Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category

Dec

posted by admin | December 18, 2006 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews

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Roadhouse review

” Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year or we’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!”

As far as b-movies go I would consider this the Godfather of all bad movies. It’s so pure in it’s awfulness that it’s truly a masterpiece. This is the legendary story of a bouncer named James Dalton played by Patrick Swayze who confronts his inner demons while defending a small bar outside Kansas City from the evil Ben Gazzara. Dalton cool demener hides a raging anger that I believe resulted from a post dramatic Dirty Dancing disorder. He deals with rage through spouting wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “it’s my way or the highway” and of course doing his Swayziest Tai-Chi. You know it’s going to be something special when a monster truck and plate glass windows are involved in a major plot point. Road House should be a standard by which all other bad movies should be judged. I consider it required viewing.

rated 9.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Dec

posted by admin | December 11, 2006 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews

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Hell

“Dukes of Hazzard changed my life! Boss Hog is an American hero.”

Wow! not surprisingly Oscars were not be handed out to any of the Hell’s Angels back in 1969 for their stunningly accurate portrayals of themselves in this cheesy biker movie. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of biker movies so this is my first toe in the water of slurred speeches, drunken brawls and endless footage of motorcycles cruises. The thin plot revolves around two badly dressed rich guys who decide to rob a casino just for “the kicks.” they plan to send the money back to the casino in the mail. Like somehow the casino will be “Oh that’s okay for stealing our cash…at least you returned it. do you need a hug?” The Hell’s Angels find out they’re being used and go after the two robbers in a un-thrilling bike race across the desert. I found it hard to figure out who to root for in this film as despicable characters are abound. However this movie’s saving grace is a great informative and hilarious commentary track from the b-movie guru Joe Bob Briggs and that helps makes the hurt go away.

rated 4.9 out of 10 for the movie…8.7 out of 10 with Job Bob Briggs commentary track turned on
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Dec

posted by admin | December 5, 2006 | B-movie Reviews

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The Bubble

“I’m the love doctor. Take two of me and call me in the morning.”

Now with more scrubbing cleansing power. The Bubble sounds like it would be the invasion of a giant household cleaner but that would be just be too obvious and probably more of a frightening story. This film made back in 1966 tells the tale of a couple (Michael and Deborah) and a not-so-great plane pilot (Tony) who make an emergency landing near a desolate town. The town’s inhabitants are a bit strange though even for midwesterners of the 1960’s. Everyone walks around like zombies repeating the same actions over and over. Ok maybe that’s not so strange. The visitors discover a giant blob-like creature at the center of town that the people are walking in and out of like it’s a Walmart supercenter after Thanksgiving. This is freaky enough that Mike, Deborah, and Tony finally decide to leave town. Unfortunately they find out the hard way that the entire town is surrounded by some sort of glass dome hence the name “bubble.” When faced with a giant wall the only logical solution is to drive your truck through it. Oh I forgot to mention this movie is in sickness inducing 3D so you get the gratitous “LOOK AT THIS RAKE!!! ohhhh….ahhhh!!” where objects are thrusted towards the audiences to apparently induce a fears of inanimate objects or yard work. There’s a few genuinely creepy scenes and the storyline is actually quite interesting like an extended old Twilight Zone episode. I saw this when I was a kid and it gave me nightmares so I finally tracked down a DVD copy. Now that I’m an adult it’s lost it’s shock value but is still an enjoyable sci-fi flick. And yes, the 3D glasses are included. I say check it out.

rated 7.9 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Nov

posted by admin | November 29, 2006 | B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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The Deadly Spawn

“attack of the sausages”

Ah yes back to the basics of horror film making. You know that if an opening scene starts out with a tent and a campfire in the woods that by the end of the scene you’ll end up with some dead campers. Deadly Spawn adheres to these type of basic principle of horror film writing. The harbinger of bad news in this film comes in the form of meteor crashing to earth with a hungry alien inside it. After a lite brunch of campers the alien hides out in a family’s basement much like a 20 year old who hasn’t left home yet. The alien who resembles a burrito with a thousand teeth continues to chomp through victims that stubornly keep trying to check out the basement. Hilarious as the hapless victims notice all the blood on the walls and still continue looking. People this dumb need to be eaten by a giant sausage. There’s the stereotypical young boy obsessed with horror movies who lives upstairs (and no I didn’t live upstairs when I was young). The science fanboy brother and his girlfriend. There’s the dumb jock guy who is more concerned about failing his upcoming pop quiz than the threat of being eaten alive. It’s an all you can eat buffet of stupidity. Watch for the big showdown between geek horror boy and alien burrito. Marvel at his inginuity, scream at the sight of the alien, laugh at the dialog. If you enjoyed Evil Dead, you’ll like this movie.

rated 7.6 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

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Oct

posted by admin | October 11, 2006 | Action, B-movie Reviews

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Starship Troopers

“Ain’t nobody gonna take my last hot pocket…when you want a big meal without a big deal, whatya gonna fix sir?!”

Was this movie intending to be this insanely funny? Playing out something like a comic book with a satirical jab at our current government policies. The story takes place in the future where the military rules our world as a single fascist world government. Highschool kids are encourage to become “citizens” by joining the military and to fight the ever present war against a far off planet of insects. Johnny Rico our main dumb headed hero is played by Casper Van Dien. What mother names their son Casper? Does he have the ability to move through walls? Is he extremely pale? Anyways Rico is in love with Carmen (Dennis Richards) who has joined the military to become a fighter pilot and to apparently get away from Charlie Sheen. So what does a smart high school student like Rico decide? Well of course he decides not to go to college and insteads join the infantry to fight giant blood thirty insects. This is mainly done to impress Carmen. By the way these insects did’t actually invade earth, they are just chillin’ on another planet minding their own business when we come bustin’ in shooting up the place with our machine guns and mini nuke bombs. Our reason for doing the big Orkin job was apparently an asteroid hit earth and we blame it on the bugs who just happen to live a million miles away. I have no idea what this parallels in todays news. hmmmmm….. Apparently in the future we still haven’t developed phaser guns though unfortunately. Definitely a great action movie and some hilarious dialog and would fall into my top 5’s of movies for guys who like movies.

rated 7.6 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imdb.com

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