pull over? I think I caught a junebug in my teeth.

I’ve recently starting go back to the local gym. Repetitive computer mouse movements and the occasional chair shifting aren’t burning the calories like I’d hope. Yes it’s time to lose that pizza gut that I’ve worked on so hard over these past several months. The countless hours sitting in front of a computer to perfect it’s shape and density, it’s truly like a work of art. Sure it hasn’t won me any awards in categories like “most likely to have grease in his veins” but I did get honorable mentions in “most likely to run over your grandma for a doughnut.” or the coveted “achievements in long range Girlscout cookie flavor identification.” I do have a lifetime membership to Fitness USA that I got back in 1997 on a dare and by lifetime apparently that means at some point in my life I plan to use it again so why not now. I figured out why I hate exercise so much…it’s work…and I do a lot of that already, hence the title “working out” but I will keep at it and continue to work those abs and glutify my glutes and perfect my pectorals. Whatever it takes so I don’t gasp for air in exhaustion from opening a jar of tomatoes.

William Smith, a life long body builder, plays a biker named Angel who knows what it takes to stay in shape. This former Marlboro man also knows how to keep a fake mustache attached to his upper lip precariously for long periods of time as evident in his starring role in the 1969’s biker movie “Run, Ange, Run.” A little known fact, Smith also holds the record for 5100 continuous sit ups over a 5 hour time frame barely beating out my record by 5000 or so. William usually plays a b-movie direct to video bad guy these days but finds himself early in his career in the uncomfortable role of a misunderstood sensitive bike type. Angel is hightailing it out of town with his favorite hooker/girlfriend/go-go dancer Laurie, played convincingly by Valerie Starrett. Ms. Starrett is actually the wife of the director Jack Starrett which must have made some of her love scenes a tad uncomfortable. Turns out all the bikers gangs are looking for Angel now since he sold them out for his story to “Like” Magazine for a whopping $10,000. Even in the late 60’s that amount shouldn’t have been enough to sell out your fellow riders but Angel isn’t the shiniest tool in the shed and thinks he’s struck the jackpot. He continually tries to get rid of Laurie a good 3 or 4 times before they even leave town, this despite her bailing him out jail by turning tricks in the parking lot the night before. Now that is true love. His bipolar medication was obviously left at home as he switches back and forth between sensitive Angel and homicidal “I’ll stick a fork in your eye” Angel, but that seems to only makes Laurie love him more.

Through a series of mind numbing motorcycle montages accompanied by the tunes of Tammy Wynette, Angel and Laurie evade the pursuing biker gangs confusing them with a stunt spectacular at a train station that would make Evil Knievel proud. No one under 18 will be admitted during the breath taking train jumping sequence. Narrowly escaping being raped by a gang of train hobo’s Laurie and Angel flee to an abandoned barn to pretend to be in school and to take a literal roll in the hay. I think people with hay fever wouldn’t even find that love scene stimulating. You can almost hear the director screaming “Get your damn filthy hands off my wife!!!” as William attempts his best to grope Valerie without actually touching, an impressive acting skill.

Angel and Laurie then decide to go house hunting and start a life together ala June Cleaver style fulfilling their redneck American dream of owning a beat down shed in the middle of nowhere. The film had taken a sharp nose dive at that point with scenes of them at their dinner table talking about their life and their dreams…then montages of them running on the beach and holding hands to the sounds of flute music…and…wait is this a Lifetime movie of the week? Did I accidentally stumble into a feminine hygiene commercial? What happened to the motorcycle gang that was about rip off his arm and beat him with it? Unfortunately they’re still back at a local bar starting up their own roadhouse dinner theater and picking bars fight with rejects from Docker pants commercials. Be sure to take note of the go-go dancer in the background who continues to dance while heads are getting smashed around her. You gotta love the 60’s for little gem moments like that.

Years, months, or days appear to be go by and Angel is now sans mustache, the ultimate sacrifice of a motorcyclists is shaving, and is now living the good life down on the farm. Angel teaches his neighbor, Dan Felton, to ride a motorcycle and in return Dan gives him a job in sheep dipping. Luckily that’s not as obscene as it sounds and Dan is thrilled to have a job dousing sheep in chemical flea baths for a honest day’s pay. He then starts spouting poetry about birds and freedom and at some point appears to want to cry! (Billy what is wrong with you? Shouldn’t you’ve beaten someone senseless by now?)

