Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category


posted by admin | January 23, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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Hell High

“he-he…he-he….I like pie

Bad things happen when you let creepy little girls go out and play in swamp duck blinds. Parental supervision in this movie is at all a time low when a young Brooke Storm accidentally impales some horny motorbike cross-swamping enthusiasts onto a strategically placed rusty gate. Duck blinds only lead to death and mayhem…remember that folks. Flash forward 18 years only because the movies tells us to and Brooke is now a stereotypical unbalanced high-school biology teacher. She’s having trouble dealing with a student named Dickens and his small brain-dead following of Queenie and Smiler. Apparently in the 80’s not a lot of thought was given to intimidating gang nicknames.

Jon-Jon an ex-football star played by Christopher “I can’t act” Cousins is the newest and least despicable character of this gang. That’s not saying a lot as all the characters are pretty low on the morality ladder. This rough gang of 4 decide to rebel against high school by doing things like tossing school report papers into the air, sitting in the bleachers complaining, being peeping toms, and tearing up the football field with their giant boat of an Oldsmobile. Man, if this was modern day high-school they would have been beaten, stuffed in a locker, and forced to ride the little bus to school.

These losers decides to play a prank on Brooke’s house by splattering it with mud and swamp slime further causing her to have some sort of Vietnam flashback. So Brook ends up going postal and goes on a murderous revenge spree on the gang. There’s a pencil to the head, rock to the face, knife to the throat, ouch! Who will survive? I don’t care.

Am I scared of duck blinds now? Yes I am.

Joe Bob Briggs has a great commentary track on this one. Watch the movie first then listen to the Joe Bob commentary track turned on. It’s hilarious.


Keep an eye out for.

– Slime-o-rama
– abandoned duck blinds used as kids playhouses
– lazy man football touchdowns
– peculiar placement of rusty gates in open fields
– body doubles
– the deadliest weapons of all– rocks, pencils, and swamp mud.

by the way is that a swamp or is it a field? you decide.

rated 7.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at

Check out a TV promotion of Hell High


posted by admin | January 8, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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” Don’t turn around honey. I don’t want you to see me in the morning without my makeup.”

What happens when you combine Platoon, Evil Dead, and the Greatest American Hero? You get a movie called “House.” No it’s not the story of a sarcastic limping doctor addicted to pain killers or how a group of contractor fix up an old Boston home. It’s the original comedy/horror hybrid by which countless others…well just a really bad sequel would follow.


William Katt now apparently rendered powerless of his TV super hero powers as the Greatest American hero plays Roger Cobb, a reclusive recently divorced horror writer. His son went missing years ago at his aunt’s giant creepy house and he hasn’t been able to write a good book since. His Aunt hangs herself in the very same house, so It only makes logical sense that he would want to stay there and write his next novel with all those heart warming memories. Roger starts seeing and hearing weird things around the house…things like floating garden tools, voices, and the supernatural appearance of Norm from the TV show cheers. He’s actually the neighbor but it took me by surprise, I wanted to someone to yell “Norm!” everytime I saw him. The house apparently attracts 80’s TV show actors like mosquitoes to campers. Roger soon learns that his son is trapped by the ghosts somewhere deep in the home and prepares to begins battle with a series of gruesome ghouls bent on his demise. His neighbor “Norm!” suspecting that Roger is one car short of a chase scene decides to check up on him. Roger incorrectly informs him that he has trapped a “Raccoon” in his closet and needs his help to get rid of it. The racoon turns out to be a vicious demon hellspawn instead though I’d have a tough time distinguishing the difference. Roger makes some goofy decisions in trying to get his son back safely. I think there wasn’t enough brain cells for his prozac to be effective that week. It all leads up to a battle with an old army buddy who is now much uglier and much deader. This horror movie is obviously intentionally funny and is downright creepy when it needs to be. Check it out.


Keep an eye out for.

-Roger’s scary v-neck 80’s sweaters

-Giant demon ex-wife creature with anger management issues

-Demon fishing without a license

-Bull from Night Court as an 7 ft tall un-stealthy Vietnam solider

-Garden tool kung-fu

-Backyard demon planting

-Medicine cabinet cross dimensional portals (hey can’t you buy those at Home Depot?)

