Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category

Mar

posted by admin | March 19, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, Comedy

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Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

“I pity da fool who don’t eat my breakfast cereal!

What is arguably one of the funniest movies of the 1980’s, Paul Reubens creates the mythical character of Pee-wee Herman. Pee Wee, who is apparently perpetually 10 years old and extremely unemployed, spends most of his time rigging contraptions to make his breakfast and finding time to creepily obsess over his gangster style bling-bling bike.

On a routine visit to the local magic shop to “stock up supplies” his bike is stolen through 9 layers of locked chains sending Pee-wee into a super-sized nervous breakdown. Pee wee assumes it’s his arch nemesis Francis another unemployed man-child played convincingly played by Mark Holton. Pee-wee attacks Francis in his over-sized bathtub pool ala mobster style interrogation but gets no result so instead he seeks the cosmic wisdom of giant facial moled astrologist. She tells him his bike is in the basement of the Alamo, So Pee-wee sets off on his big adventure across the country to find his beloved leg-powered machine. He encounters a wide variety of weird characters from a ghost truck driver , a waitress with a manly sounding French accent, a motorcycle gang, a escaped convict, and other assortment of people you’d run into at a late night Denny’s. Eventually ending up in the capitol of weirdos, Hollywood California where he leads a chase across the backlots of Warner Brothers. Will Pee-wee get his bike back? Will his girlfriend Dot get to finally go on an actual date with him? Will we ever find out when the 100 uses for corn are?

A hilarious movie for the whole family and a generational film everyone should see. Also be sure track down his old tv show “Pee Wee’s Playhouse.” for even more laughs.

“Can you say Adobe?” “aaahhhddddoooohhhhbbeeee”

Keep an eye out for…

– Pillow tag cutting fugitives on the run
– American Idol training for hobo’s
– Dinosaurs with built-in stadium seating
– Platform shoe table top dancing
– Large Marge eye bulging
– Oversized bathtubs for a creepy man-child
– Enough bicycle riding to make Lee Armstrong jealous
– Parachute safe convertibles

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Pee-wee’s Big Adventure

Mar

posted by admin | March 16, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult films, Cult movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Bubba Ho-Tep

Bubba Ho-tep

“That’s either Elvis or a werewolf.

Ho-Tep-1. Relative or descendent of the 17 Egyptian dynasties, 3100-1550 B.C. 2. Family surname of Egyptian Pharaoh (king).

Bubba-1. Male from the southern U.S. 2. Good Ole Boy
3.Cracker, Red Neck, Trailer Park Resident.

Slap the two together like peanut butter and bananas you’ve got yourself a fine b-movie sandwich called Bubba Ho-Tep. Bruce Campbell stars as the king of rock n’ roll who secretly now resides in a creepy retirement facility (the waiting room for God.) and no Elvis has not left this building..in fact he’s pretty much stuck in bed talking to himself and complaining about a growth on his pecker that may or may not be cancer.

Elvis had decided to trade places with an Elvis impersonator a few years back. You’d think that if you were Elvis and wanted to blend with the crowd you trade with a middle aged over-weight league bowler from Biloxi. Good hip movement is critical in a successful bowling technique after all.

His performance days are put to an end though when he breaks his hip during a local impersonation show (there goes the bowling league) and is sent to spend his remaining days at a anti-luxury retirement center in the Texas backwoods. He soon discovers that residents are dying off faster than usual and with the help of his friend John F. Kennedy, a aging black man who thinks he’s the former president, they begin to unravel the mystery. Turns out it’s an ancient mummy who has taken up residence at the home for it’s all you can eat buffet of death and is sucking residence souls through any available orifice (yeah you get the picture). He’s also a very snappy dresser in his mummy cowboy boats and hat and is generally ticked off at being dead.

Elvis and JFK do battle against this ancient pharoah with the help of their walker and motorized wheel chair while they attempt to defend the home’s residents against the onslaught of the mummy’s soul-food diet.This is a great little horror/comedy that if anything will make you be even nicer to your kids so they don’t put you in a similar home when you’re old.

Keep an eye out for…

– BBQ/napalm trailer park accidents
– soul sucking redneck mummies in cowboy boots
– offensive Egyptian bathroom graffiti
– kleptomaniac Grandmas
– motorized wheel chair kung-fu
– Senior Walkers Texas Rangers
– flying Elvis

at no point did Elvis say “uh hey there uh pretty mummy”
rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Bubba Ho-Tep.

Mar

posted by admin | March 5, 2007 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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Blood Sisters

“shhhhh…did someone say there’s a sale on plaid!?

In the fine cinematic tradition of Hell High, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, Blood Sisters is another slasher wanna-be where the madness and mayhem all stem from an innocent kid going through traumatic events thereby making them psycho killers adults. All child actor stars should be watched carefully by law enforcement if this is the case. The movies start when a little girl calls a young boy a pervert because he doesn’t have a father. This doesn’t make any sense at all..wouldn’t that make him a bastard and not a pervert?

Apparently it traumatizes the boy much more than the fact then he’s the son of a prostitute who lives in a nearby brothel house. This small business startup apparently was overlooked by the neighborhood association. The Victorian house is filled with some weird ladies of the night dressed in strange westerns neo 18th century wardrobes just hanging around looking like they just took a dozen Benadryls.