Dan’s daughter, Megan, decides to go hang out at a local bar and gets raped by that long lost biker gang I mentioned earlier as they finally learn of Angel’s whereabouts. If you throw enough coincidences in a film, things like that are bound to happen so Dan thinks Angel did it because Megan is now a mute and only screams at the sounds of revving motorcycles. Based on this overwhelming evidence Dan loads up his shotgun to go make mince meat out of Angel back at his shack. My dog barks at the sound of lawnmowers but I don’t shoot the nearest landscaper.

Angel who has been away in the city has returned from finally picking up his check and avoided the long wait at his mailbox. Things go sour from there when the motorcycle gang of four and a very angry Dan show up with shotgun in tow. It’s a rodeo-style showdown with some motorcycle wranglin’ and furniture tippin’ ending with lessons about life, love, and the evilness of greed. Yup ladies and gentlemen it’s a chick-flick.

I think if any lessons I learned from this movie is that… 1. $10,000 is not enough to rat out biker gangs or pay for a year of college. 2. motorcycle montages sung by Tammy Wynette are a great way to fight insomnia. 3. William Smith could crush most people using only his index finger and thumb.

As far as chick-flick/biker films from the late 60’s go this was pretty good. So go grab yourself a Harley and scare up some sheep with “Run, Angel, Run.”

Keep an eye out for….

– bar-room brawl with optional go-go dancers
– off key folk singing
– sheep dipping
– cackling rednecks
– hobo throwin’
– imprompto train jumping evil knievel style
– motorcycle montages
– hay rollin’
– bi-polar domesticated motorcyclist
– mustache wrangling
– chicken feeding
– motorcycle induced sheep stampedes
– babbling homeless Santa impersonators
– Tammy Wynette singing
– extreme facial hair

warning this movie is known to induce drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery while watching. If you have allergies to wool or hay we suggest you consult your doctor before viewing.


rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the trailer for Run, Angel, Run.

May

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C.H.U.D.

“Little Johnny didn’t sleep well that night. It may have been due to his new Hasbro’s Demon from Hell night-light.

When I was a young kid my biggest fears were 1. Having my parents continue to dress me in country western shirts and friction inducing corduroy pants for school and 2. That creatures living in the sewer would come up through the toilet and drag me down to their netherworld. Both of which give me bad flashbacks and why to this day I have yet to use a public bathroom in a rodeo bar. My older cousins would also say those giant green porta-potties were simply a means to transport the toilet creatures from one part of the country to another only furthering my phobias. Sure maybe it was a hoax on a gullible fashion-challenged kid or perhaps it was a part of a larger undercover government conspiracy to thin crowds at county fairs and racing events. The truth may never be known.

In the movie C.H.U.D., the director apparently suffered some of the same childhood dramas as myself and used filmmaking for his therapy. C.H.U.D supposedly stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Run for your lives! It’s an acronym movie title… oh the horrors! but wait it turns out that it actually stands for Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal which is the name of a secret government policy to dump toxic waste under the city streets of New York. Would New Yorkers even notice the difference…probably not, that is until a cute little dogs get mutilated and a photographer starts screening his calls…thats when the cops are called into action. Christopher Curry plays Captain Bosch…a good cop with a disturbing mustache who is trying to find out the cause of the sudden disappearance of his wife and dozens of homeless people in the city. He meets A.J. played by City Slicker Daniel Stern, a centaurian looking fellow who runs a soup kitchen and is occasionally out-acted by his enormous hair or stained shirts. A.J. (when will the acronyms end!) is convinced that his homeless friends are being snatched up by someone or something in the sewers like a demonic Leona Helmsley looking for a few new hotel servants. The captain isn’t convinced though until they discover a giant moon boot and a clock radio that also acts as a geiger counter…shoot I have those things in my basement and I don’t have a CHUD problem….yet. The clock radio lights up like a Christmas tree indicating something is moving towards them and then the something starts growling. They express mild concern in the possibility of a horrible mutant creature about to munch on their innards and casually head back to the surface to attend a board meeting, successfully diffusing what could have been a actual tense situation.

Meanwhile in what seems like a completely different movie, George Cooper played by John “made for t.v. movie” Heard is taking photos of his pipe-cleaner shapely girlfriend, Lauren, who complain about pimples on her butt and wants to have lots of babies. George is also trying to hunt down one of his other star photo models, a homeless bag lady whom he has to bail out of jail. She brings him down below the city streets for a tunnel of garbage tour and to show him a chewed up leg which resembles someone’s unfinished BBQ ribs dinner platter.