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at

House Movie Trailer


posted by admin | January 1, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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“I’m bringing sexy back. Yeah”

Welcome to a new year and nothing says 2007 better than slimey little parasitic aliens. This little gruesome film comes to us from the demented mind of James Gunn who directed the most excellent Dawn of Dead remake (Yes I know zombies can’t run.) This cocktail of gore is one part “The Blob“, 2 parts “Night of the Creeps“, and another part an ipecac. The small town of Wheesley is visited by a meteor falling to the woods. When can a meteor just fall and not bring evil parasites?!…why can’t it just bring a refreshing scent of pine like a giant air freshener. But no, this one like all the others before it has to carry a parasitic alien bent of world conquest. And with every meteor you have your local redneck “Grant” played by Michael Rooker. Grant of course has to go check out the meteor and poke it with a stick. The parasite takes over Grant and starts mutating him into a cow slaughtering dog eating tentacle growing squid-man. Turns out Grant has a plan to take over the planet by “spreading his seed” and impregnating an old girlfriend with these creepy slithering slugs (hence the title) who zombify the local town folks by entering through their mouths and taking over the brain. Who would have thought the best defense against aliens is to cover your mouth…save your life and stop halitosis. The zombie residents then attach themselves to the big squid creature to make an even bigger squid creature to absorb all life on the planet. It’s like some sort of twisted Republican party without the corporate sponsors.

Things to watch for.

  • Giant blimp barn girl who enjoys walks in the woods, hanging out at bars, and eating cute woodland creatures
  • A mayor with tourettes syndrome who screams like a little girl
  • Gratuitous use of haircare products as weapons
  • Attacking deer kung-fu
  • Frightening scenes of line dancing

It’s hilarious and gruesome in equal doses and it’s a worthy entry into the b-movie hall of fame. Give it a try.
rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at

Watch the trailer for Slither


posted by admin | December 25, 2006 | B-movie Reviews

Comments Off on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Horray for Santa Claus

” Santa says pull my finger.”

Prepare yourself for a mind-numbing knock down brawl of a Christmas and all without the need of gin and egg nog. The leaders of Mars (Martians because they wear green paint on their face) are concerned that all the children on their planet are depressed and watching far too much Earth TV. Instead of the obvious Ritalin prescriptions, they consult a creepy wise man who lives in some nearby caves. The old guy who looks and sounds like a 80 year old Screech from Saved By the Bell tells them their planet is in need of the large bearded fat man who only works once a year known as Santa Claus. The Martians attempt to kidnap the jolly old elf who probably laughs more than any typical drunk santa at a roadhouse bar should. After a foiled attempt to blast Santa and his two innocent children bystanders into the cold confines of space, they decide to enslave him on Mars and create automated machines that turn out toys faster than a sweat shop in China. Will Santa escape? Will the children get their toys? Will the evil Martian’s plans be stopped? Did you even read the title of the movie?…
Look for the goofy Martian named Dropo whose brain power is barely enough to warm toast. Also look for a man dressed in a polar bear suit. You’ll swear you’re hallucinating. Just try to get the jolly song of “Hooray for Santa Claus” out of your head. This little jewel can be crowned the worse Christmas movie ever. It is my gift you. Have yourself a very Swayze Christmas.
rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at

The righteous Reverend Chumley has posted this entire movie on his video podcast for you to watch at his fantastic free b-movie podcast called the Cult of UHF. Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians online for FREE.


posted by admin | December 18, 2006 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews

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Roadhouse review

” Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year or we’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!”

As far as b-movies go I would consider this the Godfather of all bad movies. It’s so pure in it’s awfulness that it’s truly a masterpiece. This is the legendary story of a bouncer named James Dalton played by Patrick Swayze who confronts his inner demons while defending a small bar outside Kansas City from the evil Ben Gazzara. Dalton cool demener hides a raging anger that I believe resulted from a post dramatic Dirty Dancing disorder. He deals with rage through spouting wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “it’s my way or the highway” and of course doing his Swayziest Tai-Chi. You know it’s going to be something special when a monster truck and plate glass windows are involved in a major plot point. Road House should be a standard by which all other bad movies should be judged. I consider it required viewing.

rated 9.9 out of 10 for the movie
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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>