Well business goes bad when one of the patrons and an employee of the month is killed via a double barrel shot gun. The brothel is shut down for good apparently not just for breaking some local noise ordinances. Eeesh did anybody notice before that there was a house of hookers in the neighborhood?

Flash forward 13 years and the co-eds of a local sorority are pledging their new members. Much like a PBS pledge drive it consists of weird rituals, white robes, and drinking goats blood. Their next secret initiation is spending the night in the legendary abandoned whorehouse which is also now supposedly haunted. Before their arrival some dorky frat guys who barely can muster enough intelligence to carry a box through a doorway set up pranks to scare the girls. Every stereotype of girl arrives there, nerdy girl, trashy girl, won’t stop talking girl, snobby girl, plus some other girls who apparently are so dispensable that there names aren’t even mentioned. I believe in the credits they’re referred to as big haired victims#1-4. Take count as they all kinda look alike in the set’s bad lighting.

Watch in horror as the girls try to escape to their van only to find that it won’t start (shocking!) and while complaining that it’s too cold to stay there decide to go back into the house where the murder still lumbers around. Apparently they’d rather be killed than a bit chilly. It’s a guessing game who the murderer is but if you pay only the slightest attention you’ll figure it out. This movie is lame and it’s only saving grace is the terrific commentary track by Joe Bob Briggs and for that it is well worth taking a look.

Keep an eye out for…
– jack-in-the-box scene of terror
– JCPenny manquin noosings
– flying scarfs
– shot-gun view-cam
– dangerous over-acting
– special f/x ghost hookers

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie (8.8 for the commentary track and interview)
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the quality acting in this pivotal scene from Blood Sisters

Feb

posted by admin | February 26, 2007 | 70's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Sci-Fi

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Flash Gordon

“sound the battle cry…Gooble-Gooble!


In the great tradition of Highlander and Waynes World, the movie Flash Gordon utilizes the 80’s classsic rock icons of queen for a memorable movie soundtrack. As for the rest of the movie’s quality well that’s a different story.

Flash Gordon, a quarterback from the New York Jets, is put in the unlikely situation of having to try to save the world from the evil clutches of an alien overlord name Ming. With only enough brain power to warm toast and a uncanny skill in bad one-liners, Flash goes to Ming’s home planet accidentally with the help of an equally dimwitted newsreporter. Also along for the trip is a scientist who happens to have a few screws loose. Their first meeting with Ming doesn’t go well since Flash calls him a “Psycho” right off the bat and then senselessly beats an innocent sensor droid (R2D2 your days are numbered.) Flash escapes his death sentence thanks to the help of the princess who wants to use Flash for some extra curricular activity of her own. She’s some sort of bored rich physcho/nympho who likes earthling football stars like a crazed Beverly Hills cheerleader.

Flash employees the help of some woodsmen led by Timothy “I was the worse James Bond ever” Dalton and some flying hawk-people who look more like turkey parade rejects to battle Ming and save his girlfriend from marrying him. Through all the battles and carnage and laser beams Flash never gets hit and his hair always stays perfect. Maybe that was his superpower “amazo hair of fortitude.” I’d tell you how it ends but I’m sure you can figure out that Flash saves the day and rides off into the sunset on his jet ski to the rocking tunes of Queen on his radio. Lots of shiny bad costumes, lots of horrible dialog but a heck of a lot of fun. I say check it out. Watch movies online


Keep an eye out for…

– midget alien cleaned funeral parlors. They leave the fresh scent of pine
– psychedelic space warps
– a killer game of bonk the gopher except in this one the gopher wins and you die
– the only super hero with his own self-promotional t-shirt
– jet ski recreational space vehicles (whether on a lake or in space they’re still annoying)
– overdressed mardi-gras parade rejects
– Robinhood and his merry men of thieves
– impronto football scrimmages in space
– inneffective mind control devices that can be overcome with thoughts of Beatles songs

Lesson I learned from this movie. don’t stick your arm in an old tree stump.

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Flash Gordon.

Feb

posted by admin | February 19, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, Comedy

Comments Off on The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

“Am I getting too thin? I’ve still gone a bone to pick with you
!”

This great homage to old 50’s sci-fi b-movies is very funny and has some of the greatest one-liners ever heard on black and white film. If you enjoy Mystery Science Theater you’ll love this film.

After a meteor shower occurs which consists of a whole 2 meteors fizzling to the earth, a scientist and his wife hope to use the meteor’s ore to advanced science in the field of “science.” That is until a couple of dim witted aliens land from the planet Marva in their poorly constructed alien rocket. They also want the comet’s ore to refuel their ship so they have to disguise themselves as ordinary humans and master the art of door opening and stair climbing. To make things even more complicated is a mad scientist who also wants the ore to revive a sketeleton in a well light cave so he can rule the world through cheesy voice overs and mind control. Oh and don’t forget Animilia who consists of mutliple woodland creatures that the mad scientist brings with him as his dinner date. Hilarious and witty. Check it out.

Beware of…

– skeleton rock climbing
– the breath-taking stair climbing sequence
– atmosphereum
– midget forrest rangers
– alien dancing
– dinner etiquette
– caulk guns alien technology
– mutant pets

“We take our horrible mutilations seriously around here!”

rated 8.8 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe9Fs10IIk0]

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