A plot finally tries to rear it’s ugly head but thankfully is squashed via long scenes of useless dialog and dull boardroom scenes that play right out of a community theater production. Where is the cannibalism!? Government and city officials deny the existence of the C.H.U.D.S. then Daniel Stern has a temper tantrum and throws a book silently across the desk and suddenly they starting telling the truth. Guantanamo Bay should take notice on these interrogation techniques.

The officials decide to destroy the mutants by attempting to gas the tunnels and seal off the manholes. Meanwhile the captain simultaneously decides to send in a squad of police officer armed with standard issued flame throwers apparently forgetting the devastating results of what happens when you light a fart only on a much bigger scale.

A.J. and George end up trapped underground as a few escaping mutants attack John Goodman dressed as a copy at a local Diner. The John Goodman sized-snack doesn’t seem to ruin their appetites and they continue their night of rampage. Luaren is also attacked by a C.H.U.D. in her apartment but her class on samurai sword fighting self-defense at the YMCA finally pays off. She then steals a police car with keys still in the ignition and hightails it to the diner to find out where her boyfriend is. The scapegoat government official will do anything to make sure the public doesn’t know about the mutants and attempts to kill all the witnesses including A.J. and George still trapped below the city streets. Always better to kill every innocent bystander then letting them know you were illegally dumping toxic waste.

C.H.U.D is pure 80’s horror cheese. The gory effects are great and the over the top acting made this an enjoyable afternoon movie between info-mercials about carpet cleansers and botox creams. So I say CHUD it out….and always be sure to check the toilet seat before sitting.

Keep an eye out for….

– professional phone screening
– elf-like neighbors
– canine lynch mobs
– standard police issued flame throwers
– mutant neck extenders
– extreme shirt staining
– epileptics with rambo knives
– boardroom theater shows
– coin eaters…keep the change
– lost moon boots
– ground chuck-o-legs
– clock radio’s with optional geiger counters
– aggressive pay phone collectors
– shower clogs
– highbeam eye-lights
– gratuitous use of the term “manhole”
– explosive bread delivery trucks

Name that CHUD

a. Chihuahua Hound Undersized Dogs
b. Communist Hungarian Urban Development
d. Contortionist Hiding Under Desks
e. Contaminated Husband’s Underwear Discovery
f. all of the above

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

CHUD C.H.U.D T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirt you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the C.H.U.D. T-shirt

Watch the trailer for “C.H.U.D.”

May

posted by admin | May 3, 2008 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies

Comments Off on Yes I’m late with my review but look at the shameless self-promotional video I made instead.

It’s been an extremely busy week and though I did get to watch 2 movies this past week neither really felt they would work well for one of my reviews. But while realizing I would be late yet again with a worthy b-movie review, I thought I’d get a bit creative and put together a video review of these two films that missed the cut. So here’s my first attempt below that I posted to YouTube. I’ll be making these brief video reviews occasionally. Hey now you’ll know my face so you can stop me on the street and kick me in the shins for recommending Troll 2. “You can’t piss on hospitality”

Watch episode 1: A brief review of “Them” and “Two Lane Blacktop”

Apr

posted by admin | April 17, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

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Day of the Dead

“What zombie doesn’t enjoy rockin’ out to the Grateful Dead?

We’ve had a ongoing debate at work “Where would you go in the event of a zombie outbreak?” I know I know…a common office emergency scenario and a prevalent question in the political debates. But one that still must be answered. Hilary Clinton already faced that situation in Kosovo to which she claimed she grabbed a soldier’s machine gun and laid waste to hundreds of zombified villagers before the infection could spread and I’m not entirely convinced that John McCain isn’t already one of the living dead. Some people think the mall is a good choice, or a prison, or their local bomb shelter. All logical answers but not the best so when the undead overtake our small city I’m heading to Sam’s Club. It’s the perfect fortified structure with some gas tanks in front to load up fuel, very few entrances, not many if any windows, and a life time supply of the largest bulk food items you’ve ever seen. It’s like an Aztec temple of storage boxes and food samples. The only downside is they don’t carry ammo there but generally wherever you find a Sam’s there’s usually a nearby gun shop so you can stop on the way to load up your favorite semi automatic deer shredding hunting rifle. Sam’s club puts the huge in huge-mugnous. You could restart and entire civilization in one of those places or fill it with water and recreate naval battles. Of course zombies love to shop so you’ll most likely have to be clearing house for a while but after that initial carnage you can become the self proclaimed king of wholesale. Sitting on top of your giant throne of 10 gallon jars of mayonnaise and 45 pound bags of cereal. Former Walmart workers happy to serve you since they would still get better treatment under your dystopian dictatorship than their current corporate managers.

In Day of the Dead some survivors choice to try to wait out the zombie apocalypse in an Floridian underground storage facility instead of their nearby Sam’s location. I think that’s where they store Walt Disney’s head on a slab of ice. Lori Cardille plays Sarah, a scientist trying to figure out what caused the zombie outbreak and how to stop it along with her medical associate, a crazy scientist called Dr. Frankenstein who enjoys cutting up the undead to play full size versions of the game “Operations.” After a failed helicopter search for survivors on the surface the crew returns to the claustrophobic caves. It was obviously hard to tell the difference between a zombie with all those wrinkly old Floridians playing shuffle board when flying over them. A small band of misfit military are also stuck with the scientist in the caverns/storage facility as they try to find a cure or ways to domesticate the zombies. Dr. Frankenstein is working on trying to train one zombie in particular he affectionately refers to Bud (taste great, less filling) to do things like brush his teeth, shoot a gun, and not gnaw your face off, much for the same reasons we train monkeys. The military are herding the zombies in the caverns like rotting cattle for the doctor to continue his experiments on but they are growing more restless, more crazy, and more facial hair. Soon they’re starting to question if they should get out of Dodge and leave the doc and his friends to fend for themselves.

The Jamaican helicopter pilot and his alcohol liver soaked partner live further in the caverns in a makeshift trailer park including standard issued Hawaiian lua decor. The only thing missing are the mullets and iron maiden cut-off shirts. Sarah befriends them and the pilot gives a sermon from a lounge chair on how ticked off God is and how it would be best to go to an island and do some fly fishing. Things get worse as Sarah’s now former one armed boyfriend who was already a bit crazy goes certifiable nut job taking himself up the elevator as a sacrifice and letting the zombie gates open. Soon hundreds of zombies are filling the caves ripping army guys apart like old gi-joe dolls given to hyperactive 3 year olds. Sarah and her buddies attempt an escape deep into the caverns with a two by four and a shovel for protection. Good picks for weapons, no reloading.

The main star here is Bub played by Sherman Howard. Bub is the most sympathetic character in the whole film. You just want to take him for a pet. He’s kinda like Lassie the dog except an insatiable hunger for human flesh and the ability to shave but wouldn’t that have made Lassie a more interesting show anyways? Bub exacts his revenge on the military meat heads but instead of using his teeth he uses a magnum and a pretty decent aim as a zombified marine. Meanwhile the surviving military run around screaming like chipmunks while Jane and company flee to the surface to escape in the helicopter now surrounded by zombies looking to hitch a ride. While not as strong a movie as his first films, George Romero was still on his game with this 3rd bleak entry in his zombie series. Far superior to his more recent disasters of Land of the Dead and Diary of the dull..errr I mean Dead. To which I say if your named George and if you haven’t made a movie in 30 years just stop and put the megaphone down. Slowly step away from the camera. Nobody needs to get hurt. And this means you too George “Jar Jar must die” Lucas! As with Romero’s earlier zombie films there’s the heavy social commentary under-current on how we are own worst enemies who can’t co-operate in the face of a disaster..blah blah blah..yeah I know I’ve seen it every year on Black Friday at the mall, just bring on the zombie carnage. It really is an interesting comment on the times of Regan ‘s military machine tactics and our own paranoia so definitely check it out and always remember to groom your zombie properly before feeding and keep your firearms hidden. Remember that guns don’t kill people…zombies with guns kill people.
Keep an eye out for….

– shaving cuts
– hand climbing walls
– bad Jamaican accents
– zombie herding
– cave trailer parks
– head shoveling
– impromptu amputations
– extreme gut rippin’
– severed heads jump starting.
– clown zombies
– zombie-vators
– golf cart hit and runs

I wonder if zombies ever stop to think about all the trans fats and salt they’re getting from eating us Americans. We should be wearing t-shirts with nutritional labels printed on them.


rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the whole dang movie on YouTube!!! (part 1 of 10)….. piracy police start your engines.

Apr

posted by admin | April 3, 2008 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films

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Jason X


“Psychotic hockey player or grizzly bear robot? You be the judge.”

In the early golden years of cable there used to be some great channels and not just re-runs of CSI and Monk. Remember the constant running of John Hughes films on TNT? There was also the Sci-fi Channel with it’s 50/50 split of horror and sci-fi where you got some great slasher movie marathons late at night and of course those great Saturday nights with Joe Bob Brigg’s Monstervision (Joe Bob you are missed.) Sure they were watered down and broken up with commercials for hair care products but you still had the great commentary by my favorite Texas b-movie connaisseur and a good way to spend a Saturday night. Of course I wouldn’t know this because I had such a busy social schedule with all the ladies and late night rave club dancing. What I do remember on those less “socially active nights” is the Friday the 13th marathons. A TV blood bonanza though less blood on cable thanks to big brother watching over my fine sensibilities. You’d think since I’m watching a horror movie they’d figure that I’d actually like to see where that pick axe lands. For all I could tell Jason suddenly appeared, the teenager screams a giant *bleep* and then trips and lands on the axe with his head. Don’t get me wrong, even for all the broadcast editing they were still very entertaining. Jason was like Jaws, a huge unstoppable killing machine with no dialog. You couldn’t reason with him, appeal to his nurturing side, and you couldn’t negotiate a payment schedule. He was going to find you and impale on the nearest sharp object he could grab so you just better run to gain a few more minutes of breathing. And you could pretty much forget it if you were a bitchy teenage girl who smoked pot and enjoyed premarital sex. That just means you’re first in line for the wood axe to the noggin. That’s a lesson they should really add to the sex-ed curriculum. “Chapter 5: If you have premarital sex Jason will hunt you down and impale you on meat hook. Class dismissed.”

By my count Jason racked up something like 250 kills in his movie career. No wonder frats and sororities are begging for more pledges, Jason cleaned house. Yet parents keep sending their kids to Crystal Lake. Perhaps when I have teenagers of my own I might better understand their motivation a bit better.

In Jason X (Friday the 13th part 10) the ticked off goalie returns but this time he’s been couped up in a underground research facility near his stomping grounds while the military figures out how to harvest his regenerative power (I think it’s called box-office draw). While attempting to be transferred to a new facility he of course escapes, kills a bunch of people, and then is cleverly trapped in a cryogenic freezer. That’s a tough way to chill out and develop a major case of freezer burn and is especially bad for a hockey player that doesn’t like ice or any water. Flash forward 4 centuries and a research crew discovers the now abandoned facility while exploring a now un-inhabitable planet Earth. They stumble upon Jason in an oversized Whirlpool appliance and by his side is a frozen government agent/super bimbo who had tried to escape from Jason the night of the big freeze but ended up impaled just as they both became frozen fish sticks. Back on the ship she gets thawed out and patched up just in time to warn the crew not to thaw out Jason…who of course was already defrosted and just smashed a researchers face into a thousands pieces. I think some people just wake up grumpy.

Fortunately the ship has it’s own built in crew of goofy armored marines for such occasions and they’re all sent into the cargo hold to track him down like Osama Bin-Vorhees. Semper-die is Jason’s motto and he kills them all off in his typical creative physco killer ways. Round 2, the ship’s onboard robo-babe gets an weapons upgrade and has a high-tech shoot out with Jason shooting of his arm and leg and eventually puts him down via a head shot. But you just can’t keep a good killer down and Jason also gets an upgrade thanks to accidental nanotechnology turning him into super-Cyborg Killer. Round #3 goes to the goalie. Which annoying teenager will survive? Will Jason’s new Vista Operating System crash? Why do we still use bullets 4 centuries into the future? Many of these questions are answered and more.

I found this probably the funniest Friday the 13th and highly entertaining due to it’s sheer out of this world storyline and barrage of one-liners. I have hopes we’ll see a “Jason goes Scuba diving” or “Jason gets a job in a Insurance company” in the theaters soon. He’d be a great auditor.

Keep an eye out for…

– Extreme Jason freezer burn
– Nipple clamping
– Jason pillow fights
– Extreme impalements
– Strained space teens
– Face smashing
– Neck snapping
– Back breaking
– iJason Nano’s
– Shredded space cowboys

The Red Wings should draft Jason…no opponent would get near him in the goalie net.


rated 8.5 out of 10 for the movie



Check out the trailer for Jason X

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